[Jason8676]

Hello,
Me and my ex-girlfriend have had limited contact since September of last year. She has rarely called and communicates in the form of text messages(which reflects on my cell phone bill as a charge-as minuscule as it might be). I have been reticent to contact her as I think she is seeing somebody else-more than likely living in sin with her new boyfriend if they are not already married(she has married before behind my back and came reeling back after it failed within a month).
To make a long story short, I ended up sending her a present(a ring) about a month ago with a note attached apologizing for whatever it is that I did to push her away from me and telling her that I still loved her. I spent over $150.00 on the ring, not out of a Cracker Jack box but a far cry from Saks Fifth Avenue or Tiffany's. I figured I'd shoulder the blame and be a man in this situation. At worse, I could walk away with my head held high. She supposedly received it on March 6. Well, nearly a month later(on April 1 and 2), she sends two text messages thanking me and then one telling me her sister is getting married in June. I ignored all three messages and have not heard from her since. My theory is she is living with somebody else and didn't visit home until recently. Maybe she was on a trip, but I suspect the former reason. Am I rude for ignoring her text messages? We have been playing this game of texting back and forth and it has not solved anything. I got to the point in February that I was going to quit responding to them. I figure if she wants to talk and work things out, she'll call. In the meantime, I'm not calling her neither. If she's involved with somebody else and possibly in a new living situation, I'm going to respect her decision and leave her alone. She made her choice to leave and I'm trying to live my life as if she is not coming back. Yet she continues to send me pointless text messages from which I can't infer anything other than she is trying to unsettle the waters again. Should I continue to ignore her text messages unless she gives me any indication that she is serious about working things out? I stand by my decision but was curious to see what others thought of this situation. Thanks!
Jason

[justcurious55]

I'm confused. You sent her a ring and still love her but you don't want to talk to her? I think I missed something...

[Jason8676]

Hey justcurious55,
I'm open to talking to this girl, but I refuse to answer anymore of her text messages. It is pointless to text back and forth when a simple phone call will suffice. I get the impression that she is afraid to have an actual phone conversation with me because something is going on with herright now that will upset me if I find out and cause her to lose me for good. I will not call her because I am under the impression that she is with somebody else and therefore has no room for me in her life. When I sent the ring, I was trying to show her that I was sorry-I have no idea as to who is really at fault for this disconnect so I just sucked it up and apologized. I still love her-we've know each other for well over 10 years-even having a child together that later passed away at 11 months and that is not easily dismissed although she seems to find these years worthless. In this day and age of text messages, I-Phones, Blackberries, Bluetooth headsets and all this other high-tech trash, what is so hard about just calling me if she's going to thank me? The gift obviously means nothing to her-she can hock it for all I care. I told her how I felt and I apologized-the ball is squarely in her court. She either wants to come back or she doesn't. It seems like every time I get several weeks behind me without hearing from her-alas, the red message light blinks on my phone out of nowhere. The messages thus far have given me no indication that she wants a reconciliation-I keep construing them as, "she's just trying to play games." Until that text message or phone call comes through that tells me 100% that what we had for the past 10 years meant something, I refuse to communicate with her.
Jason

[justcurious55]

OK. Now I get it. Does she realize that you don't like texts and find them impresonal? I don't think it's rude for you to stop replying to them. Kind of sounds like it's just time for you to move on. You tried to making things work again when you sent her the ring. I think it was rude that 1)she took so long to thank you and 2) she did it through a text. There's not much else you can do.

[Jason8676]

Justcurious55,
You hit the nail on the head. I would be much less likely to complain about this if she just ignored my gift totally. I know that sounds retarded, but when I sent it, I knew that I was taking a gamble. Since she has texted me every now and then, I thought this would be a way to break the ice and get us talking again. The text messages are what gets me hot under the collar. Why can't she just call me? Why can't she sit down and write a letter? The text messages show me that she just does not care. If we were talking again and everything was fine, an occasional text like, "I'll meet you at 8:00" or "call me later" would be all right. To me, it seems like she is playing a game. I talked to her what seemed like eons ago, and she told me that she wanted to get on a cell phone plan that allows unlimited texting. I strongly suspect that she uses the text messages instead of a phone call because she can string me along and her new boyfriend would be none the wiser. Again, I'm not calling her, visiting her, or having any contact with her whatsoever until I get a clear indication that she wants me back in her life and wants to give things another shot. I'm respecting her privacy by leaving her alone. I wish she could respect me and either let me move on or give the relationship the chance it deserves. She is not letting me move forward when she sends these sporadic text messages which have done nothing to salvage our relationship.
The problem with today's society is that nobody seems to give a crap anymore. E-mails and text messages have replaced the traditional letter and phone call. People seem to accept these forms of communication as a way of life. She has shown me that she does not give a crap anymore either. Today's music is the same way-now it seems all anybody ever does in their songs is moan and drone-they seem to be afraid to put forth a sincere, heartfelt effort to sing or play a freaking instrument. Nobody wants to talk anymore-just text it or e-mail it. I'm not responding to anymore of her messages and letting it go. Jason

