Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    Inpain1's Avatar
    Inpain1 Posts: 7, Reputation: 6
    New Member
     
    #21

    May 1, 2008, 03:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by chrissymarie
    I'm having doubt about getting married, but are these doubts about getting married to him enough to end an engagement with the man I believe to be my first true love?

    1. I believe he has a fetish with the way I look (being black) he is white and has a porn collection which consists of only black women

    2. He is 30 and I am 20. (do men really age better than women or am I doomed to be with an old prune?)

    3. He wants children now, I don't want them for atleast 5 more years.

    4. Am I his fiance or his child? (He pays for everything and sets all the rules)

    5. Should I be worried about the fact he said he wants to mold me into the perfect woman/ wife?

    6. He goes to church and pretends to be religious yet lives a sinful life with me... ( and I don't like church or religion)

    Please help me make my final decision.
    Hi Chrissy...
    I hate to say this, but I think that you already know what you want to do. If you have questions about marriage... listen to those gut feelings! Take it from a 41 year old mother of four... you want to be sure about the rest of your life. I was 36 before I met my soul mate, the biggest thing that I can say about my husband is that he is my best friend. That is what it is all about... romantic loves fades, sex fades... you have to marry someone that you are willing to wash dirty socks for, and do all of those mundane things that are a part of everyday life... don't be unsure about anything... if you are unsure now, you will only multiply that feeling by millions if you marry. Good luck Sweetie... I know that it will be hard for you in some aspect, which ever way you choose. Sending you the best wishes! :-)
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
    Uber Member
     
    #22

    May 1, 2008, 03:12 PM
    Concerning your counseling "wish list"... all of those things deal with issues tied to him... his "faults"...

    Nothing in there talks about your actions or inactions, your enabling, or your shortfalls.

    Concerning porn... I'm not going to judge him or you. As long as its legal, its his moral decision... one you need to live with, or without... but I'm not going to condemn him for porn of young women if its legal. After all, he is dating a young, black woman. I will agree that if it's a line that you don't want crossed, it should be made known. We can go on and on about compatibility and not trying to change the other person... but most people concede some things along the way to be in a long term relationship. If this is something you feel strongly about, fine. If he stands his ground, its his right. And your right to walk.

    Concerning his controlling nature... I understand he is successful and you see that this control is a part of his success. OK.

    You get the respect you demand, and sometimes not even that. I say that a lot. It means if you cannot stand up for yourself, don't expect others to do it for you. So... while you hope counseling will help him see you as an equal... how can he if you aren't able to stand up for yourself? You have delegated yourself to your position and accepted this place... and along the way you decided to marry him.

    An example... my wife works in a male dominated field, and is in a position that is male dominated as well. On a recent international trip, she was the only woman present out of over 30 people. She doesn't wait for others to give her equal footing. She has to take it. Demand it. Stand up eye to eye and be the part.

    So... maybe he can give a little on the controlling side... but don't expect him to give you anything you aren't willing to take for yourself. I wonder if you've played the lesser role just because it was easier, and you didn't want to make waves... you thought conceding to his wishes was the best way to keep the peace and to keep the relationship afloat?

    If that's the case, this is an issue you are going to have to work on... meaning YOU need to work on this too... not just him. Its fine to see him as successful and give him some credit due to being more experienced... he probably has some wisdom you haven't had to gather yet.

    But if you are going to be an equal, you need to act like you deserve it.

    I'm not trying to blame you... I'm trying to make you think about what you want for yourself from counseling... not just what he needs to change in your opinion.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member
     
    #23

    May 1, 2008, 04:36 PM
    Listen to your instincts. Often guys can hide and control their true nature until they have you head over heels for them. Sounds like he could very well wait until you marry him and then leave you up in bed while he watches porn all night, start controlling your every move and telling you what you can and can not think, feel, say or do.
    He doesn't see you as somebody that is strong emotionally or character wise.
    Him saying he wants to mold you shows that he is into you for your age and inexperience.
    mustard_seed's Avatar
    mustard_seed Posts: 68, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member
     
    #24

    May 4, 2008, 03:30 PM
    I'm in complete agreement with everything posted here. Michellet218 is really being helpful to you. All of us are asking the same basic question: Why do you NEED to marry this man?
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member
     
    #25

    May 5, 2008, 01:58 PM
    I read all your posts and from all of them you sound very confuse. All your posting are conerning this one guy in different topics all under to weeks. I don't think you reading every post but don't letting it sink in. It like when your parents say it going in one ear and out the other and all because he pays for everything does not means he owns you, but I think you likes he pay for everything because you let that be known in all your posts. Also it seem your family likes that as well because they might look at it as well at least he takes care of you. Anyway your going do want you want, I don't think marriage is something you want right now, at least with this guy. You should reread all the answers members how gave because there are from experience and really use their advise. And to add if he do want to see an counselor you should see one for yourself and I don't saying your crazy but its good to talk abouts your fears, dreams, love, anything and it will only make you strong.

    Good luck!
    alwaystrue's Avatar
    alwaystrue Posts: 20, Reputation: 5
    New Member
     
    #26

    May 15, 2008, 01:45 PM
    Your must have work out your differences if now the agreement is about having a threesome.
    sassyT's Avatar
    sassyT Posts: 184, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member
     
    #27

    May 16, 2008, 01:33 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by chrissymarie
    I'm having doubt about getting married, but are these doubts about getting married to him enough to end an engagement with the man I believe to be my first true love?

