Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    mslavender's Avatar
    mslavender Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Apr 25, 2008, 06:53 PM
    how do i chose between my husband or my happiness
    I have this boyfriend before and it last for 3 years and we already have a son... but the relationship didn't workout because I decided to leave... and we don't have communication at all and now I am already married and have 2 kids... in some years of my marriage I can say that I wanted to quit... we always have misunderstanding... he is trying to control me... and I simply don't know what to do... I feel that I am not happy anymore... many times I have tried to leave my husband but I always end up staying with him because of some reasons... and now lately, we have the same issue and its end up of staying away from him again and I decided to leave... after that incident, accidentally, I and my x boyfriend found each other in the net and to my surprised which is I don't know because the feeling was still there... and I found out that he is still single and he is waited for me for almost 7 years even of not having contact with him... and I can't explain because the time that I saw him and the time that we talked... that exactly the time I feel the freedom... confident... and happiness... which I never felt in my marriage... and when he knows that I am leaving my husband he wanted me back with my kids and start all over... honestly my heart wanted it so much... I am so happy... but my husband now don't want me to leave and he want us back... and promise to start fresh... I am so confused right now because we have in this situation before but nothing happen... so please help me... do I need to leave my husband and start fresh with my x boyfriend.. or stay with my husband and ignore my x... tnx
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #2

    Apr 25, 2008, 07:04 PM
    First you are looking at a memory, it did not work before,

    First you need to stop all contact with the ex and commit 100 percent to your marriage and get counseling if you need it.
    If that does not work, you move to live by yourself and not jump back into bed and "love" with anyone for at least a year to learn what you want and who you really are
    Dreamer's Avatar
    Dreamer Posts: 76, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    Apr 25, 2008, 07:32 PM
    Hi mslavender,

    First off, I'm sorry to hear of the complex situation that you're in. Hopefully my advice helps you in some way.

    One thing to consider is this: Typically, the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior. I'm an optimist at heart & I fully believe that people *can* change; It's just a matter of whether they really want to and feel the need to in their own hearts. With that being said, I have to wonder if maybe you're experiencing a "grass is greener on the other side" scenario? Because you are unhappy with your husband currently, the familiarity of your ex-boyfriend is comforting since you obviously shared a bond and have a son together. It's within your comfort zone so to speak. Ask yourself these questions:

    1) What was the reason you left your ex-boyfriend?

    I ask you this because you decided to leave. There was a reason of some sort for this decision. Really take the time to recall the reality of that relationship -- not the fantasy of how you're feeling now (fresh emotions can cloud your judgment) and try your best to lay aside the "high" of him still wanting you for a bit while you do so. I know from personal experience that sometimes when you're unhappy, getting out of the relationship sounds so good and when you need to feel validated (like your ex-boyfriend) is currently doing for you, you lose all sense of reasoning and make poor decisions. Your ex-boyfriend, whether knowingly or not is using your vulnerability right now. I'm almost willing to bet my fortune that if you were very satisfied with your husband, you wouldn't even give your ex-boyfriend a second thought. I know because I've been there. Not being satisfied in a relationship does funny things to the mind and makes you forget the bad parts about your ex, only being able to focus on what was right. Not a good thing.

    2) Have you considered what it might take to mend your marriage? Is he abusive to you or do you just not feel like your needs are being met?

    Obviously if he is abusing you in any way, I most definitely say leave and do it ASAP! This includes verbal, emotional abuse, etc. If it is just a matter of needs not being met, perhaps it could just be a miscommunication of what he thinks you need and vice versa? Could you maybe benefit from seeing a couple's counselor to try & work through your current issues? I'm not saying that it's always the best option to stay in a "broken marriage" because it isn't. What I am saying is that sometimes marriages are seen as easily disposable and I don't think that's giving your partner a fair chance. (Please understand that I am not accusing you of anything here -- just merely sharing some thoughts with you.) If these problems you currently have could be worked through, would you want to take that opportunity or are you emotionally dead to the thought?

    3) What is *honestly* in the best interest of your children?

    I highly recommend against staying in this marriage simply because that's what your husband wants. It takes two to make or break a relationship of any kind. One person may play a bigger role than the other in the outcome but no one is without mistakes. You half-heartedly being in that marriage won't do either of you any good and he shouldn't want a wife that isn't truly in it with him. Nor should you want a husband who accepts such a thing, although I do admire him for wanting to make it work with you.

