[talaniman]

Originally Posted by talaniman
Either choice, calls for you to be proactive, and not just go along with the program.

what do u mean exactly by that?

The longer you standby and let this go, the longer you will be breathing dust.

I wouldn't want to move out and leave him alone - I think it may cause friction

So everything is hunky-Dorry? There is already friction. At least the friction you bring from moving may cause something to be done, and that is well worth the friction.

fed up of living in a mess.

Which is it, fear of hurting his feelings, or breathing dust in the half finished mess your in.

Next wkend we going away!

That will really get things done. You don't know what to do, he does, but doesn't do it. What a mess you two have to resolve, so stop tip-toeing around it, and express your displeasure. This situation calls for some friction from you.
My wife would have cussed me out for being a procrastinator, and had it done by the time I got home from work, and dared me to look crazy.
Get it done, and take him somewhere nice to stroke his hurt ego! At least ask him how long you have to breath dust? Come on, you have to do something beside twiddle your thumbs, and go along with this nonsense.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

Superb advice Talaninman!!

[Fr_Chuck]

While is he gone move into the rest of the home, leave one room for him to do, tell him he can do one room at at ime, when he finished that one, he can move things arouind for the next room.

And sleeping on the floor or the couch for a few nights till he gets more excieted about doing it will get things going.

[sadface]

Just got into a small argument with my husband about me not having the same interests as him.. such as walking, countryside, assembling stuff etc.. While I like to chill more! Like if we at beach I like to sunbath and he doesn't!

He said that he just puts up with it!

We been together 10 yrs
Has it come to an end?

[JBeaucaire]

He's pointing out that part of being married is TAKING an interest in the things your spouse enjoys. You do it because you have bonded yourself to this person for all time. This is one of the key things committed people do... become fans of and participants in the life of their mate.

You don't need to do everything all the time, you just need to do it frequently. Because that's what this kind of love is about.

I HATE house hunting and going to open houses. I hate exercise and shopping. I "give in" on the shopping and house hunting several times every month. That lets me off the hook on the exercise thing. BUT... I am the one who buys all the exercise equipment for her and encourages her daily workouts. So in this way I appear to be involved, as well.

In return, she lets me drag her on my weekend outings, day trips and house projects.

You've been married a long time. Too long for the "spark" to stay alive on its own. You need to practice dating with your guy again. If you two were courting, trying to get in good with another, you would be much more creative, much more willing to do things just because they wanted to. That's what dating is like. But GREAT marriages keep that behavior forever.

[sadface]

We are total opposites with different interests.
When he said - he just puts up with it made me believe that he isn't 100% happy! I mean believe me I don't believe in perfection but the way he said me made me sad.
We didn't speak last night and slept on sofa and this mornin he left for work with out saying good bye.

Yesterday it started when we went to get our new desk. And we had to build it up and I helped him a little and then we got on to the conversation were I said I would have paid someone to come and build it and she said you are not capable of doing it and I said I don't get enjoyment out of this! And I don't! All the house we did it up alone because he wants to do it - so I don't get it.

Is he fedup of me after 10 yrs?

[Greg Quinn]

Marriage is not 100% happy.
I'm thinking he would like some help. I hate washing pots and pans... But I do.
In my relationship, my GF and I had to build a huge home gym together. I look back and loved the fact that we were doing something hands on together.
I think some effort needs to be made in order to repair your marriage. Why did you marry him in the first place? You must have had some common interests. Its odd to me, I see people in relationships that last forever, and the man is always doing one thing and the wife is always doing something else. If you ask them if their happy, they say "YES!! And check out our flower garden."

[sadface]

Oh believe me I don't believe 100% perfection.

But him to say he puts up with it!

He saw how upset it made me. I cried in the bathroom and he didn't even say nothing. I didn't cry in front of him.

He said I don't take interest. But how can I not take interest when I let him do up the house alone like he wants to.

What do you suggest.. he won't even call me today I know it

[Greg Quinn]

oh believe me i dont believe 100% perfection.

but him to say he puts up with it!!

He saw how upset it made me. i cried in the bathroom and he didnt even say nothing. i didnt cry infront of him.

He said i dont take interest. But how can i not take interest wen i let him do up the house alone like he wants to.

What do u suggest...? he wont even call me today i know it

-----------------------------------
I'm not sure what you should do or say, you have been with him for ten years, maybe you should sit down with him tonight and discuss what you would like from each other in terms of effort. You have to both work together to establish what the problem is and work on a solution. Maybe you can find something you can do together, like watch the Sopranos series. LOL... Something you can both enjoy and make part of your routine.

[sadface]

I have tried to speak to him and all he says is - that all we do is what I want to do!
We do watch series together...
I don't know its like my heart is giving up on us.
I can't speak to him :(

[sadface]

He also said I isn't active enough

I said we went skiing last month and I skied he said only for 2 minutes!

