[eric34]

Been married for 6 years, 2 kids. The wife and I have a good relationship and are friends but I ask her everyday for sex. She says that she's tired, no time, don't want to. We have sex about twice a month but there isn't really anything there. I want foreplay and love to set her off but she says "hurry up don't worry about me" when I do set her off she likes it. She isn't very into trying new things and usually when we do have sex it's just me doing my thing and goodnight. I trust her with my life and I'm 110% positive she isn't getting anything on the side. I want to have sex with my wife at least twice a week(everyday if I had the say). I want her to enjoy iy. She did enjoy it before the kids were here. Help me I'm ready to blow up...

[Moparbyfar]

Often with a woman, after she's had one or more children, her libido can drop dramatically, not to mention the constant feeling of tiredness and for some , they no longer feel attractive. Maybe don't ask her every day as this could possibly be quite annoying for her, not to mention make you look desperate. (I guess by now you would be!)

If it's tiredness she experiences, what are you like round the house? Do you help out with chores like dishes or meals, maybe taking the kids somewhere for a few hours so she can relax without distractions? This may help her not only feel more appreciated, but may give her that needed time to feel refreshened a bit and if you're lucky, amorous too.

Try being more spontaneous! By asking for it every day, she already knows you want it and it's just more of the same old begging routine. What about doing something totally different to set the mood, like, not sleazy but I don't know, use some romance!

So if she doesn't like doing much apart from wham bam thank you maam then just enjoy it while it lasts and be grateful for what you did get. Tell her how you feel! I know it's hard for a guy sometimes to do the old "lay our feelings on the table" kind of thing, but she may not realise just how much it affects you. After all, it takes 2 to make a marriage work, in all areas right? I think you should go to her (when she's not stressed or distracted) and tell her all the concerns you've brought up in this post. You apparently have a good relationship so I don't see why communication can't help solve this.

All the best eric. :)

[eric34]

We share the chores, I cook 95% of the time, take the kids etc but she is still the at home Mom. She recently when back to her old job part time and that has helped(even though daycare is half of what she makes)but she's not really doing it for money.
She is as spontaneous as a rock!! Everything must be in order. We can talk about anything. She does know how I feel.
I am going to try doing something different. Are 6 year anniversary is here on the 15th. I will try and think of something...

[Ash123]

Dude, I feel your pain.

First thing, don't take it personally. It's not you.

Still, you love someone and you can't share intimacy.

A woman changes hormonally with childbirth, and for many, the basic hierarchy in their head changes as well: are the kids happy? Healthy? Hungry?

And she forgets about YOU...

Some couples just "go with it" and realize that sex is going to be different and priorities change. And they are happy. I am not one of those types.

I think a healthy sex life is important and despite a woman's ability to compartmentalize, it is not OK for the other 50% of the relationship - and that's a problem.

I'd recommend counseling. It will show her you are serious and let a pro tackle the issues and agendas without you having to be the bad guy... say it's for both of you.

Your GP Doc can often give you a list of names if you do not have one you know about. It is an issue that many men just don't know how to talk about - and with good reason - they don't know what else to say :-)

She thinks she is being a good mom and she may also be less interested in sex, but that does not mean she cannot learn to share time in ways you can both benefit from - even if the kids have to go with a sitter
Or you all meet in the middle of the day... A counselor can help get the process going... And hopefully she will see that it matters enough to find a compromise.

[Synnen]

It is really really hard for women to switch roles, and that leaves men baffled.

To go from employee to mom to wife takes a shifting of gears in our heads, and we can't do it at the drop of a hat.

I suggest making a date night. Get a regular sitter for the kids, and go out and be a couple together with NO stresses allowed to come along. No worrying about the kids, no complaining about jobs, no griping about family, no stressing about bills--just the two of you reconnecting. If all you're expected to be for an evening is a wife, and not a maid, housekeeper, tutor, nurse, teacher, mom, etc etc--it's a little easier to get into the feel of being sexy and being just a woman with a man she loves.

Take turns planning your dates so that you both get chances to be surprised by it, and plan some of them together. Take the time to talk about hopes and dreams and silly things you've thought about.

If that doesn't work, I too suggest a counselor. I have a feeling that you're both frustrated by the fact that the other person thinks they're getting where you're coming from, but just doesn't.

[igman]

Hey eric, yeah I would suggest not asking for sex everyday (although I understand why you are). I agree, birth effects women so much more than men and its different with each woman. I actually chuckled when I read your story because it sounds so familiar (to me !). I have been married 17 years with 3 kids and I hear the same things. Most of the time I appreciate it when my wife says "don't worry about me" because I know she loves me enough to satisfy my need but at the same time I also want her to enjoy it. Good to know that you trust her and that you are certain that she is not cheating on you. Sounds like you have a good relatinoship and that this "rut" stems from what mopar and synnen have mentioned. I , too suggest creativity. My wife and I have created a "code phrase" to get a feel for the possibility of being together. Our code phrase is " I would like to get your opinion on something" Also, I bought a little piggy bank and told her that each time we are intimate we will put $1 in it. After the 50th time it would increase to $5 and at the end of the year she can go shopping with the money. I think she went and bought a $300 COach purse that year ! Anyway, be patient and loving. Intimacy needs to be part of a marriage but life has a funny habit of getting in the way. Good Luck!!

