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haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 01:29 PM

I have an 18yr old stepdaughter that doesn't care about her school work. Won't go anywhere, Stays in her room all of the time, eats junk, never cleans her room, I pay for her to get her hair done and she never does it. Just takes a shower and leaves it wet. She lies to me about school work and about doing chores. She leaves her dirty underwear in her draws and never washes them. When I ask her why she says I don't know? I have tried to take her to a counselor and she won't get out of the car to go. She calls me every name in the book and only is nice when she wants something. The problem is that her father who I just married 3 yrs ago will not back me up. He tells me that I treat her like crap so it is okay for her to do the same to me. Her mother passed away when she was 8 yrs old and she needs help. My husband says that I am the problem. He sees that there are no issues and that I am too hard on her. What?? I am trying to make her be responsible and ready for the big world out there, yet I am made out to be the bad guy. She has only 5 weeks until school ends and was told that if she doesn't graduate that she will have to move out and get a job. She will not even get her drivers license and her dad takes her where ever she needs to go. So why would she? She even has a car in the garage for her. She is just plain lazy and her father has catered to her all her life and now he will not accept the fact that she needs to start acting like an adult.
I have given her job applications and she just throws them away.
I am to my end with this child! She is disrespectful to me when her dad is around and away and he allows her to get away with it. How can I make her move out of my house now that she is 18? If her dad won't back me up am I stuck unless he goes too??

N0help4u · Apr 12, 2008, 01:34 PM

Quit trying to make her responsible. Let her have a messy room with stinky underwear and quite giving her money for things she will not do anyway. All you will do is wreck your relationship with the dad!
When she can't get a boyfriend or anywhere in life maybe it will be motive enough for her to make an effort.
I bet if you try and get her out of your house he does go with her because he is already taking her side all the way around.

haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Quit trying to make her responsible. Let her have a messy room with stinky underwear and quite giving her money for things she will not do anyway. All you will do is wreck your relationship with the dad!
When she can't get a bf or anywhere in life maybe it will be motive enough for her to make an effort.
I bet if you try and get her out of your house he does go with her because he is already taking her side all the way around.

I have quit giving her money over a month ago. But the stinky room I can't stand it and she is 18 yrs old and should abide by my rules. I went in there an removed all of it. The relationship with dad is on the rocks because of her. So I am just supposed to sit back and let her do whatever she wants? I wish there was a way to legally make her move out. She does absolutley nothing and he supports her and says "She's still a kid".

svatnsdal · Apr 12, 2008, 02:07 PM

I would say to just move out, tell your husband that you can not take it anymore. Look at the two of you going to see a councillor together, and bring it up with him. I really think you should separate and make him realize the problem that's there. It does sound like she's a 'daddy's girl'.

bushg · Apr 12, 2008, 02:08 PM

She is his child not yours... let him deal with her.

But demand that she treats you with respect... no cursing you, screaming at you, hitting etc... if she does call the cops.

haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:13 PM

Originally Posted by bushg

She is his child not yours...let him deal with her.

But demand that she treats you with respect...no cursing you, screaming at you, hitting etc...if she does call the cops.

I have done that and it still doesn't work. I have let him deal with her and the problem is that when he is not around she acts up and then he doesn't support anything that I do. And why should I allow her to do whatever the hell she wants and I pay the bills and let her live in my house supporting her. I really would like to make her leave and have no idea what to do. I asked her to move out and she said "No" I don't have to . My dad still lives here and I can do what I want. He is gone to work and not here just she and I am it is driving me crazy.

N0help4u · Apr 12, 2008, 02:13 PM

It seems to me like you have to let her live her life the way she sees fit and then if she continues to treat you poorly hopefully her dad will realize you 'haven't been the problem' because you backed off. I think you have to decide which is more important him WITH her or tell them bye cause you do not care to live on the rocks any more. I am sure if you make her leave your home he will follow.

haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:37 PM

Originally Posted by svatnsdal

I would say to just move out, tell your husband that you can not take it anymore. Look at the two of you going to see a councillor together, and bring it up with him. I really think you should separate and make him realize the problem that's there. It does sound like she's a 'daddy's girl'.

The problem is that the house is mine and we get along except for when it comes to issues with her. I think that he needs to stand up and be a man and tell her where the bear *&^ in the woods! But he just won't do it. So I guess I have to make him leave in order for her to leave. How sad is it that a grown man will let his daughter dictate his relationship. I have been with him for over 3 yrs and she didn't use to act this way until the last 6 months. And I took her to the dr to have a personality test done and they said nothing was wrong. I had her drug tested and found nothing. She is a human home body sponge. She doesn't want to do anything! Maybe she will get sick of being here and eventually leave. But she told me last week that she will do whatever she wants and whatever it takes to break her dad and I up because Daddy will give me money and pay for my hair and my cell phone whenever I want.
She makes my blood boil!!

J_9 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:41 PM

Remember that your husband has been with her since the day she was born, you are the "intruder" in their lives. There is really nothing you can do to change this situation for the better except divorce.

haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:42 PM

Originally Posted by bushg

She is his child not yours...let him deal with her.

But demand that she treats you with respect...no cursing you, screaming at you, hitting etc...if she does call the cops.

