[anubis666]

I was wondering if anyone here either has this condition or has heard of anything similar and might be interested.

But for as long as I can remember, I don't know how and I don't know why, but I do not feel anything emotionally. Its not specific to good or bad emotions, it really is something I've never heard of. I do feel physical aspects of course, for instance pain. But inside it's as if I'm hollow, and I'm not blocking it out - its just not there. Im not looking for a solution or sympathy, because of course neither are applicable or deserved... what I'm looking for is a name to attach - or perhaps to speak with someone who's experienced something similar.

I've been told many times in my life, by friends, that when they look into my eyes they see nothing - that I've just developed a vacant stare... which I've been told is quite unnerving. I don't wish to tell anyone I know that I feel nothing - because I think it would change the way they felt about me, as knowing I can't return their friendship would make them think that they are not getting anything out of the relationship, which they are - more so than any relationship they have. I'll explain...

I don't know if this issue is separate, or somehow connected - but I have some strange ability to see what people are feeling, instantaneously, just by looking at them. In most cases I can tell what they are thinking. Not in a psychic sense, but as if the fact that I have no emotion inside, can detect the emotions that others are feeling.

Anyway I've said more than enough, if anybodys interested - leave me a comment.

Thanks.

[Wondergirl]

It sounds like you'd be a good counselor--emtionally detached from the other but very empathetic.

[anubis666]

I guess your right, that would be a good career choice - but is this the first you've heard of this? Am I like this for any reason? Any feedback at all would be appreciated.

[Wondergirl]

Your cultural heritage and your family environment both may have caused you to be this way. Tell me more about either of those, if you wish.

Is this a problem? Are you concerned for some reason?

[anubis666]

No no I do not ask out of concern, merely curiosity... Im still at a young age and my background doesn't suggest a reason to why I am this way. I am from Britain, born in London and live in Scotland. My mother is Scottish, my father - English... and I have a brother. No family problems what-so-ever, my parents have always pushed me to be all I can be. But I also can't define an event in my life that has caused this, so I'm decidedly perplexed. I've only ever seen evidence of one other person who seems to have a similar case, and his name is Richard Kuklinski, are you familiar?

[oneguyinohio]

You said your parents pushed you to be your best. How did you feel with them? Loved? Or just pushed? What type of attachments with them did you experience? Was it the stiff upper lip and very little affection environment?

[Wondergirl]

No, I don't know Richard.

I'm 100% German and am pretty much the same way you are. I knew my parents loved me and supported my endeavors, but they were not huggy-kissy types.

I would take these traits and look at them as positives. Consider how they can be to your advantage as you go through life meeting people, making new friends, working at various jobs, etc. Do you already see (or have you already experienced) advantages?

[anubis666]

I see the advantages, the main one being the ability I have to help people... because I can see what they're feeling, so in turn know what they need in return. I can tell just by looking at someone exactly what they need to hear from me.

But with the advantages come the disadvantages, I don't think I could ever have a lasting relationship, or at least it wouldn't be fair to do so. I don't have the capacity to love... or feel the need to be loved - and for someone to give their life to me for that, isn't really worth it for them. As for children, that does not bother me - for years I knew I did not want children, and that with my situation I can leave a different kind of legacy.

[anubis666]

But going back to Richard Kuklinski, I'll give you a rough outline. He is a brutal, brutal man. He was a contract-killer for the mob, and in his 30-40 year career he murdered over 200 people... self-admitted. He killed many of the 200 for himself, and not the mob - just because someone looked at him wrongly, or he felt like doing it, as he would say. There are many videos and documentaries on him, because since his arrest... until his death he was very open about his killings, almost proud of the multiple ways in which he ended lives. And I liken him to me, and now that you admit yourself, is because he said on many occasions... he felt nothing. But his background, abusive father etc... caused him to turn down a dark path. But when I looked into this mans eyes, was the first time in my life I could never peg someone straight away... and it really shocked me - how we could be so alike, but completely different. Because I probably could kill without remorse, for no reason, without a second thought - but I know for a fact I never would, because I have no reason too, and I know that nobody could ever invoke a reaction that big from me - or any reaction at all for that matter... I lost everything inside, but ultimately... I became stronger for it.

[Wondergirl]

Richard Kuklinski was a sociopath. You and I aren't. Tell me the difference.

[anubis666]

Yeah he is a sociopath... but I can see the similarity, and of course I can see the difference. The similarity between us being that we feel nothing - and that man felt nothing - he had some severe issues to boot, but when you look into his eyes, its like nothing I've ever seen before, and that must be the way I look, and id anticipate you yourself look, no disrespect intended, just a judgement call.

[Wondergirl]

No, I don't have "dead eyes".

"Feeling nothing" is not the same as being detached. I wonder if you are confusing the two.

[anubis666]

Im not confusing the two, as I said from the start I feel nothing... and is that not what you have too? Because I know that my eyes look cold and blank - because that's what nothingness is dead, empty space - that's what I see in kuklinski

[Wondergirl]

But you're not a sociopath.

[oneguyinohio]

Sometimes, it is just easier, not to deal with emotions. You don't have to worry about getting your feelings hurt if you shut yourself off to the world. (Such as when you are ignored and made to feel unimportant.)

If a person experiences enough of that type of treatment, it becomes easier not to risk the pain of opening themselves up for further rejection or lack of acknowledgement as to their thoughts.

[Wondergirl]

Why would people treat you that way, that you have to shut yourself off?

[anubis666]

No no, I did state in a previous post that I'm not blocking anything out... and no event in my life has caused me to be this way - for as long as I remember I feel nothing... not the good - nor the bad... im empty inside and I don't feel as if I'm missing something - I was not looking for a solution... I just thought someone might have an insight as to why this happens... its nothing to do with my home life, my background, my race or my friendships... my feelings - just aren't there, I don't know why, and to be honest I don't really care anymore - I appreciate people taking the time to try and answer my original question, but I've realised there can't be anybody like me - because I can't relate to anyway... I have nothing TO relate... thanks for you time :)

[Wondergirl]

there can't be anybody like me

You realize that statement is very suspect in and of itself.

[anubis666]

I do not realise, do you care to enlighten me?

[Wondergirl]

If I said that to you about me, or if you heard a friend say that about himself (or if you don't believe you have friends, if a stranger said that about himself), what would you think?