[yoda]

Hi... I really need some perspective on this:

Myself... AND US...

My Question: I am going to illustrate my dillemna by using a very small thing...

So that it is easier to relate to.

So, for a real concrete example:

When dealing with a person ( male ) that for example:
Is willing to rent a movie the wife likes.. but doen't like it himself.. and then
Says " I will rent the movie I like and watch it after this movie " ( thereby
Taking time from the relationship) because he is not willing to give up what he
Desires... to have, in lieu of looking for something in another venue... that both
Could enjoy) and this repeats continuously... over years...
This example, could be expanded to everything. If the husband defines this
Responding behaviour to many things: as " I like chocolate..and you like
vanilla ....does this mean that I can't have chocolate ?"..

What would be your viewpoint? I am very interested in hearing your processing
Of this... because I myself... have to process it...
And find it difficult.

For example: " how does it feel to you ? "... emotionally... if someone handles situations like this? Does it feel dismissing? Or does it feel manipulative?
What is the behaviour?

It seems to me to be a " I want to be an independent person " and be married
Too. I don't want to grow.. and develop new commonalities... I want to hold onto
My already defined interests... and continue to get them, and will take time from
The relationship to get them, if necessary. It seems to be a " I want what I want "... and will do something " for you ...." but... in the end... I will get what I want also.

Does this fall into the old " you do your thing, and I do mine..and if we meet somewhere, then it was meant to be " sort of thing... or what philosophy is it? Or is it one? What is it?

It is my perception... as a second wife... that somehow... this is being treated
Like a second wife. " myself "... and "us "...
But no " new " developing an " us ". Its an either / or thing...
Either you engage in what I like... or I can do it later..
And take time from us.

I also do see, that one should be able to have ones stamp collecting hobby..
And not have to give it up... and that a spouse... can also have her own hobbies.

But, what I am trying to illustrate is... that this responsive behaviour that I
See..
Is everywhere.. from going out to eat... to just about anything. If it is a restaurant: He will go to Chinese... but go back, and
Get his Indian food.

His perspective is: why would anyone get married, if they are suppose to stop
What they like and want... to move into " lets try
Romanian..have you ever tried that? ....maybe we can find new common areas ".. because this means to him: " when do I get to have what I want, and desire, and do I get to do it ? " " why should you get to dominate ? "

When I am confronted with the behaviour... ( another example is: " I will drop you off now...and go get what I want..which is my Indian food ...and I will be back in a little while "..

Or " I went to your movie...with you "... but, I am going back in an hour.. to see the movie I want to see "..

I will watch this show with you on t.v.....to " please you "... but.. I am going now downstairs.. to watch the VCR tape I wanted to watch.. that you didn't want to watch... ( which was Shwartzenegger.. or some such violent thing... or Conan... or sometimes, a movie like Enemy of the State.. which I have seen over and over.. and I just didn't want to watch it again tonight.. etc..
Or 5th element.. which I have seen over and over, or some sexually expicit thing.. with a pole dancer woman.. or something.. )

What do you think?

Signed, Meg

[kp2171]

I'm a guy who has been happily married for 6 years next Friday. (and I think my wife is happily married too) =)

I guess I have no problem with some of what you said concerning his actions. My wife and I are individuals who do a lot of things together, but that does not mean anything we do separately is unhealthy or disrespectful to the marriage.

my wife doesn't like some sports. I watch some sports that she doesn't care to watch. I see a lot less now, out of respect for the marriage and the commitment to spending time together, but she knows Monday nights during football season I like to see the game if it works out. Sometimes it does, sometimes not. Not a big deal on either side.

she likes to go to yoga. I don't. Shell spend a good part of a weekend reading while I'm doing work on the house or outside. There needs to be a balance, of course... but seeing your partner do something that is selfish is NOT necessarily a bad thing. Its good to be a little selfish in my opinion.

a marriage isn't meant to be this all encompassing thing that completely swallows up the individuals, and leaves you with two identical persons with the same likes and dislikes.

so I guess the issue is why are you feeling threatened or unfulfilled when your guy isn't spending every moment focused on the relationship.

now if he is always overreacting and not willing at all to compromise, well then that's another thing. If every time you want something different and he decides he still needs to get his way, then he's being also closed minded in the other direction.

the important thing is for the couple to be comfortable with their level of involvement. Some do everything together. Some do a few things together. A happy marriage is defined by what? What things make you happy? What things makes him happy?

there should be enough comfortable overlap to offset those areas that do not.

