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francis58 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:10 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months last week I found he has been texting gay chat sites the texts were very explicit including photos, when I confronted him he said he wasn't gay or bi and could't explain why he does it he says he loves me very much and doesn't want anyone else, I think he is in denial surely a straight man can't get turned on by sex text with gay men. I have tried to understand and tried to talk about it he keeps denying he is gay and says he's had enough of me not trusting him, it has now ruined our relationship, am I going mad or is he gay.

Marriedguy · Apr 12, 2008, 02:25 PM

He Is Gay! Or Bi curious, either way run away.

progunr · Apr 12, 2008, 02:26 PM

Trust your gut, it is usually correct.

He has the problem, sorry he brought you into his own mess.

Better luck next time!

N0help4u · Apr 12, 2008, 02:31 PM

Even if he is not gay or bi you have to ask yourself is this the behavior you want from a guy that is suppose to love only you so much?
Many people cry that their boyfriend spends more time on the porn sites and it turns them on more than the girlfriend does.
It could very well end up your situation if you stay with him.

healer · Apr 12, 2008, 02:40 PM

I'm sorry for you. He has a monster that he was born with, it's emerging and there's no stopping it. He probably truly loves you, but these urges are so strong, and will only continue to grow, it is a lost cause. If you have it in your heart try to be his buddy. Everybody has a monster.

Love,
healer

claydogg · Apr 12, 2008, 08:25 PM

Sorry to say but I definitely think he's gay because a straight man wouldn't ever go to a gay chat site.

the1unv · Apr 13, 2008, 04:58 AM

He is either gay or very curious. I myself would cut my losses and find someone who knew what they wanted. Easier said than done yes... but the best!
Mike

talaniman · Apr 13, 2008, 08:07 AM

I don't think he is telling you the whole truth, and honest communication is essential in a healthy relationship.

Choux · Apr 14, 2008, 02:29 PM

??

This whole scenario doesn't really add up. Why would he date a *girl* if he were actively gay and then, allow his girlfriend to see gay porno stuff on his whatever??

Is it possible that he is trying to get rid of you??

scorpgc · Apr 15, 2008, 10:52 AM

I'm surprised at the negativity here, especially in 2008. Guess what folks? Being gay is NOT a "monster". Honey, you don't need to "run away!" He "doesn't have a problem" and his lifestyle or sexual orientation is NOT "his mess". And for all of you ignorant straight folks out there, shame on you for judging another person, whose shoes you have NOT walked in.

I am gay. I was married to a woman for almost 10 years, and my sexual orientation wasn't a "monster, a mess or a problem". Because of religion, culture, tradition and many other factors, people (not just gay men / women) live closeted lives regardless of their sexual orientation. Should you try to understand and work through this? Understand and be compassionate, yes-but try to give "pat" / judgemental answers or do this on your own No.

I would have appreciated a person who understood or tried to understand. I would have appreciated knowledge, so I could be true to myself, instead of lying. Eventually I did, but your boyfriend won't until he is ready. He may never, and choose to use gay chat rooms or gay porn as an outlet.

There aren't any easy answers, but come on-stop the bigotry and offer some emotional and loving support [readers]. Read, get information, talk to someone from PFLAG (Google it) someone who is or has been in your shoes and can offer real, sage advice.

Francis58, I admire your courage and tenacity to speak with him about this. You do have 9-months invested into your relationship. I think speaking to someone, a profesisonal, may be a good option for you. If your b/f is serious about keeping a relationship with you, possibly both of you can see a therapist? IMO, if he is looking at this type of computer activity (gay chat / gay porn), it will not end. You may run the risk of his behavior repeating itself until you are truly tired of it and your relationship runs its course.

If you want to chat offline about this, I'm not an expert or a Psychologist, but someone who walked in his shoes and I care. Let me know!

Gary

talaniman · Apr 15, 2008, 12:14 PM

I'm surprised at the negativity here, especially in 2008... I am gay. I was married to a woman for almost 10 years, and my sexual... I would have appreciated a person who understood or tried to understand.

I don't think your gender orientation is as important as your honesty. You maybe confused, or what ever, but what of the partner you mislead, or the world that you turn upside down, by not being honest, with them or yourself. You want understanding, compassion, and all that good stuff? Then start with being honest and showing that to the partners who have gone through that confusion with you. I don't give a rats a$$ about your gayness, but your humanness sucks.

scorpgc · Apr 15, 2008, 12:50 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I don't think your gender orientation is as important as your honesty. You maybe confused, or what ever, but what of the partner you mislead, or the world that you turn upside down, by not being honest, with them or yourself. You want understanding, compassion, and all that good stuff? Then start with being honest and showing that to the partners who have gone thru that confusion with you. I don't give a rats a$$ about your gayness, but your humanness sucks.

Case in point.

Actually, I found your original post / answer not to be judgemental, and more sympathetic-until I read this, and was surprised. Your screen name refers to you as a "relationship expert"? Is this because you have had many yourself, or are you self-proclaimed? Is this because you have posted your sage advice thousands of times?

Well, "relationship expert", I agree with honesty. Again, you haven't walked in my shoes, so don't judge. You don't have a clue what I went through with my former wife. When you have gone through what I have, then you can give your opinion, especially about me. Until then, I'll remember that everyone has one (an opinion of course). Some are bigger than others, however.

As far as my humanity, again you haven't a clue. What concerns me are "relationship experts" who armchair diagnose without any first-hand experience, without ALL the facts. Do you have them?

As far as "turning the world upside down", I didn't. Being gay, or coming out of the closet is (are you ready for this?) INDIVIDUAL. It's not for you. It's not for your friends or family, but it's for ME, or whoever decides to accept themselves. Nowhere in my reply did I say I did not have the compassion or love and concern for my former partner. Again, stop judging.

