[lynann]

I am a 34 yr old woman married for 12 yrs. With two kids. My husband is my best friend, not my lover. We are like roommates. I love him as a friend. For the past two years I have been seeing a married man. I have fallen in love with him. He says he loves me. He is pretty happy in his marriage so I don't think he would ever leave his wife. What do I do? This is going nowhere but I don't think I can stop. The little time we spend together makes me so happy. Not sure I want to give it up. But I know that I will get very hurt in the end.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

In my opinion I think you should stop.

Did you understand the vows that you made when you got married? When you get married it isn't just about you; it's about you'r husband and now you'r kids. This married guy obviously has no respect for himself, his wife, you'r husband, you'r kids or you. Yes you. What would happen if you two were married? He would probably do the same.

Yes, you will get hurt if you stop this altogether but if you don't do it sooner, you will be much more hurt later down the road because by than it will have affected you'r kids and you'r husband.

Please try and look at this from someone else's point of view such as you'r husband or kids.

[donf]

Lynann,

Doy you remember your wedding day and those little thing commonly known as vows. You gave your husband your vow of fidelity.

So now tell me what your husband has done that warrants your breaking your vow to him?

Please re-think your corner of the world. Right now, you are engaged in and affair that can and very well might destroy the lives and families of at least two other people. Your husband and sonny boy's wife. Where is your thinking on that.

That little voice nagging you is your warning that this is very wrong and you need to stop now!

[Marriedguy]

:eek: Let say that I'm totally against anyone going outside there marriage. I understand the reasons you decided to do so. Sex, intimacy, and the feeling of being desired is a very important part of married. When these things don't exist the marriage will start to nose drive.

Now, you really need to ask yourself do you love you husband and do you want to save this marriage if you do want to save you marriage. If you do then, you need to end this affair cold turkey, today and then you need to open of lines of communication with your husband. I wouldn't suggest you tell you husband of this other guy. This is kicking your marriage when it's down. Seek counseling for yourself individually and then add your husband to the mix. If you two love each other it will work itself out and things could be better they when you first met, you do remember why you married him?

If you don't want to save this marriage then you need to crash land it and walk away. You have to separate and ultimately divorce. This is regardless of this other married man. For one I wouldn't continue to see this person because as you said he has no interest in begin solely with you. You deserve to have someone love, desire you and makes you happy.

After your marriage is over and you emotionally, mentally healthy enough to go out and date. Trust me you will find a man that will love, desire you and make you happy.

[lynann]

I am a 34 yr old woman married for 12 yrs. with two kids. My husband is my best friend, not my lover. We are like roommates. I love him as a friend. For the past two years I have been seeing a married man. I have fallen in love with him. He says he loves me. He is pretty happy in his marriage so I don't think he would ever leave his wife. What do I do? This is going nowhere but I don't think I can stop. The little time we spend together makes me so happy. Not sure I want to give it up. But I know that I will get very hurt in the end.

These are good answers.

[lynann]

:eek: Let say that I’m totally against anyone going outside there marriage. I understand the reasons why you decided to do so. Sex, intimacy, and the feeling of being desired is a very important part of married. When these things don’t exist the marriage will start to nose drive.

Now, you really need to ask yourself do you love you husband and do you want to save this marriage if you do want to save you marriage. If you do then, you need to end this affair cold turkey, today and then you need to open of lines of communication with your husband. I wouldn’t suggest you tell you husband of this other guy. This is kicking your marriage when it’s down. Seek counseling for yourself individually and then add your husband to the mix. If you two love each other it will work itself out and things could be better they when you first met, you do remember why you married him?

If you don’t want to save this marriage then you need to crash land it and walk away. You have to separate and ultimately divorce. This is regardless of this other married man. For one I wouldn’t continue to see this person because as you said he has no interest in begin solely with you. You deserve to have someone love, desire you and makes you happy.

After your marriage is over and you emotionally, mentally healthy enough to go out and date. Trust me you will find a man that will love, desire you and make you happy.

I agree. I just don't think that I want to be with my husband any more. Even if I wasn't cheating. I married him because I loved him and we had a lot in common. It's all gone. We are even in separate rooms o f the house just watching TV...

[donf]

So, turn off your TV and go introduce yourself to the guy in the other room.

