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monique_minx · Mar 31, 2008, 01:21 AM

I'm a poet and I can't even write my usual depressive anecdotes anymore, I've been abandoned by my mother, dumped by my boyfriend on Easter, backstabbed by my best friend of 5 years, my godmother died, my sister nearly died last year, my father nearly died last year as he suffered another heart attack, I can't work cause I can't afford to get there, I'm more like a mum to my two younger sister than their big sis and I'm just so very depressed and alone. I'm 18 years old, have been for six months, I haven't been out in all that time cause I can't afford it, I can't even listen to my music because my stereo's broken and I can't afford to fix it, I can't even see my friends cause they live so far away and are always so busy. I would still be drinking if I could afford it, I feel like I'm cracking up and I'm all alone...
My dad is working all the time just to keep the roof over our heads, every second week I don't eat so my sisters can (most of the time they can) I can't get into study cause we can't afford it and I'm so depressed no one will give me a job even if I could get there. Can somebody please help me?
I don't want to burden my family with my problems. I hoped by now that my father wouldn't have to work as hard but now he has to work three times as hard without mum helping to pay bills. I'm 18 so I get paid minimum wage no matter where I go, it's about $10 an hour and I barely get 20 hours a week! Plus I have my two sisters to care for since my dad is on nightshift four nights a week. I get $207 from centrelink a fortnight, like they think I can survive on that or something! I don't know what to do anymore...

Clough · Mar 31, 2008, 02:21 AM

Are there any positive things that you can think of that have happened to you in recent days? I do know what it's like to feel like you are at the "rock bottom" of things!

You have the power to turn "scars into stars!" It's all a matter of choice and how your attitude toward things is.

Since you are poet, would you mind sharing some of what you have written with us here? If you would do that, it would help us to get a glimpse of more of who you are and what/how you are thinking.

We would be able to help you better then!

I know that there will be others who will be along to advise you here...

Thank you!

Allheart · Mar 31, 2008, 03:21 AM

Originally Posted by monique_minx

I'm a poet and I can't even write my usual depressive anecdotes anymore, I've been abandoned by my mother, dumped by my boyfriend on Easter, backstabbed by my best friend of 5 years, my godmother died, my sister nearly died last year, my father nearly died last year as he suffered another heart attack, I can't work cause I can't afford to get there, I'm more like a mum to my two younger sister than their big sis and I'm just so very depressed and alone. I'm 18 years old, have been for six months, I haven't been out in all that time cause I can't afford it, I can't even listen to my music because my stereo's broken and I can't afford to fix it, I can't even see my friends cause they live so far away and are always so busy. I would still be drinking if I could afford it, I feel like I'm cracking up and I'm all alone...
My dad is working all the time just to keep the roof over our heads, every second week I don't eat so my sisters can (most of the time they can) I can't get into study cause we can't afford it and I'm so depressed no one will give me a job even if I could get there. Can somebody please help me?
I don't want to burden my family with my problems. I hoped by now that my father wouldn't have to work as hard but now he has to work three times as hard without mum helping to pay bills. I'm 18 so I get paid minimum wage no matter where I go, it's about $10 an hour and I barely get 20 hours a week! Plus I have my two sisters to care for since my dad is on nightshift four nights a week. I get $207 from centrelink a fortnight, like they think I can survive on that or something! I don't know what to do anymore...

Sweetheart,

You have more on your plate then one young lady should ever have. Bless you.
Because there is so much, to help work through it, scale it down...

Focus on Dad, your siblings and you. That's it. You don't have to be religious to contact
A church to seek assistance. Meaning perhaps they know of some organziations that can help.

I promise you, although these trials are many, they will make you stronger and when something good happens, you will be able to embrace it with all your heart.

I can only imagine, the pain that Mom has caused your heart and I am so sorry, so very sorry for that. Mom, is better off away for now, working out whatever she needs to.
See, the thing about parents is, we forget, they are only human and sometimes make mistakes, but what they don't realize is the effect it has on their children.

You are a beautiful bright and loving young lady. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I'd give you the world right now if I could. And trust me I have my thinking cap on ;)
Would you be comfortable giving us a general idea where you are located, and we can look up organzations that are close to you. If not, please I understand.