    Promises are easy to make and easy to break (such as your hubby saying that things will be different) but as I stated in the 2nd paragraph, the best indication of what you future will be like unless a serious and sincere change takes place is past results. However, please keep in mind that the very same thing applies to your ex-boyfriend. I feel in my heart that only you can truly answer the question regarding whether you should stay with your husband. Reason being, we're only getting part of the story here. I'm sure it hasn't been all bad with him or you would have been gone a long time ago. The real question is: Is it worth it to you to put the time & effort into fixing what's broken (and this will only work if your hubby is willing to do the same) or is it time to just call it a day? Marriage is work but it's a job that can be the most fulfilling thing in life if two people who love and support each other are willing to be a team. It sounds to me like now is the time to sit down with your husband and have a genuine heart to heart talk. Find out if you're on the same page, what your future goals would be both for your marriage and in life.

    If you do decide to end your marriage, I strongly advise you not to hop into the relationship with your ex-boyfriend. Take it *really* slow and keep a real wide eye open for red flags, a repeat pattern of things from the past. Give him a chance to show you his true colors before you decide one way or another. (Give yourself a breather for a bit and work on your individual happiness and that of your precious children) However, if you do decide to stay in your marriage, I would think it's best to cool things off with your ex-boyfriend as that is only temptation for you that will hinder your healing with the hubby. If he wants to be a part of his son's life, than make sure you have clear boundaries set on your heart.

    I'm sorry this is so long. Moral of the story is: The grass is NOT greener on the other side, even though sometimes it may appear that way from afar. It always looks different when you're standing on the lawn. :)

    Sincerely,

    Dreamer
    mslavender's Avatar
    mslavender Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Apr 25, 2008, 07:52 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamer
    Hi mslavender,

    First off, I'm sorry to hear of the complex situation that you're in. Hopefully my advice helps you in some way.

    One thing to consider is this: Typically, the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior. I'm an optimist at heart & I fully believe that people *can* change; It's just a matter of whether or not they really want to and feel the need to in their own hearts. With that being said, I have to wonder if maybe you're experiencing a "grass is greener on the other side" scenario? Because you are unhappy with your husband currently, the familiarity of your ex-boyfriend is comforting since you obviously shared a bond and have a son together. It's within your comfort zone so to speak. Ask yourself these questions:

    1) What was the reason you left your ex-boyfriend?

    I ask you this because you decided to leave. There was a reason of some sort for this decision. Really take the time to recall the reality of that relationship -- not the fantasy of how you're feeling now (fresh emotions can cloud your judgment) and try your best to lay aside the "high" of him still wanting you for a bit while you do so. I know from personal experience that sometimes when you're unhappy, getting out of the relationship sounds so good and when you need to feel validated (like your ex-boyfriend) is currently doing for you, you lose all sense of reasoning and make poor decisions. Your ex-boyfriend, whether knowingly or not is using your vulnerability right now. I'm almost willing to bet my fortune that if you were very satisfied with your husband, you wouldn't even give your ex-boyfriend a second thought. I know because I've been there. Not being satisfied in a relationship does funny things to the mind and makes you forget the bad parts about your ex, only being able to focus on what was right. Not a good thing.

    2) Have you considered what it might take to mend your marriage? Is he abusive to you or do you just not feel like your needs are being met?

    Obviously if he is abusing you in any way, I most definitely say leave and do it ASAP! This includes verbal, emotional abuse, etc. If it is just a matter of needs not being met, perhaps it could just be a miscommunication of what he thinks you need and vice versa? Could you maybe benefit from seeing a couple's counselor to try & work through your current issues? I'm not saying that it's always the best option to stay in a "broken marriage" because it isn't. What I am saying is that sometimes marriages are seen as easily disposable and I don't think that's giving your partner a fair chance. (Please understand that I am not accusing you of anything here -- just merely sharing some thoughts with you.) If these problems you currently have could be worked through, would you want to take that opportunity or are you emotionally dead to the thought?

    3) What is *honestly* in the best interest of your children?

    I highly recommend against staying in this marriage simply because that's what your husband wants. It takes two to make or break a relationship of any kind. One person may play a bigger role than the other in the outcome but no one is without mistakes. You half-heartedly being in that marriage won't do either of you any good and he shouldn't want a wife that isn't truly in it with him. Nor should you want a husband who accepts such a thing, although I do admire him for wanting to make it work with you.

