[frustratedwife]

My Husband and I have not had a great sex life, he can go months without needing sex. He is very passionate, loving and always compliments me. He works very long hours always lifting and bending, etc. He went to our internist on Monday and he has ordered blood work to check his hormone levels, and other important things. But he didn't check his prostate, or order a PSA test, my husband is 48.

On Valentine's day I had the fireplace on with an air mattress next to it and candles all around it. I bought massage oil, very sexy lingerie, had cheese and crackers and sparling applecider.

I told him that this night would be to please him, the rules were for him to relax and just enjoy until I was finished and then he could do what ever he pleased. The massage went very well, but he didn't get an erection, and then instead of intercourse I used my hand and even doing that he stated to get soft. He said to continue and go faster and I did and finally he came. But you can imagine my disappointment. If he gave me the same massage I would be going crazy for him to make love to me.

Thank you for listening

[KD33]

Wow umm I'm not so sure what to say to that..
Was that more of a statement then a question or what?
:S

[simoneaugie]

That sounds so very disappointing. I think his loss of erection could be related to lowered levels of the hormones needed to sustain an erection. That happens to lots of men. It even affects young men sometimes.

You didn't elaborate on the history of "not had a great sex life" other than to say that he can go months without needing sex. Does he view porn sites? That can cause a lack of sex for the woman he is married to. But so can long hard hours at a physically demanding job, pain and worries.

The two of you need to sit down and talk about what's going on. Is he aware that the amount of sex is not enough for you? It sound like the two of you are not at odds with one another, which makes honest talks easier. What about couple's counselling? Would he go? If not, you can go alone. It can really help to get some unbiased advise and to learn new strategies.

[smoothy]

How old is he... sounds like he is experiencing some level of erectile dysfunction. Is he on any high blood pressure meds, antidepressants or such. If you haven't had him to a doctor yet please do so. Maybe he has a medical condition that hasn't been diagnosed as these can be symptoms.

[kp2171]

I agree with the above statements... time for a talk with a doctor.

So you set up all of this, did all of this for him, and he had strong performance issues. In the absence of some really extreme mental state (gay or just asexual) I'm saying he has a bad case of ED... which, as mentioned, can come from age, health, med use, high blood pressure, depression, on and on and on.

I'm in a good marriage, but we've hit some sexual "ruts" along the way... it happens.

But if what happened to you, happened to my wife... shed tell me "i want our sexual relationship to be the best it can, and right now something isnt right... its time to see if we can work this out and to see a doctor"...

He might be aroused mentally, he might be completely turned on by you, and you can be doing everything "right"... if the body isn't responding right... if the blood flow isn't engorging erectile tissues, if there is some physiological predisposition that prevents him from being fully engaged, its time to address it.

My eyesight has drifted in time. I didn't plan this or want this. It just is.

In the bedroom, I know enough to keep things moving well enough on my part... I know what I need to feel and what I need to do to sustain for some time. But I promise you, the erection I feel today isn't the same as that which I felt at 14. Part of that is mental. Part of it is physical. I do all I can to make sure I'm doing all I can. If it changes so much that it becomes a problem someday, I'm sure as hell going to talk to my doctor about this.

Some men never feel a difference. Some do. He clearly is. Time to talk about getting the help he needs. It isn't easy.

A question. We know about his problems. Has he been able to get you off, such as orally? Does he seem interested in satisfying you? Have you asked him for different stimulation?

[frustratedwife]

That sounds so very disappointing. I think his loss of erection could be related to lowered levels of the hormones needed to sustain an erection. That happens to lots of men. It even affects young men sometimes.

You didn't elaborate on the history of "not had a great sex life" other than to say that he can go months without needing sex. Does he view porn sites? That can cause a lack of sex for the woman he is married to. But so can long hard hours at a physically demanding job, pain and worries.

The two of you need to sit down and talk about what's going on. Is he aware that the amount of sex is not enough for you? It sound like the two of you are not at odds with one another, which makes honest talks easier. What about couple's counselling? Would he go? If not, you can go alone. It can really help to get some unbiased advise and to learn new strategies.

