[AD2012]

My boyfriend is 31 and I've been in a committed relationship with him for close to a year now and we have intentions to get married. We started with amazing sex but after two or 3 months it just dwindled to once in a blue moon. It's like we've already been married for 20 years LOL! For nearly 10 months now, I've had to make due with a frequency of about twice a month. He's only interested in the "doggy-style" position that hurts me and doesn't get me off (probably because he knows I won't go for it). I've had a few talks with him about it and he's receptive but nothing changes. It's killing me! He swears he's not gay (despite his bi-curiosity in college) and he's physically fit, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, etc. In fact he's REALLY good in bed when he wants to be but the problem is he NEVER wants to! When we DO have sex, 90% of the time he finishes quickly and doesn't do a thing to satisfy me. But there have been rare occasions that he just goes and goes and there are multiple orgasms for both of us. Obviously I don't expect that every time, and I don't even care if I don't get off every time as long as we're doing it with a greater frequency than once a month! He says he likes being intimate with me but he doesn't even kiss me anymore! Seriously, what is going on here?? He swears it isn't me and that he still finds me attractive so... what is it? Please help! :confused:

[Choux]

You didn't mention how old you were.

[AD2012]

26

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

Maybe this boyfriend of your thinks that sex has become a routine for you.

Have you tried spicing things up? Foreplay all day?

[Synnen]

Have you confronted him and told him "This is not acceptable to me. If this does not change, I will not be happy. If I am not happy, YOU will not be happy. This is a serious situation, and I feel that you are not putting any effort into addressing it with me"?

[kp2171]

So we know he is able to get you there, and you say multiple times when he cares to, he just doesn't seem to care to.

Well, in my mind its not complicated.

If he doesn't care to do the "work" to get you off through intercourse, he should at least be willing to get you there orally before he has his... but even that alone isn't acceptable. I'm not a fan of keeping "score" in the bedroom, but I also think there needs to be a balance... and he seems to be completely in control of what he gets, when he gets it, and what he gives, when he's willing.

Not good.

So then there's the things that can naturally affect libido, making even a lover who wants to be giving, less interested. Stress, depression, illness, meds, smoking, poor sleep, frequent masturbation, and on and on...

Has anything changed concerning his job, finances, health? Does he work out? The honest truth is, for me, the more I work my body though exercise, the greater my libido... part might be self confidence in my body, but part is a result of the balance you can get with exercise...

Everybody can hit a rut. People who wait until after marriage would start with a bang and then it might fizzle. The "newness" wears off. The "chase" seems like its over. And all of that amps up the drive. So what's a couple to do?

Well... I've experienced two periods in a 10 year relationship that involved a lack of sex, or at least infrequent. One was "my fault" after I became depressed for a spell. Quit a job to take another that fell through, right after having a child and buying a bigger home. The stess really got to me. Worked through it eventually, but libido suffered in the meantime. The second was when my wife was recovering from a surgery. She wasn't interested in sex at all during this time, and the recovery took a few months.

So... what got us through this was communication. It took longer for us to understand what was happening when I was depressed, but still... in the end, we talked about what was going well and what wasn't. And still... there are times when she will have a lower drive. She works long hours and travels a lot. Her body is fatigued. If each day were a walk on the beach, wed be all over each other all the time.

So when we hit a rough patch, what keeps me sane is I KNOW she is interested. I know she's a giving lover. I know she wants to have a healthy sex life. If she's wiped out from work and just cannot get relaxed, I understand what's happening. I know that its not a lack of desire. I know its not me. Life is getting in the way. As long as I believe she is still interested and wanting that connection, I can muddle through a rough week. Or two perhaps. Beyond that, we start having discussions.

So... you are at a place where you don't know what's going on. Have to admit, I'm a little scared for you... my experience is that it only gets harder in time to find that connection since, as I mentioned, life gets in the way.

Have spontaneous sex in the living room by the fireplace? Only if childcare has been prearranged in advance. Sex in the morning before work or a nooner? Only if there isn't an early meeting, a workout scheduled, or vendor in town.

Point is.. a lazy lover might be lazy for the moment, due to things I mentioned, like stress... or it might be his true colors.

