[CroCivic91]

I'd like to help my girlfriend find herself a hobby. We've talked about it, I asked her to explain to me what makes her happy in her life, and I've come to a conclusion that the only hobby she's really interested in is watching television.

Now I know that's, first of all, not healthy. She can lie in front of TV for 8+ hours a day (not every day, but hey... ). Whatever she has to do around the house, or I ask her to do it with me, she is not happy about it. For example, I can talk her into helping me with making a cake, but she'll pretty soon get kind of "pissed off" doing it... she'll eventually do everything she has to, but after that she'll just go lie in front of TV and be in a bad mood. If I ask her: "Let's make lunch together", and we make some pasta (which she likes eating) she'll be OK with it, will get just a tiny bit "pissed off" with it, and as soon as she eats it, she'll go lie in front of TV.

She told me she'd like to paint and draw. I bought her pencils and paper and a book about drawing, and she was into it for 2 days. After that, it's all about watching the telly. Since money here in Croatia doesn't grow on trees, and I'm a student who doesn't make money yet, I cannot afford spending a lot of money on painting equipment, just to have her understand she likes TV better after a couple of days.

Money seems to be my biggest problem. She'd like to do things that cost money: travel, learn how to pilot a plane, drive a motorcycle, horseback riding... All of that is just way out of my league right now.

If I try to talk her into going for a walk, or in a park, she'll often like TV better.

She said she'd like to grow plants, and we bought some equipment for that, and after 2 days of planting the seeds in the ground, she's already getting "pissed off" at the seeds not growing up.

Whatever I try to talk her into doing, she'll say she doesn't really like doing it. It's kind of getting on my nerves a little, so I'm turning to you with question:

How do I help her find a hobby which will take her away from the TV and make her a happier (and more cheerful) person?

[CaptainForest]

How do I help her find a hobby which will take her away from the TV and make her a happier (and more cheerful) person?

Why?

She enjoys watching TV, so what's the problem? Perhaps this really does interest her. That being said…

You say she likes to fly a plan, travel, ride a horse. You say you can't afford these things for her as you're only a student. What does she do? How about she gets a job?

You say she can watch TV for 8+ hours a day, so perhaps she should go get a job.


Perhaps she is depressed. Is she? Has something happened in her life to make her depressed?

[CroCivic91]

Why? Because it's not healthy watching the TV for that long, that's the main reason. Second reason is that she's dragging me into it, and I don't like it. I don't like watching TV at all. I may watch a movie every 2 days, or something, but I don't enjoy watching TV more than that. I'd like us to do other stuff together. I wouldn't mind going ice skating, horse back riding, going to the park, do some gardening, do some renovation, work out, work on my car, play cards, just about anything other than TV. But she seems to like TV better than anything I propose... and even she can't find what she'd rather do than watch TV.

She is also a student as me. We take same classes.

Current situation (her watching TV as much as she does) has started getting on my nerves in the last 2 weeks, and that's because we have a 1 month break from classes because we have exams, so she has more time to watch TV. Our classes start in about 1 week again, so we'll be back to classes, but I'd still like to know what to do when our next college break comes.

She is not depressed at all, she is even doing extremely well at college (she passed more exams than me this month).

To give you a bit more backup on why this is bothering me this much...
I have quite a busy schedule, giving tutoring lessons to other students, working on my Honda engine, doing a lot of programming for college... I don't get much time to hang out with her. I regularly take away some time I planned to use on working on stuff I WANT to do for myself (working on my engine, and learning something I'd like to learn (like a bit about "pattern recognition" and "artificial intelligence")) just to have a bit more time to hang out with her. And when I get to her place, she wants to watch TV which I do not like. That is what's getting on my nerves. I take away time from my activities to be with her and do stuff with her together, yet all she wants to do is something I don't want to do.

It may seem like I'm a bit*h here, but I'm not (I'm not saying she is either), because I'd enjoy pretty much doing ANYTHING else other than watching TV.

So, does this long post make any sense? Do you have any suggestions?

