[ijm770]

Hello forum, firstly have to say reading the posts here the last few months has been a great help to me, thanks all...

Onto my situation...

My ex-gf split up with me 7 months ago, I have to admit mainly through my mistakes, I didn't really place her first in the relationship, neglected her emotionally and was selfish. We had a house together, so had to go through the hassle of selling it, while still living there.

We have had NC for 4 months now, on my insistence, it was too hard before. She has a new boyfriend , unfortunately someone I know, fortunatley I haven't seen them together yet.

So to the crux of things... I'm still finding it soooo hard to move on, I still think about her every day, from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Two of my best friends are seeing her best friends so I have sort of lost contact with them, it has been quite awkward for them as well I think! I feel I am dwelling on things far too much, I feel guilty about the things I did in the relationship. My friends are "you just have to move on" which although I know is true still hurts to hear it.

I saw her last week, she didn't see me and it just really cut me up, I wanted to go and chat with her but was too frightened for her to see me as as sad, pathetic person still cut up with the breakup of our relationship.

I pi**es me off that I feel like this, sometimes I feel that I have been down long enough about this and I want to get over it, but it just doesn't happen, I want to get over things but it just doesn't seem to be happening.

So Im after some advice from fellow forumites, have you guys any tips to make things a bit easier?

[COOKIE MONSTER]

It only gets easier with time I'm afraid.to get some closure write her a letter or an email just to get things off your chest,[but don't send it]well you can if you really want to.it helped me I was with a guy 2years and we had fun and romantic times,when we wasn't arguing.but the arguments got worse and I ended it,he never believed anything I said.so 2years later I sent him a letter saying that I needed closure and I had to get things off my chest,it ended up about 3 A4 pages long both sides of all the things id said or felt and he hadn't listened or didn't believe me.I felt so much better after I put it in the post box,I didn't care if he didn't read it,it was just to get it off my chest.I used to think about him everyday for 2years and enough was enough I sent it and not thought about him since except in situations like this.I seen him about 3weeks after I sent it, no feelings came back at all,he stopped for a minute to say hi and said he got it etc I did hope he wouldn't see me but he did

It could help you like it did me

Let me know how you go on

[SJB1701E]

First, stop blaming yourself. This will kill you because you will keep dwelling on every little instance you could have made a better choice. People make mistakes and that is life. Relationships fail because partners stop working on it. A relationship like anything else worthwhile takes a lot of energy and WORK and at no point should that work ever stop, because that it when the relationship will fail. You both made mistakes. BOTH of you. So stop shouldering all the blame.

Second, you should never place someone completely before yourself. Nor should you place someone beneath yourself. A relationship is about equal partnership. Give and take, take and give. No one person should be doing all the giving or all the taking. You shouldn't have put her first or yourself first, you should have put her equal to you. You should always keep part of your life for you and your interests separate from your partner. Do things just for yourself. No one should be the center of your universe but you. This is not being selfish, its being healthy. Its only selfish if you don't give to your partner as well. You need to find a balance between your life as an individual and your life as a partner, that's where equality comes in.

Third, remember what I just said about time for you and your interests? This is the time for you to embrace that whether you want to or not. I know you don't feel like doing anything but sitting in self pity, but now is the time to stop it. Keep doing NC. Join a gym. Exercise! Most people hate exercise, yours truly included, but believe me it helps. Even if its just going for walks. It helps clear your head and it releases endorphins, the chemical that causes feelings of happiness and well being. The more strenuous the exercise, the better you will feel. Being physically healthy will help your mental health as well. Get out of the house as much as possible. Sign up for a class to learn about something you are interested in. Get out and meet new people. Do things for you. This is a time when you can be selfish, because right now, making yourself feel better is your number one priority. Learn to love yourself. Get out and try new things, break out of your comfort zone, and KEEP BUSY! That can't be stressed enough, KEEP BUSY!! Live your life. Force yourself to get out and do these things even though you don't feel like it. You'll be glad you did once you get started.

[ijm770]

Thanks both for the great advice;

Cookie I think I will write that letter, it may be quite a long one! Although I would definitely NOT post it.

SJB, you are right in what you say, dwelling on the mistakes you have made in a relationship is the wrong way to go, you end up analysing every mistake that you made and thinking about what you should have done, really a bit of waste of time and a surefire way to send you nuts!

I however don't think our relationship was an equal one, I was selfish, I made sure that I did many things that I wanted to do, while neglecting my ex, there has to be a balance as you say and I don't think I got that part right, I hope I will learn from this and not make the same mistake the next time, if there is a next time!

I have been finding time to exercise, Im not gym person, but I have taken up cycling, and I do find it very therapeutic, I find it allows me to think clearly about a lot of things without stressing me out, plus as you say the positive feelings it gives you are great.

Learning to love yourself, wow... it's something I have great trouble doing

I keep on meaning to try and break out my comfort zone, I know it could bring benefits it's just something I find really hard to do, I keep on trying to pluck up the courage to do something that will stretch my boundaries a bit though... but it's not happened... yet, what sort of things have you guys tried?

[SJB1701E]

Well for starters there is this wonderful sticky List of things to do after a breakup

Combining excersise with a group activity is good like martial arts, sports, things like that. Teach yourself something new like cooking. A cooking class is a good place to meet girls plus any woman would love you if you could cook them gourmet meals haha. Look for community groups that have interests similar to yours. Maybe a bicycling club? You need 3 key things: something you're interested in, a group to do it with, and the motivation to do it. The last ones the tricky one but you have to force yourself. If you are religious most places of worship have all kinds of activities groups. The point is meet new people and get your mind off things. Break your routine. Look at the things you like doing or would like to learn how to do and seek out other people who enjoy the same thing.

[jpm247]

Ljm770 - I know what your going through man, we all do.

I bumped into my ex last week with her new man, I survived it, and had a great weekend, and met a girl, and got her number and have a date lined up on Wednesday this week.

Keep digging deep, its not a nice time when you get dumped, its horrid, especially if you invested heavilly in the relationship and gave a hell of a lot.

My advice, keep doing the cycling, and also have you tried a jive dance class or a salsa class?

There a lot of great women in these places, young and old, and most of all they are fun.

I went for the first time the other week and had a great time. It made me realise that there are other girls out there.

Yes it won't be your ex, but there are others out there, who probably will be fun and be good to meet.

I miss my ex everyday still at the moment, and this date on Wednesday will my first date with anyone new, but I'm just going to have fun and take it easy.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but it is important that you keep busy. Group activities like the jive or salsa are great as you keep active which takes the mind out of the game for a bit, and you learn a new skill.

This site is amazing as there are so many people going through the crap of a breakup. Mine happened just before christmas, and its taken me 5 months to get to the point that I'm ready to date again.

Hell even if I get stood up on weds, I don't mind as at least I know that I am getting better.

It sucks but get to that jive class, don't worry about going on your own its great fun.

Try and stop worrying about your ex and what she is doing, that's her business now.

Your business is you.

Make it good business!