Check out some similar questions!

bigbird213 · Apr 20, 2008, 08:32 AM

I'll keep this one quick, just looking for a bit if insight...

Without getting into specifics:

-Girlfriend wants space, trying to handle personal problems.
-Doesn't want to "break up", afraid of losing me forever
-She is trying to feel things out without me, her personal problems being she is TOO dependent which leads to obsession, anger, treating me poorly
-The "space" apart is meant to (hopefully) allow her to not take me for granted and appreciate the time we get more = less stupid arguing about nothing

Here's the problem, she gets lonely too quick (due to the constant communication we had, both our problems, I admit). She will be terribly upset after one day, and call me. I told her about it and said by doing that she won't be able to experience what she wants, life without me being her support.

As the relationship isn't necessarily over (yet I guess), how do I handle if she calls? (right now the cells dead and I'm not rushing to charge it :)) Do I let it go and then call after time has passed? I don't want to answer, but sometimes its hard to watch the phone ring when you know someone you care about so much is so upset.

talaniman · Apr 20, 2008, 09:36 AM

Maybe it would be best to set some boundaries or time limits. And stick to them.

bigbird213 · Apr 20, 2008, 10:48 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybe it would be best to set some boundaries or time limits. And stick to them.

Tal, can you elaborate on that a little? I already told her that talking everyday isn't going to work and mentioned that seeing each other is not a good idea. Do you mean a time limit as in we will re-discuss this on such and such date?

ampersandra · Apr 20, 2008, 11:08 AM

Talaniman is right. And just to add on what he's said as well as your question, it seems that you'll have to decide the boundaries for yourself and actually enforce them. YOU are the one in the situation. YOU know all the little details that we don't.

Telling her that "it's not a good idea" isn't going to make her get the message if you're still spoiling her by picking up the phone anyway. Depending on your situation, you may want to limit the topics you two talk about or setting a time limit per day or week. Tell her to talk to other friends and/or family members about her problems.

bigbird213 · Apr 20, 2008, 04:45 PM

Thanks,

Maybe I shouldn't have said "its not a good idea". I made it a bit stronger than that in person, and she agreed - so far so good.

This is easier than I thought it would be. The first time it nearly killed me, I guess I learned from the first time. Don't get me wrong, there are down moments, but I'm still functional.

bigbird213 · Apr 21, 2008, 10:25 AM

Quick Update:

I got an email from her last night telling me how hard this is and how much she hates it. She also heard I had car trouble and was making sure everything was all right. Didn't respond yet, I really want to give her what she wants... space.

I guess these symptoms are the exact reason she wants to do this... she doesn't like this reliance.

bigbird213 · Apr 22, 2008, 07:01 AM

I have a question for anyone who might be reading this:

This morning I can't help but be a little bit upset. I haven't really been upset for some reason, but this morning I am. My question is this:

I can't help but mull over the reason she gave me for the "break"... she doesn't like how reliant she is on me, and how that makes her treat me, and the stupid fights it causes. This all sounds good to me, but do you think it was a load of crap? Is it a waste of time to think about this?

Thanks for any answers, sometimes it just helps to get it all down so I can reread it.

Romefalls19 · Apr 22, 2008, 07:54 AM

Yea big bird... It is a waste of time to think about because ultimately only your ex knows the real reason why she ended it... It's hard to say that the reason is a load of crap, but I won't sit here and tell you that I don't ponder over the question myself from time to time. All you can do is hope she has the respect for you that it was the truth and if your situation is like mine, the truth will become apparent in due time.

Don't make the mistake I did and think that your ex is too good of a person and she would never lie to you and she's not like that. Because they are, and you need to remember the person she was and the person she is are no longer the same.

bigbird213 · Apr 22, 2008, 07:59 AM

Thanks Rome,
I know I shouldn't think about it, but as I sure you know, it is easier said than done.

Romefalls19 · Apr 22, 2008, 08:11 AM

Yea, I sat and dwelled on the reasons she broke up with me(possessive and jealousy) and then went out and set goals to defeat those problems and I went to counseling, took jealousy courses online and read countless books. She showed no care about it in the world, took it as a big joke and would post things about it on her myspace or friends myspace mocking me. So when I found this out, NC set it and now it's her wanting to talk and be friends and I simply put, don't care.

talaniman · Apr 22, 2008, 08:32 AM

I often wonder why guys let a female control the whole relationship, and even stay, and go through the misery, and pain, of trying to please a confused partner, who wants their cake, and eat it to. Her reasons aren't crap at all, just her way of separating her from you. But it doesn't show that willingness to work together, to solve your issues, to the benefit of you both, now does it? Her actions are the opposite, and for whatever reason, she is trying to slowly wean herself from you. That's hard to take, but examine things for yourself, and see if that's the conclusion you reach. She and you will eventually come to the same conclusion, and stop playing this game, and get to the root. Somebodies feelings have changed, and is not expressing them in a honest way.