[fredg]

Hi,
I do understand where you're coming from.
You are a very active person. Is she interested in anything you do?
Can she, or would she, be willing to help you? Or be with you when you doing things you like to do? After being married for 29 yrs now, I find both my wife and I like doing things together. I fish, which she could care less, so I do that by myself. We have things we do like to do together.
There are other things we do together that I could really care less about, but it makes her happy that I am with her. That's what matters.
If your girlfriend doesn't like doing anything you like to do, and doesn't want to make an effort to please you, then there could be a problem with the relationship. Since she might like doing things that cost a lot of money, and is not happy with doing anything that doesn't cost money, it would seem her activities are based on money, and not on being happy with doing things with you that are not expensive.
Eventually, she will have to seriously think about her relationship with you, and where it's going. Does she really want to make you happy? A relationship is a two-way street; compromise is the key word.
Most of the time, a change in attitude must come from within a person themselves. They have to make the change. They can have opportunities offered to them by others to make choices, but they must make the choices for themselves. If your girlfriend doesn't want to change anything, it's going to be difficult.
I do wish you the best.

[CroCivic91]

Thanks Fred.

Well, she says she finds me working on my engine interesting, and she says she'd like to be able to do it too. I've been thinking about buying a small moped or something, and getting some parts and help her rebuild it, but it also requires money. She doesn't have a driver's licence (and taking tests to get one costs about 900$ here now), so she doesn't have a car that I could teach her how to rebuild.

She finds it interesting how I can make computer programs, and how they can be useful... however, I have to talk her (a lot) to try and make something on her own. I can't have her WANT to do it by herself. But it's interesting that she says it herself that she finds it interesting.

Once I was soldering something, and asked her if she'd like to give it a try. She has never soldered before, and she made a terrific job. It only goes to show she's got a lot of talent, but she's just not interested in pursuing anything on her own.

She does want to help me when I do something, but she's usually into it for a very short time (10-15 minutes) and then she has enough of it and she goes back to the telly.

I'm aware that relationships are all about compromise. I usually do things I couldn't care less about with her, but I'm just having too much of this TV thing. I really do not mind her watching TV on her own (as long as it's not too bad for her health), but I'd like her to do other things with me from time to time.

I'm just wondering what I can do to motivate her to find something she'd like to do.

Just for example... about 15-16 months ago, I knew ABSOLUTELY nothing about cars. I knew there were diesel driven cars, and petrol driven cars and that's about it. If you popped a hood in front of me, I couldn't point to the engine head. I knew NOTHING. I wanted to learn about it, I searched the web, read about Hondas, and today I'm not afraid to disassemble the whole engine down to the smallest bolt, replace worn out parts and assemble it again, I'm not afraid to swap engines, install power door locks (I just finished wiring them on my car today ;)), install alarms, stereos... it's all because I WANTED to learn it.

How can I ignite that "I want to learn about this" spark in her?

[31pumpkin]

CroCivic,

Sounds like you both need more $$, & someone needs a bit more exercise. You didn't say whether you loved this girl or not... b/c that would make a difference in my answer. I wish I could say I had a HOBBY when I was your age, but I only had interests. But because your studies keep you inside a lot, I think exercise is key.
Perhaps you could visit family or friends nearby? Or maybe make new friends so you have a change in your routine.

If you're that interested. You might try seeing what your girlfriend watches the most on TV & try using that to buy some books or music or crafts,etc.

I just think too much of anything's no good for anyone.

I'm just suggesting some things because you asked. Only you can tell what makes you happy.

This input is from a 53 y.o married woman from N.E. Florida, USA

Good Luck---- Keep us posted!

[CroCivic91]

Thanks pumpkin :D

You're right, if we had more money, we'd have so much more things to do... now I can barely finance my own hobbies.

We do work out, 3 times a week. We go to a local students gym and spend about an hour and a half there. I'm quite an active person and having to sit still for 6 months (due to mononucleosis) drove me nuts.

I do not really have a routine at this moment in life. I know I have to study, I know I want to work on my engine, and that's about it. There are a lot of little things that pop around every day, but I'm in no way in a routine.

By the way, I love this girl a lot. She is the 2nd girl in my life that I really love. I do not get in love easily.

I'd love to be able to buy books and stuff, because right now I know what she'd like. It's just that I cannot afford any of it right now.

But my real question would be: how can I motivate her in a way that she WANTS to learn about some things?

Today she told me she finds it hard to concentrate lately. I've asked her does she know what's the reason, and she said she has no idea. She says she finds herself just "hearing words" and not "understanding them" when I try to explain her something we have to learn for college... does that ring a bell to anyone?

[labman]

Are any of the international service clubs active in your area, Kiwanis, Lions, Rotary? I am sure there is much work to be done. Some chapters in some places are just a bunch of rich old men sitting around, but others are actively serving their communities and welcome anybody willing to help.

[CroCivic91]

Unfortunately, none that I've heard of. I've never even heard of Kiwanis and Lions, but I think there is Rotary in a city about 500 miles away.