All you can do is try to talk it out some more... and then its in his hands. If he isn't willing to do some work concerning initiating sex and pleasing you... he is a lazy lover who either will never be willing to please you, or wholl need your constant prodding and poking to get him into bed. And that's just emotional energy spent for no good reason.

I'm all for giving a person a chance to do the right thing. Lay it all out. Don't make threats you won't backup, but tell him what you want and expect. If he doesn't follow through, and you decide to stay... then you decide to live with it. You don't get to be a victim (and I don't think you are trying to be) if you choose to stay when he refuses to be engaged in the bedroom.

Uhm... in case you are still reading this diatribe... is there a certain time he tends to prefer sex. I ask this because my partner is a "morning girl", even though when we dated it was whenever we could find the time. Me... a "night guy", id always find the wrong times to chase her down. Now, I wake up before the army to try to seduce my wife.

[AD2012]

How often is it healthy for men to have sex with their girlfriends? What could be wrong if my BF doesn't want me hardly EVER? We've been together for a year and we're helplessly in love and want to get married but I am not happy with the fact that he'll do anything to get out of making love to me. I'm lucky if I get it twice a month! He's not a smoker, physically fit, and totally in love with me so I don't understand! It's definitely more mental than physical...

[AD2012]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and are totally in love. We've expressed that we'd like to get married someday... but I can't help feeling like he's not completely into me! He shys away from me when I try to get close to him... he's a total cuddler but he's totally asexual! I've expressed to him my needs but it's going on 10 months of this and nothing has changed! It doesn't seem healthy. What should I do?

[AD2012]

Have you confronted him and told him "This is not acceptable to me. If this does not change, I will not be happy. If I am not happy, YOU will not be happy. This is a serious situation, and I feel that you are not putting any effort into addressing it with me"?

I've had several talks with him about it. Something might change in the next 24 hours after our talk but then I'll end up waiting for another month! Usually what he does is he'll make an effort in the middle of my sleep cycle when he knows I won't go for it, so at least he can say he tried. It's really messed up! He tries to listen and be sensitive but I think there is a real problem here...

[kp2171]

Not good at all.

[AD2012]

What does this mean? What should I do? I know he loves me... he'll do just about anything else in the world for me... I'm so concerned!

[kp2171]

I just don't think his actions are that of a giving lover.

And, as I mentioned, it doesn't get any easier just because you are married. If anything, it often takes more effort and focus. And if he isn't doing that now, when he's supposed to be chasing you, I just don't know what its going to take to change things for you.

I can tell you this... I have a great marriage, but if I had treated my wife the way he's treating you, she wouldn't have stayed. Most relationship have some kinks in the armor, some places where there isn't pefect overlap... but scour the threads here and see what its like for a woman to be with a man who is unattentive and ungiving after ten or more years of marriage.

They feel trapped, lonely, and desperate. And I'm not saying this because I want to scare you... its just the truth we get here in posts.

Personally, I hope he pulls his head out of his arse. I don't think you should be relegated to being a roommate and not a lover. I don't think his actions when you actually do have sex is giving or caring.

So he's a great guy who wants to be your roommate mostly.

I can't see living with that for 40 years.

[kp2171]

If you keep starting new threads its going to get very confusing... nobody is going to understand the entire picture... so if you really want help, pick a forum and run with the thread, talking in detail about all that's going on...

For ex, the social issue and the meds can play into the lack of sex... if you just give bits here and there, it just doesn't help your cause.

For later viewers of this post, here are other related threads...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ip-211380.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ng-210861.html

[AD2012]

Do you think it is something that psychological evaluation / counseling might help?

[Synnen]

I think that couples counseling will help.

I also think that telling him, and meaning it, that you refuse to put up with it any longer and that if things don't change, you and he will have to work something else out regarding your sexuality--whether that's leaving, having an open relationship, whatever--but be absolutely serious that you want yours, and that if he isn't going to give it to you, consistently, you're going to find it somewhere, with or without him.

[kp2171]

If he's willing and goes in with an open mind, sure.

Young men with libido/ED issues often respond well to counseling, as its often mental block and not all physical.

That said, you didn't address anything in my original post about stress, exercise, sleep, depression, fitness, nutrition, meds, smoking, alcohol use, etc... lifestyle changes can sometimes make a big difference.