[Fr_Chuck]

If you are not that active he may well be worried about your health, because people do need to exercise.
But for heavens sake couples who are in love should be having a lot of disagreements. And to be honest he may be right, you may not exercise enough, but then you don't have to either if you don't want to, so you disagree? So what, if you did not disagree with your husband some then I would be really worried about the relationship.

[sadface]

He knows I need motivation to get to the gym or go for walks - so does he never suggest it? Or goahead get a membership for us to go together.
No he doesn't!
Im starting to think that after 10 yrs maybe its time for us to go our separate ways.

I know deep down he loves me - but if he is with me because he loves me and just puts up with my interests and what we do toegther is that good enough?

[Greg Quinn]

I would still talk with him.

[JBeaucaire]

Love isn't enough reason to get married, and it sure isn't enough to KEEP you married. A marriage is built on sacrificial behavior, on BOTH parties.

You two sound like siblings, not committed life partners. Unconditional love, the kind marriages a built on, bears everything that comes. Your differences, your commonalities, your ups and most of all the constant downs.

Life is a real bear. Marriage is supposed to make it easier on married people because the uncertainty of losing your mate over some sin (great or small) is eliminated, or at least it was supposed to be. VOWING to stay and do the work and figure it out, act sacrifically, honor / cherish / respect and not respond childishly or at least not react like people who are just dating... these are the basics of what you two PROMISED each other.

You both need to remember that.

When he critiques you, you forgive the tone you don't like, you ignore the facts that aren't real, but you PAY ATTENTION to the things he says that are. You do that because no one loves you and is committed to you the way he is. Even if you're mad, you still listen.

Read my original post above, it is all still the right answer here. You cannot ponder "will I bother hanging around" thoughts if your marriage was / is based on anything you promised the day you got married.

What you're going through now, this is exactly what being married is supposed to help you weather.

If your husband were someone someone you just liked a whole lot and were trying "get interested in you" while dating... you would take a real interest in his likes and hobbies, and he would do the same with you. You would! The fact that you don't like it would be set aside for the sake of the courtship.

Just because you've been married 10 years is no reason to let familiarity make either one of you selfish on this one point. You need to stay FANS of one another. Period. If for no other reason than you promised.

From where I sit, the very things you're complaining about and not wanting to give in on... these are the very things that would solve your situation and set you two up for some big wins again over the long run. And I mean BOTH of you.

[juniormiss]

Find things you like to do together. Sometime, marriages are about compromise. He does things with you because he loves you and wants to spend time with you but the activity itself may not interest him and vise versa. It sounds like you have a well season marriage not a dying one. Set some time away a couple of times a week and create time to spend with your spouse. Movie night or dinner night, go to the beach day, or sit at home night.

[Kati-Katt]

You know things don't always last forever... you could be right... but it could also be the worst mistake you can make.. You have to follow your heart.

[sadface]

We had a chat last night, well actually I chatted he 'listened' - he isn't good at confrontation and mum confirmed most men arnt!
Anyway - I spoke fromy heart and explaing what I felt.
All he said in the 15 min conversation was yes and no and then said that he wants me to show more of an interest in things he likes like gardenin So I told him he didn't even notice I watered plants and veggies the other day. He said that take an interest in shows he watches because I just get up and start doing other things ( I thought that was childish of him ) but last night I sat down and watched a series he likes with him. He said about our hoiday planned for summer he siad that he wanted to g to anthens and rhodes and I wanted to go to mykonos greece (im paying the holiday) so I said we go for a week to mykonos and do day trips to anthens and rhodes, isn't that fair? I mean our Xmas holiday he chose the destination...

Am I being fair?

Then I said if he is happy with me and he said YES (in a angry voice)
I don't get him!
He didn't ask me if I was happy! He never does!

[JBeaucaire]

I'm telling you to take the time and actually GET interested involved in his interests. He's telling you the same thing. Instead, you had one talk with him and claim "Hey, look at all I do...! You're not being fair."

That's not even remotely what I suggested.

Now I will say the things you noted that you did WERE the right idea. But the argumentative stuff you added in around the same time pretty much washed out any good effect it might have had, sorry to point out.

So, either you can figure out what I'm talking about and realize it's a way of life, not an evening or two or a show or two... or you can NOT figure it out and keep with the angry.

BTW, he won't ask you generally girlie questions like "are you happy" while you two are at odds. It won't happen. You focusing on that is just you adding to the unhappiness pile. Also, he doesn't really need to ask, you've made it loud and clear you're not happy. He's fully aware.

He'll only ask you stuff like that when you two are through the woods on the stuff you're going through right now.

Also, he's made it clear he's not happy right now and yet you find asking him if he is happy a useful question. Don't you think that's odd?

You need to take a lot of steps back and start treating him like a stranger you respect, the husband image right now isn't working for you. You've got a lot of "he owes me" concepts in your mind. It doesn't matter if you're right or not about that (you may be!), it just matters that those thoughts hurt your chances of solving this well, hurts your chances a LOT.

[sadface]

Is it normal for one of my husband's customers who is a woman my age when sending a text message to my husband, starts the message by saying Morning Darling?