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sillymama · Apr 16, 2008, 08:08 AM

I have posted a couple of times previosly about my 17 year marriage to husband who gambles, drinks, and hits my oldest son who has adhd. After the last incident in which hubby broke a board over my son's back and arm, then I received a black eye when I tried to intervene ( I was caught in the cross fire), I knew it was time to leave. Now my husband is very angry, manipulative and threatening so I filed a TPO against himalong with divorce papers. Now he is calling mutual friends and telling them that I am abusive and he never touched my son and I am making this all up and he will fight me in court until I have nothing left. I am scared to death! I did not file a police report because I did not want him to loose his job ( he is a law enforcement officer). After I filed the tpo, child services got involved, interviewed my kids ( all told the truth), took pictures ( my son's bruises were nearly gone by that time). I am so scared he will lie and manipulate until he gets what he wants out of me. What do I do?

bushg · Apr 16, 2008, 08:33 AM

Please get in touch with a domestic abuse group. He is probably gong to be the most dangerous now.
If he even acts like he is going to touch you or threatens you verbally then contact the police. One of those women will mentor you they may help you find an attonery or may even have one in their group. This will be so helpful esp, since he is in law enforcment. Not bashing all officers but they do have a tendency to stick together.

talaniman · Apr 16, 2008, 08:39 AM

Bushings suggestion is great and I hope you follow it, as you need support, and guidance, through this experience.

JAMIET · Apr 16, 2008, 04:31 PM

SillyMama, BOY can I relate... just had a TPO put on my soon to be ex 2 days ago and he's already broken it by trying to contact me via a 3rd party, which might be listed on your paperwork. If it is, you need to call the police dept and report it EVERY single time he does it. If he doesn't want to listen to you, he can listen to a judge! DO speak to a support group for domestic violence victims. The state I live in requires it and I learned so much in 2 hrs, it was WELL worth it! Also, anything he does rather to get "around" the TPO or even from hearsay... DOCUMENT IT! Be safe, Strong and don't allow him to try to control you anymore. He chose this behavior, you didn't!

O_Troubles · Apr 16, 2008, 04:35 PM

I can't say much be u have my support... be strong!

Fr_Chuck · Apr 16, 2008, 05:20 PM

Well first I am glad you finally got out, but to be honest why is your husband not dead? Yes dead, if anyone even tried to harm my son to that level, they would never ever walked out of my home.

And to be honest how many times did he hurt the boy and you stayed with him?? I am sorry but I will not say what you want to hear, but if that answer is more than one, that boy does not need to be with you either, since you were not there to protect your son.

Harsh words but any parent who allows their child to be abused and goes back to the abuser, does not deserve that child either.

And you never reported all of the abuse, well at this point, expect it to get dirty, very , very dirty, expect him and his friends to threaten, even possible violence against you. Sorry it happens, and if he has broken boards on his son, killing you would not be out of the question,

So I would move far, far away, several states away as fast as I could run.

N0help4u · Apr 16, 2008, 06:56 PM

If he even talks to you or makes threats to others hoping they will get back to you in some states that is enough to be considered violation of the TPO.
I would look it up but I don't know what state you are in so you can type in the search engine
Domestic violence centers your city/state

Women's abuse center your city/state

This place may be able to help you some too
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

sillymama · Apr 17, 2008, 06:07 AM

Thanks to all of you for the support and advice, even if the words are not what I want to hear. Yes, I feel tremendous guilt for staying in a situation that was destructive. I guess I always viewed victims of abuse as mousy housewives who were too afraid to be alone. I am a nurse, well educated, independent, assertive... until it came to my situation at home. Now l look at myself and cannot believe I of all people tolerated and enabled this situation. Anyone can fall into the trap... I did and now I do feel equally responsible for the damage done. My husband always told me that things were my fault, or things were my son's fault... we both believed him.

Hubby has held the power for 17 years and he is not going to give up without a nasty fight. I pray I can handle it for sake of my kids.

talaniman · Apr 17, 2008, 06:56 AM

You can overcome, if you realise your part, and forgive yourself, and do better. You have already broken the old cycle, now you can fight for you, and your son, without guilt. Kick his a$$, if he keeps efing with you!

N0help4u · Apr 17, 2008, 07:09 PM

Originally Posted by sillymama

T Yes, I feel tremendous guilt for staying in a situation that was destructive. I guess I always viewed victims of abuse as mousy housewives who were too afraid to be alone. I am a nurse, well educated, independant, assertive....until it came to my situation at home. Now l look at myself and cannot believe I of all people tolerated and enabled this situation. Anyone can fall into the trap...I did and now I do feel equally responsible for the damage done. My husband always told me that things were my fault, or things were my son's fault....we both believed him.

Hubby has held the power for 17 years and he is not going to give up without a nasty fight. I pray I can handle it for sake of my kids.

Actually that is a wrong assumption we women make but the opposite is true because the mousy housewives are usually so submissive they do not have conflict. Therefore they go along with the program. The more independent, the more the guy resents you, the more conflict and we take it thinking they will change, but NOPE!
Guys like that will convince you that you are guilty for the sky being blue and their mess they created themselves.

ajewett16 · Apr 18, 2008, 05:39 AM

This is a hard problem that is going on. Well first... your husband (soon to be ex) is really mad at you. He really has no reason to be because he drinks and is really abusive to your son. I would have filed a police report because he shouldn't have gone and told your past friends that you are doing what he got introuble for. He is going to fight you in court but you need to get all your facts straight and make sure your kids have theirs. There really is nothing more I can say because it all depends on what goes on in court. Just rememeber one thing... you were right to file for divorce. If you didn't file for divorce you could have been more hurt then just a black eye. Just keep fighting for everything you got. Good luck. I hope everything goes OK.