I'll definitely look into this! Thanks for the idea.

[31pumpkin]

Hi Cro,

Saw that you are very serious about trying to motivate your GF, & trying to do that on anyone takes time & patience. Having difficulty concentrating & hearing "only words" suggests that she needs a medical checkup(b/c people can be anemic with those symptoms). Or with those symptoms, one could just be very distracted because they have something else on their mind most of the time.
You might want to talk to her regarding these things. Besides, motivation has a huge psychological component. Hard to do when one's mind is focused somewhere else or you are right out tired.

Hope that makes sense,
I'll be praying 4 U

[CroCivic91]

Hey pumpkin...

Yes, I am very serious. I really like this girl and would like her to be happy. I now know she'd like to go to a technical museum (she seems like she's not an average girl - she likes technical things :)) and to the place_where_you_watch_the_stars (I don't know the right word for this - "observatory" maybe? ). So we'll go there, see if anything interesting happens.

I also think that her bad mood and need to watch TV is somehow connected to the time when we have exams at college. She seems to be more in a bad mood and wants to watch TV more when we're having exams. Good thing is we don't have many more exams to pass, so I'll just bite my tongue and stick through it if that's all that's bothering her.

I will try coming up with a nice way to bring this topic up when we talk... I really don't want to piss her off more now when she's pissed off with studying.

Oh, and by the way, I'm quite a patient person, and I wouldn't mind this "motivation process" to take a year or something, but I'd just like some ideas on what I can do. I'm really almost fresh out of ideas.

Anyway, thanks for your input (and your prayers)... if you have any other ideas - do feel free to comment on them.

[fredg]

Hi,
You might have hit on something. I remember Exams, in college, and University studies; but many years ago!
Cramming for exams can be extremely "mind boggling", and mentally exhausting. Letting your mind "wander" while watching TV would certainly help with that, letting it go, and not really having to think much about anything.
I do know that Exams are more stressful for some than others.
Best of luck. and you do love this girl, and it shows. Stick by her, and I know things will get better after all this is over.

[31pumpkin]

Hi Cro,
I agree with everything fredg said.. An observatory it sounds like. My father took us to one & to the planetarium every yr. Still like that stuff, got an A.S. degree! but now husband threw out his telescope recently due to clutter! But don't let that stop you from having a good time together, that's what counts! I took after singer mother.. saw someone play guitar at camp at 14. Sought them ought to teach me all they knew in 1 week. took a few classical lessons. Firstborn fell on & smashed guitar.. Now, 2nd daughter bought a keyboard 7 yrs. Ago... we both enjoy playing ( I 'm a rusty singer now)
Now, this daughter is PC savvy. She's almost finished her Microsoft cert. tests. But she can do incredible things on her PC. Her $ is limited too but she does a lot of photography stuff. There's a* subject *here called Techn. On the Web.You might want to check it out. I can tell your girlfriend is not the domestically interested type so don't ask her to take up sewing! Anyway, got to go.. I r'cd the call today for the job I was holding out 4 for a month. Been nice being off for 4 months! (never bored) But duty calls! But please have fun together! Do u have to do everything with a goal in mind? Besides mtivation comes from the person inside. You're maybe trying to start from scratch. Not going to happen. Offer this person exposure to something interesting to them.
Try the technology subject. & the PC is endless with what one can accomplish
Getting late. C Ya - good luck again!

[CroCivic91]

It's me again... I'm having problems again.

So, my girl is being feeling down the past few weeks, and today I just couldn't stand it any more (we're back to being quiet for the whole day and just watching TV) and I started a conversation about it.

It seems like she is suffering from depression. In the past few days I can remember her agreeing to do something I proposed about 3 out of a million times I proposed something. She just can't find anything I propose interesting. The worst thing is - she doesn't know what she'd want to do herself. She agreed to go to the mountains with me for a few hours, bake muffins once (they turned out *delicious*, even though it was mostly me who made them) and go for a walk once.

I guess the thing that REALLY made her feel bad is the fact that today (in the morning) I got a job for which we both applied (Java coder).

She told me today she feels bad because she feels she's not the person for the jobs which we can get once we finish this university. She had to choose this university over the other one (in another city) because there was a war in my country recently, and her family lost EVERYTHING in that war, and they simply couldn't afford to pay her to go to university in another city. Now she feels very unsatisfied with this one and she cried today.

I tried to help her, but she started acting hostile towards me when I tried to help her (by talking). She said she never wants to have this conversation with me ever again. After that, she wouldn't talk to me for an hour and a half, and then I decided I'd go home.

