[orange]

My biological father has been deceased for a few years. I had a relationship of sorts with him for part of my childhood and teen years, although it wasn't a very good one. I won't go into all the different reasons I think so, because it would take too long, but... I really don't think he loved me at all, and although I might have loved him when I was a little kid, I don't now. I don't have a problem with this, but other people seem to think I can't possibly be right. They think some part of me must still love him, and that I'm in denial about it. And they think he must have loved me in some way, whereas I personally feel he was incapable of love.

Anyway it's not a serious issue to me anymore, I'm married and soon going to have my first baby, have great "adopted" parents and in-laws. But I am curious what others think. Is it possible for parents and children to not love each other at all? Thanks for any comments.

[Fr_Chuck]

Nothing wrong, why should you have feelings for someone you don't know, has not been a part of your life and did not care enough for you to be a part ofyour life.

Acutally hate or serious dislike would be closer to the proper emotion if you were to have one in my opinon. ( not that you are to hate anyone, I will hear confessions latter )

But you find new people in your life to fill in roles when the real people do not, it appears you have.

Men who have nothing to do with their children are sperm donors not parents, a parent is there to raise you and love you.

[CaptainForest]

I agree with Fr Chuck.

For a person you barely knew, not having feelings for him is acceptable/natural.

I never knew my grandfather. Do I love him? I don't know... I never met the guy. I hear he was a nice guy.

If you don't form connections with people, then it is much harder to develop love for that person.

Just because he is your biological father doesn't mean he is entitled to your love. He is just a sperm donor.

[RWeyer]

I totally agree with these two. How CAN you have feelings of "love" for someone like that. Ya got to remember, "love" is a very strong emotion, not to be confused with "thankful that he helped bring you into this world", or even "like". And I'm not being fesicioius (sp?). I know where you are coming from. My biological father passed away about 12 years ago and if anything, I was mad because he left this earth. Why? Because I know he was suffering while he was here because he was NOT a good person and did NOT have a good life (not to mention that he hopefully was feeling guilty for the way he forced his own children to live by leaving us when we were all very little - 6 of us). So, you are not abnormal. Your feelings are definitely justified.

[phillysteakandcheese]

I can understand your feelings, and I agree you may not have love for you father given his lack of connecting to you, but…

I am sure your father loved you. He probably was unable to express his love in a way you could understand, and he likely felt ashamed about that, and probably also that he was not there for you growing up.

He may have had personal demons that he was unable to overcome, but I think (as a human being) he did have love for you somewhere in his heart – even if it never surfaced.

[fredg]

Hi,
It would be hard for me to understand that anyone who fathers a child, could not, in some way, have love for that child.
I do believe that, in his own way, your "real" father did love you. It's hard for some men to actually say "I love you", and maybe he did when you were much younger. Some fathers (and mothers) have so many "personal problems" that sometimes, they are incapable of actually saying it.

[orange]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I see there is a definite mix between people who think it's possible that he didn't love me, and people who think he must have loved me, even in some small way. I still think he didn't, but maybe it's more a question of semantics. My idea of love is not someone who says "I love you" and hugs you or whatever, but it's someone who actually looks out for your best interests, disciplines you, and tries to help you in various ways. Here are some examples of what my biological father did that make me think he didn't love me:

I was living with him and his girlfriend for about a year when I was 11. I ran away from home, and I was gone for 3 days. When I came home, my father didn't say anything about it and didn't even seem to notice that I had been gone at all.

During this same year, I was hit by a car on the way to school, and broke my leg. I spent 10 days in the hospital. I called my father at his work to tell him that I was in the hospital. He got angry and said to never call him at work, and then he hung up on me. He never visited me the whole time I was in there, sent anything, or called. When it was time for me to be released, a family friend picked me up and took me to her place, explaining that I couldn't get up the stairs at home, and my father couldn't carry me because of his back. So I stayed with them until my leg was better.

Also during this same year, I would babysit this little girl who lived a few blocks away. She was the daughter of one of my father's colleagues. He was a drunk and so would stay out very late, sometimes until 3 am or later. I'd walk home at that time, even on school nights, and my father never said a word or seemed to notice.

This same colleague of my father's tried to have sex with me a few months later, while he was drunk. I actually had some bruises where he grabbed me. I tried to tell my father about it, but he was totally uninterested and thought I was lying. So I took an overdose of pills that night. At the hospital, I overheard my father saying to the doctor that I was "a problem" for him and he didn't want to deal with me anymore. A social worker came and picked me up the next day, and I went back into foster care. My father of course never said good bye or anything.

