[phillysteakandcheese]

Attraction isn't a choice - you don't just turn it off. I think the key is that when you are in a relationship and committed to each other, attraction to others doesn't matter. Both will still feel it, but not act on it.

[DrJ]

Exaclty my thoughts. I know it doesn't matter but the denial of its existence just seems like an insecurity to me.

[Wildcat21]

People get in trouble in relationship because they act on crushes - crushes ALWAYS go away. They get VERY confused on crushes as being love - women especially confuse these feelings. You have to understand that's its just a crush and a month later you won't even care.

I thinsk it's VERY important to have blinders on when you are in a seriously relationship. It's not fair other wise.

Dr. - WHY are you bringing that crap up with her? You WILL only push her away. Bringing up other people is a sign of insecurity and seeking attention.

[DrJ]

Ok, this is mainly for the girls but I would like to hear some of the mens opinions, as well.

A recent agrument I had with my girlfriend came about when I had mentioned that someone else was attractive. No, I wasn't saying she was hot and that I was into her or anything... it just came up in conversation and I said that she was an attractive girl.

My thoughts are that this: We are adults. I love her and she loves me. I feel that I can admit that there are other women on this planet... or more specifically, in our town, that are attractive. Big deal.. Im not going to pursue them because I love the woman I am with.

She says that she finds no other man in this town attractive. I brought up a few names of some of the men that we know that are attractive looking men (yes, I am secure with myself and I can also admit when another man is attractive lol) anyway, she insisted that she doesn't find any of them attractive.

I then asked her about a few of the men that I know that she was with before us. She said that she used to find them attractive but not anymore, as if she can just turn it off.

She then, of course, proceeds to get pissed (mad) at me because there are women that I find attractive.

To the women out there: When you love someone, do you suddenly, somehow, turn off other mens attractiveness so that you no longer find any other man attractive?

To the men: Do you still find other women attractive once you are in love?

[orange]

I'm female, and I just got married last week, so I'll attempt to answer. :)

My husband and I are like you Dr. Jizzle, when we see an attractive person we mention it, and it's no big deal. We trust each other. I have to admit though, that he finds more attractive women than I find attractive men, LOL. But that's fine, I trust him. I don't have a problem with him saying that about someone. And if I agree I'll admit she's attractive as well.

I'm not sure what's going on with your girlfriend, but I do understand a bit of what she's saying too. I'm actually not attracted to many men as a general rule. And I'm definitely not attracted to guys I used to date. In fact a lot of them are just blah or actually disgust me now, haha, depending on whether we had a good or a bad breakup. Maybe the problem with your girlfriend is that she and you have different definitions for the word attractive? To me it's more than just physical looks. If a guy is very good looking or hot but has a nasty personality, I don't find him attractive. Whereas my husband doesn't care about the personality, he just looks at the body. Men are supposed to be more visually oriented than women so that might be why.

Either way, like I said, if I think a guy is hot, I will admit it. :D Your girlfriend maybe feels insecure?

[DrJ]

We have lived together for 8 months and are very committed to each other. We have been together long enough for us both to know how much we love each other.

My problem is that I feel that we should both be secure enough in our relationship to be realistic and truthful about things.

If we are talking about someone that we both know... specifically saying "I dont know why she has such a hard time finding a date... she is an attractive girl" she should be secure enough, by now, that it wouldn't bother her. I know that if she were to admit that another man was attractive, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Of course, Im not saying that I am drooling over some other woman, I am simply stating the truth... that she is attractive and she should not have such a hard time finding a date.

[DrJ]

(by the way... I don't know if this page is messed up for anyone else, but the original post was by me and has the titled bolded under my avatar. I see philys reply first, then my REPLY, then wildact, then my original post, then everyone else's in order... just to clear that up if anyone else has the same problem lol)

[NeedKarma]

Other end of the spectrum here - I wish my wife had some jealousy, it would make me feel a little more special. Tye woman does not have a green bone in her body.

Me: "Honey I'm going out for beers with some strippers that just came out of prison."
Her: "Have a good time honey, don't drive drunk."

<sigh>

[orange]

If we are talking about someone that we both know... specifically saying "I dont know why she has such a hard time finding a date... she is an attractive girl" she should be secure enough, by now, that it wouldnt bother her.