Please stay in touch with us. My heart, our hearts are with you.

I know you are out of school now, but maybe this video can help, it gives a phone number to call.

Much love and care to you,
Allheart

Chery · Mar 31, 2008, 01:08 PM

Hi monique_minx. Welcome to AMHD - you came to the right place.

Even though we cannot snap our fingers and make things change, we can support you with our spirits and best wishes.

You came here.. honey, that means you are seeking for a way to go on with help in dealing with all that's on your plate instead of just giving up. That is one step you took that makes you different from a lot of other young people that have similar or worse, yes, even worse problems than you have - and I am proud of you for this step you took because I know how hard it is to vent and ask for help from strangers.

After reading both of your posts, I remembered many times in my life when I was on the edge of feeling so darned helpless and hopeless that it hurt beyond words. Being 57 now, and not having the internet or knowing that there were associations and therapists, social workers, pastors and more to reach out to made my trip to adulthood even harder because I thought I had no place at all to reach out to.

One thing I do know is that this is not your fault, not your dad's illness, your mom's leaving, the economic state that is on hold and not giving you a chance to make a decent living... none of these are your fault!

You are a very caring young lady with at least a few things going for you.. your poetry and family members you love - and I'm sure that you feel their helplessness and pain too - but you could all share these hours together and hug and console each other to try and make it a little easier at home emotionally. Whatever happens, please don't do the silent bit and carry the burden all on your own. Just as you probably had the opportunity to laugh together in the past, you also now have the opportunity to cry together, grow stronger together and bond - no matter what else gets thrown in your way in the future.

Also, know that we are here for you 24/7 and you can vent all you need to at any time. You can cry here, get downright angry and tell us about your day, your family and how you feel about them and what your wishes and goals are. We will be here to listen and as I said before, try and support you with our hearts and hopes.

Don't give up honey, stay with us and know that you are not alone.

firmbeliever · Mar 31, 2008, 01:49 PM

Hi Nikki,

Sorry to hear you are in such sad times,but I agree with the others who have given you such good advice and support,so much to think about.

Practically I think it would be nice if you could find a help/resource centre near you for young women which will help you cope and/or help you in searching for avenues of earning.
Other than that I can recommend reading,maybe a library nearby?You could spend some time every week there,read the newspapers or books whichever interests you.
Let that be your time,where you can escape into fictitious stories or real ife dramas,or you could look up the newspapers there for anything that might be of help to you in finding a job and/or help centre.

I also found this(maybe another member could verify if this is a good place for Nikki or not?)
U.S. Department of Labor - Job Corps - What Is Job Corps?

Keep writing here Nikki.
.

AKaeTrue · Mar 31, 2008, 08:38 PM

You are going through a lot and it is very unfortunate and I'm sorry for that.
Please don't let the wrong doings done by other people and the struggles
You're going through right now in life lead you to believe that things cannot get better - because they can.
We are here to support you and listen, just hang in there.

monique_minx · Apr 1, 2008, 01:38 AM

Am i worth saving yet?

Tragedy has struck me again and again,

Backstabbed by my best friend.

Boyfriend left me in tears,

Holding onto my sweet fears.

Unemployed and broke,

No, it's not a joke.

Godmother had a stroke and passed away,

Left me wordless, nothing to say.

Sister cracked her skull and almost died,

My best friend's stuff that got fried.

I fell down the stairs and it scared me,

Tears still streaming and I can't see.

Sister slicing her wrists so she can feel,

How can this all be real?

Mother abandons my family,

Still we're here, I'm still me.

Tears are streaming,

Sister's screaming.

Can't break through the pain,

Heart breaks again and again.

Dog gets stolen and we weren't home,

No just sister's boyfriend alone.

Mother stole her and never came back,

How did things go from grey to black?

Dad suffers mild heart attack,

Thought he would die and I'd crack.

Scars from where a dog bit me,

With me forever can't you see?

Like the scars where my heart used to be,

Boyfriend ripped it out for free.

Costs so much to love so deeply,

Stop breaking me, I break so easy.

Can't stop loving, can't stop trusting,

Can't stop caring, can't stop fussing.

It's like I want so much to be loved,

But I'm just asking to be hurt.

If this is what it is to be human,

Then I don't want to be human no more.