[mrs.pennell]

It would seem that he does your thing to make you happy but then wants to enjoy something he likes. So my question is, do you ever do the things he wants to do? Like will you get indian instead of chinese sometimes? Or let him choose the movie sometimes? A relationship should be give and take from both parties. Sometimes you do the things you love, sometimes you do the things he loves (even if you don't enjoy them). And sometimes you try something different... like romanian!

[yoda]

Well... in answer: I really can't stand blood and guts...

And rape scenes, and pole dancers at strip clubs.. put into the movies..


And many of the movies he rents.. have these scenes in them...

So... I get up... and walk away... because I am so sensitive.. ;.

Sometimes... from the past... those rape scenes that I did witness on film...

Still bother me... years later.

So, I kind of try to protect myself from them...

Is there another way??

I am not sure... how one could respond to be a better " giver "..

In this situation...

Meg

[yoda]

MORE INFO;... to clarify:


To answer the nice man that responded...

Well... its not that I feel threatened... I am just confused..

And I have a lot of examples...

That I don't want to link together.. and come out with conclusions with..

If they are not related...

I don't know if they are related... here are several more...

Should these examples be linked together.. or are they separate?

For a Movie:

Somehow... it seems, that we could both... choose a " third "...

Kind of movie... that both of us... can enjoy...

Together... rather than this " I please you "... " now you please me "..

Sort of thing. And I do think it is fine.. to watch a movie one likes..
That the other doesn't like... and vice versa...

I think it is how he uses it... " well, I;ll tell ya what..you rent that one..and I will get my own "... and he says it because I didn't want to say yes..
To blood and guts... or pole dancers... which are probably in the movie..

Its not that he purposely knows that there are pole dancers, or blood and guts.. but he presumes.. there will be... and he says " I like action...I like the sexual orientation "..

I don't mean that a person can't spend some time doing something they want.. and like... while the other spends time doing something he or she likes.

But somehow... if my husband says he will sit and watch movie A...

But... is going to rent the movie he wanted to see...

Also.. and watch it by himself...

It just seems... that " we " could look for a different kind of movie...

I don't know... a musical... ( I don't like those much either ).. or a documentary..

Or a something... that is in the exploration area...

So that the together time... is two of us...

Instead of one here... and one by himself.

I don't do that... say to him: well, I'll tell you what... you rent that one.. and I will rent mine "..

that really what is happening..is that two movies are taking place..

so...3 hours...

not just 1 1/2 hours...

of a time block.

Thats one thing.

So later...now there can't be a walk....because he is watching the movie he rented.

So...I have to go find something to do....( which I can do )

But then....if I want some chinese food....and that takes 1 hour...

now....he will drive to the restaurant...he wanted...and sit for another hour.

or he will bring it home....and eat with his movie...that he still has..or some other movie...that he wants to watch...

So now....there I am again....by myself....having to find something else to do...

read a book, etc..

Which I can do..

This simple scenario translates to many other situations...

you can use your imaginations...Here is another example...something similar..

If I have bought some ice cream...for example....

and I put a piint into the freezer...and say " this is my ice cream "...

and he ( at the store ) buys the kind he wants...and he puts his into the freezer..

he will eat all of his...and then eat mine....the next day...so that when I go to get some of mine...there is one teaspoon in the bottom...( he makes sure, he leaves me " some "..and does not eat it all ) And I do not joke...about the 1 teaspoon.

And if I say something...he will get angry...saying it is " our ice cream "....and " we can " buy some more.
...and " why am I getting on him? "...

When we were first married...and for example:. went shopping for a VCR....and I wanted the two feature one...

he would say of course..that the 4 feature one...allowed more features..

A. pause in motion features, B..something else.

I said " you never pause in motion " while we are watching..and the 4 feature..costs more..and we are on a budget ...

