[TeriToes]

He used to be fabulous.
We're approaching our 4th year of marriage, and man has he changed.
I do all the shopping (food, clothes, hardware stuff, everything), I do all the cleaning, I do the finances, I do everything!
He just lounges around and does whatever he wants.
Now, he finds an excuse to go out almost every night! O I have to go do this, o I have to see my friend for this, o my friend's playing at a bar, I need to go see.
Can I go with him? No
Can he come home and spend an evening with me? Not without a fight and me practically begging.
He thinks spending time together is watching TV together, or hanging time with other people together.
We've had countless discussions where I tell him, I need time to talk to him about anything - without external distraction - it simply doesn't happen.
He doesn't care to spend time with me anymore.
We don't shop together, we don't go anywhere together... he'd much rather do things alone.
I don't want a room mate,. I want a husband.
We talk about it and he says that's not what we are... but I explain it is.
He says he'll spend more time with me, but when in the world is that going to happen!
He has a fantastic job, we live in a great place... what could have changed?

Why why why? I'm going to go crazy.
I hate coming home to an empty house - thank god the dog is here -
I told him I can't be alone all the time - I just can't handle it - does he care?

What should I do?? How do I slap him sensless and let make him wake up!!
Im tired of waiting around for him.
I don't even care for I'm to come home anymore and just prance around - he won't even pick up after himself.

I need advice.

[tickle]

Along with the marriage vows it looks like he got a chief cook, bottle washer and all around housekeeper. Was he always like this ?

Write him an ultimatum if you care to go that far (and I would for sure) and leave it where he will see it, probably taped to his channel changer.

Living as you are is completely unnecessary. Leave the kitchen dirty, bathroom and anything messy and dirty for a change (if you can stand to do that !) and see if it notices

Or what you could do is just put all his possessions out on the lawn and see what he thinks of that.

I am all for independence and sharing.

[450donn]

As long as you allow it it will happen. He is a self centered slob who is probably thinking to himself why am I married? I miss the parties and free sex with strangers that I used to get all the time. Like tickle said, give him an ultimatum, straighten up and fly right or get lost. All I can say is that I hope that there are no children involved.

[squeaks77]

Take him to a show that highlights the differences between the way men and woman think. It would help both of you understand each other more. There are shows like "Defending the Caveman" that are funny and entertaining while still being informational. I had taken an ex to one and it did help me understand him. But the same ex and I just had too different personalities and goals for the relationship to survive.

You can throw his stuff on the lawn or try to get his attention in other ways. Take up a new hobby and make yourself very unavailable. Maybe he needs a bit of chase? Or get a nice pair of thigh high boots and ask his opinion on them before you go out with the girls, leaving him at home :cool:

[sasha_1]

It clearly shows you are doing all the work and he's contributing nothing. For a change, stop doing his work, stop picking after him. Stop preparing his meals, doing his laundry, taking care of finances.

Men (men reading this, please don't take personally, you are fabulous!) never grow up. It seems he got a mother in you. Stop being that. Most times a man will never know how/how to contribute in house work and women have to teach them.

Take time for yourself, dress best and go out with your girlfriends for an evening out. If you are always there waiting for him, he will never know your worth. Men like to chase.

If none of the above work, then of course I would give him the ultimatum.

[N0help4u]

Don't come home to an empty house. Find interests to get involved with. Take a class or a hobby or something.

[sasha_1]

Agrees: Perfect Answer.

[actlikemywife]

As dumb as this sounds, it never fails: Make mashed potatoes. They will never fail you. The more you make, the more he will stay home. Stop worrying about picking up after him and focusing on him. Who cares if his socks are in the middle of the room? Is it worth a fight? When he comes home, look pretty and be happily focused on yourself... things that will make you even more interesting... (as well as an irresistible temptress with delicious home cooked mashed potatoes!)

[the1unv]

I hate to say it but, the more you do for some men the more they want. It sounds like more is going on than just "you". Sounds like he has gotten a second taste of the single life... you do need to get his attention and remind him he is not single. The next time he tells you he is going out to see "Bob" for the night... tell him GOOD... that works out great because I am going out with "Jill" tonight. A couple times of that and I bet he will think twice about what he is doing. If that don't work pack up and spend the week end at Moms or Grandmas... if that don't work... then yes, turn his things into lawn ornimates.
Mike

[N0help4u]

tickle disagrees: I don't think finding a hobby is solving the problem with her husband being a lay-about. She wants companionship on the homefront not a another lifestyle.

She may want companionship on the homefront but she ain't getting it!!
Sometimes when a wife finds an outside life the hubby realizes that YES TWO
Can 'play that game' and suddenly starts coming home so the wife goes back to staying at home. So it is more a 'method to the madness' than 'finding another lifestyle'

At least it worked for me for a little while.
After all nothing else has seemed to work for her.

[s_cianci]

You've received some good answers here. I think that "two can play that game" is a good idea. Since he insists on doing his own thing, follow suit and do likewise. That may get his attention as others have said. If not then maybe the two of you are just too incompatible to have a successful marriage.

[talaniman]

For whatever reason he is taking the happiness, and stability of his home for granted. Be responsible for your own happiness by getting a life that you enjoy, and letting him take care of himself. Not only will you be happier, doing what you enjoy, he will have a chance to see what he is missing, and he will have to get out of his selfish comfort zone, after cooking his own dinner, and doing his own laundry. Why should you do all the work? You shouldn't, and this may open up some much needed communication, and working together, essential for a happy, healthy relationship. The honeymoon is over, but that's no reason not to be nice to each other. First you must be nice to yourself.

[Sumedha20]

Hi, I have been facing a somewhat similar problem.. the problem between me and my husband is that my husband is too attached to his parents and vice versa, and he is most of the times sitting with them.. we both are working and hence get very little time to ourselves, and whatever little time we get, he likes to spend with his parents rather than me.. even I have been married for 4 years and have been facing these issues... I was even contemplating a separation a few weeks back..

But thankfully I got some very good advice from my sister... want to share it with you.. try it and I'm sure things will improve between the both of u... try ignoring him, behave as if you don't care... if he tells u he is going out, just respond by saying an expressionless OK... go out with friends without informing him, go for movies, if u don't have enuf friends or any company, do stuff alone... but don't ask for his company... just be with yourself for a few days, don't show anger or disappointment... just behave as normal as u can... I know its easier said than done, but then this is the only way out... try it once... I am sure he will realize his mistake and come back to you...

Still if he doesn't, then there is no point in carrying the burden of a dead relation...