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carrie197925 · May 15, 2008, 11:12 AM

Well Im pretty sure I know the answer but I feel like Im about to break down. I have dealt with depression and other Psychotic Disorders from the age of 13yrs old. Im 28 yrs now. I felt like that I didn't have a problem. At the time I was a Santanist and that the problems where stemming form that. Well I stopped that behavior 8 yrs ago and resently this problems are coming back. Im no longer a Satanist and Im still having these problems so I was wrong about that assumption. I have 2 Kids now and Im in a relationship with a older man who's a great fianical provider but that's it. Emontional he s not there for me. Hes my world but its not the same. As for my kids there just being 3 and 4 yrs old and I love them dearly but they even put me in the mood that Im so depressed. I have bad angry out burst with my fiancé and my childern. And I just sit and entertain the idea when I was a chilld sitting in those hspitals all drugged up and no where to go... I wish someone would responed and tell me what they think...

concerned11 · May 15, 2008, 11:32 AM

Have you tried talking to a professional about your depression? Having kids that close in age is tough and I know how it can wear you down. I have 2 kids ages 4 and 2 yrs and it is normal to have some frustration but if you get severely depressed I would talk to someone. Good luck to you and I hope your situation gets better.

carrie197925 · May 15, 2008, 12:02 PM

Thank you concerned 11,
No I haven't talked to a councler. At this moment I'm a stay at home mom sort of. What I mean is that my kids are in daycare, and I'm giong to school to get my ged and hopefully start college in August. Im not working so that's why I haven't talked to a councler. I have no one to talk to but my 3 and 4 yr old. My Fiancé is a truck driver and half the time comes home on the weekend. I don't understand why some things never go away even if you have a belief in GOD. Thank you for the concern though. If you know of any things that might help at this moment I will sure take it into consideration before I lose it

peggyhill · May 15, 2008, 12:41 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. It must be tough for you with two young kids and a husband who can't be at home all the time. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate with kids, ged classes, etc. I think that's great that you are going to college, so good for you!

If you don't have the money to pay a counselor, there might be some other options for you. Is there a family member, close friend, or minister that you could talk with? Often ministers (or other religious/community leaders) will be glad to sit down and talk with you if you're having a hard time; they can also be a good source of information about resources in your community that could help you.

If you don't have anyone like that whom you can talk to, you could ask your doctor if there are any programs that might provide financial assistance to you for counseling. (If you don't have health insurance, you can go to a clinic for the uninsured and ask them to refer you to someone. If you look in the newspaper, online, or check with your health department, you can probably find one in your area. Health care is either free or offered on a sliding fee scale based on your income and what you can afford.) There might also be support groups for people dealing with depression.

I hope you feel better soon!

concerned11 · May 16, 2008, 06:42 AM

Well congrats on working toward your GED! I understand about only having your kids to talk to.. I stay at home with mine and my husband is in the military so his hours are pretty long. People need the adult conversation in order to keep a hint of sanity! I sure hope that once you get into college that you are able to meet people who can relate to you and hopefully that will bring the frustration down, you know? And just like Peggyhill said, if you have a regular Dr. that you see you could always talk to them! I really do hope things work out for you!!

Illusion · May 17, 2008, 12:55 AM

Oh dear one - you have been through a lot and I commend you for it. Let me tell you what I think. I have had to work on myself because I was traumatized over things that hurt me very badly when I was young. Therapy is an option for you, of course - so that you can find out what happened, what was said, who did what, how it all affected you. Therapy can be good for us to find out what went wrong - and also to learn to identify this is how I feel - and felt - and this is what I think - and thought. It can be a learning experience.

However, even if you go through therapy there is something that we must do to be able to move on - and it is this - you are alive today, yes - you have survived all the misery and pain, all those that hurt you - you are a lot stronger than you think. We have to put the past into the past - this is what you survived - this is what happened then - it is over (acknowledging today, the current reality). Sure you remember - and sometimes like it was yesterday - but this is what you lived through and it is over. And believe me, saying good-bye to the past is not easy you know. You just cry and remember, this is how much it hurt me. It hurts also because it cannot be changed - and darn it, if you could you would not have gone through all the mess you survived. Yes it was hard, yes it hurt.

Along with this is the disappointment that the support you needed was not there - and anger - because we are people and the expectation is that the people that are supposed to care for us - the very people that are supposed to say - I'm here for you - were not there for whatever reason. Sure you are angry and rightly so.

Once you understand what happened, why, (the acknowledgement of you and your pain) then you can begin to put things into perspective (affirming that these life experiences that hurt you so much - are over, you survived). This is not easy because the shock and astonishment over what happened, what someone did - what you went through has to be talked about and the feelings of anger are there and again, rightly so. This is the time when we begin to talk about things in the past tense, to begin to use the past tense when we discuss the past. There is a conclusion to this and it is this - the conclusion is that you say good-bye to the past - you will always remember, yes - but you can release the past, you can let it go.

So like I was saying, we grieve for ourselves, and we grieve to let the past go. And then at the same time, we begin to do healing work on me. Who am I, what are my strengths, what do I like about myself, - pretty soon you find - hey I like this. I am learning about myself, finding out who I am, - I am strong and funny, I am talkative, I am gentle.

And because you go through these phases of healing does not mean - that hey now I am flying to the stars. No, there are times you just have to lay on the floor and cry (like me). And yeah, I realize I needed to do that because I was just thinking about so and so and what happened.

You have so much to live for and so much meaning with your children. You have so much to share with others and especially with your children. You know what suffering is all about. Now you need to do some work on yourself. So think about - maybe individual therapy, group therapy, reading - especially anything that is inspirational and focuses on you.

I wrote the other day, I have been listening to this man, Lazaris, and some of his tapes (well cd's on some). He has a website and is very moving about sharing some of his ideas on healing and other subjects. When you listen to his voice - I think he is an Irish man, or Welsh - he is wonderful to listen to. Prayer would be very healing for you also, you might want to check out this small book, Prayer by Ernest Holmes (one of my favorites).

I will think of you and send you lovely thoughts. Take care.