[HeadsHigh]

Congratulations on your progress.

when I hear about her, my heart jumps a little bit. I get nervous/anxious

Im exactly the same. Its like time stops for a couple of seconds and then I'm resusatated.

You can't put anything off for this girl... the chances are that you will bump into her at some point so why not get it over and done with?

[ISneezeFunny]

To be honest with you, the "jumping of the heart" happened to me too... it gets old after a while.

As far as the concert, I say... go for it. Why live your life based on her, right? You want to go to the concert, go to the concert. If you see her there, enjoy it... say hi, be polite, but enjoy the heck out of the concert. Don't mind her.

[bigbird213]

I think it comes down to fear of knowing things that will upset me. The funny part is, I've been so adamant about not letting that happen, I don't even know if it would bother me. I don't even really know if I want to go to the concert, but I'll try to leave her out of the decision.

[ISneezeFunny]

Good man. And if she does see you, be sure to casually flex.

... or pick up a girl before you run into her. And casually forget the ex's name when introducing new girl.. . if you do, I'll send you some money.

[bigbird213]

I have a week to plan this out, I'm sure I can think of something good...

To be honest, I'd like to see her reaction to seeing me again after 4 month of working out and eating right.. Might be interesting :p Maybe I could catch a bit of jealousy :)

[ISneezeFunny]

or you could be a completely @ss and did what I did when I ran into my ex at a club.

... I was with some girl... random girl... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turn around, it was her.

mind you, I was... pretty... um... not myself. And it was the fourth of July.

... so... I stood at attention, and I saluted her. Then returned to the girl.

... I think... she got the message...

[Ash123]

The goal is indifference. One day you'll get there.

If I was you I'd just always do what you think will be the most fun. If you ever cross paths it will be a small test - that you will pass - and will not be as bad as your mind thinks it might... You've come a long way. Congrats! You're in great shape physically and mentally!

[bigbird213]

Thanks,

Its going to be a last minute decision so I guess I'll just see what happens then. I'd like to prove to myself that I won't be bothered, but I feel like if I saw her that not being "herself" (as in how I knew her back then) it would bother me... which is funny since I'm not the same person either...

[Ash123]

It may bother you. But that is OK. You are human... But it won't ruin your life. And it may not even happen... Go have fun and come straight here if any problems at all!

We'll take care of it!

[talaniman]

Wouldn't you be mad burning all that emotional energy on something that may not happen?

[bigbird213]

Wouldn't you be mad burning all that emotional energy on something that may not happen??

That's a good perspective on it, almost like I'd be wasting all that time and energy to find out that there was no reason to in the beginning at all...

[bigbird213]

Another bit of an update - Its been long enough now :)

I guess total time now I'm looking at somewhere just beyond 4 months. Broken down into days, that's a hell of a long time. Doesn't quite seem so long ago that I was in much worse shape than I am today - but it seemed like today was forever away then...

Had a bit of a test, actually more like two, today. The first was when I was playing cards with my friend and his sister. His sister, who knows my ex through friends, innocently said that she is "dating some boy [blah blah blah]" and my mind immedately went a little numb. My heart dropped, my face went flush, and I sort of freaked - inside. On the outside, I seemed normal, except I probably shut up quick for a few minutes. I didn't let it show, but hearing that bothered me. Not only that, she mentioned that she "goes to work late so that he doesn't see her without makeup on". That bothered me just since it is one of those "cute" gestures new couples do. Ugh - sickening :( I was bothered, but to be honest (I don't know if you can tell by my post) I'm doing alright with it now... Still sucks, but im alright (not to mention im fairly sure i know who it is based on other "clues" she said.

Later in the night I also heard things from someone different about how she has been doing. The general gist of the talk was that she had quit her job, didn't have a job for a while, and her parents were being tough on her. She was paying rent now, covering all her own bills, etc, etc... I think that only bothered me in a "I feel bad" sort of way - or that she is changing and certainly doesn't sound like the person I knew. That doesn't surprise me, but it doesn't make me happy either - so sue me....

After writing that, it all sounds so stupid, but I can't help but be a little upset about it. Don't get me wrong, im not crying - but I feel like some of the things that were said were lies now. In all honesty, I do feel like a weight was lifted, I'm not afraid of hearing things anymore, but still not happy....

I'm not going to put down this other guy, plus im not positive who he is, but I will say if it is the same guy then she definately had a "downgrade" which actually makes me feel worse, not better. I also feel like I am doing better in the situation since most everything that happened to me since the breakup has been positive, and quite the opposite for her....

I appreciate any advice/words anyone has for me. I'm sure I'll hear this, so i'll write it down for myself: She isn't my concernt anymore, and I shouldn't be worried about what she is doing or who she is becoming. Saying that is fine, living it is a little harder, plus thinking thoughts about her being "with" another guy (in a physical sense) hurts a bit - brings up those feelings of being "left behind".

Thanks for letting me vent, just had to get all that out of my head...

Time for bed - goodnight!