Yes that is true. However he tells me that I am to act like her mom and not her friend. So when I do so, I still get slammed> So he gives me the authority to discipline and then takes it away. Because I am too harsh. Harsh is that I get tired of looking and smelling her crap, give her a day to clean it up or its going in the garbage. So the next day I put it in garbage bags and tell her it's gone. Dad even helped me put it in the bags. Then she cries to him and he gets mad at me and tells me I am to harsh?? She feels picked on and my other 2 children from another marriage don't get treated the same way, Well those 2 know better. So I am just stuck because she is running my marriage and I guess there is no way to legally make her leave??

haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

Remember that your husband has been with her since the day she was born, you are the "intruder" in their lives. There is really nothing you can do to change this situation for the better except divorce.

Yes I know and I have loved her as one of my own until she started acting this way horribly the last 6 months. She shouldn't allowed to become in between my marriage.I just think my husband is so blinded by her that he won't see it until it is too late. We have a great relationship except for her.

progunr · Apr 12, 2008, 02:44 PM

She is his little girl, and always will be.
She lost her mother at 8 years old, and you were the replacement.
Most kids don't take well to a replacement, no matter what the circumstances are.
If you make him take sides, he will choose hers over yours, naturally.
This is one of the big issues we face when we decide to "date" someone with children.
It rarely works out well, at least not without much patients and effort on the adults part.
I'm sorry, but from the sound of things, this is not going to end well and I guess you need
To decide just how much you are willing to take to be with him, and act on that decision.

Good luck!

N0help4u · Apr 12, 2008, 02:45 PM

You need to confront him that he wants you to discipline her but ties your hands from doing so.
Give him some situations that you and her have already been through (leave out the part of how you handled it) and ask him what would you do?

haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:48 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

It seems to me like you have to let her live her life the way she sees fit and then if she continues to treat you poorly hopefully her dad will realize you 'haven't been the problem' because you backed off. I think you have to decide which is more important him WITH her or tell them bye cause you do not care to live on the rocks any more. I am sure if you make her leave your home he will follow.

Yes you are right. However I guess that it is scary because you would think that the norm is that they either move on to college which she won't and then we are left to grow old with our mates.
I guess he can choose to have her live with him for the rest of his life and see how far that gets him in the relationship department down the road.

N0help4u · Apr 12, 2008, 02:49 PM

Exactly! When she leaves him for a guy then he will see that he went down the wrong path and may possibly grow old all alone.

Alty · Apr 12, 2008, 02:50 PM

Personally, I would just ignore her. No more money, no more privleges, just pretend she doesn't exist. She wants to break you two up and you are letting her do it. Who's the adult here? Tell hubby that you are done dealing with her, it's up to him now. Tell him that you are going to act like she's not here, otherwise you will end up leaving or kicking them both out. Hopefully she'll realize that she can't get you angry and she will stop. She's acting like a child, so treat her like one. Just my opinion.

haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:53 PM

Originally Posted by progunr

She is his little girl, and always will be.
She lost her mother at 8 years old, and you were the replacement.
Most kids don't take well to a replacement, no matter what the circumstances are.
If you make him take sides, he will choose hers over yours, naturally.
This is one of the big issues we face when we decide to "date" someone with children.
It rarely works out well, at least not without much patients and effort on the adults part.
I'm sorry, but from the sound of things, this is not going to end well and I guess you need
to decide just how much you are willing to take to be with him, and act on that decision.

Good luck!

Yes she did loose her mother. However he did remarry 6 months after her demise for 7 yrs and then he divorced. However you are correct that I am the replacement. I have told her that I felt my mother and her mother met in heaven and brought her dad and I together.We have gotten along until the last 6 months. I have been with her dad for over 3 yrs. So I am frustrated as to why all of a sudden this is happening. I have 2 kids of my own from a previous marriage and they are 11 and 14 and get along great with him and her. But she can do no wrong in his eyes. I have that instinct with my kids, but if they do wrong they will accept the consequences. Maybe that's because I have raised them that way. She has had no consequences. My husband has always given her everything and thinks that buying her things and sweeping the problems under the rug is the easy fix. Now I am feeling the brunt of that pile of crap. But it's hard to accpet that he is choosing me over her. Thanks for the advice..

J_9 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:56 PM

You say you have 2 children. Did their father die or was it divorce?

You see when a parent dies many times the living parent tries to make up for the death of the other parent, and sometimes these children become spoiled. Her mother died at 8, most likely he tried to make up for the loss by spoiling her.

haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:57 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You need to confront him that he wants you to discipline her but ties your hands from doing so.
Give him some situations that you and her have already been through (leave out the part of how you handled it) and ask him what would you do?

I have tried to do that and then he is accepting of it. I think that she is just not getting her way and now is using her pull to manipulate the situation. He even tells me that I am too hard on her and so I washed my hands of everything. No taking her anywhere no money no school support no homework support and told her I love you and will be here if there is an emergency but that she needs to rely on her dad for these things. So she did and he doesn't give them to her because he is gone all of the time and now is acting up. So when I confront her dad she turns it around and lies, lies, lies. I have even got her on video lying and he gets upset and say I don't want to hear it and walks away. He is in total denial

haddenk0705 · Apr 12, 2008, 02:59 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

exactly! when she leaves him for a guy then he will see that he went down the wrong path and may possibly grow old all alone.

You are correct! However it's hard to divorce again! I just feel if there was some way I could make him wake up then I could save my marriage. But I am having to come the reality that he never will..