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    busymom's Avatar
    busymom Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    May 21, 2008, 07:40 AM
    How Can I Express my need for Respect?
    A female co-worker of my husband tried to seduce him about 6 months ago. She told him that she knew he was married and didn't care, she didn't expect anything more than sex from him. He actually contemplated it for a while (we were going through a rough patch) but nothing happened and he told me everything that had been said, etc. Of course I was hurt that he could think of straying, but I appreciated his honesty. We have come a long way since then, trying very hard to rekindle our romance. Somewhere between the incident and now, I told him that I was not okay with him continuing to be friends with her. I understand that they work together, but do not like the idea of them hanging out on personal time (they do in groups), phone calls or text messaging. He more or less said "ok" and continued, not caring that it completely disrespects me to continue a personal relationship with her. I have since hung out with her and the group and have decided not to make an issue as I do not want to deter him from telling me things in the future - I would rather know than have him hide things. At the same time, I feel completely disrespected at him choosing his friendship with this slut over his wife's feelings. I feel that as his wife, my feelings should take priority over any friendship - especially since we have been married for almost 9 years and he met her a year ago. I have no question about his faithfulness and know she is no threat. How do I express to him that I feel disrespected without harping on the incident? It's eating me alive-HELP!!
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #2

    May 21, 2008, 08:11 AM
    Wow, this is not right. This girl made a pass at him, tried to get him into bed even though he's married to you. Does he not understand that continuing a friendship with this girl is a slap in the face? How would he feel if the tables were turned, I would ask him that. Sit down and tell him that this hurts you and that it is unacceptable, talk to him, or learn to live with it. Your choice.

    Good luck.
    michelemediapro's Avatar
    michelemediapro Posts: 7, Reputation: 3
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    #3

    May 21, 2008, 09:16 AM
    Men are just stupid, I am so sorry for his lack of respect. I know how you feel, that you don't want him to hide things from you, and that just leaves you hanging.
    I don't have an answer, just sending my support.
    I guess I would continue to be at those group functions and make yourself look like a confident and beautiful wife, just keep your eyes open and have you spoke to her?
    I would confront her, and let her know that you know how desperate she appears, and how dare her even look twice at your husband. Tell her to go get her own man, and leave your man alone, he obviously trusts you and told you, so that should mean something. Maybe if she knows that you know, she will feel like the slut she is behaving like? Be careful, don't let your husband off the hook, make sure you let him know how much it means to you that he still confides in you, maybe with your support and love, he will remain strong.
    I would be careful not to inflate his ego too much, don't make him think that he's all that.
    Just stay a team, but I definitely would confront her and tell her to back off, and that she is really lowering herself, and that you and your husband are unbreakable, unstoppable team and MARRIED!
    Good luck!
    Michele
    brian1231's Avatar
    brian1231 Posts: 113, Reputation: 6
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    #4

    May 21, 2008, 09:24 AM
    Ask him if roles were reversed, if hed want you being friends with a guy in that situation?
    bigbird213's Avatar
    bigbird213 Posts: 681, Reputation: 110
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    #5

    May 21, 2008, 09:38 AM
    Now I don't want to get beaten here but...

    You said you don't question his faithfulness at all and you trust him completely and she isn't a threat. Is it worth the struggle and the potential wedge it could drive into your marriage? I know the incident was terrible, but if they simply are just friends... whats the harm?

    I guess what I'm saying is I hope it isn't a stance at getting him to do what you want. A play for power could end badly, and I would hate to see that happen. I have been in a relationship where my girlfriend tried to tell me, at times, what I could and couldn't do... it was very trying..

    Or do you not believe that they are just friends, you trust him but not her??

    Just my thoughts...


    (ducks for cover)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    May 21, 2008, 10:01 AM
    I have no question about his faithfulness and know she is no threat.
    If this was a true statement, what should he do to placate you? Change jobs, or groups at work? What do you mean by personal relationship? If your not worried about him cheating, or her seducing him, where is this disrespect coming from? If I where your husband I would be confused as heck!
    How do I express to him that I feel disrespected without harping on the incident? It's eating me alive-HELP!!
    Examine and define your own feelings, before you can express them, you must understand them yourself. From what you wrote the incident is over with, what are you holding onto that you feel disrespected?
    busymom's Avatar
    busymom Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    May 21, 2008, 11:21 AM
    Thank you all for your responses. Some of you have pointed out valid questions that I would like to respond to. Maybe this will help clear up inconsistency in my dilemma. I am not worried that something will happen, but something almost happened. For him to remain friends with her after I told him how hurt I was and that I felt he was choosing her friendship over my feelings is disrespectful to me. Again, I don't want to harp on it, or keep bringing it up to him, but the fact that as his wife and the mother of his children I deserve the respect for him to say "you're right, she tried to sleep with me (more than once) and to remain friends with her is not the right thing to do". He doesn't have the option of not seeing her at work as he works with a very tight-knit team.

