[SJB1701E]

I broke NC at several peoples suggestions.

I texted her "Hey you just wanted to say hey and how are you?"
Texted me back, "I was just about to send you a text asking you the same thing. I'm at work can you talk?"

I told her I could talk before I go to work. She called me and we talked for an hour. Laughed and joked around like old times. It felt so natural. She said she was afraid to talk to me because she thought I didn't want to talk to her. She said she's not over me at all and that she did't want to break up in the first place but couldn't handle the way I was treating her at the time. She kept asking questions about if we started over would it be better. I told her I thought so and that I'd learned a lot about myself. She asked what and I told her and told her how much I regretted the way I treated her and the way I drove her away. She said she was really sorry and that she didn't make it any easier on me. She admitted to being a b!tch to me. She said she's not sure about being in a relationship right now and I told her I wasn't ready right this moment either. I told her I'm still tryign to get myself together and she said she was doing the same. She told me she had turned down a few guys and that she wasn't anywhere close to being over me. She said serveral times how much she missed me. She asked if I still loved her and I told her I didn't think I should answer that question. She asked what if she still feels that way for me and I said that she would have to be honest about it to me. She kept asking me if I was dating anyone or interested in anyone. She asked me if I'd slept with anyone or done anything. I was honest and told her I don't believe in one night stands or meaningless sex. She said she'd kept her legs closed. She told me she wasn't interrested in anyone and I took her word for it. I asked her out to lunch for her birthday (Apr 6) and she said yes and couldn't contain her excitement. She kept going on and on about it. We're not back together and I don't know that we will be but I think its at least something. I was very clear to her that I can't be "just friends" with her and that I am still interrested in her. She seemed interrested in planning other "dates" with me as well and we're going to drive to the mountains on Friday the 18th together. I don't know where to go from here. I told her we could be friends for now and see where it goes, but that I'm not interrested in being "just friends" and won't settle for the friends slot.

I'm trying not to have expectations. I know I could be in for a world more hurt and disappointment. I'm trying to just see what happens. Like I said I'm trying to be cautious and not get my hopes up. Please give me your thoughts on it.

[JBeaucaire]

Well, I'm not a big fan of diving back in, but you do at least SOUND like you two are aware of what each of you did wrong the first time. Starting over is always possible, but remember it is starting over.

This means other than for the sake of conversational continuity, you don't get any stars for past performance. You and she both have to re-earn the "permanent" position, so start dating slowly and don't presume ANYTHING.

Keep your humor about you this time, especially if you feel yourself getting angry about stuff. Maturity means being understanding of other's opinions without needing to change them or convince them. Just understanding.

Right/Wrong arguments are a loser. It's all about understanding each other.

Keep your eyes open and don't ignore her bad behaviors if they start again. Calmly and humorously point them out, and if they don't change, start dating some others at the same time until she gets the point or you get a better option in another girl.

Good luck to you.

[SJB1701E]

I'm trying really hard not to be so pig headed and stubborn. I bit my tongue a few times because she started to get a little upset at me. I bit my tongue took it in stride and brushed it off with a bit of humor and vulnerability. This got her so start fessing up to her own mistakes saying she drove me to my behavior and she easily became receptive to me. I'm learning to be calmer and not so argumenitive in a way that doesn't make me a doormat. A difficult balance. That's one of the reasons I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship yet. I need to be stable emotionally and I'm not right now. Neither is she. If this does work out, me and her are going to have to take it slow.

[talaniman]

Like I said I'm trying to be cautious and not get my hopes up. Please give me your thoughts on it.

One date at a time, To early to plan to far down the road. Wait and see what the next day brings for now. You both are feeling each other out, and putting your best foot forward, for the other to see. Go slow guy. Build on honest expression and communication. Think before you speak, or act.

[confused25]

Second chances are extremely rare, so when they come along its important to seize them. However, just as everyone has already said, be cautious and take things slow. I would also add that you should go into this with low expectations that way your heart isn't crushed a second time around.

Be very careful. You two are rather different people since the break up, but if you think about it you're not that much different. It's only been a few weeks so the thoughts and feelings from the break-up are still very much fresh in both of your minds. Consequently, this means that it is very likely that old arguments that were never settled will quickly pop back up. If that's the case than just stay calm and cool about the whole thing. Remember how you acted before and do things differently this time around.

