[aw1973]

I'm a 35 year old woman and I've never had sex.
But I think I need to tell you more about me to understand how this has happened.
I was close to having sex a couple of times, but not for the past 8 years, as I haven't had a relationship since.
My first sexual encounter was when I was 13. My 18 year old neighbour pushed me into a corner and touched me inappropriately. I was able to run away after a while. Then my mother's boyfriend tried to touch me - again I was able to push him away.
When I was 15 I was very confident about my look and I got a lot of attention from boys/men. That's when I fell in love and seriously thought about having sex. But the young man I fell in love with died suddenly due to an accident.
I started gaining weight and became less confident about my appearance. Although people tell me I'm pretty, I'm pretty fat and my body has been ruined by the weight losses and gains over the years. I don't feel very attractive, although in some ways I'm very aware of my sexuality, e.g. I know that men like my breasts. A friend of mine told me recently that I appear very confident and that I ooze sexuality.
Inside me, it's all different. I don't know how to approach men. As soon as I feel that they want more, I get uncomfortable. I'm afraid they will find me unattractive when they touch me at certain wobbly places or I get insecure, because I'm not experienced.
I've never touched a penis, because I thought I'm going to do it wrong.
I don't think I'm frigid, because I fantasize about sex a lot and orgasm when I masturbate.
So what's really my question? Well, first of all, am I the only one out there in a similar situation?
Is this normal? What should I do? I do want to meet a special person and I want to have a fulfilled sex life. What do men think about a woman like me?

[progunr]

You are not alone, and your situation is not hopeless.

While I have similar reasons to some of yours, and some not so similar, I was older than you when I lost mine, and I'm a guy.

As far as what do guys think about "a woman like you", well, until a guy gets to know you, he doesn't think anything. What he thinks will be determined when he does get to know you. It is not always about sex either, when it comes right down to it, it is a small portion of what it takes to have a happy relationship.

You just have to have some confidence, and you have to do something to put yourself in the position to meet people. Be brave, be confident, take the time to get to know someone who is not looking to jump right into bed with you, and things will work out eventually.

[aw1973]

You are not alone, and your situation is not hopeless.

While I have similar reasons to some of yours, and some not so similar, I was older than you when I lost mine, and I'm a guy.

As far as what do guys think about "a woman like you", well, until a guy gets to know you, he doesn't think anything. What he thinks will be determined when he does get to know you. It is not always about sex either, when it comes right down to it, it is a small portion of what it takes to have a happy relationship.

You just have to have some confidence, and you have to do something to put yourself in the position to meet people. Be brave, be confident, take the time to get to know someone who is not looking to jump right into bed with you, and things will work out eventually.

Thanks. I'm open for any opionions. I guess the main problem is that I'm not out there and meeting people. I go out with friends, but I guess I'm not open to meet men.
It always seems that the wrong guys approach me and they often revolt me. I really hope that there's a decent man out there who has a bit of patience.

[Bluerose]

aw1973,

You put that across very well. And I agree with progunr, you are not alone. I'm on other boards too where people ask questions, and you would be surprised how often questions like yours come up.

So we get a bit older and we put on some weight. I have seen some lovely looking bigger women and I have seen some scrawny skinny women. If you take care of yourself, dress nice and can smile, then your no where near as bad off as you imagine.

From what I've learned the only way to find a guy is to get out as often as you can, just be out there. The percentages of you finding a guy go up the more you get out. Get out everywhere, pubs and clubs, join groups, book to go on bus runs, visit the library, coffee shop, try to have a regular place to go for lunch so that if there is someone beginning to notice, they can build up the courage to approach you.

As for the getting close bit, work at the friendship thing first. Give him a chance to get to know you for yourself. And if things seem to be moving too quickly just say so, ask if it would be okay to take things a bit slower.

Finally, refuse point blank to worry about it anymore. Be yourself, get out and have some fun. And don't take anything too seriously. I wish you well.

[aw1973]

aw1973,

You put that across very well. And I agree with progunr, you are not alone. I'm on other boards too where people ask questions, and you would be surprised how often questions like yours come up.

So we get a bit older and we put on some weight. I have seen some lovely looking bigger women and I have seen some scrawny skinny women. If you take care of yourself, dress nice and can smile, then your no where near as bad off as you imagine.

From what I've learned the only way to find a guy is to get out as often as you can, just be out there. The percentages of you finding a guy go up the more you get out. Get out everywhere, pubs and clubs, join groups, book to go on bus runs, visit the library, coffee shop, try to have a regular place to go for lunch so that if there is someone beginning to notice, they can build up the courage to approach you.

