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    nedya's Avatar
    nedya Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 29, 2008, 02:18 AM
    Cheating husband,will he ever tell the truth?
    OK, so the man I am married to and have children with has been caught again. The same as last time, text messages all ending with I love you to a number not stored in his phone.
    He has asked me to give it another go and try to make it work for the kids, he says he loves me very much.

    My problem is that when I asked him last time to be honest he said that nothing physical happened, apart from a couple of kisses, it's the same this time..
    My question is: Is it possible for them to start telling each other "i love you" without having had sex? I am asking this question as I feel he is lying and I tell him that I can't move forward with him and forgive if I don't know the truth, I don't like being blind in the lie... and it wouldn't be fair!
    Many thanks
    O_Troubles's Avatar
    O_Troubles Posts: 313, Reputation: 20
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    #2

    Apr 29, 2008, 02:54 AM
    What does it matter if I love yous leaded or not to kisses or more he's obviously going to do it again! He's not worth you rtime or energy... and staying together for the kids bad idea if your fight and he's cheating on you your kids will get the worng idea its better they be raised in a loving single parent inviroment. Becides adultry is a very good basis for a divorce if you want to make sure he keeps paying for the kids!
    To answer your question though it depends on the person. I think he would have done more then sex or he wouldn't be saying that much over kisses. I think you already know this deep down, and him saying it will either comfirm and crush you or you won't know and it will haunt you. I'm not sure what the lesser of 2 evils is? What ever you choose to do, do it with your future and your kids future in mind. (kids growing up with more drama in the family are more likely to get into trouble and have behavioural issues. Or in your case your children may think cheating is acceptable because mommie used to let daddie do it... )
    Shell_Lee's Avatar
    Shell_Lee Posts: 83, Reputation: 10
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    #3

    Apr 29, 2008, 09:47 AM
    I believe that you can tell some one that you love them without sex. Does it matter though? Yes the truth matters, but there is so much more to this. He is telling someone else that he loves them. He told you that he kissed them. You say that this is the 2nd time that this has happened. Well what if this is happening a lot more and this is only the 2nd time that you caught him?

    If you honestly believe that you can trust him and love him, then try to make it work. If you have any doubt though, start to think about other options with your life.
    Tuscany's Avatar
    Tuscany Posts: 1,049, Reputation: 229
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    #4

    Apr 29, 2008, 10:05 AM
    I told my husband I loved him long before we had sex. The real concern is why is he telling someone else that he loves them. Do you honestly feel that you can trust him? This is the second time, I think it is time to hold him accountable for his actions.
    squeaks77's Avatar
    squeaks77 Posts: 113, Reputation: 19
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    #5

    Apr 29, 2008, 10:17 AM
    He's cheated on you twice, he will do it again! And I think he's lying to you about not having sex. How many men get into relationships for JUST the love?? Kick him to the curb, he is not worth your time or affection.
    amIwrong's Avatar
    amIwrong Posts: 157, Reputation: 16
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    #6

    Apr 29, 2008, 10:23 AM
    I agree with everyone, your seem focused purely on if they had sex or not. Who cares if he did, the first or second time, who cares? There is no more trust. Once is bad enough, he is telling someone he loves them. Who cares if he means it or not, don't play into it. It's disrespectful. I think your looking for a reason to keep him. You have to decide if you want to live a life like this, of feeling like you have to "catch him" or be free from that. But, isn't this embarrassing to you? How is this a good example for your children? I mean, I understand not just walking out when something goes wrong, but this happened once before. Did he not try to initiate counseling, or even attempt to make things right?
    DrJ's Avatar
    DrJ Posts: 1,328, Reputation: 339
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    #7

    Apr 29, 2008, 10:49 AM
    A common misconception of people about "cheating"... why do we all thinking "cheating" only happens if there sex involved?

    Many men can have sex with a woman without any feelings involved. After all, to them, its just sex.