Most of us in life never get second chances, instead we get different opportunities. There is nothing wrong with that, its just how life works. Yet, when a second chance does come by, take it and make sure you don't let it go to waste.

[SJB1701E]

Its funny I was so dead set on wanting her back but now that I'm talking to her, I'm not sure about my own feelings anymore. There are things that really worry me about her right now. Its like Tal said, we're feeling each other out. I don't know if she's who I thought she was. I've got some thinking to do.

[talaniman]

I ask this all the time... Whats the freakin' hurry!

[SJB1701E]

I'm not trying to hury Tal. If anything what I'm saying is I want to go slower. I'm not liking what I'm seeing up front. But then again, talking on the phone was like old times. But we've been texting today and there are some things right up front that just turned me off. Too personal to get into. I'm going to feel it out though. And if anything, I am going to go slower.

I'm going to try to take my own advice. My old relationship is over and dead. I'm going to treat this as if I'm going on a first date with a new girl. No expectations, no baggage, just a fun time and see what happens. The only history between us I would hope to bring up is the happy fun times. Try to use nostalgia in my favor. Other than that I'm just going on a date with a pretty girl that I'm interested in. Good attitude to have?

[duck22]

I think you are being smart for not trying to pick up where you left off. Good luck, Im interested to see how this works out for you.

[confused25]

Other than that I'm just going on a date with a pretty girl that I'm interested in. Good attitude to have?

That's the best attitude to have. You are starting over and for that to happen you have to let go of the past. However, I stand by my advice in the previous post on this question. Your break-up occurred not too long ago so everything is still fresh in one another's minds and therefore starting over is a little more difficult. I'm positive that the past is bound to come up when you two are interacting. When, and if, the past does come up I would suggest you say something along these lines: "You know that was a rough time for both of us, and I understand your concerns. We both made mistakes and I'm sorry for the things I did to hurt you, but lets try to forget all that and start fresh. I really care about you and I don't want the ghosts of the past to ruin what we potentially have."

[Leonstryfe]

A lot of people here agree that NC must no be broken. Why? It is because from their own experiences, that resuming contact with an Ex will just hurt you further... and bring back unwanted painful feelings. I have to agree, it does hurt... However...

It seems that you are very much well aware of the situation and as long as you are jumping into the situation with your head and not your heart... and that you are also aware of the consequences... good and bad... then by all means go for it. Second chances ARE rare indeed... however I have to admit... I am always pro-second chances... (unless something irreversible (cheating) happens)... Good luck man...

[SJB1701E]

So since I have broken no contact she has been contacting me quite frequently. Several brief phone conversations about nothing serious. Just flirting mostly. She messages me on Facebook everyday. She was texting me a bunch for a few days but then cut back saying she couldn't afford a high phone bill. (If you haven't kept up on the back story, she had a back injury about 5 months ago and has a ton of medical bills and bad insurance.) I think she is intimidated to call me as every time we talk on the phone she sends me a text asking if its OK that she call me. She is also acting really insecure and nervous about me backign out on our plans. She keeps asking if I really want her to see me and saying she's really glad I'm going with her and she can't wait. She seems like an excited and nervous school girl whenever she talks about our plans. I'm trying to play it cool and relaxed but I'm a bit nervous myself. We've both been really flirty like we were before we started dating. Just thought I'd update on the countdown to the actual first meeting. I'd love to hear from rome, sneeze, west, emo, jolienoire, and everyone else on what they think. And of couse Tal, feel free to drill it in my head to NOT HURRY because it really does help ground me having the reminder.

[confused25]

Take it slow my friend. I would also suggest you stay busy and not talk to her too often. Have her work a little for your attention.

[talaniman]

And of couse Tal, feel free to drill it in my head to NOT HURRY because it really does help ground me having the reminder.

Don't be in a hurry, and don't neglect other areas of your life that make you happy, just to be with her. She can be a part of it, if she wants, but not your whole life. There is plenty of time to do things right!

How's that!