You might get to like him again, especially if he realizes that something is hurting you. And lack of attention is a killer, find out why he doesn't seem to want to be with you. He may be miss reading you. You are not the same person you were before the desire for the affair crippled your sense of judgment. You may be telegraphing your current state with your body language. As in, gotch you smart***, you may not want me but I don't care cause I can get it elsewhere. Us guys are obtuse but we are not at all stupid.

[Alty]

You can't even begin to think about working on your marriage until you get rid of your lover. You are spending all the energy that you should be using to work on your relationship with your husband, on your boyfriend.

If you care at all about your husband than you owe it to him to try and make this work. What about Lover boy's wife, how would you feel if that was you? You have both gone out of your marriage, broken your vows and totally disrespected your spouses just because your hot for each other. That is not the way marriage works.

Get some counselling, talk to your husband, break of your other relationship because no good can come of it. Even if you do divorce your husband you said it yourself that Lover boy won't leave his wife. The two of you are destroying two families, is it really worth it?

Think it through and realized that what all of us are saying is true. Follow your conscience not your loins.

[dragnlady5]

Wonderful answers. As for the woman's point of view. I am married and I love my husband to death and can't ever see any reason to step out on him. If It EVER got to that point I hope I would respect myself, my kids and my husband to tell him Hey something is wrong. I have devoted my life to my family and would stop at nothing to fix it instead of kill it. Now if you make an honest effort to fix your marriage and he wants nothing to do with it then raise your head high, you gave it your all, and quietly walk away. Have you ever thought maybe your hubby knows you are having an affair and that is why he is so distant?
I agree with Don drop the affair, it will get you no where, walk into the other room and get to know that man you promised to LOVE HONOR AND CHERISH.
If you are not willing to make the effort and sacarfice it takes to get your marriage back on the right track then your marriage is doomed and someone needs to walk away. It is to hard on the kids they see all this happening and know more then you think they do.

[JBeaucaire]

It's so hard to be good, isn't it? I mean MAN, it really is tough. It is so tough, we give ourselves an "it's OK" internally with comments like "I just can't stop" or "I can't control myself".

My point is you have some serious things to deal with, and instead of dealing with them you are not only doing things you KNOW you hate to do, you then absolve yourself by claiming you're some kind of puppet and you can't do anything about it.

Well, that's just poppycock all the way around. Being a good person is something you DO 24/7 because that's what you DO. So what if it's hard!

Before anything we say to you here in the forum will have any hope of being helpful, YOU have to decide that you ARE in control and can actually be a participant in what is going on in your life. You know it's true, and when you regain your backbone you'll be able to effect some marvelous changes in your life.

Harsh enough that maybe you heard me? I hope so. Now here is some positive help. Repeat the following truths:

• I love my husband
• My husband is my friend
• I care about my marraige
• I like sex, but my marraige is more important
• My actions determine if I'm a good person or not
• I can be a good and faithful wife
• I will pay attention to my marraige as if mattered

Now practice that over and over in the mirror. Frequently. It doesn't even matter if your husband accidentally hears you.

Now, you're husband is your best friend, so go confide in your best friend, slowly and with common sense about how much and how quickly. Tell him you love him and want your husband back, too, so you're making some changes in YOUR life to help facilitate that. You two need to start dating again.

STEP 1 - Sell YOUR TV and stop using it to entertain yourself if it's affecting your home life. Sit in the room with him and watch his shows and talk to him about them and laugh and cry. When a TV is on at home, you're both watching it together, or it's off.

STEP 2 - Date night! Time to reinstate some of your premarraige rituals. So by Monday of each week you've planned and scheduled your Friday night date and you spend all week giggling about it and looking forward to it together. You take turns planning it, and even "keep it a surprise" if that helps sometimes, but the dates MUST be fully planned and booked at the beginning of the week so you have substantive things to look forward to together.

STEP 3 - Vacations! This is really an extension of the STEP 2 where we setup things to look forward to together. This has done WONDERS in my married life. We now plan two MAJOR vacation outings each year. They are planned (at least the actual destinations) at least 3 months in advancee and we spend those months shopping the best deals for hotels and cars and events in the area, it is TOTALLY a blast.

STEP 4 - Sexual spontaneity. As you're reestablishing some courting behaviors in step 2, you should also do the same for sexual courting. You need to signal to him that you still see him as and desire him sexually. And this doesn't always involve ACTUAL sex, which often feel forced and pressured.

