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crjslick50 · Apr 21, 2008, 08:47 PM

My first wife Teresa passed May 12, 2004 she was 32. I have a beautiful daughter and son. I remarried Dec 07 because I wanted them to have a good female role model and my new wife is wonderful in every way. She is a paramedic, loves my children and loves me very much. I do care deeply about her but am realizing I remarried so my kids could have a mom. I find myself always thinking about Teresa, I miss her so badly and in the last 2 weeks I realized I am still so in love with Teresa. It hurts so bad still. Will these feelings ever go away? Every time my wife goes on duty I watch home movies that Teresa is in or I will spray a little of her perfume I feel like I am cheating on my wife. Should I get out of this marriage? Am I just crazy? I am 37 and it has been 4 years it feels like yesterday to me...

George_1950 · Apr 21, 2008, 09:04 PM

Hello, and very sorry for your loss and difficulty. This sounds like post-traumatic stress, the unresolved type. Lots of feelings finding there way to the surface. I would want to find someone trained in this area to talk with. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time. No, you should not get out of your marriage. You know that your life is unique, but you will not have to re-invent the wheel.

crjslick50 · Apr 21, 2008, 09:46 PM

Yes a lot of feelings. I mean I don't compare her to my current wife at all. I just want her back I know I must sound selfish and I realize how blessed I am for my 2 wonderful children, and I know she is gone. I feel so cheated. Teresa had 4 open heart surgeries and against all medical advice we had 3 beautiful babies. Our first son Brian passed 1 month old because of a mistake the hospital made and even though Teresa had a heart issue her death was so unexpected. She died in my arms and I could do nothing. God this is so hard to even think about

Alty · Apr 21, 2008, 09:51 PM

Honey you are still grieving. You need to go to counselling and resolve this. Personally I don't think that you are cheating on your new wife, but she does have the right to know how you feel. Give this marriage a chance if you love your second wife, but if you don't then it's doomed to fail anyway, regardless of how you are feeling about your first wife. Therapy honey, it will help you get on with your life. My heart aches for your loss, I wish you all the best dear.

Good Luck.

anet · Apr 22, 2008, 08:47 PM

I am sorry for your loss. Yea you made me cry:(

George_1950 · Apr 22, 2008, 08:57 PM

Hi cr: lots of folks thinking about you and yours, and pulling for you all. Hope you've had a good day.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 23, 2008, 05:25 AM

Over the years I have lost two wife's. And yes, you will always love your past wife who died with all of your heart. ** I would be shocked if you did not. There is a part of you that will be part of her. But again we have to realise that she is gone, and all of our love can not bring her back and we have to continue and move on with our life. It souns like this is a perfect example of needing some counseling to help you fild all the wonderful things about your new wife and allow her to share in your love also. In these cases you can love her also.

crjslick50 · Apr 24, 2008, 09:20 PM

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. There is a group held at a church once a week for people like myself and or similar situations, I plan on attending. The night I posted the question I was really upset and overwhelmed with feelings of guilt wondering what I could have done differently that would have saved Teresa's life. I will take things one day at a time as I am so grateful for what I have. Later in the night that I posted the question on this forum I asked myself "how would Teresa handle this? What would she want me to do?" and I felt better oddly. Again thanks everyone for the prayers and advice.

happyJenny · Apr 28, 2008, 11:07 AM

One of my friend had the same issue.His wife passed when she was 35.My friend could not love any one for a long long time.He did pay so much money for phycologist and took so much pills.Nothing did help out at that time.But day by day he got through it.It took 5 years for him to be able to feel real happy and took 8 years for him to love a again.He told me how did he feel when he saw him wifegetting weaker and weaker but he could not do anything.but see he got through it.I believe your first wants to see you are happy and be able to make a happy life for your children,yourself and new family.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 28, 2008, 11:56 AM

I still "talk" to mine every now and then, I will be honest I guess you post made me feel a little guity for not talking to them for a bit, after some years over 12 on the last one, the love and the memory does not stop but as you grow and move on with your life, sometimes you get so busy in life and living, I always remember then on special days Mothers day, their birthdays and the such, and my new wife aware I had lost two wife's is normally fairly understanding.