And as far as my former partner? Tis none of your business, but she was NOT mislead, at all. She knew. As far as compassion and "all that good stuff"? I respectfully was wishing for Francis (original poster) to receive that from "experts" like you, and to have some sympathy by looking at the WHOLE picture, there are two sides to every point and story. And if you cannot see the disparity and bigotry in people referring to a protected class of people as "monsters" or "problematic", then I would consider watching more daytime TV or enrolling in a basic sexuality class at your local junior college.

Go find another forum and member to beat up. Here is some more honesty: I don't care about your rat's behind, or your opinion. But I won't tolerate uneducated bafoons who continue to judge others, Read into this all you will, it's no longer my concern.

talaniman · Apr 15, 2008, 01:58 PM

Your rebuttal to my rant doesn't impress me one bit, because NO, I have never walked in your shoes, but have picked up the pieces in the aftermath of your "honesty". Did my post make you mad?? Good, cause it must be true. You want empathy, show some.

N0help4u · Apr 15, 2008, 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by scorpgc

I'm surprised at the negativity here, especially in 2008. Guess what folks? Being gay is NOT a "monster". Honey, you don't need to "run away!" He "doesn't have a problem" and his lifestyle or sexual orientation is NOT "his mess". And for all of you ignorant straight folks out there, shame on you for judging another person, whose shoes you have NOT walked in.

I am gay. I was married to a woman for almost 10 years, and my sexual orientation wasn't a "monster, a mess or a problem". Because of religion, culture, tradition and many other factors, people (not just gay men / women) live closeted lives regardless of their sexual orientation. Should you try to understand and work through this? Understand and be compassionate, yes-but try to give "pat" / judgemental answers or do this on your own No.

I would have appreciated a person who understood or tried to understand. I would have appreciated knowledge, so I could be true to myself, instead of lying. Eventually I did, but your boyfriend won't until he is ready. He may never, and choose to use gay chat rooms or gay porn as an outlet.

There aren't any easy answers, but come on-stop the bigotry and offer some emotional and loving support [readers]. Read, get information, talk to someone from PFLAG (Google it) someone who is or has been in your shoes and can offer real, sage advice.

Francis58, I admire your courage and tenacity to speak with him about this. You do have 9-months invested into your relationship. I think speaking to someone, a profesisonal, may be a good option for you. If your b/f is serious about keeping a relationship with you, possibly both of you can see a therapist? IMO, if he is looking at this type of computer activity (gay chat / gay porn), it will not end. You may run the risk of his behavior repeating itself until you are truly tired of it and your relationship runs its course.

If you want to chat offline about this, I'm not an expert or a Psychologist, but someone who walked in his shoes and I care. Let me know!

Gary

So you are saying we are wrong and she should stay with him? WHY??
IF he is gay then he should not be deceiving him or her! IF he is gay why does he want her? IF he is gay why should she be with him when it could likely end up coming to an end because he decides he really doesn't want to be with a girl?
He should be going after what would make him happiest so neither one of them is living a lie! IF she had said he is looking at porn of girls we very likely would tell her to run anyway because it is not an issue about 'gayness' but devotion and he apparently isn't all that devoted to her.
So you are making it an anti gay issue when that is not the point. So seems you are mistaken of our intent or you are the one being judgmental.

talaniman · Apr 15, 2008, 03:24 PM

Just to be clear, I think the issues are about dishonesty, and non communications, two very important cornerstones to any relationship. God may have made you gay, but it's you who step outside the boundaries, and cheat. With whom is not even important. Not aiming at anyone in particular.

goingcrazygirl · Apr 15, 2008, 04:34 PM

Well it could go one of two ways. I don't think he is completely straight... but he may not be gay either. He could be bi, and YES people, that IS possible in men. However, if he is discovering this, he is probably going to want to explore it. If he does that, it may be putting YOUR health at risk (and I am not aiming that comment at him just sleeping with men, it would go the same if he slept with other women too). This is a huge trust breaker, and it is going to drive you crazy, trust me. You have a big decision to make. Good luck.

Carol Ellis · May 8, 2008, 06:07 PM

I caught my husband of 28 years in a gay chat room. He said it was just a bunch of married guys ing about their wives & marriages. Then a year later I got genital warts from my husband who got it from one of the many strange men he hooked up with the eight years he'd apparently been cheating. He says its only sex & he choose men because if he chose women he might fall for one of them so to protect our marriage he only cheated with men. He made the sacrifice for me. BS! He keeps up this ridiculous story to anyone who will listen. I guess he hopes our family will believe him because I certainly don't. I'm only a woman, men can give you more accurate answers but I doubt any man would chose to have sex with a man unless he's gay.

Xrayman · May 8, 2008, 07:16 PM

Originally Posted by Carol Ellis

I'm only a woman, men can give you more accurate answers but I doubt any man would chose to have sex with a man unless he's gay.

You are not exactly correct.

A man having sex with another man does not make him gay. He may be bisexual.

talaniman · May 8, 2008, 10:21 PM

Or TRISEXUAL, they will try anything once.

sharadsvaidya · May 14, 2008, 04:26 AM

Originally Posted by francis58

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months last week i found he has been texting gay chat sites the texts were very explicit including photos, when i confronted him he said he wasn't gay or bi and could't explain why he does it he says he loves me very much and doesn't want anyone else, i think he is in denial surely a straight man can't get turned on by sex text with gay men. i have tried to understand and tried to talk about it he keeps denying he is gay and says he's had enough of me not trusting him, it has now ruined our relationship, am i going mad or is he gay.

Avoid him for some days and keep an eye on him for some days you will automatically come to know on his routine activity watch for just 1 week Best Of Luck