bigbird213 · Apr 22, 2008, 09:03 AM

Thanks Tal,
I don't know if I can agree she isn't expressing them in an honest way. I'm not sure I mentioned it, but she cited many reasons some including that she just isn't happy anymore, wants to be happy again, can't stand fighting over stupid things, etc... I think she's trying to be honest, but probably just as confused as I am... in any case, it doesn't matter

Some of these women are a real piece of work, want to break contact for a while but want to tell you how hard it is for them... go figure

Romefalls19 · Apr 22, 2008, 09:12 AM

Who cares if its hard for them! Did they care that it was heartbreaking to watch them walk away from a relationship you helped build? Nope didn't think so, you have to remember that. You owe nothing to her, as she owes nothing to you. The more you worry about how she feels the longer you delay the healing process. And if you're anything like me, you don't want to feel the pain for long so just box up those memories and put them on a shelf in the back of the closest. This is a line from a song I wrote about how my ex still wanted to keep in touch

"If you're strong enough to walk away from us, I'm strong enough to walk away from you"

bigbird213 · Apr 22, 2008, 09:40 AM

Its kind of odd, it really is...

I've been through this before with the same girl, and it really crushed me to bits. I was out of it for about 5 months, terrible. This time through, its not so bad. I just really like to get my thoughts off my chest, and this place was great to me the first time. I guess I learned from the first time before getting involved with her again, as I'm not so disabled. The sadness is there, but its not the sadness which I obsess about for days on end and not get out of bed...

Thank God I learned something last time...

bigbird213 · Apr 22, 2008, 02:08 PM

Just to keep my thoughts together:

I decided to respond to the email. Basically all I said was the car trouble was solved, everything worked out, and I'm sorry its so hard on her, but she asked for this and I'm giving her what she wants...

Now before you get angry with me because I don't owe her that, remember that we haven't technically "broken up", but are taking some space from each other to see where we stand...

bigbird213 · Apr 22, 2008, 08:41 PM

Another thought...

For the past few days I have stayed away from going on instant messengers because I am afraid she won't be able to resist the temptation to talk to me. I don't really like avoiding her like this, am I being mature or is it just the smart thing for me to do? I'm afraid if she is tempted, and does, message me, then it might screw with my head after I've been feeling better than I thought I would for the past few days...

Any thoughts?

talaniman · Apr 23, 2008, 07:02 AM

I can't help but think she wants to break away, but can't at this time. She is more afraid of you leaving, and moving on, leaving her alone.

bigbird213 · Apr 23, 2008, 08:47 AM

Tal I get the same feeling...

That's why I am doing the NC. Better safe than sorry right?

If in fact she does simply want a little bit of time to straighten herself out, she knows how to get ahold of me - then we can talk. If not, well ill be busy getting myself right...

bigbird213 · Apr 24, 2008, 05:34 AM

Well its first thing in the morning so this is probably going to be a little more depressing than most...

Seems like in the beginning it was easier than it is now. I know if she called me then I wouldn't know what to say, but after everyday that goes by I'm a little saddened. Maybe I'm caught up on the fact that were technically "taking space" and I'm afraid she is just going to never say a word to me again. It almost makes me want to call just to figure out if she's still thinking/feeling the same -- but I guess that's just me trying to make excuses.

Hopefully being home from school this weekend won't make it harder...

-EDIT-

Argghhhh, I just reread the email that she sent me and I responded also. I get the feeling she was trying to find out how I was doing and I made it sound like I was doing better than I was. As if she hated it (which she stated) and wanted me to say the same. I know people probably say this is great, but I don't want to feel like the way I worded my email is the reason she won't contact me again... Should I have just told her I hated it too?

The temptation to write an email just to say "Hi, how are you doing" is strong for the first time since this has happened. I'm not sure why...

Ugh

talaniman · Apr 24, 2008, 07:44 AM

The temptation to write an email just to say "Hi, how are you doing" is strong for the first time since this has happened. I'm not sure why...

We all know why even you, this is the weak points, that we all get that itch, to call just to say hi, hear their voice, and hope like hell they miss us, and want us back. Go polish your Sunday shoes instead, or straighten out the record collection... oops, sorry wrong era, polish those Nike's and organize the DVDs.

Or!! Come polish my Sunday shoes, and organize my record collection, do you do windows?? No, not XP!