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InSearchOfAnswers · Mar 22, 2008, 08:02 AM

Over the last two weeks I have caught my GF in lies...

I have asked her about a coworker that appeared on her myspace... she acted funny and then said she didn't recognize the name or know who I was talking about

The we talked about a big weekend she had a month ago in a different city. She got so drunk with friends the night before that she didn't wake up/couldnt get up until to the next day. (She has told me about her past: she has had blackout sex with strangers a few times, so I think its understandalbe that I get uneasy when she does this out of town.)

So then she slipped up and said a guy was staying with her and her friend that weekend and that her friend who stayed with her that weekend has now broken up with her boyfriend. EVERY conversation we have had about that weekend she never once mentioned a guy or that her friend was shacking up with an ex. To me, this means she's hiding something.

Also, a few months before all of this, she got drunk at a bar with me and my friends and gave her nuber to a guy who was flirting with her. The next day she had no memory of it.. black out drunk yet again.. it was a kick to the balls to say the least.

And now that I have confronted her about her behavior, she tells me that she didn't want to worry me about that weekend out of town, and the guy on her myspace is a coworker she knows and works with...

My question is why lie?

She has an excuse for everything. We've been dating for two years and live together. Also, she seems to care about our relationship, but she makes it very clear she cares just as much about past relationships. To me, an ex is an ex. If it's a longterm BF, I can understand that, but she hold on to guys (calls/emails) that she knew/had sex with for a month or two. She says that she cares that it botherers me, but says she won't do anything about it. *frustrating*

And now the lies. And Im thinking if I stumbled upon these lies, what else should I be concerned about? Im hating myself right now. I feel like such a fool. I know she has feelings for me, but I think we are two different people at this point.

I wish I could find someone who wants, and deserves, my love...

avalee · Mar 22, 2008, 10:23 AM

It sounds like she's pretty immature, and at the very least has a drinking problem. The main issue here, is that you do not trust this girl. Plain and simple. And it sounds as if you have good reason not to. Also, it sounds like she is dismissing your concerns, which is a big problem. Does it boost her ego to hold on to guys numbers, and to hold in high regard a past relationship? Sounds a little whack to me... I def think she has some issues. And she got drunk and gave her number to some guy? That sounds very high-schoolish... it doesn't sound to me that she is ready for a committed relationship. I would try talking to her about her drinking. I have a friend who blacks out and gets so drink she doesn't remember anything and gets out of control... you need to have a serious conversation with her about this. If she still doesn't see that there is a problem, maybe it's time for you to re-evaluate this relationship. Sounds like you already are... hope this helps. :) this is just my opinion... good luck, you sound like a nice guy who deserves better.

TrueFaith · Mar 22, 2008, 11:07 AM

First of all you sound like a really nice guy that has put up with a lot of crap from this chick. And I will call her this because she is not acting like a women or someone you should be in a relationship with. My view is she isn't taking you very seriously and is having fun whenever she can. I mean your talking to people here from the outside so that's how it comes across.
You know you can have better than this man.

End it man before you find her having black out sex with some random dude or mr co worker.

BLACKOUT sex? I really don't care how drunk you are. You know what's going on. And I can totally understand why that makes you feel upset.

You should really talk to her and let her know how you feel and she needs to do something to change. Because I'm sure if she has a problem with you she will try and change you.

my advice is talk to her. But I really wouldn't recommend being with anyone that can say oh I have blackout sex when I'm drunk. I mean... I don't know that really is just awful to have hanging over you in a relationship.

Keep Xs in the BAG as well is just wrong. So if anything happens with you she will jump back onto mr x or mr new guy this women sounds young and is stroking her ego having all these guys around her.

If I was you man and I found out all this I would have a very seirous talk about this. Say OK its either me or your xs bercause you don't play 2nd best

There are better people for you out there.

