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sadface · May 1, 2008, 01:26 AM

Hi all - I'm new here and I apologise in advance for my long story, but I need help!

I have been married for 4 yrs, total of 8 yrs with my man. We started so strong, so in love, he would honour the floor I walked on, he loved me, we were so in love!

I understand that the longer you are with someone the lust faids away however I'm so down lately. Little things like:-

I come home from work he is garden doesn't acknowledge me. Once I was went out to say hi :) and he said hi in a sad voice, then as I walked back indoors I nearly fell and he didn't see if I was OK.

Yesterday we went food shopping and he said what was that thing you said we should get - I was like - what thing - and he got in a mood and arsey with me because I couldn't remember - a few minutes later I remembered and I said you really bring me down.. how can remember on the spot! He said well you do and say silly things sometimes! It really hurt me. Then went we got to the cashier I said let me pass d food to the cashier and you bag it up! He said NO I DO THAT ALL THE TIME, which is a lie only once he did it so he passed the food to cashier whilst I bagged it all up! He could see I was down - came t help me abit but then as we got home acted like I was absoolutley fine and I wasn't.

He NEVER asks me if I'm OK - NEVER.
I started a new job as a recruitment conusltant and I placed my first candidate after 2 weeks - he didn't so any excitement for me - I got a well done in a low voice.. I then booked a wkend away in June for us with the bonus I got at work for my placement - he was like yes that a nice idea - and that was IT!

These things hurt me. I know they are pety things... He is very trsut worthy but these things ANNOY the hell out of me about him. I feel I can't speak to him because when I try he throws all back at me - saying well I told you well done or if he had to comment about d garden incident or whilst food shopping - he would say well you do forget and say silly things half the time :(
When I talk to him he frowns all the time like he doesn't have the time or day for me

I don't know I'm so down. Even, I inherited some money. Im also the bread winner when it comes financially - and I pay for everything, like to go out etc, he pays for mortgage and bills, but its me who pays for holidays, clothes, drinks etc... I don't think I ever got a thank you.

We text message each other a lot and maybe that's a mistake we both do - we chat on text and not face to face - even I love u - just on text :(

We haven't had sex in a few weeks also! I admit that's mostly my fault and I am not horny a lot

Does he still respect me?
Does he still Love me?
Should I stay or should I walk?
I know I can make it on my own!

tickle · May 1, 2008, 02:10 AM

Sometimes ordinary every day events are too humdrum for couples. Being together is just too predictable. Affirmation isn't always necessary. I think you are reading too much into your husbands attitude.

Could you be going through the change ?

sadface · May 1, 2008, 02:17 AM

What sort of change tickle?
I am turning 30 next yr lol if that makes any different!

However he has been like this with me for a while now

tickle · May 1, 2008, 02:25 AM

I meant menopause, sadface, but at 30 I don't think so !

I hate to say this, but you know feelings change, people change. If I had a man who acted like that towards I would start considering that there is another woman involved. Have you considered that possibility? Has there been any slight indication of it ?

You said you haven't had sex in a few weeks, and you feel it is your fault. Could be he is wondering what's going on with you too. I sense there isn't much in the way of good honest communication between you two if all you are doing is texting each other.

sadface · May 1, 2008, 02:30 AM

No I don't think there is anyone else.
As much as complained about my man I really do trust him in being faithful to me!

That's why maybe I think he is losing interest in me, doesn't love me like he used to! He doesn't respect me.

Im not perfect but I love him!

Yes indeed I believe that us texting during the day leaves us nothing to talk about when we get home

tickle · May 1, 2008, 02:45 AM

I would suggest to start initiating quiet times for both of you when you get home. You relax first, shake off the work day and get your mindset on giving him your undivided attention and don't get put off if at first if it doesn't work. If you both drink, have a glass of wine, maybe in the garden, if that's the kind of garden you have. Try to make romantic moments, don't mention problems, how he feels, etc. Get him relaxed so he will talk and get whatever it is off his chest.

sadface · May 1, 2008, 02:54 AM

I want this to work. I mean 8 yrs together is a long time and I appreciate that its not always rosey...
But these little things are getting to me - I feel I am not being myself with him because I cant! Im worried I may say something wrong and he will embarres me and have a go!

Yes it is that type of garden :)

In fact today I'm off but he is working! I intend to not message him all day and just see him when he comes with a glass of wine.