That's just a bit of what he was like. Mostly he acted like I didn't exist, and only got angry when other people forced him to pay attention to me. He wasn't a stupid or uneducated person, either... he was a university professor, and very active in local charities. He was even in the Big Brother association, and had a little boy who he saw regularly. He spent infinitely more time with that little boy than he ever spent with me.

Anyway thanks again everyone for the responses.

[love and be loved]

Hey I know this anser is kind of late but I believe that all parents in some way care about there children so I think he did care about you even if he did not love you I do believe that it is very posibel not to love you father or even care about him

[aqua@home]

Hi,

I agree with most people here. I went through some rocky times with my parents and sometimes I still do. I think that it is possible for biological relations to not necessarily have any sort of a bond. I once came to the conclusion that the people we call "mom", "dad", "brother" etc. and any other names we have for family are simply given to them but I think they truly need to be earned. It is a privilege to be in someone's life and it should be treated as such. I think that people are in our lives to help us learn and grow. Whether that means we become better or they do, good or bad, whatever, they are in our lives however long or short for a reason. However you feel about this person is up to you. I don't think you should feel bad about any of your feelings. You will grow and learn from it and you will be able to take whatever you get from that relationship to other relationships. Even if you just get that you don't want to treat others the way you've been treated. If a parent doesn't play the role, they don't deserve the title or at least the respect to go with it. I hope I haven't dragged on too long. Anyway, take care.

PS. Your dad sounds a little like mine. I could do the dumbest, most dangerous things and my parents just didn't notice. Now people see things kids do as a cry for help. Then, I just wasn't noticed. Some men and women have a hard time dealing with their feelings and therefore don't know how to deal with yours. I hope at least some of this helped. Good luck.

[Hypatia]

Some people have tunnel vision. Actually we all do. While we can see other peoples views to a degree, it takes real talent to actually "Get Them". Many people might agree with you in your version of the facts, but many will also agree with another version. We usually seek out and draw those who would agree and who are like minded. Someone who disagreed would usually just pass up the discussion.

What I feel, (empathy coming through), is that yes, your father did love you. Yet there was something majorly effecting this love, like he didnt know how to love correctly, he had issues of his own childhood, he saw you as very different than you did or maybe even he saw you as something he wasnt and couldnt understand you. Whatever the reason it hindered his love for you from going to you how you wanted it. Yet also, maybe he could only give love in a certain way and where you needed hugs and understanding, he could only give financial support and what in his mind was love, that went unseen by you.
Sometimes people just dont get it and never will. It isnt a bad thing really, its like trying to make someone something you can understand by force. He might have been cruel, indifferent, and oblivious to you but how can you really fault what you only saw through your eyes and will never have the chance to understand?
So you dont love him, that isnt the issue. The thing you should wonder is if you want to love him. Because you can love him and be ok with this situation in your life. You just love him for who he was. Love him for being the sperm donor that gave you life. Love him for trying in his own way. Love him for whatever you want.
You have a reason to not love him, you have a reason to love him. I think in the end when we stand before "God" we are asked only one thing.
Did you love.

I think this is a subject in your life over and over because even though you hold all these resentments and bad memories against him, there is a part of you that longs to love your father. Longing is a strong pull sometimes. I think you dont think he deserves your love, he doesnt merit it, though you really wish he did. You are at a time in your life where you are about to have a baby and you see the importance of child parent love. Why now more than before, because you love your unborn child more than anything in this world and cannot fathom how your dad could treat you so coldly. Especially when you can only see yourself laying down at the feet of your soon to be babe and giving it the moon.
I think its ok to be mad at your dad for not feeling and showing you the love you long for. I think its ok that you resent your dad and cannot even fathom why he didnt love you the way you feel you needed. I think its ok to just love him and let go of that emptyness, that feeling of being ok with not loving him. It is cold and empty, that feeling. It gets angry and spiteful. You should resolve this and choose to love him for what you can and let that love grow in your heart. This way when you think of your dad and look in your childs eyes, there will be no need to ever think those thoughts of a painful memory. You can let those go finally. Those memories will be taken over by a love you can teach your child.

Be who you want your children to become and do not fear where you come from. Love because you can.


Hypatia

[orange]

Thanks love and be loved, aqua and hypatia for your responses about my father. I didn't see them right away as this is one of my older threads (I asked the question about 6 weeks ago), and I was no longer subscribed to it.

I'd comment more on what you've all said but I am close to having my baby at this point and it's hard to sit at the computer much. I likely won't be very active on the site for a while. But anyway just wanted to acknowledge your contributions to the thread and thank you for them.