I'd rather be dead then be hurt again,

By family, by boyfriend or by best friend.

No more and so there is one thing I want to know,

Just before everyone leaves to go.

I know that we've only just met,

But tell me, am I worth saving yet?

This is the last poem I wrote, thanks for everything guys, you made me cry!
I didn't think anyone would post a comment, I didn't think anyone would care.
I live in Ipswich, Queensland, Australia. That general area so that U.S jobs corps thing won't really be of much help to me, sorry.

For leaving me...

Do I hate you or love you

For leaving me?

Am I angry at you or sad about you

For leaving me?

I'm so much because you left me

Mostly I'm confused

Because I love you so much

Yet hate you at the same time

For leaving me.

My heart is breaking

I can feel it

It hurts and yet I'm numb

I want so much to live without you

Cause you hurt me so badly

But my heart won't let me move on

No matter if I'm angry or sad

I'm still thinking of you.

Are you sorry?

Do you care?

Do you love me still?

Are you thinking of me too?

Do you want it to be over?

Or do you regret it?

Why can't I get closure?

Why won't you tell me?

Why won't you answer my messages?

Why won't you talk to me?

And why are the questions neverending?

Why do the tears still flow?

You've moved on and I'm still standing here

Right where you left me

Tried to take my life for you

Over you

I reached for you

And you pulled away

I screamed for you

And you were deaf to me

All I need is you

And you closed your eyes.

So tell me my lovely why do I still hold my hand out?

Why do I still hear your voice?

And why do I still see you even when my eyes are closed?

Because I love you...

Even though you've left me...

And that's another one, the first one I wrote after my boyfriend dumped me.

Insides Shattered...

I'm lying on the floor,
Something you ignored.
You say you have a heart?
You said we'd never part.
To have a heart you need a beat,
You just stare at your feet.
No love I can live without you,
I can move past you.
I am loved beyond words,
I can fly with the birds.
I can live and I will laugh,
You can't say as much by half.
You two deserve each other,
You treated me just as bad as my mother.
But I assure you I can find another,
Someone who wants to be my lover.
So why don't you watch and hover?
I'm not taking it and ducking for cover.
You know I'm right so you avoid me,
I'll still be all that I know I can be.
You're beneath the dirt on which I stand,
What I want is a real man.
Goodbye Callum and love your ,
I know on your belt she's another stitch.
And I hate you so much for loving you so well,
Please my sweet love go and rot in hell.
You're a liar and she's a backstabber,
So my darling you can have her!!

That's the angry one and I wish, I really wish I felt that way but my heart won't let me move on and it just hurts more than it usually would. I actually loved Callum and I had already gone through so much so I think that's why it hurts more now then it would have two years ago...

Clough · Apr 1, 2008, 02:04 AM

Originally Posted by monique_minx
This is the last poem I wrote, thanks for everything guys, you made me cry!
I didn't think anyone would post a comment, I didn't think anyone would care.
I live in Ipswich, Queensland, Australia. That general area so that U.S jobs corps thing won't really be of much help to me, sorry.

Oh, yes! We will be here for you! We really do care! Please just keep posting. For our own times, some of us are on really late at night or very early in the morning. At least, that has been my experience with those on this site who are best able to respond to questions like yours.

Please do continue to share with us in whatever way that you can here!

I do like the way that you express yourself through your writing! I used to do that a lot when I was younger and in love or having difficulties of whatever kind.

I did promise that others would be along. They already have, and I'm sure that they will continue to come and share with you to help you to sort things out for yourself as you go through this difficult time in your life and to plan for your future.

Allheart · Apr 1, 2008, 02:14 AM

Monique,

My goodness are you talented. The sad truth is, it's possible that if you didn't have so many bumps in the road, this beautiful poetic spirit of yours would never have been born.

I would much rather you never have had any hurts, but as Clough said, turn it into stars.

There are some Aussie's that are members here and my know some organizations in your area to help you through these difficult times.

In the meantime sweetheart, you have us, and we are here to stay!!

Clough · Apr 1, 2008, 02:31 AM

It's so very true that the "bumps in the road" can lead to turning us into the good artists that we might be! I know that has been true in my life!

