[LillianBelden]

I'm not sure this is the proper place to be asking this question but couldn't find any other category that fit.

I'm 63 and just learned I was adopted. My dad adopted me when I was six months old. My mother promised she wouldn't tell me. He died and mom told me the truth. I loved my dad but I need to talk with my biological father

It was during WWII, mom was dating a sailor (let's call him Jim). They knew each other for about four months when my mother slept with him. Right after that he left for a short tour of duty. Four days after being with Jim my mother was raped. Obviously she didn't know who the father was for sure. When Jim got back my mother told him she was pregnant. He offered to marry her. She was to embarrassed to tell him she was raped so she said she had slept with someone else right after she was with him. She never saw Jim again.

Since August of 2007 we have been trying to contact Jim. My mother wrote a letter and I followed up with three more. I know he has received them because they needed to be signed for. There has been no response. I recently hired a private investgator so see if he could collect DNA from his trash, there was nothing specific that could be used. We decided the investigator should go to Jim's house with picture of my mother and Jim while they were dating. I tried three times, twice he wasn't home and the third time he didn't answer door. Cars were their so he knew he was home.

I'm at a loss as to the my next step. I don't want anything from Jim except to find out if he is my father and if he is, a few hours to sit down and talk with him.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I know I should just be thankful that I had such a great adopted dad. But I really need to find my true identity. PLEASE HELP

[tickle]

Okay, you are 63 and this happened during WW11, so how old do you assume your dad would be now ? Possibly in his 80s or 90s. Do you really think he may be well enough to handle this situation ? You could be considered a stalker, you know. A private investigator going through someone's garbage trying to get DNA really sounds extreme, lillianbelden. I know you want closure, but at whose expense ?

It is really too bad it happened so late in everyone's life. Yes, you should be thankful you had a great dad and a good mom and forget about the past. It may do more harm then good, and maybe put someone in the grave.

[Fr_Chuck]

And he may want nothing to do with you, this is more common in children trying to find their dads than most people know, you have mailed and harassed this poor man, had people going though his trash, for heaven sake, You are just lucky he has not put a restraining ordger against you or had you charged with harassment by now.

Leave him alone and move on

[Synnen]

He owes you nothing.

If he doesn't want contact with you, you need to let it go. He may not even be your dad, and you could be disrupting his life over absolutely nothing!

Find a counselor to talk about your feelings with, but if this man wants nothing to do with you, then you need to find a way to move past it. You HAD a wonderful father for many years--be grateful for what you had.

[Violet31]

Dear Lillian,

I can understand your need to find out who your natural father is and furthermore, I believe it´s everyone´s right to know - if possible.

However, the circumstances are very difficult as others have already stated, but I hope you´ll find your answers somehow. I know of a similar case in my country (in Scandinavia) where DNA was taken from a relative of the "possible father" in question and the question answered (or the probabilities were high). There was no reunion though because the natural father in question was elderly and ill.

I think a mediator was used to negotiate with the family of the natural father. Could that be your answer? You probably don´t want to bother the old man again.

Best of luck to you,

Violet

[Moparbyfar]

Ya poor thing! I know what you must be going through, I mean, all this time you thought you

Knew who you were and now... well it may be hard but you must remember that you had

(I'm assuming) a very caring loving upbringing by 2 parents who love you dearly. I'm

Sorry to hear about your father passing away, but as already pointed out, your real father,

Whoever he is, will be on in years now and may be too fragile to deal with a long lost child

And remember, men from that generation are sometimes not used to dealing with emotion

Very well. You can't force this man to cooperate with what you want but I think it's a good

Idea of Violets, to try and set up a mediator, but even this may seem intrusive for him.

If all else fails, always remember the life and love your adoptive father gave you.

My real parents aren't in the same country as me and I don't have names or photos,

Nothing! I have accepted the fact that I may never find them (I have tried doing a search

Many times) and just focus on giving my own kids all the love and attention I can in this

Mad world. What's that saying? Live for the now not for the past?