And I had the support of my children which was a real help also.
In the end nothing and no one can take that love away and it will always be that special love you have for them,

crjslick50 · May 9, 2008, 06:14 AM

Just wanted to report that I went to the church group meeting for people who have lost there spouse and I met many people a few with almost same type of situation as mine. I got the nerve to start talking about my story and before I knew it I was choking up on the verge of crying and could not go any further. Anyway I felt better and if anything I realized that what I am going through is not unique and is common to a certain point. I will keep going and hope to get the answers I am looking for. Will keep updating. Again thank you all...

George_1950 · May 9, 2008, 02:24 PM

Very glad you felt better, and keep it up; and let us know. Thanks.

mysticalgirl · Jun 16, 2008, 04:13 PM

Awww I am so sorry to hear this and this just made me cry! :( but you know what you will be able to move on with time and help.. don't punish yourself by feeling this way... just seek help and remember that I'm sure your wife wanted you to be happy.. take care and best of luck forever!

sylvan_1998 · Jun 17, 2008, 06:52 AM

Please read www.ywbb.org There are many people out there like you and you will have a forum. People all grieve at their own pace. As I have not lost a spouse, I can not even begin to imagine the emotions you are going through.

People at this other bb will be able to help. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

fullseen · Mar 7, 2012, 08:02 PM

I talk with my wife every day,she was only 31 when she went,and now 11 months later I feel the date is coming.
I've been taught to go on and to be strong,so that's what I did.
My daughter is 8 now and is always on my side.
Her strength keeps my going(I know it should be the other way around).
Only the thought of loving another woman makes my feel like I'm cheating on my wife.
The promise of being hers for the rest of my life is locked in my heart and mind.
But the knowledge to grow old by myself makes me feel so lonely.
I don't have friends or family where I can turn to talk to or to get any support.

I'm not used to share my problems and emotions with others but somehow I felt the need to answer you.
This is probably not the answer you've been waiting for(it's sure not the answer I wanted to write)
But for me it helps to know that I'm not alone with this kind of grief.
I hope it will do the same for you.

JudyKayTee · Mar 8, 2012, 02:23 PM

This question was asked in 2008 - hopefully the OP will come back or someone researching wll find your response.

I'm sure I answered this before - I was widowed in 2007. I know the heartache - and I actually ache for you.

I know the loneliness and the feeling that seeing another person is cheating. It took me a long time to refer to things as "mine" instead of "ours." The first time (and it was almost a year after he passed) I referred to myself as a widow I went home and cried. I introduced myself as his wife up until that day.

It's a long, hard road - I promise you it gets better. Your loss will always be there but eventually you reach a point where you can breathe again (if you know what I mean).

Group did not work for me. I know it works for other people.

Is there anything anyone here can do to help you - talk, listen, discuss?

I remember the weekly anniversaries of his death, the monthly, the yearly.

You do your wife no honor if you lock yourself in the house and your life for all purposes stops when hers stopped - know how I know that? My late husband told me.

My wish for you is peace.

Please come back and let us know if there's anything we can do. There were many nights when I couldn't sleep, came on AMHD - and somebody always listened. She posted earlier so I'll refer to her by name - Alty held my hand via the Internet so many nights when I didn't care if the sun ever came up in the morning.

Come back and share with us, please.

crjslick50 · Sep 30, 2012, 06:20 PM

Quick update. Have gotten divorced and as time goes by I have found that I made a lot of rash decision's after Teresa's passing and can now say I am grateful for what I have had and the memories I will always treasure. I heard a saying that all good things must end otherwise they never would. Really I hate that saying but I still thank all that wrote me and cared about me and what I was going through.