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Andrea111 · May 7, 2008, 09:06 AM

Hi I'm hoping someone has an advice on how to forgive my husband. Well I searched the history in our computer and he was on my space, he had one of his ex girlfriends as a friend and he searched for about 8 more of his exgirlfriends though he didn't reach the other 8. He kept in touch with her for about 4 months, they both say they were just saying hi but at this point I don't believe them. He hasn't used the computer ever since, and he did apologize and begged me not to leave. I stayed but I can't get it out of my mind. I feel that he wants to have fun as a single man. We've been married for 11 years and I don't want to end my marriage but I can't let go and I have tried.

N0help4u · May 7, 2008, 09:40 AM

I wouldn't give up on him so easily. Many people are just curious about where others they have known in their past are up to and how things are going for them. If you don't suspect him of meeting her I would let it go until I had some concrete red flags. Some people are able to keep guy/girl relationships as nothing more than friendship. Give him the benefit of the doubt until you actually know it is something more than myspace friend.

JBeaucaire · May 7, 2008, 10:47 AM

In your situation, I would be more focused on rekindling the fun in your relationship. 11 Years is a long time, I've been married 23 years and I can say that keeping the fun alive is probably the key to keeping the wolves at bay. Boredom is the worst wolf of all and can lead to bad wolf behavior, as you've discovered.

First, if you can't forgive him, that problem is with you. Forgiveness is not only a required marital skill, it is a DEFENSE in marriage. You forgive because doing so protects you and him from the false sins that follow in the wake of the real sins. He did what he did. He apologized and asked you to forgive him, you need to not only forgive him, you need to TELL him you forgive him and empower him to remind you of that.

BTW, you did PROMISE when you got married that would forgive him. Just like he promised you. When you promised to "forsake all others" that included yourself. You are cleaving to him and that requires a clear heart of forgiveness.

While you're working on that, you distract yourself. What are the things you two do each week just for the two of you? The fun stuff? There needs to be some absolutely identifiable short list of activities that occur for no other reason than your own silly fun. Karaoke Night? Line Dancing? Game Night with friends?

Next are the short list of "soon and coming" events...the things you two are talking about doing in the next 4-8 weeks that are rare and create anticipation in your lives. Weekend trip to Vegas? Overnight to the coast to see a play? Visit timeshares (never to buy, for the free resort stay and DVD player)? Boat Dinner Cruise in the Harbor?

Last, the short list of BIG events, the things you work towards for up to a year getting ready to do. 7-day Mexican Riviera Cruise? Hawaiian getaway? 5 days river trip down the Colorado? Week on Broadway & Times Square, NY? DisneyWorld/Epcot/MGM?

Your calendar MUST MUST MUST include things like this. If it doesn't, the bored wolf has nothing at all to distract his wolfish ways. You need it to. It builds into your behaviors some specific bonding rituals centered around accomplishing these things together. The events themselves are OK, but the anticipation makes a marriage.

And OOOOOOOOH the stories that result. You WANT to become one of those boring couples with a 1000 stories of places you've been, things you've done, and all the crap that went wrong... that's funny stuff! Vacations going awry are considered by some psychologists as the "glue" that holds families together for decades. Believe it or not. Camping is the #1 source of great "this went wrong" stories.

I know it sounds like I'm not addressing your problem at all, but I am. You two need to get your "it" back. It's really hard to forgive when there's nothing else on your agenda but thinking about the sins. Put something else on the agenda, something to look forward to.

It's really hard to keep from sinning when you're bored... same solution. And this is the kind of life married people SHOULD be having, else you are simply passing through the days in an endless routine that would push the most faithful man into wolfish sins.

Good luck. Think about, come up with some ideas, make them happen.

JBeaucaire · May 8, 2008, 03:37 PM

I feel that he wants to have fun as a single man.

Close, very close. He wants to have fun period! There should be no other way to describe life with you other than starting with the word "fun". That takes effort. Oh, it is SOOO worth that effort.

