[talaniman]

The rule in my house is, if you have to hide it don't do it. Neither of us has friends that we have to keep from each other. Just me, be sure HE knows where YOU stand.

[talaniman]

I don't go out at all like that any longer - like I said because the EX would frequent the same places (of course I think purposefully) and I didn't want to invite awkwardness. Trouble is I loved going out with my wife and dancing. My wife is HOT!

You need some help fast buddy. Instead of hiding at work, you need to be at home and spending a lot more time with your female. She works and you work all the time. You can't need money that bad. Balance your life, and get some rest to go with the hard work, and stop blaming some guy who hangs with your ladies crowd, on your own actions. Home, and family and being happy, are more important, than working for money, so drop the crybaby excuses, and enjoy your female. I'm sure its you, giving him the opportunity to be around her so much. No more excuses. I told you to talk about it, in your other post, now I am telling you to stop thinking, and put some positive actions, concerning your female, into play. Has all that work, and no rest scrambled your brain? Stop being scared of this guy and be every where he is and show him who the man is. Awkward my a$$. Oh sorry I forgot, no bashing. SHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... smell the coffee and get busy with the female you married, or quite skwacking about it

[MyLife777]

Updates on my end - we've been getting along OK and I been trying to be there for her and taking care of the kids and running errands... odd things around the house that need to be done etc. I think she appreciates the help and tells me so. I been making dinner for her when she gets home late and having the kids all set on the dinner end too - she gets home after 730pm so... starting dinner is lousy at that time for her so I do it.
We went to a baby christening this wknd with our two daughters and I enjoyed being with them.
I still feel deep down my wife isn't telling me something here regarding her EX.
Now she is planning on going away end of June to cancun mexico with her girlfriends.
Funny thing is who goes to mexico (when we live in northeast) in June ? Usually folks go when its cold out.
The odd thing is this is when her ex's birthday is and I know she resents me for not letting her go to the ex's b-party last year.
I asked her if he is planning on going and she said no.

Question - if he does go (and its obviously because my wife is there) what do I do ? Do I let it go and let her go on vaca with her ex to another country ?
Freedom is nice but this will devastate me to the point I will need to make some sort of decision here... I know I am guessing at the moment but I just know what's going to happen.
She also added a comment that "oh he usually goes on vaca to florida around that time anyways"
I don't know what to do.
Oh and this past wknd sat night was girls night out - and of course the EX was at the club too.

[talaniman]

So she is going to Cancun with her g/f's? Which ones? Do you know them?

[MyLife777]

I know the girlfriends by name but not really acquaintances. I'm sure however I will be able to find out through the rumor mill if he is going or is not.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Mylife:

I really feel for you. Most of the advice you have been given here seems a little offbase. Your wife is is a selfish b*_tch. And you are paying the price for her having her cake and eating it too.

I had a similar situation, where the ex was constantly in the picture. She ended back with him. I blamed myself for everything because she was always saying things like I have a trust issue and other bs. The real problem is her.

Can you move. I know that this sounds drastic, but get a better job far away from this guy, or better yet take care of it the italian way. Otherwise this is never going to stop.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Synnen: you said - WRONG! He is paying the price for lack of the kind of attention his wife wanted. It's not the EX that doesn't respect the marriage--it's all THREE of the people involved.

That's just a B_S excuse for her being able to do what she wants to do and shift the blame on him.

If that was truly the case she would have discussed it with him and they would have worked on it and she would have respected his wishes to limit seeing the ex (notice she said she would but then texted him like crazy). Look at her actions not her words. The only time he has had no stress is when the ex got a new GF.

This happens all the time. Girl gets to a certain age then settles. Then she blames the husband for her mistake when she gets bored for making a stupid mistake. Then she cheats and says "it just happened, I was surprised too".

She has lost the respect for him and her ex needs a stand down. This isn't going to end pretty.

[Synnen]

Yes... but why is it the EX'S fault?

The problems in a marriage are because of the members of a marriage--NOT because of someone outside of the marriage. PERIOD.

You are only hearing HIS side of things. I'm reading between the lines---as the wife who cheated for lack of attention, once upon a time. I really really don't think that men understand that they have to CONTINUE to chase, even after married. They have to still compliment, they have to buy flowers, they have to give their TIME and ATTENTION to their wives.

I bet she HAS tried to talk to him about it. I bet she's tried a LOT of things to get his attention, and at this point has just given up on her husband being her confidant, and has gone to the person who, besides her husband, is closest to her. HE listens to her. HE pays attention to her. HE goes out dancing with her.

If the OP wants the ex out of the picture, then he'd better be willing to fill the spaces in his wife's life that the ex currently does.

It's not a matter of OMG, she's hanging out with another GUY! She MUST be cheating! HEY! I am the husband! She should be doing stuff with ME! Wait, I'm doing OTHER STUFF! She should be doing MY STUFF with ME! Not HER stuff with someone ELSE!!

It's communication--which I've stressed several times. And communication doesn't mean "Tell her to stop seeing and talking to someone important to her"--ultimatims seldome work, in either direction. Communication means actually listening for both parties.

I really think that nothing short of marriage counseling is going to help this marriage--somehow they forgot how to be there for each other, and have BOTH focused on their own way of doing things, instead of being a team.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Yes... but why is it the EX'S fault?

There is a difference between saying hello to an ex once a month and texting or calling them every day. She is out of line.

I'm reading between the lines---as the wife who cheated for lack of attention, once upon a time. I really really don't think that men understand that they have to CONTINUE to chase, even after married. They have to still compliment, they have to buy flowers, they have to give their TIME and ATTENTION to their wives.

I am going to disagree, A woman wants a man. One who is a challenge but also compliments her but not too often. A man that gives her security and will be there when she needs him.

The moment a woman can walk all over you, she becomes the man and loses all respect. And did it ever occur to you that maybe your husband was bored with you, hence the lack of attention?

I bet she HAS tried to talk to him about it. I bet she's tried a LOT of things to get his attention, and at this point has just given up on her husband being her confidant, and has gone to the person who, besides her husband, is closest to her. HE listens to her. HE pays attention to her. HE goes out dancing with her.

We need the OP to answer this for us.

[Synnen]

A woman wants a PARTNER.

My husband spoils me rotten, and I'm glad to admit it. But... once upon a time, he had no time for me. I tried notes, talking, cooking his favorite meal, sexy lingerie, asking him to do everything I went to do, trying to get interested in the things he did... EVERYTHING. He stayed wrapped up in his own thing, his own world. It took me cheating to wake BOTH of us up.

AND--I'm friends with all of my exes too. Even now, after all that's happened.

A woman wants a man, sure--but she wants one that goes with her to do the things she likes (and that he enjoys too), not one that is intimidated enough by the ex to not go at all. She wants a man who is willing to stake his claim on her in subtle ways--like going dancing with her, instead of just being mad that the ex is there when she goes dancing. She wants a man who talks to her, not one that demands that she stop being friends with someone that makes HIM uncomfortable... especially since HE used to be friends with the guy too!

There's more to this story, I'm betting. And I bet a lot of it is that they just are not communicating on the same level. I bet she's NOT just being a b1tch that wants her cake and to be able to eat it too, and I bet he's not just a poor suffering husband that's doing everythign right and still is losing his wife. It takes TWO to make a marriage work, and I bet that NEITHER has done anything to qualify for sainthood.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Synnen:

I am going to hold off on any further comments until the OP posts. Let's see how this one develops.