[Ithappenstoall]

Everyone has a few bumps in the road, and despite you hearing something about her, I think that you are almost there in terms of being over her. Yeah it stings a little but the way you acted was very positve. KEEP IT UP ! Now those thoughts that cross your mind right now, as you think about it step back and think of how you were yesterday and the day before, in one word FINE, No worries. Get that in your head as some of these thoughts cross your mind. In addition when they do appear, quickly think of something else or quickly get yourself busy, that also helps.
Best Regards.

[talaniman]

Way back in yesteryear, my ex fiancé sent my mom a wedding invitation, about a year after the break up. Devastating, for about 10 minutes, and then the feelings passed as I had a few chores to help with.

The point, don't sit to long in a spot your not comfortable in. Let those feelings pass, or move to better ground.

It always helped me, when I realized it wasn't me stirring up old memories, it was the well meaning folks around me. That's where the standard answer came about for all those times, thats nice, I'm glad for her, and then its on to things that matter.

[bigbird213]

Thanks guys,

After sleeping on it I don't really feel any worse. The part that bugs me is having her on my mind so much more than normal lately. On top of that, it makes me feel like I'm wasting my time thinking about her when she is obviously busy doing other things. I don't like feeling like I'm wasting my time.

Hopefully the constant thoughts will fade soon - working on keeping busy...

[Ithappenstoall]

Keep doing what you are doing... it is the right thing

[bigbird213]

So I'm back pretty soon...

Have been hanging around the site a little more than normal lately, in fact she has been on my mind in some capacity everyday now for a week or so. It's a bit frusterating as I feel like I'm moving backwards instead of forward. I'm sure it has to do with me being back in school, and having memories of last semester, coupled with all the free time and lack of friends/activities that I had at home here..

Had my first dream about her in a while last night, no need to go into details, but needless to say it involved her and me, then her and other guys with me present and it just wasn't fun at all.. Obviously, it means nothing more than I was thinking about her, but it doesn't evoke great emotions. I'm just hoping this semester doesn't turn out to last an eternity - it feels like school is the largest roadblock for me now... keeping me thinking about her.

[HeadsHigh]

Its pretty amazing how a person, just one person out of the 6+ billion others out there becomes so important to us. We pin our hopes and dreams on being with that person and when their no longer around it seems that no one else can fill those boots. That person is gone emotionally and physically so why do we inflict this suffocating mixture of emotional turmoil and sheer anxiety on ourselves when we are forced to face the world without that one insignificant person.

Bigbird your ex is just like mine - nothing but a drop in the ocean! I know exactly what you're going through, it feels as though I'm going backwards with regards to my healing process just when I thought things were going pretty damn well. I get to see her with her new man for the first time tomorrow, how lucky am I?

[bigbird213]

Well I hope you guys don't mind me digging up this old thread. Been a twist to the story lately and I'd like some opinions about how to proceed.

For the record, its been NC the entire way and lately I have been feeling fine. I don't think there is anything that brings me down about it anymore, and for the past month or two I haven't had a down moment about it. So that's how I stand at the moment.

For the twist: A few days ago, she messages me online. Out the blue, really startled me to see her name after 7 months of no contact. I was nervous because it was such a shock to me.

Anyway, the reason she messaged me was that she heard about the passing of my grandmother a few weeks earlier and wanted to let me know she was sorry. I didn't get the message, so I wrote her a short email saying thank you and I appreciate it. The next day, she messages me online again to say "I got your email and thought it would be easier to tell you here than in an email". (Excuse?) That turned into a conversation for about an hour and a half catching up, etc. It was awkward at first, but was actually really nice to hear from her and I got the impression she thought the same.

Then, two days go by and I don't hear from her. Last night she sent me another message (I wasn't at the computer) about something which didn't warrant her sending me a message at all.

So this is where I am at... I'm not really sure if she is 'playing at' anything or just trying to talk to me. Its weird after so long, so I was a little nervous that she might be missing me or something. I Don't see myself getting back together with her, and don't see myself in a relationship with anyone for a while - no desire to.

Basically, I'm looking for input on the contact bit. I don't really see the harm in talking to her once in a while, and was thinking of actually messaging her at some point.

The contact we have had hasn't bothered me at all. Obviously, it makes me think about her more than normal, but they aren't thoughts that get me down or depress me - just nostalgic feelings.

So I'm torn because it feels like I'm doing the "wrong" thing simply because for the longest time any sort of contact would have been absolutely banned.

Anyone been there, or have any suggestions? I know it's the sort of thing that only I can decide, but any advice is appreciated. Sorry for writing so much, Been a while since I have updated, so it took a bit to get it all down.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Like you said, talking to her hasn't really brought up any sad or depressed feelings... but it has brought you back to AMHD. By the way, nice to see you are still alive bird.

Who really knows why she initiated contact that time without a real reason, trying to decipher and understand it is just wasting more energy on a subject that I know you have already exhausted. Frankly I think she is just fishing for your feelings... Could be wrong though, maybe she genuinely wants to be your friend or is looking to start something again. I and nobody except her know. If it doesn't bother you than you can continue talking to her if its what you want. I think you should just be careful, as you are not "fully" over it and those stupid feelings of ours have a way of sneaking back into our heads. Been there. I say don't make this a habit, maybe talk to her once in a while but be aware of how you feel the more you talk to her, and if those crappy feelings start to return than you know what you have to do.