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Sissy0514 · May 24, 2008, 07:59 AM

I just found out that for the last 9 months my husband has had a relationship via phone, text & e-mail with a woman that he had a total crush on in high school & college. The "friendship" ended before we met, but when he first told me about it I was shocked. The woman used him for years gifts & trips but always refused to be his girlfriend. Now he has been keeping her a secret from me for all this time & says its nothing but a friend. She is married and knew he was keeping her a secret. I am so hurt and confused. I want to leave but we have two daughters and I don't want to break up the family because he made a mistake. What should I do?

JBeaucaire · May 24, 2008, 08:21 AM

You want to be the one guilty of breaking up your marriage? So far he's done something you don't like, but nothing worth land-mining your entire future. You don't see that leaving him is absolutely an over-reaction?

You're not a bystander in your life, either. He IS your husband. Tell him his secret relationship, innocent or not, is hurtful to you. You love him, want him to be as committed to you as you are to him. Let him know you ARE committed.

If you think even for a moment that he is starting to drift, he won't get away, and the world will feel the wrath of you protecting your family. Your WHOLE family.

Give the ex-girlfriend a CALL... no texts or email. In a befriending way, without trying to be her friend, greet her. Let her know you are aware of the communications. They may seem innocent, and perhaps are, but you're not sure how your children or her husband would view them, so perhaps she should reconsider them.

Let her know you love your husband and trust him, warranted or not, but you will protect your children from losing their father, they deserve that. Perhaps you might need to just come by some time and talk it over with her and her family. Who knows?

We can't protect the infiltrator and our family at the same time. But in reaching out to them, we don't have to START with angry, insecure lashing out. BETTER, a calm, self-assured, strong-spined posture to the world goes a long way.

Your husband needs a wife like that. And it's sexy as hell.

Fr_Chuck · May 24, 2008, 08:46 AM

He just needs to know he has lost your trust and has to earn it back, he needs to be open and prove it is not happening any longer

frangipanis · May 24, 2008, 10:40 PM

Now that he's aware you know, he may realise she isn't worth it, and how much more he loves you and the girls.

talaniman · May 25, 2008, 03:14 PM

I really like JB's proactive controlled fury approach! A phone call COULD clear the air.

susangpyp · May 25, 2008, 03:47 PM

I would let your husband know that secrets are simply unacceptable and that you'd like to go forward with no secrets and any further secrets will be a real trust buster and you will have to take action then.

In my opinion, I wouldn't talk to the old flame. She owes you nothing and takes the focus off your relationship between you and your husband which is where, I think, the focus should be. That's just my opinion and I know it differs from others but to me, (and I'm not saying I'm right, I just have another opinion), the other person is almost besides the point. It's the love and trust between the two of you that matter most. (again IMHO)

I would sit down and talk to him about what is acceptable and unacceptable... maybe he doesn't know... and ask him to tell you the same. Open communication and then promise to hold each other to that acceptable / unacceptable standard.

magicofmakingup · May 25, 2008, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

You want to be the one guilty of breaking up your marriage? So far he's done something you don't like, but nothing worth land-mining your entire future. You don't see that leaving him is absolutely an over-reaction?

You're not a bystander in your life, either. He IS your husband. Tell him his secret relationship, innocent or not, is hurtful to you. You love him, want him to be as committed to you as you are to him. Let him know you ARE committed.

If you think even for a moment that he is starting to drift, he won't get away, and the world will feel the wrath of you protecting your family. Your WHOLE family.

Give the ex-girlfriend a CALL...no texts or email. In a befriending way, without trying to be her friend, greet her. Let her know you are aware of the communications. They may seem innocent, and perhaps are, but you're not sure how your children or her husband would view them, so perhaps she should reconsider them.

Let her know you love your husband and trust him, warranted or not, but you will protect your children from losing their father, they deserve that. Perhaps you might need to just come by some time and talk it over with her and her family. Who knows?

We can't protect the infiltrator and our family at the same time. But in reaching out to them, we don't have to START with angry, insecure lashing out. BETTER, a calm, self-assured, strong-spined posture to the world goes a long way.

Your husband needs a wife like that. And it's sexy as hell.

Absolutely great answer. I couldn't say it better myself.

You have to stay on top of such a situation, be the boss.

What I would do besides the great advice above is finding out what your husband likes at here, what attract him.
As far as they never went to bed together it can't be sex. So what she has what drives him crazy ? Then you should try to see if this is some he complained with you in the past.

Visual changes are easy to do, but go slowly with that as it has to look like YOU wanted it, not like you do copy the other woman.

Perhaps your husband is a guy which likes what he can't get. Do you make yourself difficult sometimes ?

How is your marriage going anyway. Are you having a general crisis ? Perhaps you have to work over other things and he is interested in this old friendship because he is not satisfied with some other stuff in your relation ?

Men tend to get interested in old relationships when they miss some at home or when they have to fight a lot. I believe the fact that he never get what he wants (sex) from the other woman makes him even more interested in her.

Just don't throw all over board before you are not aware of the situation yet. Be smart and get control over the things. You have a marriage, kids, a house, a dog etc.

By the way, the other woman is married too, so she as well should take care. Is here husband know this ? Does he know your husband ?

G.

talaniman · May 25, 2008, 08:53 PM

I would let your husband know that secrets are simply unacceptable and that you'd like to go forward with no secrets and any further secrets will be a real trust buster and you will have to take action then.

As usual the voice of logic. I think your opinion is correct, as the problem is between husband and wife, but nothing wrong with letting everyone know how you feel. If it was innocent, why not introduce this ex, and have coffee, not this suspicious looking stuff he is doing.

confused1145 · May 25, 2008, 08:59 PM

Sit down and talk to your husband about this situation. Let him know how hurt you are due to him keeping secrets. If at all possible try to work through it unless you find that there was more than just talking involved. Let him know that you will no longer stand for it.

RunDownLover · May 27, 2008, 10:13 AM

Things Can Be Tough At This Stage.. If Things Are Still Continuing With Your Husband And his Friend.. Be Strong. For Your Girls And Yourself. They Would hate To Loose There Father.. Or Even You. A lot Of People Said to CALL Her. I Think This Would Be The Best Way. Just Explaine To Her How You Feel And You Don't Want To Risk Your Marriage. Im sure She Will Understand If She ALSO Is Married. No One Wants To Loose The Person They Love Most. Good Luck Hun And Stay Strong :)

Sissy14 · May 28, 2008, 08:16 PM

Thanks guys for all the wonderful support! I did immediately call her when I found out & spoke to her & her husband. I tried my level best to NOT be rude or hateful but explained I had no idea what was going on. In fact when I found the text message he refused to tell me who it was & the name made it look like it was from a guy but part of the message was "Your such a big tease" He maintains there was nothing more so did she. We have started marriage counseling. I am very suspicious of this woman after 15-16 yrs she just shows up and wants to be his friend again? She did send him an e-mail after this and asked if everything was OK? She also mentioned that I sounded NICE on the phone. I asked him to stop all contact with her. If it was all just friendship why the secret for so long! Did I mention when the friendship broke off all those years ago she had just married some else and called my husband a stalker & he was hurt & didn't understand what he had done. I just don't think a woman with no other intentions would behave this way.