    Someone asked if I've talked to her. I haven't talked to her about what she tried to do. I tend to be very non-confrontational and if I cause a scene with her it could potentially hurt my husband at work. Instead I was EXTREMELY nice to her. Kind of like "keep your friends close but your enemies closer".

    Again, I don't want to harp on the actual incident, because I do not want him to think "great, this is what I get for telling her". The part I am upset about is the fact that he did not have enough respect for me or my feelings to cut ties with her outside of work when I told him as bluntly as possible that I was not okay with them remaining friends.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    May 21, 2008, 11:40 AM
    to cut ties with her outside of work when I told him as bluntly as possible that I was not okay with them remaining friends.
    Clarify outside of work. Alone together or in a group setting?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    May 21, 2008, 12:15 PM
    I am not worried that something will happen, but something almost happened.
    But didn't he talk to you about it like a good hubbie should??
    busymom's Avatar
    busymom Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    May 21, 2008, 12:38 PM
    talaniman,
    Thank you very much for trying to get me to look at other perspectives. I hope that I do not sound defensive in my responses to you as I truly appreciate your input.

    "outside of work" is in a group setting - usually at a nightclub or a bar. However text messaging and phone calls are also present.

    Yes, he did come clean, but not until I badgered him for a month because I thought something was going on (wives can sense these things).

    I have accepted that he will do what he wants and I can not stop him, and generally speaking I do not try to tell him what he can or can't do. Some additional history: I work during the day, he works at night. I have weekends off, he has 2 weekdays off. I do not give him grief for going out on his nights off... even though our baby was not sleeping through the night and I could have really used his assistance (and yes, I did mention that a few times). My only stipulation has been that if he is not going to be home when I wake up for work (5am), he needs to call to let me know.

    I did not ask him to change his schedule after I found out, I told him that I realized he still had to work with her and would still have interaction with her. I do not think it was a lot to ask that he not remain friends with her outside of work. Again, this woman attempted to seduce my husband on numerous occasions, telling him that she knew he was married and didn't care, that he could do whatever he wanted to her with no strings attached. My problem however, is not with anything other than the blatant disregarded for my feelings. As a husband, shouldn't that be a priority? The only choice that I have had is to suck it up accept that they will remain friends; this still does not take away the hurt of the disrespect he showed towards me by choosing her friendship over my feelings.
    squeaks77's Avatar
    squeaks77 Posts: 113, Reputation: 19
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    #11

    May 21, 2008, 12:50 PM
    Go to their non-work time activities and be the most loving wife you can.. . In front of her. Not clingy, but make sure you put your arm around him and give him a kiss. You can say "back off b@tch" without actually saying it! But I do agree that if your husband knows how you feel and he considered the invite for sex was important to tell you about then it was serious and he is disrespecting you by hanging out with her on personal time.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #12

    May 21, 2008, 12:58 PM
    So, you're not willing to risk behaviors that could have bad ripple effects in his work, but you are willing to entertain and foster risky feelings in your MARRIAGE. Boy, that sure sounds like a priority problem on your part.

    That you feel he needs to behave towards others in a way to assuage your feelings is pretty sad. Oh, it's common, don't get me wrong. We read those stories here on the forum all the time. It's just... short sighted.

    He's your man. You've already won. Take a huge relax pill, when you're tempted to lecture him about proving his love by changing his actions... ignore that and sex him up instead. Much better idea.

    The "rough patch" you mentioned, nothing happened then either. So, make sure you two have a worked out plans NOW on how you will make it through future rough patches. Smart, loving people plan for all contingencies, even their own weaknesses.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #13

    May 21, 2008, 01:01 PM
    BTW, to be official, I do not concur that his ignoring your wishes is a sign of disrespect. It's hurtful, I agree, but a man only changes his behaviors by inspiration, not by coercion. You'll rarely guilt a man into changing much.

    You can guilt a woman into a LOT because that's the way she is motivated... by emotions. Your man isn't your woman, he won't respond like you want to girly things like "If you loved me you would ________."

