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Sarah48375 · Apr 11, 2008, 11:44 AM

This is one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. My B/F and I have been together for two years. We have a unique relationship. I am a single mom and devote most of my time to my daughter. He is in med-school. Although we talk every day, we only spend time together one day a week. Sometimes we do lunch but for the most part we end up with one day. This actually works well for both of us. We love each other, and enjoy each other company. He doesn't spend much time around my daughter, but when he does, he is good with her. My problem is...

In the past three months it has become apparent that my B/F is racist. He is not super extreme, but he does judge people by the color of their skin. He believes that people are in groups by the color of their skin. Most people stereotype within reason. However, I was raised in a very open minded family. My sister is dating someone of another race (he doesn't know this). We were raised to judge everyone as individuals.

Could this relationship ever work? I don't want his beliefs imposed on my daughter or any children we may have together. I see him as ignorant!

svatnsdal · Apr 11, 2008, 11:51 AM

You do have to talk to him about this. I honestly do think you should leave him, if you stay with him, he will have a great impact on your daughter. Racist's are people with low IQ, and they don't deserve to be in this world. I'm surprised he's in Medical School! You can also report this to the medical board and they will talk to him about it.

Sarah48375 · Apr 11, 2008, 11:54 AM

I always thought that too, but he's brilliant. In fact, he has honoured most of med school, and had one of the highest grades in his class on state board.

Added: we have talked rather heatedly about our differences of opinion.

confused25 · Apr 11, 2008, 12:14 PM

Your daughter should be your utmost priority. I think its great that you don't want her being raised around racism and negativity. You should definitely keep it this way. I suggest you have a talk with him about his feelings and voice the fact that you are uncomfortable with it. However, be cautious and don't expect to changes his mind with one talk, even if he says otherwise. Also, it might not be a bad idea to mention to him that your sister is dating someone of another race. If his reaction is really negative and condescending than it's time to kick him out of your life. You don't need that type of behavior around your family.

svatnsdal · Apr 11, 2008, 12:19 PM

My statement about 'low IQ' is meaning, racists do not have the brain capacity to see how every human is exactly the same inside, no matter what colour the skin is! In medical school, he should have learned that a very long time ago!
Anyway, the important thing you really need to think about is your daughter! I agree with confused, have a nice dinner with your sister, her man, and bring your man along. Just, don't say a word about your sisters boyfriend! See how he reacts, he your man, and take it from there.

talaniman · Apr 11, 2008, 04:26 PM

Could this relationship ever work? I don't want his beliefs imposed on my daughter or any children we may have together. I see him as ignorant!

Just my opinion, but raising a child to hate, is child abuse.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 11, 2008, 06:02 PM

First I challenge everyone that all people are partially racist. Everyone of you to the last socialist.

If you were getting on an airplane and three men speaking Arabic and in middle eastern clothing were getting on plane, who among you would not worry?

You are walking alone at night and see four black men, dressed like they are from the hood, who would not be scared to death, but would not if these people were dressed like stock brokers.

So many of people in society though their dress, their life styles do nothing but prove their stereotypes right.

Who does not grab their purse or check their wallet after they are bumped on the subway by a person of a lot loswer economic group, more than they do if bumped by that stock broker looking guy.

All of us, each and everyone has a prejustice, some are worst than others but everyone does.
Often it may be more they way they are dressed, and that is judged by their dress according to their race

The white trash trailer park idea of some of the people we see perhaps at Walmart,

And who when looking at 20 men who are spanish working lets say planting trees does not wonder if they are illegal or not.

So you did not say what he believed and to what extent, to say you do not have any, is a statement I just don't believe, you are just trained to deny what you feel.

N0help4u · Apr 11, 2008, 06:15 PM

I have always believed that people tend to stereo type themselves by the style they take on in life. Some will surprise you though. Most people are prejudice to some degree. Me being in the hood with many races and not afraid of anybody I really don't think I have much if any prejudice. I say you should discuss what lead him to believe the way he does and try and reason with him about his believing what he was told and how unfounded his belief system is.
I have even heard the ''I am not prejudice. I believe all races are equal, BUT everybody should stick with their race.'' My grandmother use to say that.
Maybe ask him if he sees his prejudice as something that would interfere with his work ethic as a doctor. Ask him what would he do and how would he feel if a black person or any other race moved next door to you some day? Tell him you do not want your children raised prejudice so how is he going to handle that? Is he going to respect that? Tell him that if he can not accept any of your children dating or marrying outside their race then you are not sure you can continue with him.

longislandgirl · Apr 11, 2008, 08:15 PM

He's in Med School? So this means he wants to become a Doctor. Where he will be comfronted with people from all walks of life with all different backgrounds and skin color. Dump him. You should not want a racist in your innocent daughters life.