That's a pretty innocent statement, IMO. In fact, it's funny you use that one as an example, because my husband just said something similar to me the other day about my best friend. It didn't bother me, I agreed with him. She IS very attractive, prettier than me I think, and just because he says that doesn't mean he's going to leave me for her.

It does sound like she's insecure or jealous about it. You might do well to just not mention it to her, if you find someone attractive, at least until she can feel less insecure. But I understand the frustration of that. My husband and I tell each other everything pretty much!

[orange]

(by the way... I dont know if this page is messed up for anyone else, but the original post was by me and has the titled bolded under my avatar. I see philys reply first, then my REPLY, then wildact, then my original post, then everyone elses in order... just to clear that up if anyone else has the same problem lol)

Oh thanks for mentioning that, because I didn't realize it was you who started the thread. You should tell admin about it, that is odd.

[orange]

Other end of the spectrum here - I wish my wife had some jealousy, it would make me feel a little more special. Tye woman does not have a green bone in her body.

Me: "Honey I'm going out for beers with some strippers that just came out of prison."
Her: "Have a good time honey, don't drive drunk."

<sigh>

ROFLMAO. That sounds sooo much like my husband and me. Actually when I'm sick of something he's doing, I sometimes tell him to go out to a strip club or get a prostitute. Joking, of course! I really do love him. Maybe your wife is just really secure in her relationship with you. And you don't want someone who's jealous, believe me. My ex was extremely jealous, and it was horrible.

[NeedKarma]

Maybe your wife is just really secure in her relationship with you.

Meanwhile I'm thinking "Am I so hideous that no one else would want me?".

Yea, you're right, I should appreciate that 'cause the other way around is no fun.

[orange]

Meanwhile I'm thinking "Am I so hideous that no one else would want me?".

Awww, I'm sure you're not hideous! Actually though, if any man wants to make himself more attractive and get more attention (from my point of view, anyways), all he has to do is cook and clean and do laundry and fix things around the house. I find that hot! :)

[DrJ]

Yeah, its difficult. I don't like the idea of having to lie, no matter how white the lie may be, to her. She is still young... and unfornately, I mentioned that when we were discussing this (big no-no by the way lol).

You are totally right though about what women find attractive. I know there are plenty of people she runs into that she HAS to find attractive... I forgot to mention she is a bartender, and I very sexy one at that! She is getting hit on all the time.

[DrJ]

Meanwhile I'm thinking "Am I so hideous that no one else would want me?".

Im sure you're not... unless that's really a picture of YOU and not Beaker lol

[orange]

Beaker is a cutie! He and Animal are my favorite muppets! :p

It sucks that you have to keep things from her. I just thinking, it could be that even though she is very hot to YOU, she may not think that about herself. And when she hears you saying someone else is hot, maybe it makes her feel bad, or she feels like you're saying she's NOT attractive or that the other woman is better looking than her. I know when I was younger (errr... I'm an old lady of 26, haha), I didn't like anyone saying that another girl was pretty or gorgeous or whatever, because I took it personally and it made me feel ugly. But luckily I grew out of that.

[DrJ]

That's a good point... she gets hit on all the time, all of my friends think she is totally hot, she has a great personality and EVERYONE loves her (really.. its so much that it gets annoying!) so she REALLY is VERY attractive but I don't think she really thinks she is... or if she does, she doenst admit it. I tell her all the time, but she doesn't take compliments that well. Maybe she does take it personally like that... thanks, orange... you gave me something to think about

[orange]

Meanwhile I'm thinking "Am I so hideous that no one else would want me?".

Yea, you're right, I should appreciate that 'cause the other way around is no fun.

NeedKarma, is that your picture? You are NOT hideous at ALL! You look cute and you can tell your wife I said so, LOLL! ;)

[NeedKarma]

NeedKarma, is that your picture? You are NOT hideous at ALL!! You look cute and you can tell your wife I said so, LOLL!! ;)

Thank you, maybe I'll forward this thread to her. :D

Upon further reflection it seems kind of vain to put my pic up like that, I'll probably change it tonight to something else. (Admin, if you're reading this I mean no disrespect :) )

[orange]

I don't think it's vain. :) I always think of it as brave and/or wanting to show who you really are. I don't do it because I'm paranoid that some freak will be able to track me down!