    But what about the woman that he is in love with? Sex or not, he is cheating with his heart. It would seem that would be a much bigger offense... sex or not.

    Im not saying that a man can't love another woman without being IN love with them... but if that were the case, don't you think you should know who he shares this platonic love with?
    amIwrong's Avatar
    amIwrong Posts: 157, Reputation: 16
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    #8

    Apr 29, 2008, 11:32 AM
    I agree, sex or not, he is cheating, he is emotionally cheating, that's worse in some ways.
    Quote Originally Posted by DrJizzle
    A common misconception of people about "cheating" ...why do we all thinking "cheating" only happens if there sex involved?

    Many men can have sex with a woman without any feelings involved. After all, to them, its just sex.

    But what about the woman that he is in love with? Sex or not, he is cheating with his heart. It would seem that would be a much bigger offense... sex or not.

    Im not saying that a man can't love another woman without being IN love with them... but if that were the case, dont you think you should know who he shares this platonic love with?
    whattado's Avatar
    whattado Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    Apr 29, 2008, 11:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by nedya
    OK, so the man i am married to and have children with has been caught again. The same as last time, text messages all ending with i love you to a number not stored in his phone.
    He has asked me to give it another go and try to make it work for the kids, he says he loves me very much.

    My problem is that when i asked him last time to be honest he said that nothing physical happened, apart from a couple of kisses, its the same this time..
    My question is: Is it possible for them to start telling each other "i love you" without having had sex? I am asking this question as i feel he is lying and i tell him that i can't move forward with him and forgive if i dont know the truth, i dont like being blind in the lie...and it wouldnt be fair!!
    Many thanks
    Usually the I love you's come after Sex. In order to have a good trusting relationship, you should both be honest with each other. Just the fact that he has done what he he has this far, would make me wannna get rid of him. Good Luck, you deserve to be treated right.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #10

    Apr 29, 2008, 01:08 PM
    Men saying "I love you" is for the most part a reflection of his intent, not his feelings. What do I mean? Well, guys are visual, and they display love PHYSICALLY, not verbally. They do loving things, they dote on the girl, they SAY loving things not because they mean them (whether they do or not isn't my point), they SAY loving things as a way to open the gates to their coming physical overtures.

    Said another way, guys say "I love you" to a woman to get her ready for physical intimacy. A woman needs to hear things like that and will accept the words eagerly whether they are appropriate or not, whether they are real or not.

    So, what does this mean? It means his feelings aren't the point, whether they had sex or not isn't the point, he is actively TRYING to get sex from another woman. Again.

    I hope this helps you understand that ship has really sailed on his intention, whether he's had sex or not, it is his goal, it is the point. Sex with someone other than you. You now know this, you've caught him at least twice which is by no means a measure of how much he has actually committed this sin.

    The only thing you need to figure out is which of your kids will be the first to learn this is OK to do. If you stay (and I am a HUGE supporter of keeping families together), then you are exposing them to the concept that fidelity isn't important.
    tomterm8's Avatar
    tomterm8 Posts: 76, Reputation: 8
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    #11

    Apr 29, 2008, 01:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by nedya
    My question is: Is it possible for them to start telling each other "i love you" without having had sex? I am asking this question as i feel he is lying and i tell him that i can't move forward with him and forgive if i dont know the truth, i dont like being blind in the lie...and it wouldnt be fair!!
    Many thanks
    It is entirely possible to say "I love you" without having sex.

