[ahbao]

There is one girl and guy that love each other very much, that had been together for more than one year already. During this period, they encountered different kind of obstacles that were trying to end up their relationship, when the obstacles comes, there is several times that the girl wanted to give up in this relationship, that was perhaps she was too young or doesn’t had much experience and was unsure. There are about more than 5 times, whenever, the girl wanted to breakup with the guy, the guy kept silent and felt upset, he didn’t want to break up, however, they stay together until now, girl realized she is right, and he is really a good man, guy still loves girl very much. One day, guy tells girl that, can she be his sister, since he is the only child at home, girl hurt so much, cause she really loves the guy that she doesn’t want to loose him,not just want him to be his brother. Girl told the guy, but guy said, he would love her very very much, cause he really love the girl, as for him, he would love his sister very much if he had one. However, they talked and come to a conclusion that, not to be brother and sister, now guy alsso won't ask girl be his sister. Few days after that night, guy asked girl, does she love him, you know the answer, girl really love him, girl also ask him back and had the same answer. Since they had been together, guy and girl never hold hands in the public, girl had ask guy several of time why. And talked about it, there are lame reasons like as for catholic, they can't hold hands until they are married;he feels more free to walk by himself cause he grew up alone and so on. Today, guy told her the real reason that he had kept inside the hurt for more than one year. He told her “ everytime he was about to hold her palm, there is something in his heart that pull himself back off.” Since then, guy began to doubt does he really like her anymore, like before. Guy found out that there is two person in himself. He told that, in this mind, he really like the girl, even though she had hurt him by wanted to give up in the relationship for several times. Guy still loves her, and don’t really care about her mistakes, but what is inside the heart of guy is that, the heart doesn’t follow what is in his mind. Guy doesn’t know what to do. Guy tried so hard to let his heart follow what is in his mind. But until today heart doesn’t change. Guy doesn’t know what to do cause he knows that she is great, she is the only girl that treat himself best after his mom,she is the most understable girl to himself. She is a lot better than before, she never behave like before anymore. What happened? Is there a wound in his heart that stays forever ? Can't he get it over?does anyone has any opinion? I am sorry for the long story,and my poor English, and thank you for following me till the end of the story.I hope that you can understand my message. Please help and give some opinion. I would so much appreciate any responses.

[fredg]

Hi,
It's over!
It is really hard to accept the fact that a relationship can be over. She wants time; time to think and look at the relationship. She may not be in love with the guy anymore, and now wants to move on.
It took me a year to get over someone when I was about 20 yrs old. I am now 64.
It will take you some time. Meeting and talking with other girls always helps, but it will be hard at first. I do wish you the best of luck.
PS; It's hard to be "just a friend" with someone you love. Better to make a complete break.

[ahbao]

... the girl still loves the guy , very sure.. she doesn't want to loose him anymore..

[fredg]

HI,
If she doesn't want to lose him anymore, then what's the problem?
Keep the relationship going, on a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
If the girl still wants to be just a "sister", then it's time for the guy to move on. It will not work out.
This guy hasn't had much experience with girls, since it seems this is really his first girlfriend. There will be many, many more girlfriends... believe me.

[Chery]

I'm not sure, but this sounds suspicious to me in many ways:

1. Maybe it's an ethics problem
2. Maybe he has been thinking of and alternative sexuality issue about himself and is not sure yet.
3. Just saying there 'might be' two people inside is certainly not helping her to let go and make a choice on how to go on with her own life. Not even giving her a chance to understand and choose to stay friends or not - this is not respectful.

So, he should not expect her to act the way she used to, since he has brought the change into her life and has given her a lot to think about and wonder. As far as the holding hands issue - even good friends can hold hands in public - the only time this is prevented is when the other person has something to hide from others and does not want to get 'caught', so be honest and respectful if you have any feelings for the young lady at all.

Life is too short to play games and lie - you need to deal with things to be able to look in the mirror. Also, try putting yourself in the other person's shoes and see if you like the feeling.

[ahbao]

HI,
If she doesn't want to lose him anymore, then what's the problem?
Keep the relationship going, on a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
If the girl still wants to be just a "sister", then it's time for the guy to move on. It will not work out.
This guy hasn't had much experience with girls, since it seems this is really his first girlfriend. There will be many, many more girlfriends....believe me.