[Jason8676]

Hello,
Just wanted to add to my last message concerning my ex-girlfriend thanking me via text messages. Several days after I received the text messages(which I blew off as an April Fool's joke and an attempt to be cute in front of her friends), I received a strange phone call at 11:03 at night while I was at work. The area code was adjacent to the one I'm in. No message was left. I have a pretty active imagination and I began wondering if that was her new boyfriend calling to tell me off. Furthermore, I started wondering if she lives with this boyfriend(who could live out of town but within a short commute to my area). I have a feeling she met the new guy at work and they commute together. She told me awhile back that she changed her schedule to 2P.M.-11P.M. Then again, I get several calls per week from a collection agency looking for somebody I've never even heard of. I have gotten calls in the past from this area code-even several messages. One was from a social worker calling to arrange for a home visit between a mother and her two sons. Maybe I'm just over obsessing and going crazy. The above mentioned number has not called back. Nothing has been proven as factual-again it's "just my imagination running away with me" like the song by The Temptations. I keep asking myself, "Why would she text me nearly a month later thanking me for my present and then her boyfriend call several days later to tell me off?"

[kp2171]

She is your ex. If you decide to spend your money on an ex, and she pawns it, sells it, sends it back, keeps it, or flushes it... its not rude.

She is your ex.

No obligations.

Blame society. Blame tech. blame all you want.

The fact is, when its broken, its broken.

You decided to spend coin on an ex. You thought maybe that would show your devotion. Its getting you nowhere.

Lesson learned.

Look... I've been where you are. Fought to get back that girl who, if she only knew how much I cared, should come back begging.

Or not.

Doesn't go that way most of the time.

Here's what you do. Leave her. Go away. Period. She knows where you live, right?

Until she's knocking on your door at night, needing to talk to you, see you, smell you, touch you... she's not yours. Even then, she might just need a comfort fix.

You are both playing head games. You are both wasting your time.

Either you both are all in, or its all over.

Complicate it all you want... it isn't that complicated.

It sucks for you... but it's that simple.

[oneguyinohio]

I hope you told her flat out to call you if she wants to talk, and forget about the text message option. Sometimes you have to be blunt to get what you want. If you keep trying to figure out the motives or reasons other people do the things they do, you will go bonkers before long. Don't stew about what other people do, or don't do, just be clear with them what you want... so if you don't get it, there won't be any doubt that they knew. If you assume they should have known, that still doesn't tell you for sure that they did know.

[Jason8676]

Kp2171 and oneguyinohio,
I totally agree with both of your posts. I have left this girl alone since I sent the gift and intend to do so until I get a clear indication that she wants to work things out. So she has a new boyfriend(or maybe not-but I'm going to assume she does)-she made her choice and I'm not going to interfere. She definitely knows where I live, knows my work schedule, and knows my phone number-I'll know without the shadow of a doubt if she ever decides to come back. I have not made my wishes known to her, however, about ceasing the text messages and calling if she really wants to talk. She is pretty sensitive and if I tell her so, she may take it the wrong way. I'm thinking about telling her, though. Given the way she has been texting me here and there, I thought that by sending her a gift as gesture that I was sorry for not devoting more attention and time to her and telling her that I still loved her, it might give things the extra push to get us talking again-but it appears that it failed. But I gambled-I tried... in the end that is all you can take comfort in. Thanks for the replies and take care. Jason

[Becca1025]

I agree with KP. It sucks, we all know that because the majority of us have been there done that. Delete her number from your phone, do not try to contact her again, and definitely do not buy her anything. All that will do is make you think "hey maybe there is still a chance" when there isn't. The fact that she can't even CALL you to thank you, is just rude anyway. You said you "intend" to leave her alone until she wants to work things out, Don't do that! It's over, move on. If it doesn't work the first time, it probably won't work a second time and if it works a second time, it most definitely won't work a third time. You did your "gamble" and you tried, and it did not work. So stop doing this to yourself and thinking there is still a chance, there isn't. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just trying to tell you how it is. Once you realize it's over and done with and that you shouldn't even try, then you will feel so much better.