I really cannot understand her acts, and this kind of behaviour on her side really hurts me. I truly do not know what to do from now on.

Can someone please give me any advice... I would truly appreciate ANY input on this.

[31pumpkin]

Hi Cro!

Nice to hear from you again. Sorry things are on depression mode but you, or anybody for that matter, cannot control the actions of another.
Sure your girlfriend is depressed. Who wouldn't be? Her family lost all their money in that war you said. She can't even afford a drivers license because it's that expensive there. Then YOU get the job and she doesn't... Oh come on now.. and to top it off... You still want about her to get a hobby?
Give yourself a break and let her WATCH T.V... She might watch something that would actually make her feel better!

Also, try to be understanding and supportive about getting another job. Nothing comes easy. And where you two are it's probably even harder. But don't give up hope! Just keep trying.

I'll be praying for you two. God Bless!

[giggles]

Hi Crocivic,
Ok I'm going just say what I think. Watching TV is like chewing gum, you do it, and a part of your brain just switches off - you don't have to think. The times I watch it the most are the times when I am the most stressed, and I use it to help relax my brain, to "veg out". If I rehearse for 8 or 9 hours six days a week, I'll watch a couple of hours of TV when I come home so I can tune out and declutter my head. But I know, as soon as I have some free time, I'd prefer to be doing other things.

On the other hand, I have a cousin who works a regular 9-5 job. She has no hobbies whatsoever, comes home and flops in front of the TV for the whole evening. At the weekends she goes out with friends and gets drunk. She seems not to have a passion for living in the here and now. Nothing seems to stimulate her. And while I have suspected she is not so happy, she seems to be. I can't answer for her. I just can't live like that. It's also really annoying to be around it. Maybe your girlfriend uses TV like I do, because of her stress, or maybe she uses it like my cousin. You will know. It's also very probable that she is slightly depressed, and uses TV to escape. If you ever sit down and watch five hours of TV, it's impossible to get up and do something!

Compromise: try one night a week with NO TV AT ALL! Whether you play cards, a board game, dance around the sitting room, have a fantastic sex session, it's up to you. But no TV. Go to a bar for a few drinks, or have friends over - it's about being social as much as being active. At this stage she is not used to having hobbies, so of course her attention will wear out after five minutes.

Does your university have clubs that you can join cheaply? Can you guys go for an evening jog and treat yourselves to a nicely cooked meal and a bath afterwards? You have to offer an alternative to the TV. Not a case of :"NO TV TONIGHT!" You have to suggest: Look, one night a week I want us to do "us" things, with no TV and here are some of the things I want us to do! (You should also make the first of these nights a complete treat for her: e.g. a massage evening. This way, it's not you nagging about the TV AGAIN in her ears.)

Keep us posted, and good luck x

[31pumpkin]

giggles:

Sorry if I offended you. I apologize. I shouldn't be so condescending. My bad. :(

[giggles]

Not at all! No offence taken. I think I didn't explain this too well though. I just meant sometimes I think my cousin should be more aware of what is happening around her and be aware of the here-and-now, ie: life. If we are more aware of what we are doing as we are doing it, we tend to be more proactive! If you sit and watch TV, you are not living in any sense of time. If I am learning lines, or cycling in to the city, I am very aware of what I am doing in each minute because I am absorbed in activity, and not just zoning out in front of a television set. What I meant by my comment was - it's easy to exist in a dreamlike/zombified state but you are not fully "present" and living in this moment. I don't mean you should just live for each moment, just that you should be aware of it.
Hope that makes more sense!

[31pumpkin]

Giggles, I think sometimes I forget my age. I'm 54 (oops!) and a semi-retired nurse. Even people of this age know the healthful benefits and maintaintence of exercise. My grandmother lived to be 96. My uncle said it was because she" moved "a lot.
I power- walk for exercise till my shin splints hurt, then I just do inside exercise. Anything that gets at least moderate toning results and makes me feel better physically & mentally. Usually after I stop though! I can concentrate on the "walking" at the same time enjoy some envigorating music( with headphones
On.)
When I was younger I was a dancer. I guess it depends on how much exercise is enough for you or me or anyone.

When I watch T.V. I usually do it "actively" Whether it's the news(happy hour) D.I.Y. or a movie. I can be" engaged". Makes me feel good, & I love it. I can say I play the guitar & keyboard to feel good too, but when it comes to T.V. or the Movies, I do anything but "veg out". Not to play on words but I might even eat candy!