    None the less, you should dump the donkey, and never even think of going back. At the best he is a cheat, at the worst a fool, and you will never have a relationship with him where at the back of your mind you aren't wondering if he is having an affair with someone else.
    nedya's Avatar
    nedya Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    May 14, 2008, 05:49 AM
    Firstly I'd like to thank you all for taking time out of your lives to help me with my dilema!!
    Secondly there has been some sound advice here and although not always comfortable reading the truth hurts. Its right that just the fact that emotionally he has cheated is enough, he hasn't changed as a person, its only been 6 weeks and he's already using lines like "get over it" the barstard!!
    In conclusion the best option for me and my children is to divirce this man, I don't want my children to grown up thinking this is how relationships are and to then go and make the same mistakes with their own wives!
    It is not accepatble and I have come to the realization that this would keep on happening as it did in the past and so have made an appointment at my local solicitors to start divorce proceedings.
    The only question left I suppose is:is the grass greener on the other side? I am hoping it is, I would hate to think that I would not meet another man to share my life with, I mean I'm not thinking about that right now but these questions do crop up... In terms of the better the devil you know etc... which his family tell me often.
    I suppose that rather than anything else (ie:loving him, which has diminished over time) has stopped me from going through with the divorce before.
    THANK YOU
    amIwrong's Avatar
    amIwrong Posts: 157, Reputation: 16
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    #13

    May 14, 2008, 06:00 AM
    I have gone through that "is the grass greener" and I still am in a since. No one can really answer that. If depends on the person you end up with. For starters make sure not to end up with the same person. I mean, it's no coinsidence that some of the people we're attracted to have similar personalities as the people we were once with. If you don't want a repeat of the same situation then don't date the same person. When there are similarities don't rush to a conclusion either. It's hard, it's really hard after you have been burned. Just take your time and love yourself. You need to regain confidence and clear your mind before your able to feel good about the next situation. Best wishes.


    Quote Originally Posted by nedya
    Firstly i'd like to thankyou all for taking time out of your lives to help me with my dilema!!!
    Secondly there has been some sound advice here and although not always comfortable reading the truth hurts. Its right that just the fact that emotionally he has cheated is enough, he hasnt changed as a person, its only been 6 weeks and he's already using lines like "get over it" the barstard!!!
    In conclusion the best option for me and my children is to divirce this man, i dont want my children to grown up thinking this is how relationships are and to then go and make the same mistakes with their own wives!!
    It is not accepatble and i have come to the realization that this would keep on happening as it did in the past and so have made an appointment at my local solicitors to start divorce proceedings.
    The only question left i suppose is:is the grass greener on the other side? I am hoping it is, i would hate to think that i would not meet another man to share my life with, i mean i'm not thinking about that right now but these questions do crop up....In terms of the better the devil you know etc... which his family tell me often.
    I suppose that rather than anything else (ie:loving him, which has diminished over time) has stopped me from going through with the divorce before.
    THANK YOU
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #14

    May 14, 2008, 11:19 AM
    I'm not consoling you to actually divorce him, I would probably work to find some other approach based on my "til death do us part" mentality, but I will honor your decisions with my response.

    First, you don't need to ask his permission. Just make it happen. Let him know when it's done.

    Second, you don't need to allow this to be a hateful "how dare you you evil b*st*rd" scenario. In fact, as far as the kids are concerned, you NEED to stay calm and relaxed through it all. You need to continue to praise their father in front of him and behind his back. Do not sabotage their relationship. Don't, not ever.

    Fidelity is hard, it really is. There needs to be something going on in your lives other than the love bond that you base the ability to stay faithful on. That's hard. Apparently you two never developed that. If you think it won't happen, I suppose calling it quits is reasonable. Just stay reasonable through the process.

    You loved this man. Honor your love for him all through this divorce. You're not divorcing him because you don't love, you're divorcing because you can't share your man and want him free to find what he needs in life, because you know now that it's not you. He wants you to "get over it"... and that's exactly what you're doing. You're getting over it, getting on with your life, and WISH HIM WELL in his search... and MEAN it.

    If you can keep your good character, your happy place, your self-assurance, all of it, through this time, well, between you and me he will feel like total crap. I promise yout that. I don't want that to be your goal, of course, just know that YOU being strong and unaffected and perfectly fine over losing him will kill him. And he probably needs this to be a success in his next attempt.

    Lastly, you still need to focus primarily on your family, including your ex-to-be-husband. So many people forget this and sacrifice a lot of their children's sense of safety and sanctity over some new b/f or step-dad. That's hard.