Allheart · Apr 1, 2008, 03:06 AM

Monique,

Since you were so giving to share your beautiful heart and words, I wrote a little something for you...

( I gigle, because I do not posses the incredible talent that you have been blessed with, but I share with you anyway :), in hope that some sun peaks through.

I know that I can make it

I know that I can make it
Even during those dark moments when I think “I just can't take it”

There are clouds above my head, but with the sun peaking through
I will stare at the sunshine and work through the rain and all it's dew

And through all trials, I know I will sustain
A peace and tranquility, that is mine to behold
And I never ever will allow myself to fold

Because in this big huge world, in this far away land
There are people who truly care and who will take my hand
I shared my heart, and to my surprise, they truly seem to understand

I know that I can make it, although, the road seems long
I have an inner strength that will never abandon me or do me wrong

I think I can finally smile at the world today
Because I realized, I can make it, just taking it day by day.

In my thoughts,
Allheart

Clough · Apr 1, 2008, 03:23 AM

Originally Posted by Allheart

Monique,

Since you were so giving to share your beautiful heart and words, I wrote a little something for you...

( I gigle, because I do not posses the incredible talent that you have been blessed with, but I share with you anyway :), in hope that some sun peaks through.

I know that I can make it

I know that I can make it
Even during those dark moments when I think “I just can't take it”

There are clouds above my head, but with the sun peaking through
I will stare at the sunshine and work through the rain and all it's dew

And through all trials, I know I will sustain
A peace and tranquility, that is mine to behold
And I never ever will allow myself to fold

Because in this big huge world, in this far away land
There are people who truly care and who will take my hand
I shared my heart, and to my surprise, they truly seem to understand

I know that I can make it, although, the road seems long
I have an inner strength that will never abandon me or do me wrong

I think I can finally smile at the world today
Because I realized, I can make it, just taking it day by day.

In my thoughts,
Allheart

Wow, that was powerful, Allheart and very well spoken! It would seem that you and Monique have quite a bit in common in sharing thoughts! I know that what you have written has touched me in a special way!

Allheart · Apr 1, 2008, 04:44 AM

Thank so much Clough truly.

Monique, you are never ever ever and one more time ever :) alone.

cal823 · Apr 1, 2008, 05:25 AM

Monique, spirits never die. If your spirit was crushed/died, you would not be speaking to us would you?
And as allheart said, you are never alone! There are always people willing to help you, to love you even.
As long as you keep trying, you are never defeated, and as long as you live, you can always keep trying.
Just remember, no matter how bad things are, someone has endured and overcome worse, and if they can do it, so can you! All people are wonderful and beautiful in their own way and are capable of overcoming any obstacle!
Good luck, but I really hope you can pick yourself up, and I really hope you keep persevering with life and never give up, because when you do that, you make your own good luck.

Chery · Apr 1, 2008, 09:36 AM

Believe it or not, my dear.. you are worth it! Your poems are painfully beautiful. If you would have a care-free life, I don't think your talent would have developed as fully as it has.

Most talented people, such as actors,writers, poets, scientists.. and helpful people such as most therapists today have gone through a terrible childhood - just the experience alone made them determined to be better and not give up - it actually helped them in their determination to develop and grow into the persons they are now. I know doctors who wanted to become doctors because someone in their own family suffered terrible illnesses - it drove them to search for answers to help others.

Just think, if I gave up at your age, I would not now have the chance to experience my grandson... even if it is only a little while because I have cancer and will not last the year. I still don't give up and enjoy every minute that I get a chance to be with him and my daughter. Those few moments make up for all the pain I experience 24 hours mostly through other illnesses too. That is why I don't plan on surgery or chemo - because I want to go with love, warmth and dignity and not in a cold and sterile hospital. There were many times in life where I could have given up but I am glad that I did not, no matter what came at me - (childbeating from my mother, rape, spouse abuse, mobbing at work, and painful illnesses just to name a few) I always kept that glimmer of hope that would not let me throw myself away because I truly believe that every one of us has a right to be here and we also have the right to try and make the best of our lives no matter what is thrown our way to try and stop us or take away that hope.

Don't let anything get in your way, keep the faith, and by all means use that beautiful talent of yours to the fullest. Submit your poems and maybe you will be rewarded emotionally and financially with this talent.

