[igman]

I have been married 17 years and my wife has cheated on me 3 times (that I know of). The last time was 5 years ago and she has never really apologized for doing any of it. I know that she loves me but for some reason, it is becoming harder to coninue staying in love with her. Can anyone offer some advice ?

[450donn]

Have you tried marriage counselling? I think you only have one choice at this point. If she has or is continuing to be an adulteress then your choice is live with it or divorce.

[JBeaucaire]

You have to decide what you base your continued commitment on. This point is about YOU, not her.

I could never be unfaithful myself, and a few opportunities have arisen over the years, but I did not act on them because of my commitment to my wife.

Although I hope it happens, my love for her does not require I be treated equally. Far from it. I hope I am the one who loves most, gives the most, sacrifices the most, and I get great satisfaction from this.

About 10 years into our marriage, we had some serious discussions about the way we were going to treat this "unconditional love" approach. I decided then and told her as much that there was nothing she could do to make me leave her. I was in it to the end.

There is a LONG list of things she can do that will destroy me deeply, and possibly for all time. But she is my bloodmate, my life partner, and when I'm over the initial shock of the hurt, I would be back at her side figuring out what we must do next.

She was not able to make the same promise, but I do not need it. This is about me and the nature of what the life commitment means in my heart. This is how I choose to live.

This can be truly freeing to your marriage, too. If you take the "I only stay if you do the following things" mentality off the table, then the only actions and responses you ever consider are the ones that lead back to reaffirming your marriage.

You can be totally in love and committed and still make horrible mistakes. Human nature. Requiring "never screw up and especially not in big ways"... well, some people may simply not have that kind of strength. Giving it all up, even the real love and vows you made, over these mistakes, even the big ones... well, to me, that's not necessary.

Unconditional love means your vow is real, and you fight the fight to the end. It makes the whole thing worthwhile, too.

[igman]

How can I get my wife to understand that it is not jealousy. Over the past 17 years of our marriage she has been unfaithful 3 times. I am still dealing with it so, naturally I am guarded when I see her talking or interacting with another man. She says that I am acting like I used to when we were dating (20 years ago! ). I told her that this is different... I am not jealous , just guarded. I will add that of the 3 times, one was a co-worker and the other was a very good friend... this is why I am so apprehensive. How do I get her to understand ?

[progunr]

She's cheated, three times, and you are still there for her.

What else does she need to understand?

She can behave anyway she pleases, and you will be there to pick up the pieces, I think
She understands very well.

Sorry to be so blunt, but really, three times?

[igman]

I know 3 times is more than enough. I guess I still believed in marriage the first time (plus my son was only 1 year old). The second time I was very religious and decided that if God could her forgive her then so could I. This last time I was so enraged that I had to deal with that first (plus now we have 3 kids)

[sandra6]

You are not jealous just worried about your family. You sound like a decent guy and that why she is doing this to do. I'm sorry but you deserve better. Don't let her walk all over you. Be Brave.

[DoulaLC]

I know 3 times is more than enough. I guess I still believed in marriage the first time (plus my son was only 1 year old). The second time I was very religious and decided that if God could her forgive her then so could I. This last time I was so enraged that I had to deal with that first (plus now we have 3 kids)

You can forgive someone, but that doesn't mean you have to stay married to them. You can love someone very much, but that also doesn't mean they are the best partner for you.

If you are not going to consider yourself, consider what your children are learning about relationships. Something has to change in order for them to know what a healthy, loving relationship looks like... only you can decide what that change may be, and your wife will have to be a part of it one way or another.

[JBeaucaire]

Actually, you're doing fine. You don't have to assuage her discomfort on this issue. Let her be upset. You're doing fine.

You can't MAKE her understand something she already understands perfectly. She is unhappy with being reminded of her past behavior, and you're "cautiousness" about her and other men REMINDS her she's a cheater. She's uncomfortable, so she blames you.

When she "speeches" at you, let her. When she's done, just say the same thing: "You married a faithful and intelligent man. I love you, I forgive you, but I'm too smart to forget. I know you understand."

Then stop. If she wants to argue, let her do it onesided.

[NowWhat]

I fully understand what you are saying when you mentioned "jealous no, guarded yes".

You see her talking to someone and in your mind you think, "Oh no, not again". It is a knee-jerk reaction to what you have been through. It is hard to forget about an affair. Personally, I think the pain stays with you or at least part of it. And most of the time you do a good job on keeping it tucked away. But it is still there. And when you see something like her chatting and laughing with a man - it comes out.