    1. I believe he has a fetish with the way I look (being black) he is white and has a porn collection which consists of only black women

    2. He is 30 and I am 20. (do men really age better than women or am I doomed to be with an old prune?)

    3. He wants children now, I don't want them for atleast 5 more years.

    4. Am I his fiance or his child? (He pays for everything and sets all the rules)

    5. Should I be worried about the fact he said he wants to mold me into the perfect woman/ wife?

    6. He goes to church and pretends to be religious yet lives a sinful life with me... ( and I don't like church or religion)

    Please help me make my final decision.
    This Guy sound creepy..
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #28

    May 17, 2008, 12:11 PM
    I think you can wait as you have to many issues, and doubts to be ready for an undertaking like marriage. What's the hurry??
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
    Uber Member
     
    #29

    May 17, 2008, 12:18 PM
    You need to make this decision on your own. Not any of us can answer or make the answer easier for you.

    As far as liking black women, everybody has their own likes. Does not mean there is anything wrong with it.

    As far as paying everything, you let him do you not. That is partly your choice as well.

    As far as rules, what rules? If he is making all the rules and your listening to him your not helping the situation.

    What do you mean by the fact that he goes to church and is religious but lives a sinful life with you, what exactly does that mean?

    As far as wanting to mold you and change you to what he likes. This is wrong.

    Yes, like others have mentioned Counseling is important here. As Tal has said what is the rush when you have so many concerns.
    mimi03's Avatar
    mimi03 Posts: 201, Reputation: 45
    Full Member
     
    #30

    May 18, 2008, 06:30 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by chrissymarie
    Ok... we have a connection I have with no one else. We have exactly the same sense of humor and can talk for hours. He is my comfort. I feel so safe with him. He is extremely attractive to me and so great and considerate in bed. He has the best taste in food and teaches me something new everyday. My family loves him which is very important to me. He usually supports me 100% and helps me make the right decsions at times. He is taking care of me and tries his hardest to make sure I have everything I need and am happy. although theses are my "best years" i sometimes feel giving them to him is totally worth it for all that he can do for me. But then again there are times when I have my doubts too.
    This speaks volumes to me, everything you said sounds a lot like "I like him because he does .... for me" what do you actually love about him? Reading this makes me think you're in love with the way you're being taking care of by him (this can change!) and the sex (that's called lust!)... You shouldn't marry him, although you say he may be your first love I don't think you know what that means yet... this is coming from someone your own age, just wait!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #31

    May 19, 2008, 07:56 AM
    What's the hurry to tie yourself to his star?
    lma2931's Avatar
    lma2931 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #32

    May 19, 2008, 08:16 AM
    Hi Chrissy. The one main thing that I saw as a red flag here is the children issue. You should never bring children into the equaiton unless both people are 100 % into it. As for the rest of it, if he is you "true love" then age shouldn't matter, you agreed to marry him knowing his age, and that he likes porn, and that he pretends to be religious. I think that you already know in your heart the best thing to do, or you wouldn't be asking the question. If you are having doubts, then communicate, about all of the issues, It could end up saving your relatioship and making you both stronger partners.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member
     
    #33

    May 19, 2008, 05:55 PM
    I believe she already knows right from wrong and if she has all these issues already there would be many down the road, but the only question I had for her if he wasn't paying for everything would that make her decision easier?
    jasmine_rezzag's Avatar
    jasmine_rezzag Posts: 191, Reputation: 10
    Junior Member
     
    #34

    May 23, 2008, 01:40 AM
    For me:
    1. if my man has a fetish with the way I look,I will feel happy but not worry!2
    2. ten years age difference is not a big deal! I prefer my man older than me,3-10 years is perfect! I like mature men and they know well how to take care of their women!
    3. you are only 20,it is too young for you to have child,can hold this after 5 years,talk with your man about this,if he really loves you,he can understand!
    4. I like my man who is a little controlling,but set all rules is too horrible! He can set rules,but make sure your rules are also acceptable for him which make sure you are respectful and be loved!
    5. If he wants to mold you, which means he wants to change you,he is not satisfied with some hobits or activities of you! Mold you to be a perfect wife is only an excuse! What is the definition of perfect wife for him? He loves and would like to marry the perfect wife of the difinition or the real woman like you? Ask him about this! Do not make any changes easily for someone unless which is needed and you are happy to!if not,both of you will not be happy for the changes,troubles will come after that!

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Blade engagement [ 2 Answers ]

I have a Troy Bilt riding mower. As soon as I engage the blade the mower shut off. The belts all seem to be tight and in place. Any suggestions?

Engagement Party [ 4 Answers ]

My son has just announced he is getting married. They live in a different state and the parents plan on having an engagement party for them and we are planning a party In our state also. My husband does not want to attend the party for the brides family in another state because he feels it is...

Engagement at 16. [ 4 Answers ]

Ok, I'm going to be 16 in December. My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage and want to get married as soon as we get out of high school. Would it be a bad idea (if it's legal) to get engaged until then? And If so would it be a bad idea (if our parents let us) if we got married while still in...

What will my parents think of engagement? [ 4 Answers ]

I am 16 and have a son who is 4 mnths old. I have been with his father for almost 2 years and we want to get engaged. How can I tell my parents this?


View more questions Search