For instance, find ways when you're in public to stimulate him sexually, there's no way for him to fully respond so his mind won't feel negatively pressured, but he gets the message.

• Play footsie with his crotch while at the lunch table with another couple.
• Wear a loose fitting blouse with no bra and visit him at work, making sure you accidentally expose yourself bending over his desk or something.
• My favorite - use the escalator in the mall step on in front of him, then nestle down close and gently rub on him as you rise together. Act completely innocent and even talk to him about other things when you do it. He'll think you're nuts, and he'll love it. Then ride down immediately the other side. He'll actually start looking forward to the escalator.
• Get him involved in men's athletics. Men's libidos are usually heightened in the afternoons and evenings after they've played some physically exerting sport like football or basketball. Get him into a league and cheer him on. This really can work, plus it gets you out from in front of the TV.
• Call him up and invite him to the prom, act girlish and silly, get a prom dress, make him get a tux, maybe even find a real prom to crash (or serve as a chaperone to get in)... maybe you'll get lucky that night, (tee-hee)

You get the idea. The time and energy you've spent courting another man needs to be focused on courting your own. It's the same thing except with the RIGHT man, the one you promised. It's time to court your man again, and he's totally worth it, right?

[JudyKayTee]

[QUOTE=JBeaucaire]Now, you're husband is your best friend, so go confide in your best friend, slowly and with common sense about how much and how quickly. Tell him you love him and want your husband back, too, so you're making some changes in YOUR life to help facilitate that. You two need to start dating again.

For instance, find ways when you're in public to stimulate him sexually, there's no way for him to fully respond so his mind won't feel negatively pressured, but he gets the message. [list][*]Play footsie with his crotch while at the lunch table with another couple.[*]Wear a loose fitting blouse with no bra and visit him at work, making sure you accidentally expose yourself bending over his desk or something.[*]My favorite - use the escalator in the mall step on in front of him, then nestle down close and gently rub on him as you rise together. Act completely innocent and even talk to him about other things when you do it. He'll think you're nuts, and he'll love it. Then ride down immediately the other side. He'll actually start looking forward to the escalator.


I'm sure everyone handles his/her/their marriage in a different fashion. Speaking only for me - I'm not into the "stimulate him sexually in public" scene, not at all. Would never play footsie with his crotch in a restaurant; appear at his workplace and expose myself; rub against him on an escalator. Just not my style. I wouldn't embarrass him, the general public, his employees... or myself by behaving in this manner. Not saying I wouldn't indulge in the privacy of our home - just not in public, nor would I have resorted to this behavior if there were an intimacy problem.

If the OP resumes sex with her husband she has only put a bandage on a far more serious issue.

My husband and I (I am now a widow) had both been married before and we promised each other that there would be no games in our marriage - I'm pretty straight forward to begin with, as was he. Maybe we had better communication than other people, I don't know.

And I would be afraid in the OP's situation if she tries any of this "teasing" behavior and he responds in any sort of negative way it is going to devastate her.

My only other thought about affairs: I think I would as upset about my partner lying to me as I would about the sex with another person.

And how do women do this to other women?

- As always, just my opinon.

[lynann]

You are all right. And have given great advice. If I thought that this was worth it. I think we will be better as friends. It has nothing to do with the other man as he is happy in his marriage. So I know he will never leave her for me. He has the best of both worlds right now..

[JBeaucaire]

Judy. I understand, my main point was to get the ball rolling thinking BACK to the way people behave when they first court and start to play sexually. It is often playful, and includes occurrences in public settings that are intended to still stay private, adding slightly to the thrill.

Every couple has/had their sexual stimulous courting ritual, and all I really mean to say is that stuff REALLY should remain in you relationship after years of being together. Less "teasing" and more simple gestures of clear sexual attraction. The public setting was just my way of insuring no real sexual activity occurs, underlining the playfulness of it all.

Every couple knows what that actually means. My examples are from my experiences, and Lynann would surely have much better ideas of her own from her past with this man.

Lynann, I'd also suggest you reconsider the energy you're spending thinking about your affair partner's state of mind. This is a red herring. He doesn't have "the best of both worlds", another one of those commonly used phrases that are misdirecting. He's in trouble, too.

Focus back on your marriage and not the other man. He doesn't belong in your life, you know that, and it saddens you to have to choose to give up something you DO enjoy for something you are currently NOT enjoying.