This girl has pisst me off and I don't even know her!

good luck

the1unv · Mar 22, 2008, 11:44 AM

I agree with everyone else. You don't deserve to be treated this way. My biggest concern would be her having "black out sex' and then bringing an STD home to you. If you can't trust her... get out. The world is full of loving and respectful women... WITH MORALS too.
Mike

Fr_Chuck · Mar 22, 2008, 11:46 AM

First this is not a relastionship, well not a healthy one by any means.
So you are OK with her getting so drunk she just sleeps with anyone,

jamesnewo · Mar 22, 2008, 11:59 AM

Don't be a fool. Totally forget her. Move on. Even if she's as foxy as can be. Forget her.

Homegirl 50 · Mar 22, 2008, 04:09 PM

She is doing what you have allowed her to do all of this time. She obviously has a drinking problem. The question is "If you know all of this about her, why have you stayed and why are you asking about her telling lies to you?"
Get a grip on your life. Cut her lose and move on.

InSearchOfAnswers · Mar 22, 2008, 05:47 PM

We hit it off great, and then once we got serious she told me she lost her virginity to rape

And then she refused to stop talking to old f-buddies. I don't think she meets up with them, but she continues covert emails, etc...

I even went as far as to go to a rape therapist myself to encourage her to join me

No dice

And fwiw, she doesn't currently have a drinking problem per se, she rarely drinks now, but when she does she really ties one on.

And she has such as good heart, but some of her thought processes seem a little warped top me. She seems to be religious about keeping everyone on the same level - me, old exes, whoever. No one takes priorty over another.

How is that fair to me? She can't see it

To make matters more complicated, she lives with me and she makes close to zero money. I moved far away from fam and friends to be here with her, and my job is really going great, but if we aren't here together, it seems like a bad move on my part. And I don't know how the whole living situation will pan out...

InSearchOfAnswers · Mar 22, 2008, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by the1unv

I agree with everyone else. You dont deserve to be treated this way. My biggest concern would be her having "black out sex' and then bringing an STD home to you. If you can't trust her......get out. The world is full of loving and respectful women......WITH MORALS too.
Mike

That was in her past (I hope.. j/k) after her rape when she felt like sht about herself

InSearchOfAnswers · Mar 22, 2008, 05:53 PM

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

my advice is talk to her. but i really wouldnt recomend being with anyone that can say oh i have blackout sex when im drunk. i mean.... i dont know that really is just awful to have hanging over you in a realtionship.

Keep Xs in the BAG as well is just wrong. so if anything happens with you she will jump back onto mr x or mr new guy this women sounds young and is stroking her ego having all these guys around her.

If i was you man and i found out all this i would have a very seirous talk about this. say ok its either me or your xs bercause you dont play 2nd best

There are better people for you out there.

This girl has pisst me off and i dont even know her!

good luck

I have talked my head off about this. Already told her I couldn't justify taking our relationship to the next level if she didn't lose the Xs... she didn't budge

Her excuse was that she didn't want to put undo pressure on me since I was inbetweeen jobs at the time

jolienoire · Mar 22, 2008, 06:05 PM

Originally Posted by InSearchOfAnswers

we hit it off great, and then once we got serious she told me she lost her virginity to rape

And then she refused to stop talking to old f-buddies. I don't think she meets up with them, but she continues covert emails, etc...

I even went as far as to go to a rape therapist myself to encourage her to join me

No dice

And she has such as good heart, but some of her thought processes seem a little warped top me. She seems to be religious about keeping everyone on the same level - me, old exes, whoever. No one takes priorty over another.

How is that fair to me? She can't see it

To make matters more complicated, she lives with me and she makes close to zero money. I moved far away from fam and friends to be here with her, and my job is really going great, but if we aren't here together, it seems like a bad move on my part. And I don't know how the whole living situation will pan out...

This is a one sided relationship and I know you love her but I hate to tell you it won't work, because of the simple fact that you are the only one acknowledging the relationship. Don't make excuses for her and fwiw,

she doesn't currently have a drinking problem per se, she rarely drinks now, but when she does she really ties one on.

Perhaps she is not really ready for this relationship, and maybe she could be in this relationship for security,.

