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myssterie · Feb 13, 2006, 08:40 PM

I have been a single parent for most of my son's life. He is now 22 and graduating from college 7 hours from home. Since he was 13, he shut down completely towards me, however, is friendly to all others around him, including his father, who he is still close to. I have gone through years of his refusing to talk to me (other than when he needs something), especially at college. When he has been home for the past 3.5 years, he is nasty, openly hostile, refuses to talk to me, to the point where I continuously asked him to spend his vacations with his father (who is 1 hour away), but he never did. He is a good student, dean's list, but as of late, when searching for a job, he has become even more openly hostile towards me. He still verbally attacks me continuously, picks fights with me, continuously. The emotional pain is just overwhelming for me. Yet, with others, including his grandmother, he is happy and fine. At this point, at this age, I'm done with this, yet I don't know what to do -- I am tending to just be pleasant, and when he starts the nastiness, I tell him he is not allowed to speak to me in that manner, and when he chooses to have an adult conversation with me, please call me. But the next time he calls, the same thing happens -- please... advice... thank you so much in advance.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 13, 2006, 08:45 PM

He has some obvoius issue that he is not telling you about, or he has from his cildhood.

Was there something from your divorce from his father that he may have issue with?

I really doubt you can get all three of you or even the two ofyou to counseling to learn to deal with all the feelings, there is not a lot you can do, except be there when he needs you and let him know you love him

phillysteakandcheese · Feb 13, 2006, 10:35 PM

Your son is an adult now, and he makes his own decisions. Whatever his problem, it's going to be up to him to get over it or work through it. Give him his space and time to deal with his problems.

As a parent, you always want to fix or make right whatever your children's pains are. Sadly, sometimes the parent can't be the one to always fix the problem.

Until he is prepared to be respectfull of you, I would continue to tell him to stop calling. Always remind him your love is unconditional, but you won't tolerate his abuse.

Hopefully in time and with your reminders of love, he'll come around and try to talk to you about whatever is bothering him.

fredg · Feb 14, 2006, 02:15 PM

Hi,
At 64 yrs old, I have been though similar experiences with my Wife's family!
When he calls, just make yourself hang up the phone! First, tell him that you are here for him, when he can be respectful. Then, hang up the phone.
Don't answer it when he calls back, which will probably be in a min. or two.
Let your answering machine get it, then erase it.
You have tried everything you can do, and it isn't working. Therefore, something new needs to be tried.
He is obviously trying to "insult", and "upset" you. Don't let him.
You have done all you can.
If in the future, he calls and apologizes, then talk with him. But, don't have any conversations with him unless he starts with an apology. Hang up.
I do wish you the best, and hope that eventually, he will come to realize just how much you have done for him all his life so far.

kp2171 · Mar 26, 2006, 11:14 PM

So sorry to hear this.

Its time to take care of you. If he's still in a 13 year old mentality then he needs to see the line drawn.

You need to refuse to be treated this way, and if that means he doesn't talk to you... OK. A little peace and quiet might be better than chaos.

I'd firmly tell him that his verbal abuse is done. Do not call and do not come home. Don't let him back until he's sincerely apologized and changed his childish brooding.

You pray that in time he'll grow up and see what a jerk he'd been. If he doesn't change, well... that's awful, but again... maybe some quiet is better than noise.

msadventure2003 · Jun 1, 2012, 04:25 PM

I feel for you , as I have a 22 yr old son who has always treated me awful since he was a young teen, At the beginning (under age 5 ) I spoiled him but as he got older he began to disrespect me more, and more, He would even go as far as telling everyone lies on me, like I abused and starved him, which was so untrue he was very well treated and overweight,, so the authorities knew he was lying, He has ruined every Holiday, His siblings birthdays, and any event we ever went to , even carnivals. He causes fights and trouble any time he has a chance to be around the family, He was so bad that my friend insisted he was possessed by Satan at age 10. He even has put his hands on me, and at age 14 he threatened to burn the house down while we slept because he didn't get a big enough Easter basket and then he got made and left one day and went to his friends and told them he has sliced my throat and killed me, His female friend came over and was crying because she couldn't believe he killed us, then cried in relief when she realized we were OK, but the latest was last week he cut his foot when a window broke, and I had a bad tire on my car and couldn't go get him and take him to the hospital I told him to call an ambulance, ( he don't live with me, He lives in government assisted housing because I kicked him out for hitting me, ) well I couldn't take him to the hospital so he got mad calling me the worst names you could imagine , face-booked to the public, the worst ,most hurtful words using my name, and finally said He wished someone would cut my brake lines and kill me, so as for helping you I wish I could but my own 22 yr old is killing me literally, I just figured if I told you about my son that maybe you'd feel a little better knowing your not alone, Because I also don't know what to do. Other than shut him from my life once and for all. Which I have decided to do... God knows I tried so hard!

cowolfe123 · Dec 9, 2012, 08:23 PM

What are you to do when you are supposed to have joint custody and her boys teens, 13 and 15 are treating the mom badly but behave just fine for ex husband cop, who is very authoritarian and was the cause of divorce. Feel bad making the boys go to their dads and don't feel I should have to give his father child support because he says I can't "handle" the boys.I have always been a good mother, probably spoiled the boys and have a good job. The boys are disrespectful when don't get their way and won't listen or get up for school without yelling.