Sarah48375 · Apr 11, 2008, 10:02 PM

Okay, I will give you some examples of conversations to help you all understand what I am talking about.

When prompted if he wanted his children to share in his opinions he said, "Do you mean that whites are superior." I said, "yes" He said that he absolutely did.

He said that if a black person and a white person applied for a job, and he owned the company, he would hire the black person only if he was better qualified. If they were equally qualified, he would hire the white person because you have to take can of your own.

He thinks that any individual that does not learn to speak English before coming to this country should be deported.

When asked what he would do if he had black patients he said, "I'd prefer that they weren't, but I wouldn't turn them away."

Doesn't like any non-European race.

I agree and stated that most people stereotype. However, If three white guys were walking down the street dressed like they were from the hood. I would be just as inclined to go the other way. I wouldn't turn the other way because of the color of their skin. I would walk away because they looked suspicious and dangerous.

If I was sitting on a plane and three Arabic men were on a plane, it might cross my mind, but if they started talking to me, I would then judge them as individual.

I just wish this problem didn't exist. I wish I didn't have to walk away. This has been such a huge blow. I don't want to get back out there. I don't want to start over, and I don't have time for most guys.

svatnsdal · Apr 11, 2008, 10:17 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

First I challenge everyone that all people are partially racist. Everyone of you to the last socialist.

If you were getting on an airplane and three men speaking Arabic and in middle eastern clothing were getting on plane, who amoung you would not worry ??

you are walking alone at night and see four black men, dressed like they are from the hood, who would not be scared to death, but would not if these people were dressed like stock brokers.

So many of people in society though thier dress, thier life styles do nothing but prove thier sterotypes right.

Who does not grab thier purse or check thier wallet after they are bumped on the subway by a person of alot loswer economic group, more than they do if bumped by that stock broker looking guy.

All of us, each and everyone has a prejustice, some are worst than others but everyone does.
Often it may be more they way they are dressed, and that is judged by thier dress according to thier race

The white trash trailer park idea of some of the people we see perhaps at Walmart,

And who when looking at 20 men who are spanish working lets say planting trees does not wonder if they are illegal or not.

So you did not say what he beleived and to what extent, to say you do not have any, is a statement I just don't beleive, you are just trained to deny what you feel.

However, saying 'who', are you assuming all 'who' are white? I'm not trying to start anything! Just trying to make a point. You are very right, but why do so many people write assuming all who read, are white? Or am I just stating that everyone reading is white? Racism is a very dangerous topic to step on. It's very difficult to make an opinion, or statement about without people attacking you for one small word, sentence, or paragraph read under misunderstanding. Now I am not going to be surprised to have people attack me... but how do any of you know what colour my skin is?

Mom of 2 · Apr 11, 2008, 10:28 PM

I have to agree with a lot of the posts. It is a big pill to swallow in dealing with someone who has so many strong beliefs about race. Yes, we are all racist to some degree, but he is blatantly vocal about it. This subject is very important to you, otherwise you would not have posted your question. You have to really look within yourself to see if this is something that you can honestly live with and tolerate. If you cannot, and it a constant source of uncomfortable feelings, then it is not worth it to continue the relationship, especially if he makes the rest of your family members uncomfortable. You need to model proper behavior for your daughter, as this is how she will learn to conduct herself. Your boyfriend learned this behavior when he was growing up.

