[phillysteakandcheese]

This exchange reminds me of how men are often told to have "open and honest communication", but then when a guy says what he really and honestly thinks, it gets turned around as being "cold and harsh".

Pete commented on a hypothetical situation, and he stated his point of view. Not to be mean, or hurtful, or disrepsectful. At worst, it could be considered insensitive, but you invited him to share his opinion by opening the question.

He shouldn't have to feel guilty for that.

You can talk to him about how this topic hurts you because of the feelings it stirs up, but I think in no way should you make him feel guilty for expressing his thoughts in a hypothetical situation.

[s_cianci]

Evidently you and Pete have different feelings when it comes to children. It's kind of surprising that you didn't find this out before now. Ask yourself exactly why you were so bothered by Pete's revealing comment. Do you want children someday? If so, that could be a real problem considering that fact that Pete apparently doesn't. I'd sit down with him and have an honest, heart-to-heart chat. Tell him you were upset and why. It sounds like you and he have some hidden, unspoken expectations that need to be flushed out if you are going to progress any further in your relationship with him or decide that the two of you are not right for each other and move on. Incidentally, Pete must come to the realization that it's not his place to speak for his mate regarding what his mate likes or doesn't like in a woman.

[kp2171]

the comment about not including the woman with a child... lets just give him the benefit and call it a dumb assumption. By no goer did he mean she wouldn't likely show because of the obligation to the child and all the craziness that it can do to ones personal life (and my, it can be crazy) or does that mean she's not welcome because she is the mother of a child?

first option is a quick assumption, 2nd option is a bit mean spirited.

as for whether hed have dated you if you had a child. I don't know. It could very well be a truthful statement for that time in his life.

I actually started to date, and then backed down from dating, a girl whod had a child quite young. I liked her fine but within a few dates it got just too consuming. The daughter (5) started getting attached and I just wasn't ready for that. I felt badly that that was the main reason I backed off... but I don't regret it.

of course when I later started dating the woman who is now my wife, she also had a child when she was just in college, but the situation was a bit different. I was a little more prepared to deal with the situation and there was a lot less pressure.

well... until we got serious. The girl (13 at the time) HATED ME with all of the passion that a hormone raging teen has... used to leave magnetic hate poetry on the fridge for me "not my dad must die"... and would strategically place magnets over my face on all fridge pic. =) but now, the girl loves me to death for putting up with her crap. We're more like brother and sister than father/daughter.

uh.. I had a point... I guess it was that the issue is sensitive for some good reasons. The only reason id be "concerned" if anything is if you see this relationship being a long term thing... maybe a life thing.. then you both need to be on the same page concerning kids.

otherwise id just chalk most of what he said up to the dumb Y chromosome we men have.

[JoeCanada76]

Hello Holly,

This is where trouble can happen, I do it in some ways as well. Let me explain. The could haves or should haves or the might haves or what ifs. One thing you need to remember is that you do NOT have a baby. Pete is with you right now. That is all that matters. Going back and hashing things out and trying to get a sense of how a person would have acted, does not matter because none of it happened that way. Do you know what I mean about that? I have a tendency to over react about some things because I go through my mind all the different scenarios and some of them I do not agree with and that bothers me but I need to remember and you need to remember that there is no need to get upset or mad or worried about things that never happened. It is only a lonely road and a very hurtful road if you think that way. I do understand that you may feel hurt by his response. I have to say for some man would prefer to be with a women that does not have any children because he would prefer to have his own children. There is always lots of heartache and lot more stress with step parent or parents and children. I know from experience being raised by a step dad. Anyway, Hope you read this.

Joe

[DJ 'H']

I totally agree with all of you. It just opened an AOL can of wounds and made me think what life would be like without Pete - I know he did not want to hurt me and I know it was not directed at me. It was just something I had to get off my chest. I have not said a word to Pete because he did not do anythingwrong and we had a lovely weekend together. We love each other very much and I am not going to spoil it because of my past. It's something I have to deal with and with your help I have. So thank you to everyone for your support xx

[blueiman]

Pete sounds inmature to me. Kids are great. We where all kids once and anyone who would not want kids is not ready to have them. Pete does not want kids. Has nothing to do with you. It's the kids he is not ready for. Maybe he will be later on. Enjoy what you have now, nothing lasts forever.

[Wildcat21]

Ah Blue - re-read the post. He doesn't want someone else's kids. It can be a deal breaker for anyone - especially soemone young.

[maria26]

I don't believe pete meant any harm by his remark... his young and wants to make sure that nothing will deprive him of his youth. He sounds like a great guy who just said the wrong thing.. just didn't think.