He said " well... because I have greater needs... I am the one.. then that
Should be allowed to have the greater features... you have less needs..
So, you should aquiese... to mine "...

Another example: we would go to bed...it was 11 o clock at night..and he would be just about asleep...

and he would suddenly say" I am desiring a Coke "....

and he would get up..and put his pants on....and get the keys..

and I would say " why are going now... can't you wait ? "..

He would say ".. no... why should I... I feel like one "..

Another example: I would be almost asleep...and he would say...and he was just snoring himself...but he sort of woke up...he would say " I feel desirous "..

and he would get up now...and go to " take care of things "...

I would say " you were almost a sleep... why are you getting up?. to do this..

He would say " because I am desirous "... and now I can't go to sleep...

I am sorry... I am probably adding more confusion...

But does this help??

This is all hard to understand...

[s_cianci]

Obviously any successful marriage is going to require some degree of compromise and your husband seems to be a master of the art. I guess the real question is do the two of you ever enjoy anything together and if not, why not? Maybe you like Chinese food and he likes Indian food, but is there something that the both of you like and can enjoy together? Same goes for preference in movies, etc. It seems like he compromises for your sake then demands equal time. That may be all right in some cases but I don't necessarily think it's healthy all the time. How about each of you bending for the other occasionally? Could you manage to stomach a meal of Indian food once in a while? Could he manage to stomach a meal of Chinese food once in a while? Are you willing to watch a "guy flick" once in a while? Is he willing to watch a "chick flick" once in a while? That's what marriage truly is all about ; not just compromising all the time in such a way that everybody gets what they want even at the expense of togetherness. Part of loving someone is being able to make sacrifices for them. Very rarely is a marriage always perfectly balanced 50-50 ; usually one is making accommodations for the other. Obviously this should be balanced in that each accommodates the other on a roughly equal basis ; it shouldn't be one always accommodating the other. It sounds like your husband is pursuing some fantastic extreme where everybody is completely satisfied 100% of the time and that's not realistic.

[JoeCanada76]

I know this may not sound right. Your posts Meg made me dizzy and very confused. I think you over analyze everything. Marriage is about compromise, it sounds like he does everything for you and then his own stuff on is own. Like somebody else said why do you not do some things he likes as well. Even if it is different or something your not crazy on. If it bothers you so much, then have some alone time for yourself. I do not know what else to say, but your making my head spin, How does your husband feel? Do you two communicate?

Joe

[yoda]

To S-cianci:

THANK YOU... yes... this is what it seems... an extreme... so that he is completely satisfied.. 100 percent of the time... yes.. yes...

When he was younger.. he used to say... that he thought that " hedonism " was the highest form of life...

Of course.. I didn't really know that meant...

Now... he does accommodate... he does lots of nice things..

And I also do lots of nice things...

And I accommodate also...

He does lots of things.. to try to please me... and I do also...

For example... where to go on a Sunday Drive..

Or, I make some food dishes.. I know he really likes...

I decorate the house... and ask what he thinks.. what colors.. etc.. does he like what I did?. etc..

And he asks me... for my opinion.. like if he is remodeling the side yard...

But... there are these other things that I have mentioned.. already...

He would say at night for example.. if we did talk...

And it was time for bed. " well, I need to watch a little tv. before I go to
bed "..

At first.. I didn't see some things... that I do now.

I began to see... that he seemed to have these routines...

And yes... it is like an " equal time " thing...

I think. After work... he would come home... and of course... eat..

And maybe talk to me.. while eating...

Then the t.v. would go on... until bedtime...

Then... it was sleeptime... and he would conk out.. no talking almost at all.

But he would pat the couch... and say " come sit with me..watch with me "..

But very little interacting.

So, after a while... weeks,. I began to complain.. and say that it was important to me.. to be able to interact with him... I hadn't seen him all day.. and that I cared for him.. and wanted his company.

So... he would say " what do you want to talk about "... and I would say... of course.. " I don't know..and just start talking "...

I sensed that he really wanted to watch t.v... and that he was accommodating me...

And then... maybe... lets say... it had become late.. almost bedtime..

He would say " I ll be there in a while..I am going to watch t.v. "

So I would go to bed alone. And wait.. mainly because it seemed disruptive.