Thank you for your concern and compassion. We have seen a counselor/Pastor about this, and it was their suggestion that we 1st rule out a medical reason, so when we get back the results, either we go the medication/hormone way or if we find out he is healthy, just tired, then we work together on a solution.

[frustratedwife]

How old is he.....sounds like he is experiencing some level of erectile dysfunction. Is he on any high blood pressure meds, antidepressants or such. If you haven't had him to a doctor yet please do so. Maybe he has a medical condition that hasn't been diagnosed as these can be symptoms.

Hello Holly and thank you,

Yes he went to the doctor on Monday, he is almost 48, and the only medication he takes is allergy meds. He does work extremely hard 5 days a week and every Saturday he works, doing something he absolutely loves. He is not into Porn to the best of my knowledge and we are pretty honest with each other. He has not had the labs done yet, but he will soon.

[frustratedwife]

i agree with the above statements... time for a talk with a doctor.

so you set up all of this, did all of this for him, and he had strong performance issues. in the absence of some really extreme mental state (gay or just asexual) im saying he has a bad case of ED... which, as mentioned, can come from age, health, med use, high blood pressure, depression, on and on and on.

im in a good marriage, but weve hit some sexual "ruts" along the way... it happens.

but if what happened to you, happened to my wife... shed tell me "i want our sexual relationship to be the best it can, and right now something isnt right... its time to see if we can work this out and to see a doctor"...

he might be aroused mentally, he might be completely turned on by you, and you can be doing everything "right"... if the body isnt responding right... if the blood flow isnt engorging erectile tissues, if there is some physiological predisposition that prevents him from being fully engaged, its time to address it.

my eyesight has drifted in time. i didnt plan this or want this. it just is.

in the bedroom, i know enough to keep things moving well enough on my part... i know what i need to feel and what i need to do to sustain for some time. but i promise you, the erection i feel today isnt the same as that which i felt at 14. part of that is mental. part of it is physical. i do all i can to make sure im doing all i can. if it changes so much that it becomes a problem someday, im sure as hell going to talk to my doctor about this.

some men never feel a difference. some do. he clearly is. time to talk about getting the help he needs. it isnt easy.

a question. we know about his problems. has he been able to get you off, such as orally? does he seem interested in satisfying you? have you asked him for different stimulation?

He is very into helping me and absolutely loves when I orgasm. He is so loving, it's just that he turns me on and then goes limp and it is just plain frustrating, as I answered above you he did see the doctor Monday, and he will have his labs done soon. His doctor did give him a prescription for Cealis (free samples).

[dragnlady5]

Has he ever had his thyroid checked? Also just pure exhaustion from working so hard could be the problem. Never any shame in that little blue pill

[Choux]

It is very important to get to a specialist, on a referral from your general practitioner. You must rule out physical causes for lack of performance(impotence).

Having ruled that out, I would guess it is possible that your husband is homosexual(consciously or unconsciously) and/or that he has been negatively influenced by his religion's teachings about sex.

I have said very often that there is no substitute for passion, but, there is also no substitute for kindness and caring. I think your husband has proven himself on the latter.

Good Luck in 2008 :)

[frustratedwife]

It is very important to get to a specialist, on a referral from your general practitioner. You must rule out physical causes for lack of performance(impotence).

Having ruled that out, I would guess it is possible that your husband is homosexual(consciously or unconsciously) and/or that he has been negatively influenced by his religion's teachings about sex.

I have said very often that there is no substitute for passion, but, there is also no substitute for kindness and caring. I think your husband has proven himself on the latter.

Good Luck in 2008 :)

Unfortunately, you have hit the nail on the head. I have always felt his love, compassion and kindness. I also have suspected him effeminate. He tells me he is not gay and has no desire to be with a man for anything but friendship, like the men's retreat at church, or Super Bowl Sunday, but other than that occasionally he goes to the men's meeting at church and then no other contact with men.

Thank you for being honest.

[ordinaryguy]

Erectile dysfunction can be caused by either blood circulation problems or nerve problems, especially in the lower back. If his physically demanding work has caused back problems, that could be part of the problem. I speak from personal experience.