Handyman2007 · May 8, 2008, 05:32 PM

I find it disturbing that when a person is curious about people from their past, their "partners" get all insecure and stuff. You have to remember that he had lives and time with those people. Should we all just bury our pasts whether they were good or not? I have several "girlfriends' from my past in my life. I have had a couple of them here in my life for over 30 years. We are close friends but that is it. Never has a spouse denied me of my friendships. He is your husband. Apparently you "guilted" him into stopping contact with these people. That could backfire on you. If he is there WITH YOU , all of the time, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Rachel005 · Jan 21, 2009, 10:23 PM

He already had her once and I mean apparently he wants her again. I know its really hard for you but he already did it once what makes you believe he won't do it again.

Rachel005 · Jan 21, 2009, 10:28 PM

Don't pay attention to what I said I thought you said cheating instead of chatting. Wow I'm sorry.
My boyfriend talked to his ex as well. We had a huge argument about it.
It was text messageing but for me it felt like cheating it hurt like someone stabbed me in the heart once I seen them cause he even said he'd try finding time to hang out.
He said he just said that to make her stop asking but it still hurt that he said it and talked to her just tell him how much it bothered you that he did that.
That's what I did and he's done with her. He got his number changed and deleted her number and it got all better from there.

Andrea111 · Jan 22, 2009, 09:48 AM

Thank You Rachel you know it's been a year since that happened and we are getting by. The problem I have is that I don't trust him because of that. Let me tell you that's a problem for me really not for him he has been trying to be a good husband.

JBeaucaire · Jan 22, 2009, 11:50 AM

Originally Posted by Andrea111

Thank You Rachel you know it's been a year since that happened and we are getting by. The problem I have is that I don't trust him because of that. Let me tell you that's a problem for me really not for him he has been trying to be a good husband.

Trust is important, but since you're married, it's no longer tantamount. What's tantamount is reliability and accountability.

Since he's broken the trust, you need to just keep him informed on your needs regarding accountability. He needs to respect those needs.

Meanwhile you need to respect his reliability and reward that mainly.

Let the trust issue take care of itself over time, don't focus on it. Take care.

learnintolikeme · Jan 26, 2009, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by Handyman2007

I find it disturbing that when a person is curious about people from their past, their "partners" get all insecure and stuff. You have to remember that he had lives and time with those people. Should we all just bury our pasts whether or not they were good or not? I have several "girlfriends' from my past in my life. I have had a couple of them here in my life for over 30 years. We are close friends but that is it. Never has a spouse denied me of my friendships. He is your husband. Apparently you "guilted" him into stopping contact with these people. That could backfire on you. If he is there WITH YOU , all of the time, I don;t think you have anything to worry about.

I don't altogether agree with the above comments. The communication sounds like it was made in secrecy. A wife can tolerate this behaviour if she is involved. Smoke can often lead to fire... if it doubles back on her then her intuition was spot on. She can be glad she found out now and had the guts to tell him.

imoutspoken · Dec 22, 2012, 09:44 PM

In your marriage vows you promised to "forsake all others". He has broken that vow. Now my questions would have to be; if he hadn't got caught would he have stopped? Is he truly sorry or is he sorry since he got caught? You have to discern the answers by his actions since he got caught.
It sounds to me like he is sorry but only you know how he is acting.
I received this advise: Give yourself a year in which you can bring it up as often as you like for discussion (with his permission in advance of this year of course). And with his understanding that this is the price he has to pay for crossing that line, you have the right to cry and get angry about it as often as you do and he has to reassure you and console you as often as it takes for you to be OK... for a year. At the end of that year; you have to move on; you have to forgive him and never bring it up again except if he brings it up then it is open for discussion but you don't get to be angry and hurt all over again.
It helped me.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 23, 2012, 10:04 AM

This is three years old. I doubt the issue still exist, she has not been back.

imoutspoken · Dec 26, 2012, 05:50 AM

Yeah I noticed that too late. Thank you though for your response.

mark25624 · Dec 28, 2012, 01:55 PM

Forgiving is easy!
It's the forgetting that is the hard part!
Could be he misses his ex's!

2What both need to do is to let it be known!
That what he thinks is harmless!
To you it's not!
And the same with him.

It was said: "You have to trust people!" "You just can't trust the warranty!"
Depending on who's name is on the isp account!
You could call them.
And find out I they can put his account at a lower level.
Or! Find on the net downloadable software to control what he see/does.

But! That is for pc's!
I he has an I-phone!
There's another problem!!