Honestly, I know you love her but she seems to be causing you more heartache than happiness, your so worried about her happiness and concerned about her wellbeing that you are accepting this behavior.. forgetting what you deserve, Trying to ignore someone else behavior is settling. You may love her but love yourself enough to realize this is an unhealthy relationship and perhaps focus more on yourself... If you accepted this behavior from the beginning its pretty hard to try to convince someone to change... Try changing yourself first its hard, imagine trying to change someone else almost impossible... Perhaps you need to let her go for your own sanity she needs to be alone so she can get her life straight...

bizygurl · Mar 22, 2008, 06:12 PM

First if this girl has "black out" sex with random strangers, I don't understand why she continues to allow herself to be put into situations where that can happen, especially if she has a man at home. Not to mention single or not.. its dangerous. If you can't trust yourself to behave a certain way then how can anyone else can. Sounds like spinning in a downwards spiral. Its hard enough to be completely OK when your man or girl goes out without you it sure as hell hard to be OK when you know that there is a 50-50 chance that she will black out and do something or "someone" and then not remember it,

As far as the lying, your right. Why lie? Because even if her intention was to be honest with you she made herself look like she had something to hide. Sounds like your at the end of your rope with her.

Believe me there are plenty of woman out there that are deserving of your love and they of yours. You will find her. Everyone deserves to be happy.

JBeaucaire · Mar 22, 2008, 07:05 PM

InSearchofAnswers, I'm interested in why you think she lies. What do you think the reason is. You can be totally honest here.

jamesnewo · Mar 22, 2008, 10:00 PM

What part of "move on" don't you understand ? I ,ve personally been there and done that more than once and still feel like a damned fool for not "moving on" sooner ! Get a life with a clean wife. Usually you don't find a life partner in a bar . It sounds "square",but the finest chicks are at the church.

Homegirl 50 · Mar 23, 2008, 08:00 AM

Originally Posted by InSearchOfAnswers

we hit it off great, and then once we got serious she told me she lost her virginity to rape

and then she refused to stop talking to old f-buddies. i dont think she meets up with them, but she continues covert emails, etc ...

i even went as far as to go to a rape therapist myself to encourage her to join me

no dice

and fwiw, she doesnt currently have a drinking problem per se, she rarely drinks now, but when she does she really ties one on.

and she has such as good heart, but some of her thought processes seem a little warped top me. she seems to be religious about keeping everyone on the same level - me, old exes, whoever. no one takes priority over another.

how is that fair to me? she can't see it

to make matters more complicated, she lives with me and she makes close to zero money. i moved far away from fam and friends to be here with her, and my job is really going great, but if we are here together, it seems like a bad move on my part. and i dont know how the whole living situation will pan out ...

Sounds to me like you want her to be something she is not and she is not wanting to be what you want her to be. So again the question is not her lies, but "Why are YOU still there" If she makes you unhappy, if you don't trust her, leave!
But don't put her bad points out there for all to see and then stay with her. Don't enable her bad behavior by putting up with it and don't try to change and control her, LEAVE!

InSearchOfAnswers · Mar 23, 2008, 02:02 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

InSearchofAnswers, I'm interested in why you think she lies. What do you think the reason is. You can be totally honest here.

her excuse was 'she didn't lie, she just didn't recognize the name'... later she said she didn't want to tell me they are friends and coworkers and it worry me, so she was protecting me. She hangs out with him just like she hangs out with everyone else. I have a gut feeling she lies aobut stuff like this more than I know simply to avoid any questions I may have or to avoid some argument.

I've never been a jealous BF at all. Quite the opposite acutally. But this girl has this thing - this 'no man can tame me attitude' and I thinks it stems from her rape years ago.

but backtracking to a couple of months ago when she balcked out out of town with her best girlfriend and that girls ex: I told her its BS she didn't tell me she was crashing with some random guy (her friends ex) and that I couldn't understand why she didn't want to tell me her friend and her BF (now her xBF) had broken up... her excuse, again, was she didn't want me to worry that them breaking up would mean we would break up. That's retarded, but whatever. I don't see how that affects us. Plus, I'm always telling her about my friends' marriages and relationships. I thought that's what couples do...

and she is a very nice girl, she's very sweet, she's very pretty... its just that she drives me crazy with her positions on ceertain things. If we could get rid of the ex talk, so much would improve. Now the recent hiding info or keeping guys from me worries me.