I for one wish you all the best and hope sincerely that you will embrace your family and build your strength and stamina in every way possible.

We will not give up on you, so stay with us with determination.

Life can really suck, but I wouldn't trade the good times I was blessed with and the strength it gave me.

Uruha · Apr 1, 2008, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by monique_minx

I'm a poet and I can't even write my usual depressive anecdotes anymore, I've been abandoned by my mother, dumped by my boyfriend on Easter, backstabbed by my best friend of 5 years, my godmother died, my sister nearly died last year, my father nearly died last year as he suffered another heart attack, I can't work cause I can't afford to get there, I'm more like a mum to my two younger sister than their big sis and I'm just so very depressed and alone. I'm 18 years old, have been for six months, I haven't been out in all that time cause I can't afford it, I can't even listen to my music because my stereo's broken and I can't afford to fix it, I can't even see my friends cause they live so far away and are always so busy. I would still be drinking if I could afford it, I feel like I'm cracking up and I'm all alone...
My dad is working all the time just to keep the roof over our heads, every second week I don't eat so my sisters can (most of the time they can) I can't get into study cause we can't afford it and I'm so depressed no one will give me a job even if I could get there. Can somebody please help me?
I don't want to burden my family with my problems. I hoped by now that my father wouldn't have to work as hard but now he has to work three times as hard without mum helping to pay bills. I'm 18 so I get paid minimum wage no matter where I go, it's about $10 an hour and I barely get 20 hours a week! Plus I have my two sisters to care for since my dad is on nightshift four nights a week. I get $207 from centrelink a fortnight, like they think I can survive on that or something! I don't know what to do anymore...

I can kind of relate to your situation, but not entirely. My birth mom gave me up for adoption when I was 2, after my father died. Then she completely left me this year. All I have is my boyfriend and myself. My advice to you at this point would be, don't lose for dying, don't give up, just wait and it'll all get better

firmbeliever · Apr 1, 2008, 12:21 PM

Hi Nikki,

Sorry I hadn't first asked where you are from before I linked you to a US service.

http://www.women.qld.gov.au/About+us/Womens+Infolink

The following link is about the poetry institute of Australia and it seems they award cash prizes for winning entries.Thought you might like to look into it.
http://www.art-search.com.au/qld/art...inment/poetry/
Javascript:Popup_Window('http://www.art-search.com.au/listing/19980/poetry_institute_of_australia', 764, 560);

I hope you find courage to go on in such hard times with all these wonderful people here to support you.

Allheart · Apr 2, 2008, 01:05 AM

Good Morning our beautiful Monique,

How are you today. I have always loved Mariah Carey - I found this video this morning, and I found it moving... and thought of you.

I hope you like it.

monique_minx · Apr 2, 2008, 01:40 AM

Yeah I guess, I love to write, it's my favourite thing in the world unless I'm studying sharks I'm usually writing poetry. I want to be a poet and get published but it's so difficult cause there isn't a big market for poetry, no one really reads it anymore. I don't write about things I'm not passionate about and I think a lot of teenagers could actually relate to it if I could just get published but I need a Literary agent for it and when I tried to contact one via emails, they never get back to me and that's a real let down for me cause I really care about what I'm writing.
It's not just about words or messages, I pour my heart and soul into what I write and when someone tells me it means nothing, there's nothing that hurts me more than that...

Allheart · Apr 2, 2008, 03:23 AM

Originally Posted by monique_minx

Yeah I guess, I love to write, it's my favourite thing in the world unless I'm studying sharks I'm usually writing poetry. I want to be a poet and get published but it's so difficult cause there isn't a big market for poetry, no one really reads it anymore. I don't write about things I'm not passionate about and I think a lot of teenagers could actually relate to it if I could just get published but I need a Literary agent for it and when I tried to contact one via emails, they never get back to me and that's a real let down for me cause I really care about what I'm writing.
It's not just about words or messages, I pour my heart and soul into what I write and when someone tells me it means nothing, there's nothing that hurts me more than that...

Monique -

Here is also another poetry site. Seems, you can register for free and publish your poems. Also, I think they have a poetry excellence award running now.
Poetry Forum -- Post Poetry -- The Poet Sanctuary Poetry Forum -- Free Poetry Community