We are going out to eat at this fancy restaurant - he is booking I am paying

Do u think because I am the bread winner and I have inherited that money (quite a bit) he feels that he isn't a man! I don't know.

Im just trying to think of every possible aspect!

Also last week he crashed my car twice! Not on purpose obviously and he said to my friend she must really love me because she didn't get angry that I smashed her car - which he knew I loved that car a lot

tickle · May 1, 2008, 03:58 AM

Do you think he is having health problems he can't discuss with you? I do agree with you out about the bread winner comment, sadface, could be he feels inadequate in some ways, but he should have been able to get passed that years ago.

Good luck. You will probably have some other suggestions along the way on this site.

sadface · May 1, 2008, 04:05 AM

Yes I'm keen to hear other suggestions, but thanks tickle you have helped me get through my morning!
I have been the bread winner for over 3 yrs... and I don't brag about it far from it! I buy and do things for us... to enjoy together!

Health problems? Such as? I don't think so!

He just called me and was very nice over the phone!

He just rang me now and we started chatting and I said I was bored at home so he told me to read up about new series to order anyway I don't feel like reading so I told him I don't feel like reading and he said watever, why not it does take long! In a voice!

Every time I disagree to do something he says he gets abit like it!

Am I reading too much in to it or would it bother you also?

sadface · May 2, 2008, 02:02 AM

If your husband tells you :-

You don't need to tell me like a mother.
I don't need reminding!
And
Recently you have tended to be my mother not my partner

What does it mean?

ISneezeFunny · May 2, 2008, 02:05 AM

Perhaps you nag him to do things like his mother used to. I just read an article on CNN about this:

Do you mommy your husband? - CNN.com

sadface · May 2, 2008, 02:08 AM

Interesting article!

mustard_seed · May 4, 2008, 02:43 PM

Men have NO idea what to complain about or what to call it. You do not have an intimate relationship with Mommy. Ridiculous!

sadface · May 11, 2008, 06:01 AM

My husband and I bought a flat 1 yr ago. It was quite run down and needed lots of work. It was my husbands dream to buy a run down place and do it all up himself.

6 months ago the plaster came did plastered the walls but my husband thought he did a sh*t job. We couldn't complain thou as a friend did it for us. FREE

My husband told me didn't like it I also didn't think the walls were that great, and he wants to re do everythin himself i.e - sandin down of walls again - plastering and paintin. Deciding to do room by room we started from our bedroom. It has been 3 months now and we are still living in d spare bedroom. He works on wkends only and sometimes we go out at d wkend and lose a wkend. Im getting tired of living in dust. He always says he will do some more work wkdays after work but sometimes he comes home late and tired so I don't hassle him, and others he just decides to work on his plants and leaves the bedroom.

Now he wants to do all the house and we have another bedroom bathroom hallway and living and kithen! I can't bare living like this anymore and if I try tell him - we just paint and forget sanding and plastering he get all up tight with me and says - IT HAS TO BE DONE, it won't take me long!
(3 months to do 1 bedroom - I mean isn't that long?)

What should I do?

ChihuahuaMomma · May 11, 2008, 06:21 AM

Suggest that he get professional help (not like that :P). He can still do most of the work himself and feel that this was his creation, but hire some professionals to help out. Hire them two or three days during the week. Let him do his thing on the weekend.

sadface · May 11, 2008, 06:31 AM

I suggested that he doesn't want to

talaniman · May 11, 2008, 08:03 AM

Nothing like a project by amateurs, to cause grief and tensions, anger and resentments. The solution is to compromise, so set a date for completion and if its not met, no excuses get some help. The key is a reasonable date to work with.
Second choice is to move out and tell him to call you when he is finished. Either choice, calls for you to be proactive, and not just go along with the program.

sadface · May 11, 2008, 08:49 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Either choice, calls for you to be proactive, and not just go along with the program.

What do you mean exactly by that?

I wouldn't want to move out and leave him alone - I think it may cause friction!

I cleaned all day today.. He was asleep, he said he isn't feeling well.. fair enough if he is but I want to finish it! Fedup of living in a mess.
But sometimes we both like to go out on wkends after a hefty week at work.
Oh I don't no :(

bigbird213 · May 11, 2008, 08:51 AM

What if you start doing some of the work too, whether he likes it or not?

Maybe it'll get him a gear a little bit?

sadface · May 11, 2008, 09:14 AM

Were I can help - I do, but some is quite heavy duty - I can't manage alone!
Maybe he really isn't well today!
Next wkend we going away!
Never ending