InSearchOfAnswers · Mar 23, 2008, 02:10 PM

Originally Posted by bizygurl

First if this girl has "black out" sex with random strangers, I don't understand why she continues to allow herself to be put into situations where that can happen, especially if she has a man at home. Not to mention single or not..its dangerous. If you can't trust yourself to behave a certain way then how can anyone else can. Sounds like spinning in a downwards spiral.

Again... out of my scope of understanding, but when we first met she had this 'full disclosure' thing where she would bring up old friends - who she at some point sept with - or old BF or old friends with benefits over and over... I told her many many times it bothers me to hear it. I know it has happened. I know we have both had sex. But why rub it in my face? To her, she honestly said she couldn't figure out why it bothered me since it didn't bother her. Not would it bother her to hear my stories. But her insistence bothered me. I tried to tell her - I'm her BF so my feelings should matter. That's what gets me.

And the full disclosure thing encompased her rape and then her 1st two years of school. She went to a few keg parties and drank too much, blacked out, barely remembers banging a guy. It has happened later in life with someone who she dated... you get the picture. That's all I was told about BTW

And fwiw she hates the term 'slut'... she thinks its BS that girls are called sluts. She gives off this antirelationship vibe and exudes the 'i screw like a man' persona sometimes, but she's vulnerable and sweet underneath it all...

JBeaucaire · Mar 23, 2008, 03:39 PM

OK, well, I can only suggest you keep in mind that the reason you date is to find out how this girl (that you already like, so that's not at issue) really behaves with people she gets close to.

I always say that we save our worst behaviors for people we are closest to. So the closer you two get, the more "real" she will become. You get to decide THEN if this is what you want to put up with in your most important permanent relationship, your marriage.

You don't have to. Liking her, even liking her a LOT, is no reason to make it permanent. Only that she makes your life better. Don't blind yourself over these things, they are more important than anything you consider about her so far.

InSearchOfAnswers · Mar 23, 2008, 04:52 PM

Its tough

I don't like to think that I'm being used intentionally, and I think sometimes her way of thinking is a direct result of her rape... I could be off base there, but her 'manish' way she treats sex (and has told me about her conquest) makes me believe that she is compensating for what happened to her. I guess after a while, compensation became natural.

For about 4 months there we drifted apart. I had gone to a therapist to seek help for our problem, she said she was going but never did. I was shut off emotionally after this and she picked up on it. She could tell her lack of effort affected us and we didn't have sex during this time... not that I can remember. She apologized and said she realized she dropped the ball, but - and tell me if I'm off base here - I told her that I had brought up that problem over a year ago and she should have addressed it then, not now. After 13 months I kind of had to solve the problem myself and get used to it. It seems shutting myslef down and giving her the cold shoulder was the only thing that got her attention

Yesterday I was a little consumed with this problem as I was just finguring our she was hiding something. Today I have been a little down but I'm trying to get the right attitude. I have girls who have expressed interest in me. Nice/pretty girls. I just love the connection I have with my GF when we are seeing eye to eye. Unfortunately that hasnet been happening a lot lately.

My sister told me to separate and make her miss me. Make her miss my security, etc. and make her appreciate all that I do for her. That's easier said than done.

Thanks for the replies

One more question: does the avg girl sleep with a few of her guy friends over the cousre of her young adult life? I know it happens on se and the city, but in real life, what are the stats?

What's the avg no of parters a 25 yo guy and a 25 yo woman have?

How, typically, does rape affect someone?

Homegirl 50 · Mar 23, 2008, 06:00 PM

You cannot make this girl miss you or change her to be what you want her to be. She may already appreciate you, but the fact is she has problems that she may not be ready to deal with and you can't handle them either. You two are just not a match. Staying and try to use tricks to change her is only going to alienate her.
She is not the one for you and you are not the one for her. You need to move on.
She is not your problem, your problem is this need of yours to rescue and change her despite the pain she causes you, and she does this to you because you let her, so why should she change or care.