You can wish that this problem does not exist, but you can't ignore it. I know that you don't want to get back out there, as dating stinks, especially the older that we get. It IS hard to start over, but settling in a relationship for the mere fact that at least you will not be alone is not the right answer either. Other relationships have failed on much less. I feel that this will be a subject of contention, as one of your family members is dating a person from another race. This might drive a wedge between so many people in your family. You have to ask yourself the question: Is it it worth all of that so that you won't be alone? You are not alone, as you still have family and a loving daughter.

talaniman · Apr 12, 2008, 08:40 AM

Don't let fear of being alone, or without him, make you settle for less than you want. In the long run who suffers?

longislandgirl · Apr 12, 2008, 09:22 AM

I totally understand that you are torn. But, as a Mother. You have to watch out for the welfare of your own child. Some people will never change and they think the way they do because they were either raised that way, or they truly have low self esteem and it makes them feel greater by putting people down. I know this much. Karma is a reality. And it catches up to everyone in one way or another eventually. Someday, he will be faced with his own racism. He will be comfronted with a situation that is life and death and he will have to make a choice or one will be made for him. Perhaps his life will be saved by a non-white person. Perhaps he will be on the vurge of bleeding to death when a non white person will offer their own blood to save his life. What then? When he has the blood of a "non white" person flowing through his veins and allowing his heart to beat. If you can overlook his racist views and if he doesn't express these views in front of your child. If you can sleep at night. Then by all means. Stay with him. But if you have to fear befriending a Non white with fear of what his reaction may be? Then you know what you must do. I feel for you I really do. Take care and good luck.
P.S
To address some of the comments you have received stating that everyone is racist in one way or another. Some people are but some people are not. I for one do not judge anyone based on the color of their skin, their religion, or any other insignificant trait. I have friends of all backgrounds. And each of these people have taught me many lessons in this life. I live on Long Island in New York. I work in Manhattan. I am exposed to every single kind of person imaginable. Do I judge people? I sure do. But I judge people on their intelligence, their demeanor, their kindness and the love they share with the rest of the world. We may only get one chance at this life. Why can't we all make the best of it and treat each other the way we would expect to be treated? Why is that so damn hard? We were all immigrants at one point or another. Unless you are Native American. Your people crossed the seas to get here.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 12, 2008, 12:02 PM

Well for those that know me, while I am white, I have a african american wife and lived in the inner city for years. I have seen racism from its worst sides by both white and black.

Sarah48375 · Apr 12, 2008, 08:33 PM

So of course we had another blow up about race. We were walking out of BW3 and there were many people of different races standing outside and in waiting for a table. As we were leaving he said, "perfect time to leave." I'm already sick as hell with a cold, so I was feeling like crap. I asked him what was wrong with him. They were people waiting for a table. There was nothing to even prompt such a comment (not that there is ever a good reason) other than the fact they were there.

I told him that my sister was dating a black guy, and he got pissed and called her a race trader. He did say he would be nice to them and be seen in public with them because she's my family.

Then things got a little messy. I told him that my cousins were half black. He said that was gross! I got so mad. They're my family... I told him that wasn't gross, and he demanded to know how I was related to them. I told him they were my dad's sister's children. He said, "At least it's not in your blood." He said , "Even if there is a drop of mud in water, it's still muddy water." He said that he would have to end things with me if I had any black in me! I got of his car and walked in my house and have not talked to him since (granted it was like 10 minutes ago). I feel so sick to my stomach!

N0help4u · Apr 12, 2008, 08:49 PM

If you really want to tick him off tell him...
They say Once you go black you never go back!

You could tell him you did a little research and found out that tracing back in your family tree you just discovered that you do have more in common with your bi racial cousins than you thought. Tell him maybe he should search back in his family tree too cause he very well could have some black in him too.
They had a show on Oprah quit a few years back with white, blue eyed blond hair people that traced their family history and found they had some black in them. It is a little more common than people realize.

Sarah48375 · Apr 12, 2008, 09:38 PM

Actually, he is 100% polish...

Alty · Apr 12, 2008, 09:52 PM

That doesn't mean anything, trace back to the beginning.

Racism is racism, I don't think that you have the power to change his mind, this is something he has been taught, and if you keep him around then your daughter will learn as well. It's time to fish or cut bait, either you can accept his racism and stay with him, or you leave. It would take a miracle to change his attitude at this stage in his life.

Oh, and you might want to remind him that we are all members of the human race, no matter the color of our skin.

Alty · Apr 12, 2008, 10:22 PM

Sarah, this man will not see the light, even if it's shone directly into his eyes. He has no tolerance of anyone that's different than him. People are people, skin color doesn't matter, but he will never learn that, not ever. Like I said, fish or cut bait. Personally I think you're better of alone than with a guy like him. There are other fish in the sea, men without prejudice, think of your daughter and what you want for her future, is the example he sets acceptable, can you live with his beliefs?