Hi Fredg,
Its actually, the girl doesn't want to loose him but the guy, he is unsure of himself, he said that there're 2 person in himself, one loves the girl and make him wants her, but the heart is the opposite one. He himself don't understand what is the problem, he wants the girl but his heart is not following it. The girl definitely doesn't want to herself to be his sister cause she wants more than that.

[ahbao]

[QUOTE=Chery]I'm not sure, but this sounds suspicious to me in many ways:

3. Just saying there 'might be' two people inside is certainly not helping her to let go and make a choice on how to go on with her own life. Not even giving her a chance to understand and choose to stay friends or not - this is not respectful.

QUOTE]

Cherry, you're right, it doesn't help me at all. Not I am not sure to move on or not. He said that he still loves me and wants to be with me, but his heart is not following himself. He can't hold my hand like others guy hold their girlfriend, I don't get it why. But he still treats me very good and wants to keep our relationship like before. What does it mean, whena guy feel empty after he did something intimate with his girlfriend?

[Chery]

Dear ahbao - it's a hugh world and it takes all kinds of people. Maybe he just did not experience the public closeness while growing up and/or feels repulsed somehow.

But, if he loves you, he will have to do some changing and not just expect you to do all of the adapting in the relationship. Tell him, if you can at all, that you need time, and then stay a weekend away from him to give him a chance to reflect on how much he values you and misses you. When you next get a chance to talk, tell him your needs and ask him if he is willing to talk about them openly and show his willingness to change.

If he is set in his ways and not willing to do anything about it, you'd probably be better off without him because I think you are the type that needs closeness and the cuddling on the couch in the evenings - and you should not do without this for anyone.

A sound relationship is sharing, caring, and trusting - in all aspects. He needs to understand this and be willing to work on it to deserve you.

Again, good luck and keep us posted.


As an old song states - it takes two!

[Chery]

I know a guy who has been married before, has a child, and thought he was in love with someone who helped him stop drinking too much, understood him better than his mom, was the best thing in the world for him, made him feel better than any other woman before in his life.

She accidentally got pregnant because he swore he was sterile, but proved not to be, and now he's running away from the relationship, telling her all the time that she did nothing wrong, that he's a jerk and is sorry that he's put her through this (she even offered to abort the baby and he said no, that he wanted this relationship). A month later, he dropped the bomb and said he wanted out and by then, it was too late to abort - and it's not the baby's fault. Well, is this doing her any good, or the baby? NO - and he saying he's a jerk without seeking professional help and going on with his life (said he wanted to be alone) after practically ruining her's is not the nicest thing in the world to do.

So, you see, it's hard to understand people sometimes, and if they don't seek help in trying to understand themselves, how can they expect you to understand them.

This will only drive you crazy if you don't set an ultimatum for him to prove that he means what he says when he says he loves you - and he has to be willing to change for you too. If not - there are others out there that DO deserve you just the way you are.

It might hurt, but tell him he can have you on YOUR terms, or not to let the door hit him on the way out.

[ahbao]

Thanks Cherry, what you said is so right... sometimes when I try to talk about it,he just didn't really want to talk of it. But I 'll talk to him again.

"Maybe he just did not experience the public closeness while growing up and/or feels repulsed somehow. "-Chery

He is the only son at home and had really a lonely childhood,his parents are busy people, he was always the only one staying at home studying and doing sstuff by himself last time. He didn't mix good with people. And he told me his parents never hold his palm before when he was young, they only hold his upper arm when crossing road or etc... and he never know how to take care of people cause he didn't experience it at all, only after he knew me, he told that I had taught him a lot... yeah, its hard to understand people... sigh*

[Chery]

Yes, sigh! But even if you are able to try and figure him out, you will be letting him lean on you and he will use you for that crutch he needs - and that should be done by a professional. We all have our little problems past and present, but we should not dump it on others in our private lives. I am in the therapy profession now, but will not work with family members or friends - that's a no-no. So still set him an ultimatum - it will do you both good. You will feel better and have less stress, and he will learn to get to know himself and maybe be capable of growing close to someone in his life without using them as crutches.

Again, good luck.

[ahbao]

thank you Chery... =)