I'm going to watch the results of American Idol for this week tonight. I'm so excited. I voted for one of the fellas because he sings so well and the song he sang last night... ewe... Leon Russell did it yrs. Ago.


I do have to get out more! I'm such a homebody! :)

[Chery]

Thanks Fred.

Well, she says she finds me working on my engine interesting, and she says she'd like to be able to do it too. I've been thinking about buying a small moped or something, and getting some parts and help her rebuild it, but it also requires money. She doesn't have a driver's licence (and taking tests to get one costs about 900$ here now), so she doesn't have a car that i could teach her how to rebuild.

She finds it interesting how i can make computer programs, and how they can be useful...however, i have to talk her (a lot) to try and make something on her own. I can't have her WANT to do it by herself. But it's interesting that she says it herself that she finds it interesting.

Once I was soldering something, and asked her if she'd like to give it a try. She has never soldered before, and she made a terrific job. It only goes to show she's got a lot of talent, but she's just not interested in pursuing anything on her own.

She does want to help me when i do something, but she's usually into it for a very short time (10-15 minutes) and then she has enough of it and she goes back to the telly.

I'm aware that relationships are all about compromise. I usually do things i could care less about with her, but i'm just having too much of this TV thing. I really do not mind her watching TV on her own (as long as it's not too bad for her health), but i'd like her to do other things with me from time to time.

I'm just wondering what i can do to motivate her to find something she'd like to do.

Just for example...about 15-16 months ago, i knew ABSOLUTELY nothing about cars. I knew there were diesel driven cars, and petrol driven cars and that's about it. If you popped a hood in front of me, i couldn't point to the engine head. I knew NOTHING. I wanted to learn about it, I searched the web, read about Hondas, and today i'm not afraid to disassemble the whole engine down to the smallest bolt, replace worn out parts and assemble it again, i'm not afraid to swap engines, install power door locks (i just finished wiring them on my car today ;)), install alarms, stereos...it's all because i WANTED to learn it.

How can i ignite that "I want to learn about this" spark in her?

Hi Cro... I've been reading these posts today, and I do realize and understand what you are trying to do. But, in this case, it's IMO, you wanting her to change, when she is not interested in changing. Even though she answers your questions as to what she would like to do when you attempt to get her interested in other things, she's just at this point got the feeling that you don't approve of anything she does, not matter what. Let me show you the other side:

You interrupted her TV by coaxing her to 'bake a cake', - she did not think of this herself, and really did not like you changing her preferences at that time.

You got her colors, - just because she mentioned drawing, you probably talked her to death about hobbies and other activities, now you get colors for her... - you are trying to lead her into what YOU think should be interests in her life, when she's not ready and/or willing to do them on her own. This intrusion feels like a parent who wants to control her time and activities to match what 'mom' wants.

You might not knowingly be doing this, but you just might give her the feeling of being inferior to you if she does not show the same interests or a better variety of interests as you do.

You said she is good in school, well let her stay that way - it seems she has to prove herself somewhere. And when at home, she feels the need to be distracted by 'another world' so to speak. This is a way of shutting off - let her do it or you will find that she's 'pissed' more often than you'd like.

This, IMO, is her way of seeking that space, knowing you don't like it much, but it's her space, and she needs it for no matter what reason.

Once she's ready to communicate the reason for this escape, be calm and listen, as I feel she's got a little bit bottled up and it will eventually burst.

Just because two people live together, it does not mean that they have to have the same interests or opinions. Give each other a chance to be the individuals you are, and share prime time together. Make the 'quantity' develop to 'quality' by giving her as much space as possible, even though you might want to spend all the time with her, studying, working on the car,etc. You just might be invading too much of her time/space,than she is subconsciously willing to give up.


I'm not saying you planned it this way, but it sounds as if you'd like to guide her out of what you feel, is a waste of her time. She might not think of it the way you do, so give yourself time, and think about it. And just because she finds things interesting - does not mean she wants to jump right in and do it...

Sorry to be so long-winded, but sometimes you guys like to think for us, and we are really capable to doing just fine, if left at least a little place to escape to once in a while.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

P.S. In my last relationship, I watched TV and worked on my PC in the same room, with headphones... while he was watching his news channels all the time (nothing but news 24 hrs, yuck!! ). We were in the same room, but in different 'spaces'. This did help the relationship until he thought I spent too much time on the PC. Well, that did it and now he's watching TV on his own, and eats TV dinners because I did all the cooking. So, there is a reason for everything...