    Make the goal your completely developed and focus prioiritized life around your family and work. Be amibitious on their behalf. Go for broke. Ride in the fun car!

    If a man does come into the picture, he needs to KNOW his place is always third behind protecting the family as a whole and parenting the children specifically, then him as your husband, but your role and commitment as mother will trump wife every day.

    The guy that knows that, loves your family, respects your life and what you're doing with it, and STILL wants to share it, that's the guy you want. None other.

    Good luck. Be strong.
    sally20's Avatar
    sally20 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    May 16, 2008, 02:41 PM
    Hi and I know what you mean my husband cheated on me to and when he told me that nothing happened I believed him mainly because before I busted him I followed him around and realized that he wasn't cheating because of the sex maybe you all need to sit down and talk about what he needs and why instead of coming to you for his needs he feels he needs to go to someone else it really worked for my husband and me we talked and he told me that he did it because he just needed to feel more loved and not in the sex way in the teenage way loved so maybe that's what you all need but ask him why he is doing what he's doing there's always a reason for every action we take and every descion we make...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #16

    May 16, 2008, 06:14 PM
    (ie:loving him, which has diminished over time) has stopped me from going through with the divorce before.
    I feel the pain your decision has caused. Maybe a separation would be better so he can make his own decision, at least that's what I thought until I read this,
    He hasn't changed as a person, its only been 6 weeks and he's already using lines like "get over it" the barstard!!
    Get rid of this bastard, and raise your kids in love and not delusion.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #17

    May 16, 2008, 06:30 PM
    You can love someone, but that doesn't make them the best marriage partner for you. He has shown with his comment of "just get over it" that he has no interest in rebuilding the broken trust. It is his role to do that, he should be bending over backwards to regain your trust and respect instead of wanting to sweep it under the rug.
    I wish you well... it is a difficulty journey and there is no easy way through it, but your self-worth is invaluable and that will be restored in the end.

    p.s... the grass often seems greener on the other side, until you realize that you still have to mow it there too!
    classylady1's Avatar
    classylady1 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Oct 25, 2009, 09:42 AM
    No doubt there were signs. Long ahead of what you're recognizing now. I have learned the hard way that men don't divorce their wives to be alone. They divorce their wives because they want someone else. Either the person is waiting in the wings, it has been going on for some time, and they want to get on with it. Or else in their narcisstic minds, the woman who will cater to their every need is out there, they just KNOW it, and you don't, and so you've got to go! You are stopping them from doing something (insert whatever thing they've always wanted to do), and they will tell you, "I've always wanted _____, and I won't let anyone stop me, and that includes YOU. Next, look up the signs of an abusive husband, the kind that looks like a good guy in public and either ignores you or downplays you privately. Is he there for you? Does he want to spend time with you, doing the same things, or at least some of the same interests or end goals? If not, TRY, TRY to heal. Them ending it is really Heaven's way of you DODGING A BULLET. You deserve to be loved. Really. Else, why be married to a narcissist (defined as someone who loves only themselves). It's really hard to recognize when you're in this relationship, because in the beginning, when there is so much infatuation going on, it works for them. And, they are nice to the person who lauds it on them, in the beginning. You can take this right through several years of marriage. But eventually, the self-absorbed guy shows up, and the control issues begin. Do you recognize him now? Now, run! I mean it. Life can be better when someone LOVES YOU BACK. I did phase one, still trying to find phase two. These kinds of men are rare, and hard to find anymore. Blame it on our culture. And QUIT blaming it on yourself.
    classylady1's Avatar
    classylady1 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Oct 25, 2009, 10:12 AM
    Oh, and one more thing: In order to know the devil, you have to be able to recognize him. I offer this link, and I mean, it will really help you: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html

    Good luck with your life. God Bless you!
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #20

    Oct 25, 2009, 10:12 AM

    This thread is 19 months old, probably resolved by now... hopefully.

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