But that's the point of marriage. "Better or worse" was not an accidental inclusion in the vows you took, it was acknowledgement of what WAS going to happen. You're in some of the "worse" right now, and you need to stay in the game and plan some actual approach to rekindling your entire marriage, sex too. If my ideas are too risqué, then just find your versions of things to do to slowly restart that process.

Courting behavior is our BEST behavior, typically. That's why I suggest it.

[JudyKayTee]

[QUOTE=JBeaucaire]Judy. I understand, my main point was to get the ball rolling thinking BACK to the way people behave when they first court and start to play sexually. It is often playful, and includes occurrences in public settings that are intended to still stay private, adding slightly to the thrill.

Every couple has/had their sexual stimulous courting ritual, and all I really mean to say is that stuff REALLY should remain in you relationship after years of being together. Less "teasing" and more simple gestures of clear sexual attraction. The public setting was just my way of insuring no real sexual activity occurs, underlining the playfulness of it all.

Every couple knows what that actually means. My examples are from my experiences, and Lynann would surely have much better ideas of her own from her past with this man.



But what if it has the opposite effect? The best way to tell if your MAN is cheating is when he comes home with new "ideas," new positions, different behavior. I would guess it works the other way, too. Or if it's a turn off? Or, worse yet, if he rejects the advances? That could really put things to an end.

Why not just ask him to go to counselling, talk to you, discuss whatever the problem is/was/could be - ? Tell him you're unhappy, no need to mention the affair. Talk to him. As I said, I believe in honesty, no games.

If no sex drives you to an affair hope neither one of you ever becomes seriously or chronically ill or physically handicapped -

But that aside - my other thought would be there's a real good chance if the "other man" is cheating with you he's cheating or has cheated with someone else so I'd get myself tested for whatever being passed around right now, including AIDS.

[lynann]

I'm going to end this affair. I'm being selfish that's why I'm still in it. My few hours of happiness with him has taken over my life. My head..
I have already thought about the other man cheating on me also. It's scary. Once a cheater always a cheater. He's not a good man. And I am no longer a good woman. I never thought that I would cheat on my husband. Always spoke bad about other men/women who did. Thank you for your advice. It has helped. Nobody knows what I am doing, not family not best friends. So I have no one to talk to about this. Thanks..

[lynann]

I just sent him an email saying that I cannot do this with him anymore. Is that bad, by email? I told him that I love him but this is going nowhere. That we will only end up hurting others if we stay together. I'm sad..

[Alty]

Lynann, I'm so proud of you. You are a really good person, you just lost track of what's important. Now that this man is out of your life, it's time to try and build a relationship with your husband again. It won't be easy, and it won't be instant, but with time and effort I think that you can get back what you've lost.

Don't be sad, be proud, you did the right thing.

Good luck to you, if you ever need to talk I'm here.

[JBeaucaire]

Email is fine. ANd remember, this is going to be like dealing wth any unhealthy addiction. You're mind/body will scream at you to reconsider and you must stay firm until you have full control again. It's not a figure of speech when I say you have to get this guy "out of your system."

So, NO CONTACT with him ever again, cold turkey. No emails, no texts, no visiting your special places ever again. You need to focus on your life.

Deciding to do this is the only path back to regaining your goodness. Owning your actions is awesome. Use real words to describe yourself, your actions and don't soften them or give yourself a chance to backslide. Be firm and harsh, if necessary.

Being that "good person" requires you do the hard work and sacrifice the effort on your life partner. That's what you promised to do. Doing that, making that effort, for as long as you're able, that's the "good" path.

We're all proud to see you take up THAT journey. God speed.

[talaniman]

I'm going to end this affair. I'm being selfish that's why I'm still in it. My few hours of happiness with him has taken over my life. My head..

So glad you are making positive moves for yourself, as there is no excuse for cheating, NONE, and I do believe that the time, and emotion, you give someone else only serves to make your own problems worse at home. Not easy but cutting contact and refocusing how to get your man in the same bedroom is where your energy should be. You saved me writing a really nasty post, and I thank you for that. Good luck, rebuilding your marriage. If you need help, ask for it.

[peggyhill]

Good for you for doing the right thing! Stand your ground if he tries to get you to continue the affair. I think 'no contact' is your best bet right now. I know it's hard, but you have taken a major step in doing right here, so good for you.