For ex, I exercise regularly, and think it bumps up my libido and response. When I get off schedule due to lifes noise, I notice a drop in my drive and overall energy. One study showed that even obese men with ED issues had an increase in performance and drive with a regular exercise schedule.

What bugs me is your description of his behavior... choosing a position that you don't like and that hurts you because, you suspect, he likes it and knows you won't get off?

Being "receptive" to a talk but doing nothing?

Finishing fast and "never does a thing" to help you?

Waking you up in the middle of the night when he knows you will be too tired so he can say "i tried"?

If he were just uninterested, id think lifestyle changes alone might help. That he is uninterested AND completely avoids making you a priority in bed is disrespectful and rude.

I personally try pretty hard most of the time to get my lover there first. I always can with oral. I often can with oral then intercourse. It sometimes happens with just intercourse, but she's more responsive with oral first. Getting here there is a priority for me, and I don't understand his blatant neglect.

Some will come on here and say he's too much work at such a young age. I say give a person the opportunity to do the right thing. You've tried talking to him. You can suggest counseling. In the end, if you stay with a person who is sexually neglectful, you choose that for yourself and you can't play a victim (and I'm not saying you are trying to do this... you are honestly trying to improve your relationship).

And you also cannot do all the work yourself. He has to show some real interest in pleasing you. So far, I don't see it in him... especially with his selfish choices when he is willing to have sex. Unbelievable.

[progunr]

Without knowing your ages, it would be difficult to even guess what his issues may be.

Have you asked him directly about your concerns?

What did he say?

He is the one who needs to give you an answer, or explanation.

Anything you get here, is going to be nothing more than just a guess.

[Handyman2007]

I would agree. It is time to be honest with each other and simply ask what may be the problem. These things can easily turn into arguments but if one of you keeps the tone of the conversation really civil, you can get to the reason why. TALK... it's cheap and it usually works.

[AD2012]

Yeah... it's a real problem. Especially because it's not because he CAN'T, it's because he WON'T. He does exercise and doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs, like I said in the original post - he's physically fit and all that. He doesn't take medication but I think he does have some mental blocks. He was an emotional wreck when we first got together and it has taken him a while to trust me. He still hangs onto his past and his sour relationships. I've asked him not to talk about his ex-girlfriends but he jut can't seem to stop. He doesn't do it for the purpose of upsetting me - I think he just really can't let go of the pain they've caused him. He also has social anxiety disorder. Actually... he doesn't do any drugs NOW... but he's done some pretty hard stuff in the past... maybe that's still affecting him??

[JBeaucaire]

You two have allowed your relationship to progress far into the physical intimacy arena and you are now operating at what I like to call "the most familiar plateau." This is not always good, but in your case, it may well be. Why? You're not going to want to hear this.

He's 31. He's male. You've dated long enough to reach "familiarity behavior" meaning you two aren't "pretending" with each other any more for the sake of the dating pursuit,

You now see how he is, how he treats you, how he responds in conflict, how he treats political issues, family, kids, all of it. You two should know all of this about each other by now.

And sex, you have meted out the sexual gauge and can honestly see how each other are as lovers, both giving and receiving.

You're of the belief, as are some of the people here who have responded, that he has a problem that needs to be solved. I understand your position, but it simply may not be true. You may have found his level of sexual proclivity and YOU are the one who has a decision to make. Is this enough, or not?

This isn't about love, it's about compatibility. If your different sexual appettites can't be reconciled, and no amount of therapy may ever make him interested in what you want in this area, then you need to be gently honest about it.

Your relationship isn't guaranteed alter-bound just because there is love. It's altar-bound because you two have decided you CAN LIVE with the big differences between you for the sake of everything else you have in common. It's a choice.

A reminder of a VERY true old saying: "Men and women enter marraige with different expectations. He marries the woman he loves hoping she'll never change...but she does. She marries the man she loves hoping he WILL change...and he doesn't."

Counseling and sex therapy and such are all fine ideas, but there is just much a chance that you will end up married to a man who hasn't changed in any way in this area and you are making each other miserable over it. That would be sad, because that doesn't have to be the result.

You could opt to NOT get married and eventually wed someone more sexually compatible (both of you) and both be happier for it, or you could marry each other and accept the differences without making each other miserable over it. That would at least be more honest.