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ronald1168 · May 16, 2008, 06:47 AM

I am married for about 10 years with a lovely wife, until a month ago we were OK however she complained that our relationship became boring.
Just three weeks ago I found out that she has an affair with a much older man, she is 30 and he is 54 years old. I am devastated and do not want to loose my wife, I try everything to get her back. She tells me that she needs time and will see in the future. We are still living together and she does not want to leave nor has asked me to leave. She says that she needs time. I agree now to this as I cannot persuade her to stop her affair. I know my wife still loves me.
What is going on, is she in midlife crisis, and can my approach work?
I want to rescue my marriage

incognito · May 16, 2008, 07:18 AM

If your wife REALLY loved you, she wouldn't be putting you through this pain.
She's choosing herself and this other man over you and your marriage with her.

450donn · May 16, 2008, 11:42 AM

I have to agree. She is being selfish at the very least. Next time she leaves to visit her other man, change the locks and put her stuff on the front lawn. When and if she is ready to accept that she is an adulteress then maybe, just maybe you can consider marriage counselling to work on the issues that sent her to another mans arms for sex.

sassyT · May 16, 2008, 01:15 PM

You need to be a man and be firm and tell her to leave if she continues to do what she is doing. I don't know why you are putting up with it. That is why she is walking all over you.

talaniman · May 16, 2008, 03:47 PM

She has to go, sorry for your loss. There can be no reconcilliation, until the adultry stops. Until the adultry stops, she is out of a place to stay. Maybe forever.

DoulaLC · May 16, 2008, 06:19 PM

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through... makes you think of the adage, "Having your cake, and eating it too". Only you can decide how much you are willing to put up with until she decides what she wants. Sure, it could be part of a midlife crisis... but consider this: marriage is a partnership that requires two participants who want what's best for each other... while you are trying everything to get her back, what is she doing to help your marriage? When you can honestly answer that question, you may see the situation in a new light and that can help you with your decisions on what you want to do next. Divorce doesn't have to be the first, or only, step... a separation may be in order until you and she decides whether the trust can be restored and the marriage can be rebuilt. Some people can do it... with much willingness on both party's parts... many can not. I wish you well... it is not an easy journey. Surround yourself with family and friends for support.

Fr_Chuck · May 16, 2008, 06:38 PM

She does not love you if she is still sleepoing with this other man. You are only fooling yourself because you can't bring yourself to admit it is over.
If she is not willing to stop, then she is not willing to make it work, So kick her out and go on with your life, Or at least make her make a choice, not making a choice and pretending it is not happening is not an answer.

talaniman · May 17, 2008, 04:16 AM

Sorry guy, there ain't that much love in the world, to be disrespected to that extent. Love yourself more than you love the marriage(?), or her.

liz28 · May 17, 2008, 06:03 PM

Some people goes through midlife crisia, but they don't sleep around especially when their married because they have respect for their married and let alone themselve. They doing it because they want to and you should not accept that. Most people will seek couseloring to help go through their midlife crisis and they only go throuh this because they think their life is over because they feel they are getting old ana close to death. My daughter father use to tell md when he turn 50 he going kill hisself because he thinks he would be getting old and think death would be around the corner.

Don't allow your wife to have affairs on you because it not right, I bet if you was doing it she would leave you.

You have 2 choices stay and accept it or leave. You choose!

Handyman2007 · May 17, 2008, 08:00 PM

You need to free yourself of this woman. She is only thinking of her feelings. If you should ever be able to make love to her again,think about another man being where you are. Do you like that feeling? Probably not. Divorce her and get on with your life. Once a cheater-always a cheater.

igman · May 28, 2008, 03:18 PM

Yes, the very act of adultery is saturated with selfishness. Anyone doing it is undoubtedly putting their wants ahead of everything else. I agree that it is up to you to determine how much you will put up with. I am not saying that your marriage has to end, but you need to maintian a level of self-respect. I wish that I had put my foot down with my wife because when I became aware of her affair, it seemed as if it was a relief for her. She also continued it as didn't necessarily hide it. I think that if I had told her to move out or if I left and took the kids with me it would have been a wake-up call. Also, this guy is much older and knows exactly what to say to her to entice her... be strong, go to counseling and good luck.

sandra6 · May 28, 2008, 03:44 PM

Hi I agree with what people have said but it will be very hard for you as you have been married to her for so long. I think even if she stopped the affair your relationship would never be same as she is making excuses about how life is with you. Not only that you would never trust her again. You would be beside yourself with worry and suspicion. Is it worth that. She may still love you but this man is something new and different. I'm sorry but I'm 32 and if I was truly happy I would not of done that. You can't carry on living together she is rubbing you nose in it and walking all over you. Sorry mate.

igman · May 28, 2008, 04:22 PM

Sandra, to a degree, you are correct... the relationship will NOT be the same.Yes, there will be worry and suspicion. I agree , she is flaunting it and I would have none of that either.

sandra6 · May 28, 2008, 04:25 PM

I hope I'm not sounding like a cow but you need to make a decision on what you going to do. Have you got any children? I'm sorry for what happened to you igman it is not easy for any relationship to determin what happens after someone has an affair. Every relationship I've had has always cheated on me. It is very difficult to carry on without that person in your life. But you get there in the end.

igman · May 29, 2008, 08:40 AM

Sandra, you don't sound like a cow at all ! You are right... after an affair, the relationship can go in a million different directions... a lot of factors are involved. Ronald, you have to decide what you are willing to do/endure and then figure out a course of action. Keep in mind that this is just the beginning.If she is truly sorry and wants to make your marriage right, that is only the BEGINNING. It has been 10 years for me and the pain is still there. Sandra, thank you for your sympathy... you are a class act.

sandra6 · May 29, 2008, 03:53 PM

She is says about we will see in the furture well I'm sorry but how long will that be, two weeks, two years. I 'm sorry but she is pulling you along like a dog. Really sorry if that sounded bad. Thank you talaiman and igman for you comments. Igman I hope the pain goes away for you soon you sound a decent person where you need some real loving from someone more special . Ronald please yourself and feelings first and not her. As peple look after number 1 and that's you.

sandra6 · May 29, 2008, 04:03 PM

She she saying we will see in the future, but I'm sorry howl ong is that going to be two weeks, two years when? I'm sorry but she is pulling you along like a dog. I'm sorry is that sounded really bad. Ronald you should put yourself and your feelings first and think of yourself. She is being selfish so why should you. How long are you prepared to wait.To me is sounds it will be along time. As people say think of number 1 which is you. Thank you Talaiman and igman for you comments. Igman I hope you pain goes away soon you sound a decent man and you need the love of someone really special. I hope you find it soon.

maiwest · Jun 2, 2008, 03:55 AM

Originally Posted by ronald1168

I am married for about 10 years with a lovely wife, untill a month ago we were ok however she complained that our relationship became boring.
Just three weeks ago i found out that she has an affair with a much older man, she is 30 and he is 54 years old. I am devasted and do not want to loose my wife, i try everything to get her back. She tells me that she needs time and will see in the future. We are still living together and she does not want to leave nor has asked me to leave. She says that she needs time. I agree now to this as i cannot pursuade her to stop her affair. I know my wife still loves me.
What is going on, is she in midlife crisis, and can my approach work?
I want to rescue my marriage

Have a heart to heart talk with your wife. Ask her why she did it and why she continues that affair.