So, how do you get her to understand? I think she does. But, you can always try telling her again. I really like what JBeaucaire said when it comes to a response. That should do the trick.

[pennygirl]

OK here is my spin on things
On you being gaurded.. please don't feel bad about that. Most people couldn't deal and you are just trying to be able to have the family and marriage you deserve and are not yet able to really relax.. it takes time and she messed up so she needs to be able to give you all the time you need... the ball is in your court
When you get bothered by her interacting with other men... and you mention it or she feels it... she shouldn't accuse you of being "weak" or jealous.. THAT is when she should be consoling you reassuring you all those things.. again she messed up so this is the kindof stuff she's got to do
NOWWWW.. here's the spin and NOT to make you out to be the bad guy
But Id think about why she cheated.. and maybe her interactions with other guys now is a little weird.. maybe you are sensing something and not just old memories.. and her turning on you when you express it is getting defensive.. people don't get defensive if nothing is going on.. only hit dog holler phrase comes in here..
So why did she cheat before and why is she still possibly having inappropriate interactions now?
This sounds bad but its what I've learned in my short life and may or may not apply
Why do women cheat.. maybe they are just horrible people blah blah... but maybe they get something from it they aren't getting from home.. not the thrill factor of someone new but maybe something she wishes she could get from you.. like attention... stuff like that
Im married and my husband is pretty slack on any affection.. I don't really feel special anymore.. oh boo hoo me... but what Im getting at is when I'm out and about and get even a small amount of attention from other men.. like when walking across a boring grocery store parking lot and I see someone stop and stare.. it feels goooood.. and I begin to miss that feeling... what I had when I first met my husband... I'm not the cheating kind so never would act on it.. but I see how people could do that.. its not right but I still understand... NOW if my husband was all over me and still made me feel special and all that jazz.. id find guys looking at me "cute" and nothing more.. not the wait maybe I still am attractive kindof feeling...
With you having 3 kids maybe your wife just feels like mother earth mommy and the nice wifey but inside she still wants to feel special to you
NOT saying it is at all your fault.. if this is how she felt then she should have told you long ago before it went to cheating..
I guess you got to get to the root of why she cheated and she needs to come clean... if she turns out to be someone that just needs the thrill of someone new and it has nothing to do with your relationship then you can go from there.. do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you can't relax with? Is that healthy for your kids?
Broken families sound horrible but having two parents that aren't really in a happy marriage is just as damaging..
Just my spin
But as for you feeling insecure.. if she wants the marriage to work.. she screwed you up so its up to her to give you all the time and reassurance you need until you can relax again and just enjoy life.. always looking over your shoulder or feeling the rug is going to be pulled out again is no way to live...

[igman]

I understand what you are saying pennygirl. Overall, I think the root cause is her lack of self-esteem which I have tried to build up. I have ALWAYS paid attention to her. The first time she said she did it because she thought I had cheated on her (I had gotten a heat rash vay down dare ). The second time was because she said I Didn't pay attention to her and the last time she said that she didn't know why (according to her things were great between us). I have never said to her "how would you think you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot ?"I agree, an unhealthy marriage can be just as damaging as being divorced. Thank you !

[Libbers21]

If she was unfaithful 3 times what makes you think that she's not going to do it again? I understand people change and grow up but it's hasn't happened for her yet and from the sounds of it , it's not going to ! I would just move on, because if you stay you are going to spend the rest of your life worrying what she is doing and who she is with, it could be 20 yrs down the road and your still going to worry because say that you didn't find out that she cheated at all in the last 20 yrs that doesn't mean that she hasn't!

[sandra6]

I agree with some of what pennygirl has said but I think you have to decide what is better for you and your children's health. Its not good living life like this you are worth more than that. Because she has cheated before who is to say she will stop. Which ever way you look at it she will keep doing it until you put a stop to it. She thinks you are jealous and I think she likes it.

[igman]

My wife just filed for divorce. What happens next ? If we work things out, then what ? I live in California. I do not want a divorce.

[George_1950]

Just curious: how do you know she just filed for divorce?

[igman]

We had an argument last night and we both stayed home from work today and then she left in the morning. When she came back I started talking to her (apologizing) and she said it was too late... she just came back from filing the paperwork.

[George_1950]

So, she didn't have a copy? You are entitled to a copy. She will either provide it or have you served by a deputy, ordinarily.

[Fr_Chuck]

She normally can't "just file" she may have gotten paper work, may have talked to an attorney,

But if she files, you will be served with paper work, there will be a court date, perhaps mediation. If she wants a divorce there in the long run is nothing you can do to stop it.

[George_1950]

Are any children involved?