As for the getting close bit, work at the friendship thing first. Give him a chance to get to know you for yourself. And if things seem to be moving too quickly just say so, ask if it would be okay to take things a bit slower.

Finally, refuse point blank to worry about it anymore. Be yourself, get out and have some fun. And don't take anything too seriously. I wish you well.

Thank you bluerose for your kind answer.
I'll do my best to get out there more often! I believe a big problem is that I send out the wrong signals. I don't know why, but it seems men think that I'm sexually available, although that's definitely not the message I want to send. Maybe it's because I'm sexually frustrated and all my hormones are flying around ;-) And of course if men approach me in that way I get frightened.

[GUYBRUSH]

Thanks. I'm open for any opionions. I guess the main problem is that I'm not out there and meeting people. I go out with friends, but I guess I'm not open to meet men.
It always seems that the wrong guys approach me and they often revolt me. I really hope that there's a decent man out there who has a bit of patience.

Humm I'm kind of in your same boat give me an example of something you would find revolting?

[aw1973]

GUYBRUSH.
What revolts me is when men take a smile or talking to them as an invitation to being way too forward. Let's say I'm in a bar and a man approaches me and we start to talk. Some of them are nice in the beginning and as soon as I start to relax they sometimes offer me casual sex or make crude remarks.
Or even when I'm on the dance floor and suddenly a man is getting far too close. Why can they not be more subtle or even a little bit charming? Why always staring at my boobs in such an obvious way that it's just ridiculous.
I have a good sense of humour and I don't mind rude jokes at all. But that's not the way to meet someone, isn't it? A good friend can say to me that my boobs are great or that I'm hot, but not shortly after we met?
Am I old fashioned or stuck up?

[simoneaugie]

It sounds as if you are one of those women who ooze sexuality whether a virgin or not (a wonderful asset.) If the guys that try to get close to you aren't your type, relax, you are attractive to men. Meeting the right ones means getting out there and talking to them.

Being a virgin is not a factor. Once you have touched a penis you will still have a lot to learn, fun learning. Quit thinking about it. You are human, and that's enough.

Since you attract men, remember that the ones who approach you are not necessarily the one's you would choose. Find the guy who is looking at you, but not trying to climb into your good graces by getting in your face. Approach him.

[GUYBRUSH]

GUYBRUSH.
What revolts me is when men take a smile or talking to them as an invitation to being way too forward. Let's say I'm in a bar and a man approaches me and we start to talk. Some of them are nice in the beginning and as soon as I start to relax they sometimes offer me casual sex or make crude remarks.
Or even when I'm on the dance floor and suddenly a man is getting far too close. Why can they not be more subtle or even a little bit charming? Why always staring at my boobs in such an obvious way that it's just ridiculous.
I have a good sense of humour and I don't mind rude jokes at all. But that's not the way to meet someone, isn't it? A good friend can say to me that my boobs are great or that I'm hot, but not shortly after we met?
Am I old fashioned or stuck up?

I think that it might be the alcoholic talking when there being to rude my advice would to try to meet people at different places other then the bar or place's where alcoholic is the main source of revenue try the gym. I don't know its mosty up to you at this point it seem's to me. Good luck thought peace.

[Bluerose]

I would like to add something that might help. Try putting yourself in a different frame of mind. You might be being too friendly because you want them to like you. They might be reading this wrong. Try putting yourself more in charge. If they start to come out with rude or smutty remarks, back off a little by ignoring them for a bit. They should get the message that that is not the way to go. Guys will try it on, especially when they have had a drink. You have to be firm and put them in their place.

This might be a bit harsh but if you can take it why not ask a good friend what she thinks you are doing wrong. Other people can see more of that side of us than we can. We could be doing something quite off-putting and not even realise it. If you have a good friend and you are not afraid of a few home truths then ask for her help in pinpointing a couple of the more obvious things that you could tone down on perhaps.

All said and done we get treated how we expect to be treated. See yourself as a person who will be treated with respect. Make some rules about what you will and will not put up with. You can laugh and have fun but have some boundaries too. And maybe once the guys at the bar or wherever get to know you a bit better, one of them will begin to stand out and that is the one who has been watching you stand up for yourself and likes what he sees.

[Choux]

I would just like to say that I get the vibe that you are of two minds. On one hand, you appear sexy to men and desirable(which you put forth! ), and on the other hand, on the inside you are innocent and probably fearful of intimate relations. Am I right?

So, I think you have to seek to become of one mind about sex and men! There is the direction toward real adult sexuality. :)

Really best wishes in 2008.

[KISS]

This is an interesting thread. I'd ike to suggest taking a college course, like one entitled "Foundations of Human Sexuality".

The course can be a lot of fun and a good learning experience.