    Keep that in mind. He's not being disrespectful. He's just being a man. And you're his woman. Inspire him.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #14

    May 21, 2008, 05:28 PM
    If you see the way he handles things as disrespectful, consider you only have his word to go with in the first place, and even if everything he said was true, then he acted in a respectful manner by turning her down, and being honest and faithful. Period, that should be the end, and you should be beaming love.
    Now you feel disrespected, even though you know the whole entire story of him, being honest and faithful. I think your disrespect can better be seen as fear and jealousy that he may cave, added to the fact he is not obeying your wishes, based on your own feelings.
    As a married man of more than thirty years, I would consider telling me how to handle my business, choose my friends, or how to act toward those I work with, and whom you my wife knew, not only disrespectful, but crossing the line of decency, trust, and my personal HONOR AS A MAN.
    How do I express to him that I feel disrespected without harping on the incident? It's eating me alive-HELP!!
    How come letting it go is not on the list as a course of action, as he has proven not only loyalty, but honesty and fidelity. Why can't it be possible your making more of this than should be? Why do you expect a man to cater to that feeling that you have, and it is you who may be disrespectful, but of course we don't consider how HE may feel, only how you feel. That ain't fair, and if your husband is anything like me, he won't like that argument your throwing out any more than I do.
    That's right up there with "If you loved me you would....................!" Sorry but I would expect a lot more logical conversation, and even a willingness to have the benefit of a doubt, than you letting your feelings lead you to the conclusion, that you demand how I behave, in the name of respect. Having said that, it be great to talk it over, and explain your feelings truthfully, in terms of your fears, so you both can be reassured.
    You have a great guy, and he deserves your respect. Or at least the benefit of a doubt.
    squeaks77's Avatar
    squeaks77 Posts: 113, Reputation: 19
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    #15

    May 21, 2008, 05:45 PM
    Are you worried not that your husband will end up cheating, but the co-worker (who probably doesn't have children and actually has time to beautify every day) will eventually charm her way into his pants on a bad day? As some has said "he's a man, thats how they work", well if a female is constantly putting herself out there, having no morale issues with have sex with a taken man, and he rarely sees the wife because of work schedules.. . He might slip some day. I think that is what eats you up inside, maybe? You hardly see him and with a baby.. . Where's the time to make a quality effort? How much time do you two spend together on average?
    bigbird213's Avatar
    bigbird213 Posts: 681, Reputation: 110
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    #16

    May 21, 2008, 06:15 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by squeaks77
    Are you worried not that your husband will end up cheating, but the co-worker (who probably doesn't have children and actually has time to beautify each and every day) will eventually charm her way into his pants on a bad day? As some has said "he's a man, thats how they work", well if a female is constantly putting herself out there, having no morale issues with have sex with a taken man, and he rarely sees the wife because of work schedules . . . he might slip some day.
    I might have misunderstood which is why I didn't give you a red, but as a man I find that personally offensive.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    May 21, 2008, 07:10 PM
    Like all conflicts, you must be able to communicate, and express your feelings, so be aware of how you express yourself, as that's as important as the what you express. Contrary to popular belief, some of us men are very capable of dealing with the advances of a female.
    squeaks77's Avatar
    squeaks77 Posts: 113, Reputation: 19
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    #18

    May 21, 2008, 09:34 PM
    If I hurt your feeling with such harsh phrases as "As some has said "he's a man, thats how they work" and "he might slip some day" I'm terribly sorry. I can't possible think of a gentler, more PC way to say "Some men are pigs and some women worry too much about her man being a secret one" than the previous phrases.
    bigbird213's Avatar
    bigbird213 Posts: 681, Reputation: 110
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    #19

    May 22, 2008, 04:50 AM
    I agree some men are pigs.

    So are some women.
    busymom's Avatar
    busymom Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #20

    May 22, 2008, 05:04 AM
    Some of you may be right in that there are underlying insecurities based on our schedules, etc. This other girl is not much to look at, and I am neither gorgeous nor an eye sore - just normal - and with 3 kids I still make every effort to keep myself put together (some days are better than others) - besides, I would hope that most men would have more dignity than to cheat just because a hot girl hit on him and his wife was home w/cold cream on her face wearing a bathrobe, etc.

    Just to clarify one thing: I did not ask or tell him to stop talking to the slut- I told him that I was not okay with it and that I felt it was inappropriate. He has told me on numerous occasions that he was not okay with me talking with other male friends or co-workers and has asked that out of respect for him as a husband I cut my ties. None of these people ever tried to sleep with me. We both agreed early on in our marriage that we would respect each other's opinions and/or feelings whether we understood or agreed with them or not (this is something that HE has brought up many times as something that we should always focus on). Is it that he wants me to respect his feelings but he only wants to respect mine if it's convenient for him?

    A side note - I do not think that ruining his career by making a scene with this girl constitues not having my priorities straight. It would be extremely selfish on my part to give her a piece of my mind, have my husband lose his job, not be able to pay the bills and so on.

    I really do know that I should move on - how can I do this when I still feel as though a disregard for my feelings is a slap in the face? The fact that he told me isn't helping, and knowing that nothing happened doesn't help much as his father had an affair and it ruined his childhood - nothing happened because he wouldn't cheat, period - however while this was going on he was looking for apartments and talking about separation (leaving me with a 6 year old, 3 year old and a 7 month old) so that he could act it out without the guilt. That's the rough patch we were going through.

    You guys are great for answering my many questions! Thank you so much!!

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