I couldn't sleep... because I guess because it felt like I was experiencing a penalty. Was I ?

After weeks.. of witnessing this.. I asked. He said " I need some personal time..
so, if it is at bedtime...then, I guess...thats when "...

I just didn't understand. So, of course, at some time later.. the next day.. or whatever... being the nice non directive wife that I am... I said " can you explain this to me...do you feel that you have to stay up..even tho you are tired...in order to watch t.v...because you talked to me instead ? "...

He said " well, yes...I want a little t.v...after I come home..and before I go to sleep "..

Then when he did come to bed... he would roll over.. and say " honey...."..

Because you know... ( LOL ) I would say.. " you know, its really late.and I am tired..." and he would say " well, I have needs..and you could just lay there ..you don't have to do anything "..

Okay.. well, this stuff.. really bothered me...

You can imagine... after a while... I began to ask...

Some questions..

I noticed... that he wanted to get a calender... and write down.. on the calender... when sex would occur. Because he would say " I have needs "..
And I need some predictability "..

Of course..I just really hit the ceiling then..and said " what!? "..you want to what ???? !!! " You can't schedule this sort of thing ! "

He said " why not... you can get what you want.. and I can get what I want "

Okay...so if you put all that I have written together...

he is like this..with food...( " oh you are making dinner... well, I just want a hamburger.. I will go get it.. and be able to eat what you make too " )

The way he wants to experience sexuality...he stages...beforehand..

and tells me...so that it can be acted out...

and if it isn't..he is frustrated...

that I won't go along. He says it is role playing...

and I said " what?! "..

Sexuality is supposed to be interactive...and emotionally alive ...

and he said " well, it is... you and I are interacting... in a stimulating way "..

It is all confusing.. thats all...

And if he doesn't happen to get sexuality... he takes care of it himself...

Done... is this helpful?

[kp2171]

as the father of a wild 2 year old child, and in a relationship where our schedules are almost complete opposites, I can tell you scheduling sex when it can happen is a whole lot better than none at all. Its not optimal. Its not even sexy necessarily. But its still better than nothing.

sounds like he's not satisfied sexually. You cannot say you're upset that he shows an interest in finding some compromise, albeit perhaps distasteful by some perspectives, and then you're also upset when he takes care of those urges himself.

I remember once when my wife and I couldn't ever quite seem to find the time I went downstairs in a frenzy one night and accidentally broke the sink. I didn't mean to... I was just so wound up and opps... you lift hard enough on something when you're wired and it sometimes breaks. =P so there's a positive spin. At least he's not making you buy a new sink. =)

now if he shows no interest in your needs sexually that's another matter. If he's not meeting your needs, that's different. Are you telling him what your needs are sexually, if that's the case?

as for TV before sleeping, without you. All I can say is people have their own rhythms. My wife needs to read for 30 min before she sleeps most nights. There were times early on when I was frustrated cause that could be time we could talk (well, OK, sex)... but now I know its just her way of winding down.

I am commonly up an hour or more at night after she's in bed. She calls it my "cave time". I just function better after I've had some mindless time, by myself, on my own. If I cannot do this, its OK. But its good for me to have some peace to myself at night. And I have a great marriage. Not trying to escape anything.

likewise my wife is just like her father. They absolutely love time in the morning to themselves.

I don't mean to sound like I'm against you... I just don't have issues with much of what you're saying.

and I also agree with joe.
too...

many...

periods...

long...

posts...

hard...

to...

read...

just seems like you're not happy and you're looking for issues. Its OK if you're not happy. But is it really that he watches TV by himself for a time? That hed like more sex, even if that means some structure?

are you not comfortable being selfish and getting what you want? Are you angry because its easy for him?

[fredg]

Hi, Yoda,
I agree with your posts being much, much too long, and much too involved.
I have been married 29 yrs, to a wonderful woman. Know what makes marriage last and make it wonderful?
Compromise.
If two people, whether married or not, in a relationship, cannot compromise, then they have issues with each other. These issues, eventually, have to be worked out, or the relationship could be in trouble.
Any issue has a solution; it just depends on the two people involved.
Would you like to post just ONE issue? You can then get some answers as to how others handled it.