[liz28]

Cantbreathe,

My motto on life is "what dont kill me makes me stronger", especially when I survive after giving child birth because I think it's the worst pain in the world over heartache.

[igman]

Cantbreathe ,you are already showing tremendous resolve and resiliency... I commend you. I bet that as you are able to get a handle on your pain and emotions, your brain will catch up and you will be fine.

[cant breathe]

Thank you for your kind words :) I just wish I was as confident as you are that I will be OK

[talaniman]

My sole focus just now is caring and loving my daughters and trying to pick up the pieces of the mess I have made, getting through every day is a struggle just now

Let them be your life, as your choices in men is very shaky. Learn to forgive yourself, and love yourself so you can be an excellent mom.

[cant breathe]

Any advice as to how I handle work? I have read on here about NO CONTACT being the best way but in my situation that is impossible. Since going back to work last week I have completely ignored him and I have had no contact with him outside work since we split 5 weeks ago but as I work in a very small office ignoring him is causing an atmosphere for fellow workers and I suppose its making me look childish and unprofessional but I'm not strong enough just now to be able to act NORMAL

[liz28]

Being that you work in a small office and going run into each other you might have to how limited work talk and once you leave the job it no nc. I think in a strange way it will help with your healing. You don't have to engage in converstion with him but just hi and anthing work related. When your at work go there with your head high and smile on your face don't let anyone know and see your pain because this is not good for work and if its impossible maybe its time for a new job, but then you will be givint him the victory so don't let anyone run you out until your ready. It will be hard but your get over it and have all the glory. Show everyone that you're a strong women and nothing can't break you.

[cant breathe]

I can't be that strong woman, I would love to be but I can't. Got up today and felt the worst yet, it seems to get harder day by day as realisation is setting in on the impact this has had on my life. I'm trying so hard to go through the motions and keep things normal for the girls but I'm dying inside. I ask myself why I miss him and how I could possibly still want him I know it's ridiculous but he was a huge part of my life. I think this is too big for me and can't imagine ever getting over the hurt. The thoughts of him being with a man are driving me insane and as much as I try to process these thoughts in a rational manner... I can't. I feel sick that this was going on and I didn't see it. I feel so inadequate and weak

[talaniman]

Don't take this the wrong way, but getting off the pity pot will help a lot. Feeling sorry for yourself is no excuse for not having Good Orderly Direction and Positive Actions. Let the love of your daughters motivate you to do what you have to at work, Be professional, and efficient, and all about work, thats what you do!

[liz28]

Don't be down and yourself and think negative. Get the word "cant" out of your vocabulary and use "I can". You feel like can't but you can. It takes a lot to get up and go to work, knowing that he's there, but you get up and face it. That alone proves your stronger than you think. You can do anything and go through anything and survive. I know its hard and painful and you feel hopeless, but don't. People are rooting for you and you will get over this and months or a year from now your going reflect on this and not believe you was thinking like this. You can lean on people here for support because everyone wants good things and positive things so chase the doubt from your mind. I wish I knew you to give you a hug because you need it and I don't like negative words your using. Please think positive because your stronger then you giving yourself credit for.

[jjb4060]

Hi can't breathe... you say that your husband did not and is still not taking this well. And neither are your daughters. Did you ever stop and think that maybe it is because you were very loved by them all? Even your distant husband? Have you thought of how things might be different now with your husband seeing as how you have been apart for a while and have had time to think of what you would have done different with him if you were still together. I'm sure he has thought of that and I am sure that he misses having his family with him. And I'm sure your daughters miss living with their dad. The other guy is heartless for what he did to you. He led you on and told you he wanted to be with you and you did the unthinkable to be with him. Then he just up and left for his own selfish reasons and didn't even care that you had given up just about everything to be with him. He sounds very immature and selfish. I would turn my focus on my husband and kids and maybe try to get some marriage counseling, which is the route you should have taken before you left your husband. I'm sure he misses you and he loves you, especially since you have children. Call HIM and forget the man at work... if it's that hard at work, look for another good job in the meantime, and never ever let him think that you feel weak around him... you have to look strong in order to be respected, even when you're not strong. I wish you the best of luck and this is definitely the place to tal kabout things like this.

[cant breathe]

Hi JJB thanks for the support I can use it right now. To give you a bit of history I met my husband when we were both 15 which is very young and I think through the years we just grew apart. My youngest daughter was born 8 years ago and things were bad then and sadly didn't improve. We tried counselling both individually and as a couple but my husband was very reluctant to participate as he seen it as washing his dirty laundry in public so it never really helped and if anything made me realise that sadly I was not in love with that person anymore. He took the split very badly as he admitted he never had to do anything for himself before as I had always took care of the girls, finances house etc so he said it was a shock to have to stand on his own two feet. Yes I still love him and he still loves me but not in the way we should and certainly not in a way that would give the girls the emotional stability they deserve. My Husband now has a new partner and they seem to be doing OK, the girls seem to like her and that's the most important thing. We try very hard to support them by telling them that although we may no longer live together we will always be mum and dad and love them very much... sorry for this being so long but it just explains the position with my husband. As for the other person well I think I'm going to take some more time off to get me well again and maybe I will deal with it better when I'm a bit more stable and not so emotional. I know in a sense it could be seen as him winning but it seems like my only option just now cause NO ONE is worth me losing my sanity over

[jjb4060]

Good for you... I think what you need to do then is go out and blow off some steam!! Start dating, but only the ones you can bring home to your daughters!! And BTW I don't look at it as him winning I look at it as him losing out!! :)