[Jason8676]

Becca1025,
I agree with your last post. I am never going to contact her again-you can bet on that. Mother's Day is coming up, with her birthday to follow in June. She is getting nothing else from me-period. Not a card, not a phone call-anything.In the past, I treated her to dinner and/or a present on Mother's Day since we did have a daughter together(who passed away at 11 months). I'm sure our daughter is looking on right now, thinking what a shame it is that her mom and dad could never make it work-maybe that's why she passed on so soon. I believe that even an infant can innately sense when there is tension between its parents. I ended up taking care of her for the short time she was alive because her mother had some psychological problems following the birth and was heavily medicated. The present sort of gave myself some closure-maybe if she ever thinks of me now and then she'll remember that I did try and I also left her alone when things didn't go as I had wished. I can walk away knowing that I tried to put things right and I told her how I felt. We have been broken up before and she always comes running back when her new lover turns out to be a flop. Regardless, I may sound a little cocky-but whoever this girl is seeing now has no idea about what he's in for should they have any children. She couldn't be a fit mother the first time and the child almost went into foster care because of her crap. I knew her for over 10 years and thought I understood what made her tick. The next guy may not be as patient with her. When and if she ever comes back, there will be no sympathy from me. The last time she did this, I just laughed in her face when she told me she slept with somebody else. She has put me through so much hell that I am not fazed anymore. I can accept the fact that it is over and I'm now on day 41 of not talking to her. It gets easier and easier as time goes on. Thank you for your insight and take care. Jason

[dontknownuthin]

I think a month-later text reply to the type of gift you described from someone who is receiving a profession of your love is beyond rude. It's bizarre. The ony reason for it is that she's playing games, either because she's enjoys the sport of it, is with someone else, or unintentionally because she's not clear in her own feelings.

I suggest you pick up the phone, as her to meet you for a date, and talk things through. Then be direct but kind. If she hedges around your questions or doubletalks, or is not "available" to meet you, you need to be done with her permanently... she's not the one.

[justcurious55]

I disagree with dontknownuthin, don't waste the time calling her. Move on.

[Jason8676]

Hey Dontknownuthin and justcurious55,
Thank you for your replies. I partially agree with you, Dontknownuthin. I am sure she is with somebody else and she might be confused about her feelings for me as this other person is in the picture. She didn't "point-blank" tell me things were over and I didn't break things off either. She just complained about me hardly calling her and not feeling like doing the things she wanted(like go to the mall and shop, etc). Then one day in September of last year she just decided to run for greener pastures. I am extremely exhausted during the day since I work long hours at night(anywhere from 50-60 per week). I have bills to pay, rent, and I am independent. She's 25, lives with(or did live with her parents-if she lives with her new stud-oh well. I hope he's as responsible as me or she's in for a world of hurt). She doesn't understand what it is like to be on your own and she could barely manage her money without her mom's help. She was pretty much broke all the time, yet she expected me to jump at her every whim when she wanted to go out. I'm extremely proud and stubborn and it took a lot for me to lose it and send her an apology and present. I could see where she might have felt some neglect on my part. I have no regrets about the gift. I told her how I felt, and I ended the note with, "...and if you never return, I'll understand." It has been about 21 days since her last text message. While setting up a date might be with good intent, the reality is that she is with somebody else and has no place for me in her life-I'm basically a piece of crap to her. I'm starting to feel better about myself and getting a clearer perspective on things. Contacting her would just set me back in much the same way a nuclear war could send us back to the Stone Age. She made her choice to move on and nothing I do or say is going to bring her back. It's in God's hands now. I'm never going to contact her again and the friendship and relationship that was between us is obliterated as though it never existed. There are plenty of girls out there who can appreciate what I have to offer, so I am moving on. Again, thanks for the replies and take care. Jason

[N0help4u]

Sounds to me like she is not interested. I agree if she were then she would have taken the time to call you and thank you for the ring, said what's up and at the very very least said can we get together for lunch sometime?
I think she is trying to avoid you and wants to give you that impression by texting instead of calling because she doesn't want to encourage you or get your hopes up that there may be more. She probably even mentioned her sisters wedding so that you would get the clue that since she didn't say want to go with me that you would see she can bring something two months from now up but can't even suggest getting together.
I agree with Ohioguy you need to be blunt and tell her that you want to talk or not but NO texts
What does it matter what her reasons are? It won't change anything.

