[dirigible]

Hello there!

About a year and a half ago, I met a girl through mutual friends online, and we became very much attracted to each other. Over a series of months, we visited back and forth (she lived in Canada, and I in California), until I ultimately committed about this time last year to pack my stuff for the great white north and move in with her.

It was my first serious relationship, and the second for her (with almost no break in between). I am an artist who enjoys the company and shared activity of friends, but thrives in industrious solitude. She is not necessarily the opposite, but certainly needs much more social structure in order to be productive and happy. This is fine.

Except that, in this relatively small town where she's lived nearly all her life, I shoulder the vast majority of her support. She gets aimless and unhappy if I don't spend significant amounts of time with her -- which is to be expected to some degree, since we live together. I just don't believe it's a healthy pattern that I see; most 'eggs of happiness' in my basket, and few in that of her friends'. She seems resistant or fearful of the idea of making new friends or really branching out from her current bubble of familiarity. I've expressed my concern over this, and while some change has come, I still feel an uncomfortable burden placed upon me. I don't enjoy being the focal point of someone else's happiness.

I had to return to California for several months (work related), and brought her with me. During that time, I was a little shocked to see just how passive and reserved she was in a new setting, waiting dutifully for me to get off work each day instead of exploring anything on her own. She integrated with my friends well, but never on a level that was independent of me. I suppose independence is a big priority for me.

The tough part is that I really do love her. As weary as I am with conventional domesticity, we are highly affectionate, expressive, and supportive. She is cute (but not necessarily beautiful), insightful (but not necessarily brilliant), and reasonable (but certainly not always logical). Our tastes work very well together, and we enjoy much of the activities we do share. Being that she is my first serious girlfriend, I am leery of committing without having dated other girls and developed a good objective view of my needs and expectations in a mate.

Looking forward, with her wanting us to relocated to Vancouver in the Summer for her schooling to continue, I'm not sure that a committed relationship is my ideal next step. I have found myself over the past few months aching to reach a higher place of creative dedication. Namely, I am a songwriter, and find the activity most fulfilling and focused when I am alone. Instead of moving to accompany her college adventure, part of me would strongly prefer returning to California, re-connecting relationships with creative peers, and establishing a strict creative regimen for myself. I feel pretty strongly that I cannot maintain a healthy relationship with her and nurture a serious artistic pursuit simultaneously. If even because it's not in my nature (yet) to split my attention like that. I also think she'll benefit from time alone, as it will provide her with an opportunity to 'find herself' more (she's expressed the need).

If I decide to go, though it may be a very traumatic and emotional experience for both of us, she will understand. And if I stay, we'll both be periodically happy, but I'll probably end up wondering, as I am now, what "might have been" in an alternate life of focused creativity and other unexplored women.

I don't want to live with regrets. Before I go blow our world out of the water, am I missing something? What do you think would be best?

[peggyhill]

I think if you are having doubts, the best thing to do would be to take a step back. If you have doubts about the relationship, it might be best for you to be single or at least not quite as committed. Otherwise, as you said, you will always wonder what if. If you don't feel ready to commit, don't. But don't move accros the country for a relationship you are not sure about. I'm not telling you to break up, just something to think about. :)

Hope this helps!

[talaniman]

Time for a break to see where your headed friend. Its hard, but you need to know. If you don't take the time now, to be sure of what you want, then they will always be there. I think that inner voice is telling you that, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

[dirigible]

IAlright. I weighed this decision for probably several months. I don't know that I explored all of the ins and outs of it head-on.

Two weeks ago, I told her that I didn't feel comfortable moving with her to college. I said I needed a little more time to figure out what that feeling meant for us in the meantime.

One week ago, after agonizing back and forth and several emotional breakdowns, I said that I thought we should break up and that I should return to California for some alone time and dedicated creative pursuit.

She reacted very emotionally at first, which is to be expected, but then admitted that it did make sense, despite how much it upset her. We've spent the week together on and off, her at work during the day and me at home arranging travel and packing. She is growing less accepting of my decision, and I am growing more doubtful of it. Last night she had some insightful things to share:

1. She doesn't understand how I could leave her under these circumstances if we are in love. I do love her. Perhaps not enough? Perhaps I am afraid to love? I am comfortable in love, but not in this committed, cohabitating love.

2. My leaving could be an act of fearing commitment and surrender rather than pursuing my passions and further 'developing myself.' This rings very true amidst my insecurities.

Deep down, am I as passionate about her as she is about me? No, but have I have trouble pinpointing why exactly that is. Does that necessitate my looking further for someone else, or does it pose a necessary challenge for me to love unconditionally? Am I holding out for unrealistic illusions about love, or am I settling because she is my first and I want to protect the investment I've made in her?

I'm deeply confused. Please, please help.

[dirigible]

To clarify, I do have a huge big commitment fear in this situation, which is further imbalanced with a need to doggedly pursue and obtain individual creative success (artistically, not necessarily commercially) and continue to 'explore'. I don't necessarily feel like a developed adult yet. I feel a constant need to explore and experience newness.

[nickshehe]

I'm also a songwriter myself and I understand what you mean concerning solitude.. I was with a girl I loved for a while and nothing came out of me.. I was absolutely creatively dry.. We had one or two big arguments that moved me a little and I got something out of it.. but if I compare it to after she left me they were raindrops in the ocean if you know what I mean.. But you know what? It didn't bother me because I loved her, and I feel part of loving an individual is when you put your needs after someone else's.. I feel that if you truly loved her it wouldn't matter so much.
Then again maybe you take yourself in music more seriously than I do... I don't thrive to be the next Jim Morrisson or Ian Curtis, I write to cleanse myself and to explore parts of me that I didn't know existed.. If I am happy because I am in love then I don't feel the need to write.. and all is good..

I don't think you love her man.

[dirigible]

I'm more than a little afraid to discover that I don't truly love her, but love her unconditional love for me.

[nickshehe]

Then follow the other posts and take a break from it.. Fight the urge to talk to her for a while until you get your head sorted and see where you stand.. If you leave things as they are they will never stop

[dirigible]

I'd love to take 'a break' instead of a breakup, but I feel like there aren't many olive branches left on the tree.

Last year, after living here with her for several months, my visa ran out and we both drove south to California. She stayed as long as she could, and I stayed and promised to sort out my work situation and move back up. I stalled. I was worried about us even then (back in August of 07).

I ended up traveling Europe with a friend for 2 months instead of immediately returning. I felt like I needed perspective, and Europe was a great time of me really learning my own strengths and learning to finally be independent. From Europe I returned to her in Canada. It may have been partly from her insistence, and partly because I figured I'd gotten my ya-yas and what-ifs out of the way. But the doubt remained, and still remains.

My bags are literally packed, sitting in the upstairs room. I don't know that there really is another 'break' or 'breather' opportunity. It seems like it's a go or stay situation, and the impending finality kills me. I don't want to realize this was a mistake in hindsight, after I've reset my life again and hurt us both. Still think it would be necessary?

[dirigible]

Please - any more insight you can lend?

[ampersandra]

Of course you need breathing room. It sounds like she has some serious issues of her own. How aware is she of her clinginess? Does she get jealous if you hang out with your other friends for too long? I don't think a complete break is necessary but it might be a good idea to increasingly nudge her out of her comfort zone. She should be able to get some friends from college. For now, maybe you could get her to join some sort of group activity (e.g. book club, language exchange) that she has to do without you accompanying her.

[talaniman]

When you have as much doubt, and wanderlust as you do, you need to go, but be aware that things may not be the same, when you get back, nor is it fair to expect she will wait for you. You can't have it both ways. These are the decisions we make in life.