[cant breathe]

Thanks jjb :) but dating... NEVER AGAIN I have only had two relationships in my life and I'm 42! And look how they both turned out :confused: so from now on my goal is being the best mum I can be to my girls because they are the most precious thing I have and their love is unconditional

[jjb4060]

You go mommy!! I love my kids too

[gg23]

Karma! '" quote my husband took it pretty bad and still is"... you left your marriage, probably a good man and good father. For what? So you can please your selfish ego. You fell in love with this new guy, but what about him? Was it love or just infatuation?. I know am being harsh, but I think that life is getting back at you for what you did to your little girls and their dad! You are reaping what you sowed. This is some sarah marshal thingy going on here. You thought the grass was greener on the other side... but guess what? Its' not... the viscous circle of life and now you have to deal with it. I really don't understand how you think that a guy who makes you leave your marriage, without concerning himself about your husband and your little girls would be a good one for you. That guy is selfish as he is OK with helping you destroy a home. You are both selfish individuals and maybe can't get enough, thinking that more is better, yet you find over and over that it is not the case... you both need God in your lives!! He is just a little smarter cause, had he not done it, you would probably be the one who would end up breaking his heart, as soon as you met someone else you are attracted to... ( yeah I love... but didn't you love your husband at one point?. marriage is not a fairy tell, it requires work, and sacrifices, a LOT of it... ) My God are there any good ones left??

Anyway, I am sure you know that the task ahead is a tough one, seeing that you care a great deal for the guy." the more you care, the greater the pain and the bigger the lesson learned"... so brace yourself a long ride full of ups and down...

While I am at it, I want to ask you one thing. You said that your husband and you were distant or something like that, did you sincerely try to make things work? Did you go to counseling?. I mean can you honestly say that your tried everything to make your marriage work? Or you say this as an excuse? I think nowadays people think of marriage as if it was girlfriend/boyfriend relationship or something... for christ sake... and people are just too darn selfish and only want to satisfy their ego... now had you stopped and look at the pro and con, your girls, and husband, you would probably decided with you head rather than your urges... you are in this mess because of your own selfish reasons and now you have to deal with it...
And finally, I want to ask you something. What did you really think would happen with this guy?? I mean seriously people!!

[cant breathe]

Thanks gg23 for your comments but do you seriously believe I gave up a 25yr relationship on a whim... no I didn't. Had you read my earlier posts then you will see that yes we did try counselling and yes we did try to save what we had because we have two daughters. Life is not always black and white. A lot of comments on here have said more or less I have made by bed so I should lie on it and yes I suppose that's true because we make our own decisions and choices however we are all human and everyone makes mistakes and all I was looking for was a bit of support from the people on here. I didn't commit a crime I FELL FOR SOMEONE. You asked what I thought was going to happen with the other man... well this is a question I don't think anyone can answer as when you enter into a relationship with someone you never know where it will lead, it's a chance we all take and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I suppose the view is I don't have the right to hurt because the relationship started whilst I was still married well that's your opinion but a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what the circumstances.

[talaniman]

I suppose the view is i don't have the right to hurt because the relationship started whilst i was still married

Fact one, you could have been honest and left, but you stayed until you found someone else, and then cheated. That will not get sympathy from anyone and especially if they have been cheated on by a spouse.

but a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what the circumstances.

Sometimes its poetic justice that things work out. Your husband is happy, and your brokenhearted. Hmmmmmm, I really don't think that's a coincidence do you?
You can still heal, and be happy though.

[gg23]

Every day people that mean to do good become cold and desensitize because of situations like this. This is true for both men and women. People make mistakes. True that, we are humans.

You said your emotions for your former husband was gone long time before that. Unfortunately things like that happen and its human nature! The question is were your honest with him about that or did you mask it and played along?. I m sure there are a lot of details that I don't know... but to people it really looks simple...

" you lied to your husband and family and left him for another man... a man who always want what he can't get... he need to go after people's wives to boost his ego!( I feel sorry for this guy)... after has causes you to do the unthinkable, he then cheats on you, and drops you cold turkey... that what people see... but then again, who cares what people think eh?. anyway what done is done and there is no going back...

You care a lot about this guy, but he is not a good man for you. A good man wouldn't do that. And trust me let him go, he is actually doing you a favor as it came this early!. imagine that you had stayed together longer, you would probably fall harder, and the damage would be even worse... it's a very humbling experience!.

Anyway do what I do... give yourself a few minutes everyday to grieve, then concentrate on the good things in you life, you little girls, and all the good things in your life... cause life is too short to let things like this waste precious time!. it hard I'm sure you already know that, but you be live. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!

[MR SADSACK]

I have to say being harsh on Can't Breathe is rough too
We all go thyru life and find ourseleves in situations we can't control.. I know I did I regret it but it happened were human we fail...
Im having troubles at the moment so this site is absolutley magnificent in the healing process..
I say to Can't Breathe Im with you I understand where you are and maybe this advice is to the pair of us...
The human mind and brain is an amazing organ it CAN and does fix things it will with us too its an ABSOLUTE FACT the annoying thing is when?
I truly feel and it has happened to me in the past, that you wake up and its all gone...
I just hope it happens to both of us sooner than later

[cant breathe]

I'm sitting in the office right now and he's right behind me, laughing , joking and acting completely normally and it's driving me insane... feel like getting up, walking out and never coming back because I don't feel strong enough to be able to do this anymore but I know it would mean financial ruin for me and the girls to do that.

Will these feelings ever go? sad as it is I still love him but this is testing my sanity to the limit.