[Jason8676]

NOhelp4u,
Thank you for your post. I am under the impression that she is not interested as well. The last time I actually talked to her, she told me that she "liked" somebody else. I replied with"Well, I guess there's no sense in me hanging around is there?" She proceeded to tell me, "No, don't say that. I'm not happy right now." I'm sure she has already slept with him and done every other vile thing known to mankind but I'm not losing sleep over it. I was in her life for 10 years but now I'm gone. She'll never see or hear from me again. Granted, we have several "falling out" instances in the past where we did not speak for long periods and then she'll come back(when the relationship with the new stud isn't what it's cracked up to be). This one is different because there are text messages from her every now and then. Regardless, I'm moving on knowing I tried to show her my love. She rejected me so there is nothing else I can do-its all about choice and free will. Again, thanks for the reply and take care. JAson

[kp2171]

The last time I actually talked to her, she told me that she "liked" somebody else. I replied with"Well, I guess there's no sense in me hanging around is there?" She proceeded to tell me, "No, don't say that. I'm not happy right now."

So... she wants you to stay around because she's not happy?. wow. So shed like you to be the shoulder she leans on to get over you. How twisted and wacked is that?

Glad you've had enough.

[Jason8676]

kp2171,
You bet I've had enough. What's more, she proceeded to ask me why her relationships never work out. It's the same ol' song and dance with her. She left me for almost 3 weeks 2 years ago-came back crying, saying she slept with the guy but was not happy and wanted me back. She left me almost 4 years ago, whoring around behind my back with some other guy about a month before our daughter was born. I did not find out until after the birth from one of her friends and I dumped her shortly after she left the hosptal(which our daughter was born premature and still fighting for her life in the neonate ICU). She came back after the guy cheated on her. She left me back in 2003, came back when the new boyfriend smothered her incessantly-clingy, obsessive, etc. I bet the guy she's with must be something-well hung, nice car, nice body, loaded, and patient enough to put up with her faults(I say this with some sarcasm)-this crap has been going on since September of last year. It looked as though we were about to reconcile around Christmas, but too many things about her behavior set off some alarms and I told her to get out of my life until she decides what she wants. That pushed her further away, which caused me to second guess myself thinking, "Maybe I was too mean to her." That is why I sent the gift-if we never talk again, she'll at least know that I was sorry and how I felt. She has a history of keeping me around-never officially breaking up-while she sows her wild oats. Like I said, I'll never see her or talk to her again. I'm dead to her or maybe she's dead to me. If she thinks I'm just going to contact her down the line or show up unexpectedly, she's dead wrong. Everything that existed between me and her is dead, except maybe I feel more and more animosity and hate towards her for what she's put me through. Thanks for your reply... take care. Jason

[N0help4u]

You were not too mean to her. She needs to be bluntly talked to. She is only thinking about what she wants a the moment and not considering or caring about any long term effects. She needs to grow up and realize that life and people's feelings are not to be treated like today I want vanilla ice cream and tomorrow I want rocky road ice cream and next week I go back to vanilla ice cream.

[Jason8676]

N0help4u,
She has A lot of growing up to do-and she's 25. That was why I have not married her by now. She SUPPOSEDLY has my engagement ring and I don't plan on asking for it back. I'm just writing the whole thing off and moving on. Whatever she did with it is her business. The way I am starting to feel now is that she can just stick it where the sun don't shine. I bought that ring when my mom was dying with cancer back in 2000. I still feel cold and selfish to this day as that money could have been spent to make my mom's last days more pleasant-like a trip to a place she always dreamed of or whatever she wished. I was too busy trying to impress this poor excuse for a woman. If we married, it would've ended in divorce anyway because I told her the first time she cheats, her bags are going to packed and out on the curb. I will not be married to somebody like that. She has some psychological problems(depresson, schizo-affective, and some bi-polar) for which she is taking medications. Still, there is no excuse for this crap. She's only screwing herself by bouncing from one relationship to the next and making herself vulnerable. I have never cheated on her, hit her(I wouldn't dare hit a woman-no matter how mad they may make me), I and I've forgiven her time and again but this is it. Thanks for the reply and take it easy... Jason