All the best LB :)

[Fr_Chuck]

I will again disagree, your "real" father is the man who raised you, the other person is a sperm donor, And there is no need to find out "who" you are, you are the perosn you already are. Finding out you are adopted does not change one thing about you.

[Synnen]

I will again disagree, your "real" father is the man who raised you, the other person is a sperm donor, And there is no need to find out "who" you are, you are the perosn you already are. Finding out you are adopted does not change one thing about you.

I really really really hate these definitions of "real" parents.

So... if the adoptive parent is a "REAL" parent, is the birth parent "imaginary"?

Please--leave the word "real" completely out of it. I'm a "real" parent to my daughter, even though she is being raised by others. I made the best parenting decision I could for her when I placed her for adoption. That doesn't make me an "egg donor". Seriously--you make it sound like birth parents are nothing more than people who had sex and put the kid in a garbage bin for the adoptive parents to "find".

Your REAL parents are ALL of your parents--biological or not--that had a part in your life, even if the only part was conception, or pregnancy, or deciding to give you a better life by giving you adoptive parents.

I agree that finding out you are adopted shouldn't change your self-image, but please let's not negate the "reality" of birthparents--we're not just "donors" any more than adoptive parents are just "people who feed and clothe a kid". There is usually love involved on the part of ALL parents.

[Moparbyfar]

I will again disagree, your "real" father is the man who raised you, the other person is a sperm donor, And there is no need to find out "who" you are, you are the perosn you already are. Finding out you are adopted does not change one thing about you.

You obviously aren't adopted yourself CHUCK! If you were, you'd understand these feelings. They're hard to describe but one can (not always) feel a little empty without knowing who their SPERM or EGG DONOR is no matter how loved and cherished you've been.

Obviously in your country the word 'real' is very offensive. I apologise, but in my country when speaking in terms of adoptive or biological it is just a general term for whichever parent gave you your genes.

You are disagreeing with yourself then? I basically agreed with what you said in your post, I just coated mine with some sugar!

Again, sorry for any offense taken.

[Synnen]

Actually, Chuck is adopted... and an adoptive parent as well.

As far as the word "real" goes--I think, if you read my previous post, that people on all sides of the fence get upset about it's use. How hard is it to just type out "biological" or "adoptive", really? Again, it's not as if one set of parents or the other is "imaginary".

[Moparbyfar]

Like I said, in our country, it ain't so politically incorrect and no one I've met so far - IN MY COUNTRY, get upset at this word, and as I recall Chuck has said himself, people using this site just need tougher skin. It wasn't like I was attacking anyone, geez.

Well fancy that! Chuck is adopted. Of COURSE! Should have seen that coming, but I stand by what I said. He can't assume to think that ALL adoptees should feel complete and just be happy with the way things are. Ok, so maybe LB doesn't feel even a little lost or incomplete, but that's not to say other adoptees don't feel this way.

From his post it sounds like he may have had a negative experience with his birth parents or something at some point. I hope for his sake that's not the case.

LIVE FOR THE NOW, NOT FOR THE PAST. :)

[tickle]

I gave much the same answer othesr did but after reading Moparbyfar's first post I thought I might mention that if an adoptee has serious health problems that didn't come to light when adopted, and may be genetic it helps to have a 'health history'. My husband was adopted, both parents dead and our son at l9 found out he needed a defibrillator installed because a muscle in his heart was too large to accommodate blood flow and was restrictive. He has one of the best cardio doctors in the country who said last year it is unfortunate that he doesn't have some health background. So there you go, it helps sometimes to know for a life or death situation.

He is 26 now, healthy fit and loving life but I often think what if something else pops up somewhere down his road. I guess we have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

[Adopted One]

Many heritable diseases/disorders do not appear until middle age and some of those disorders/diseases skip generations. The cost to the adoptee can be his/her life or serious quality of life issues and they are blindsided by it.