[SJB1701E]

Was going to give rep to confused and Tal but I have to spread it around first. Tal that was Perfect. And confused, you're right that I need to make her work for my attention. I'm eager and it shows. This might be a dangerous time for me to pursue this because though I've made progress, I'm obviously not moved on from her. My mind keeps yelling at my heart to calm the F down. The internal struggle continues. I'm just trying to lead with my mind and think out my actions and words. I don't want to see her again with my heart out front easy for the slaughter. I'm trying to protect myself. As for keeping busy, that's not going to be a problem. I got really behind in school starting a new quarter the week after the breakup and I've been struggling to catch up. My people skill are all that's kept me afloat. ;) My professors know me very well as I've had other classes with them many times so they cut me a little slack when I told them I was having "personal problems". Now I'm racing to catch up and keep up, but it shouldn't be a problem. It was hard to force myself to focus on it at first, but it got easier the more I made myself do it. So I'm catching up and I should be all right. Plus I'm pursuing a promotion at work so I'm keeping myself occupied. I do think I need to make myself less available to her though. For my own sanity if nothing else. I'll be all right. You guys are a big help and I'm glad I can talk on here to all of you.

I'm not reading into this. Really I'm just at work and bored and just thought I'd put this out there. Ex messeged me today asking what I want for my birthday (Apr 20). I told her not to get me anything. (Especially since I'm not getting her anything for hers Apr 6) She insisted she at least take me out and buy me a drink. I said that would be fine since I'm going to buy her lunch and her first *legal* beer on hers.

Ok I know I keep posting over and over on my own thread, but I'm at work and it is really slow. I felt the need for some self affirmations. I just went back and read some of my own posts. Specifically "The Last Chapter" post in my original story thread. It helped reinforce in me that it is over. I rememeber how I felt driving away from her house. I had let go of her then. I was strong then. I was moving on then. I need to keep that mentality. The road to healing is really 2 steps forward 1 step back... actually sometimes it can be 2 steps forward 5 steps back, but eventually we all do make progress. My hope has come and gone back and forth. But for right now, after reading my original posts, I am holding on the that feeling of "it really is over." I am moved on. I am making myself a better person for MYSELF. I am growing. I have made progress. I have accomplished a lot ON MY OWN without her in this short time. I have no expectations. This could be the start of a great NEW relationship. It cuold be nothing at all. Either way I am fine. I really am happy with myself and what I've accomplished. And the old relationship is over and in the past. I do hope that this leads to a new relationship with her. But I am fine if it doesn't. We honestly did not have a bad relationship before until the last month we were together. But I have learned from the experience. While I would like very much to see if me and her coul dhave a new better relationship with what we both have learned, I know that the knowledge I have gained from this will help me no matter who or what my future will bring me. I am a whole person. I am happy with myself. Things will be good for me.

Tomorrow is the big first date with the ex and I'm nervous as hell. She's been very flirty this week and increasingly more and more sexual. She also gets kind of upset and defensive when I say anything along the lines of we're each single or mention we're broke up. Example I said "its not like we're bf/gf anymore" and she said "well no but it doesn't mean we couldn't be." Another conversation she asked when I had started my new class schedule and I said I had finals the week she dumped me and had started new classes after that. She said defensivly "Wow you weren't vague about that at all were you?" I played dumb and said "About what?" and she said never mind and changed the subject. There are more but you get the idea. And the flirtings been really sexual like I said. Last minute advice before tomorrow would be appreciated. Thanks all. Oh one more question. Sex with the ex at this point would probably be a bad idea right? I mean I want a new relationship with her not a one night stand.

[BMI]

Let me jump right in.

I, too, am no fan of breaking N/C as I learned the hard way. I did notice in you initial posts that you said you were not ready to get back together with her and she was not ready either, that's when I thought to myself, what was the point of breaking N/C?

However, you have shown a great deal of understanding and have handled the situation very well (I couldn't). Here's what is interestng to me, you wrote that after talking to her you were notso sure you had the same feelings anymore for her. I too had this strange feeling, once I started talking to my ex and things seemed like they were progressing towards getting back together I felt different. It's almost as if I just wanted to know I could get her back without actually wanting her back. Furthermore, you asked about having sex, again, I too began thinking thatif I got her out sex would be a possibility and that it was worth the effort. Perhaps I wanted to get her out just to have sex with her and proclaim victory over her.