[Choux]

Yesterday, I read a bit about how having a baby out through the vagina and the tearing or cutting of her flesh really causes change to a woman's sexual organs and ability to enjoy sex as she did before-physically and psychologically.

To make a long story short, a man and woman do best if they cooperate in finding new ways to have pleasure that don't focus entirely on the vagina.

Any time a husband puts himself out to change habits is a real turn on for his wife who responds to the sudden loss of his selfishness in a very positive way.

Women love gifts, mother's helpers in the afternoon, sexless shows of affection, and being bathed by her husband.

There is a lot you can do to lift her spirits... I think she is fed-up with her life and fed-up with you.

Good Luck. :)

[Credendovidis]

May be you expect too much of her... She has a full job with 2 young children. And every day sex seems a little bit too much for the average marriage...
With all respect: I think you are the problem in this marriage at the moment.
Give it time. Be reasonable. Be virtual lovemaker during weekdays, and her physical lover during the weekends.

Besides that : you can not be 110 % sure of anything. 100% is max. And when you even think that you know a person 100 % you simply believe that !

Actually : I doubt even if you know yourself 100% :)

[kellyjo]

Eric I am just like your wife and my husband like you. We, no I just didn't want to take the time we have three children. I find maybe that is just my cover, I also want everything in order I would find myself staying up late to get everything in order after the kids went to bed and when I went my husband may be asleep and I would sneak to not wake him for fear he would want sex and I was tired. If he was awake I would make up excuses until he was upset with me and just went to sleep.

I love him very much and want nothing more than him and my kids to be happy, everything I do is for them but I was hurting him and didn't know it.

At times I would joke and say if you need sex that bad go get it somewhere else. Now honestly that would kill me and I had no idea till just about a month ago that he was thinking about it. I NEVER really wanted him to but I said it anyway?

Back a month ago I had a feeling something fishy was going on so I checked his cell phone we have are own business so he is gone late a couple times a month but always calls me, this one night he didn't that's when I checked he had some calls from a business partners daughter at around 10PM. They were calling back and forth. I flipped I am not a jealous person by nature but this hurt me. Two days after that he was to leave on a hunting trip with some men in my family, I knew he wouldn't do anything then but it was fresh and the hardest thing I have done in this marriage of 12 years.

We talked a ton on the phone while he was gone and long hours into the night when he got home. He told me that he had thought about having an affair not with that woman but someone random, not just for the sex but to feel needed. He didn't understand how I had no affection for him and he felt unwanted. He is not a sensitive guy so this really touched me. Yes he would love to have sex every night but to just show him I loved him like I do would be nice also. We have since started to learn together, to talk more, to hold each other and not have sex, to do things together (we have a farm away from home that I never went to he wanted me to go a lot but I always had laundry or cleaning or whatever I thought was more important), now I go sometimes.

Wow sorry for the life story my point is you need to let her understand how you feel. Not just about the sex but your relationship and let her know you love her even if she doesn't want to have sex, hold her. She'll come around I did. Men don't want to seem weak and needy but you are as much as she is. She wants to enjoy sex not just have it, even if she says that ( I did) change things up a little. Rub her back if she's tired and just let her sleep that night maybe the next time she will not want to sleep:) Maybe you all are not to the point we are maybe you never thought about straying, but it may happen if you can't resolve this now, my youngest child is 10 I have been neglecting my husband a long time and thank the Lord we fixed it when we did or I probably would have lost him.

[igman]

kellyjo... thank you for that perspective. My wife and I are kind of going through the same thing right now. It is not so much the lack of sex that bothered/hurt me but rather the feeling of being unwanted, unattractive, neglected. I, too, had the thought cross my mind of finding someone random. In fact, at one point my wife told me to "find someone to fulfill my needs " .I was shocked she said that. I was feeling so bad that I turned to drinking and just last Friday she started paperwork for a divorce... I was devastated. Luckily, our oldest son (16) convinced her to try and work things out between us. I love her very much and want to grow old with her and it is very hard, considering the "neglect" I have been experiencing, to just lay in bed and hold each other because I want to intimately connect with her. But I understand that we are in a healing process and need to take it one day at a time. In any case, thank you for your story, I feel it will at least help me.

[kellyjo]

igman it is not easy and I can't tell you that it will get better. We are both trying but Iam having trouble trusting him even if he did nothing wrong. Talk to her even if its about silly things make her part of your life in every way. That is I think part of what pushed me away. We to have a 16 year old and trust me they are not dumb he has figured something out and he has changed also. He is mine from a past relationship and my husband has been the only father he has and they like each other but he has a need to protect me. He doesn't want us to split and has told both of us that and even told my husband he loved him and always has. I have figured out after all this time that happy couples make happier children;) Good Luck!