    Promises are easy to make and easy to break (such as your hubby saying that things will be different) but as I stated in the 2nd paragraph, the best indication of what you future will be like unless a serious and sincere change takes place is past results. However, please keep in mind that the very same thing applies to your ex-boyfriend. I feel in my heart that only you can truly answer the question regarding whether or not you should stay with your husband. Reason being, we're only getting part of the story here. I'm sure it hasn't been all bad with him or you would have been gone a long time ago. The real question is: Is it worth it to you to put the time & effort into fixing what's broken (and this will only work if your hubby is willing to do the same) or is it time to just call it a day? Marriage is work but it's a job that can be the most fulfilling thing in life if two people who love and support each other are willing to be a team. It sounds to me like now is the time to sit down with your husband and have a genuine heart to heart talk. Find out if you're on the same page, what your future goals would be both for your marriage and in life.

    If you do decide to end your marriage, I strongly advise you not to hop into the relationship with your ex-boyfriend. Take it *really* slow and keep a real wide eye open for red flags, a repeat pattern of things from the past. Give him a chance to show you his true colors before you decide one way or another. (Give yourself a breather for a bit and work on your individual happiness and that of your precious children) However, if you do decide to stay in your marriage, I would think it's best to cool things off with your ex-boyfriend as that is only temptation for you that will hinder your healing with the hubby. If he wants to be a part of his son's life, than make sure you have clear boundaries set on your heart.

    I'm sorry this is so long. Moral of the story is: The grass is NOT greener on the other side, even though sometimes it may appear that way from afar. It always looks different when you're standing on the lawn. :)

    Sincerely,

    Dreamer

    Thank you so much... I really appreciate your message... it really a big help for me... thanks a lot!
    Dreamer's Avatar
    Dreamer Posts: 76, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member
     
    #5

    Apr 25, 2008, 09:08 PM
    You are very welcome! I'm so glad that I could help you. It does my heart good to hear that. :) Best wishes to you. Just go slow, think things through really well and then make a decision when your emotions have settled down a bit. There's no need to rush, especially when the matter at hand is as important as your happiness, your children and your marriage. Take care! Thanks so much for your feedback. I really appreciate that.

    Quote Originally Posted by mslavender
    thank you so much... i really appreciate your message... it really a big help for me... thanks a lot!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #6

    Apr 26, 2008, 06:05 AM
    do I need to leave my husband and start fresh with my x boyfriend.. or stay with my husband and ignore my x... tnx
    Jumping from man to man, is not your solution, and may I point out, this boyfriend failed to make you happy before either. Maybe your thrilled he is back in your life again, but given your unhappiness with your husband, you probably are looking for something that may not be real. I think you would be better served without being with either man for a while, to give you a chance to be alone, and start handling your life in a more independent way, without influence from either man. You need to grow, and learn, things about yourself at this time, to find out how to love yourself without a man, making you happy. Learn to love yourself, and then decide who to share it with. Depending on others to make you happy is a waste, and not healthy. I think once you feel better about yourself, you can better clear up some of the baggage in your life. I wish you could find someone who is qualified to guide you through this process.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

How to chose a leader [ 2 Answers ]

How are leaders chosen in US, France, Australia, Thailand?

Did I chose the right path? [ 13 Answers ]

A few months ago, I met a great man and fell in love almost at first sight. We went out together for a few weeks when I argued with my parents and I ended up moving in with my boyfriend. Well at first it was great; we were completely in love with each other and were even considering getting married...

Happiness techniques? [ 14 Answers ]

I know this is probably a lame question, but if there's anyone else out there like me, in times of need it's nice to read some advice. See, I am feeling really distressed right now, I am at work and I have 6 hours left of my shift. I am generally happy... but today I have a lump in my throat...

Who do I chose [ 1 Answers ]

OK I like two guy who are bestfriends in fact their like me and one of my best friends the one that most like me sometimes acts retarded was in a depretion (not any more) intellegent with little to no comonsence will do anything to have a good time in that way he is exactly like me kind of scary...

I like both of them but they want me to chose now [ 9 Answers ]

So I am currently talking to two guys that I like a lot, both go to my school and are older than me. Ive dated guy one before and had a huge crush on guy two for like 4 years but haven't ever done anything about it. They are friends with each other and I dotn want to ruin their relationship but I...


View more questions Search