I see similarities here and give it a thought friend. Sometimes the REAL reasons are hidden amongst fantasy storylines, maybe you are after something in response to how things ended, I was, yet I only understood that later on.

I don't meant suggest you are doing these things, butthesituation is eerily similar to what thoughts I was having. Although, it must be said, you;ve handled yourself much better than I was able to when breaking N/C.

Either way, good luck and be careful. Breaking N/C is a high risk/high reward type of thing. The risk is always high, the reward is not always so.

[SJB1701E]

Thanks, BMI. No I am definitely not sure my feelings to her, but talking to her this week has been giving me some good times feelings like when me and her started dating. I'm not rushing into this. I want to see how I feel actually spending time with her and try to clarify my feelings then. More and more I am seeing the her that I know wreally well, yet something's seem a little different. Some good some bad. I really feel if we do move towards reconcilliation we will have to get to know each other a bit again. That's my immediate goal. Just get to know each other again. Then I will examine my feelings as I am sure she will be examining hers. In my mind reconcilliation is still the goal. But if it doesn't work out that way, I know that I will be OK. Oh and the reason I asked about the sex is not that I want to just get her into bed. While yes our sex life was excellent and I do miss it, I don't want to get her back that way. I was just concerned because I know it is on both of our minds and I didn't think it would be wise to sleep with her this early. But the way we've been talking to each other it could possibly go that way sometime during the next few dates. I'm being cautious about the whole thing and I'm not charging in with my heart out in the open. I don't know what my feelings towards her are, but I do know they are there. There's a lot of hurt on both sides still as well. Any one else got some tips on how to handle tomorrow?

[JBeaucaire]

I really hope you have your wits about you through all of this, dude. The few "responses" of hers that you've posted so far make it clear she's already trying to draw you into defensive mode... and you haven't even had your new first data yet. Wow, she's a catch all right. (sarcasm detected)

Sex. *sigh* Well, you're a guy, those thoughts are to be expected, huh? Is she sterile? Are you? If so, then OK, maybe it's OK not to worry. But if you're EVER considering jumping in the sack with someone, EVEN WITH BIRTH CONTROL, make sure you are completely OK in your mind/heart/bank account raising kid(s) with this person.

Make sure!

If I were in your position, I wouldn't be going on this date. But since you are, please keep her in line. You don't owe her ANYTHING. If she misbehaves, like all the sexual banter you've already noted, just stop in your tracks, turn to her and say: "Stop doing that, please. I am not kidding, ok? You will stop that. Please tell me you will respect my wishes and stop."

If she gives you even a MOMENT of crap about it, then you really have your answer, don't you. Shake her hand, wish her well, cancel the date... and move on.

If she realizes you AREN'T going into this round with her the same as last time, you aren't picking up where you left off before, and AGREES to honor your wishes, then go ahead... carefully.

Take care, man.

[confused25]

Just have fun, be yourself, and don't go in with any expectations. Forget the past and concentrate on the present. This is a fresh new start so don't screw it up with feelings from the past. Think of this as something new and you are just going on a date to have fun and to learn about this person. If the past should come up, acknowledge it with compassion and than kindly try to change the subject.

Also, and this is important, DON'T HAVE SEX! Sexual intercourse is such and intimate act that it will only make things more confusing for the both of you. It may get you too attached and scare her away or vice versa. Please, avoid sex until much later, if and when you two decide to begin a relationship again. If she tries to initiate sex I advise you tell her something like "You know, I really care about you and because of that I really do want to be close to you, but I don't believe we should have sex unless we are in a relationship. I don't want to make things more complicated so lets just take things slow." Something like this will show her that you do care about her but that you are being wise about the situation; you are kindly rejecting her for the moment but also letting her know that with time things can change.

Well good luck and as always keep us up-to-date.

[talaniman]

You're a sucker for her charms, and weak for her physical presence. You will try to be logical, but not in person. I just hope you have fun, pay attention, and be objective. She knows how to pull your strings for sure, and make you think your in control. Your not. Don't even think you are. Not a bad thing, but at least see it for what it is, she is doing the courting, so no more relationship talk from you no matter how she LEADS into it. Just listen, if you can.