[Bluetooth]

How do I learn to not be his enabler?
I'm not sure how I am doing this and how to stop it.

[lilfyre]

Wow, here goes one of my stories again, I am sure you all love them so,

What is an enabler? Well it is basically a person that helps the person that is out of control.

I would go get his six packs because he was to drunk to drive. (Enabling)

Call his boss and tell them he had a cold or the flue, (Enabling)

Threatened to leave and never did (Enabling)
Tip toed around his drinking so we would not fight (Enabling)

Picked him up from the bar when the bar tender flagged him and took his keys (Enabling)

Telling people at a picnic that he did not mean what he said, he had a bad week, after he cursed every one out (Enabling)

Forgiving him for driving drunk, speeding blowing the tire and crashing his truck (Enabling)

Forgiving him for burying my truck in the woods in one of his alcohol induced stupidity moments. (Enabling)

Crashing my camaro on a rainy foggy night and blaming it on the weather. (Enabling)

Giving him a towel and rubbing his back while he is praying to the porcelain god of the bathroom. (Enabling)

Asking him to drink just one six pack rather than that 12 pack (Enabling)

Working three jobs to cover the bills because he lost or quit another job (Enabling)


I could fill the page and go on for hour and hours. They will not stop unless they have hit rock bottom.

My alcoholic hit bottom, when I took his keys and would not go to the bar and get him any more beer. With a few AA & Al-anon meetings under my belt, I knew his recovery was up to him. He got on his bike and decided to ride to the bar. I stood there in tears, thinking he would be killed once he hit town, I watched him pedal his drunk @$$ down the driveway and fall over. He laid there at the end of the driveway in the rain flailing around trying to get up. I hate to say this but I left him there in the rain. I watched for awhile, even walked up and checked on him. Once I was sure he was okay I went back in the house. I sat up most of the night watching the end of the driveway. He finally made it back to the house as the sun was rising. I pretended to sleep as he went up stairs. I never called him in to work for the day, I just went to work. This was my husband shinning day that he realized he had a problem.

[augustknight]

bizygurl has expressed it in very clear and poignant terms. There is never any judgement at these meetings, only understanding. And I noticed that she said that she will not go through this ordeal again. Total abstinence is the only option.

[Bluetooth]

I don't encorage him and I'm not about to.
I'm not a drinker, Ive never bought him drink and not about to start.
I understand what it is and going by those examples you gave me I can happily say that's not me.
I'm the opposite in fact, I've left him lying in drunken heaps and gone to bed.
He knows I will NOT make excuses for his screw ups
I can see how I could end up falling for his bull sh**.
Thankfully I am doing the right things - Phew!
Thanks though.
Blue

[Bluetooth]

Well guys I said I'd keep you posted. Last night he punched a hole right through my bedroom door. He returned later to tell me he is leaving, the next thing I got his mum on the phone saying " have you seen the state of his arm" etc accusing me of causing him to cause such injuries to himself. He's made me out to be a raving physco, begging his mother to let him move back home asap. When in actual fact he's been sober 3 days and is feeling the strain. Weakness is starting to show and he'll stop at nothing to make it hard for me. So my friends the war is over, he's leaving me. I won't stop him, it's best for everyone concerned that he just goes. As hard as it is to accept but I'm too tired to fight on... Thanks everyone for your good advice.
Blue

[bizygurl]

Sweetie, your better off, now that he is getting violent its best that he does leave. YOu never know instead of that wall, next time it could be your face. I think your doing the right thing. He obviously is reacting to being sober in a violent way and you don't want to be anywhere around him if that is going to happen. So happy are advice has helped you! Hope to see you around the forums, and good luck with everything. ---bizygurl

[augustknight]

So his mommy called to blame you for his problems. Isn't that sweet. Obvisously she is an enabler. So this gentleman has been coddled all his life. As long as he has a lifeline to someone that will tolerate him, he has no compelling need to stop drinking.
I do feel sorry for you. It's hard to be the victim. But you must remember one thing before you make your choice to leave him or forgive him. Even though there was something that attracted you to him, that part of him is only available sometimes, on the other hand he is an alcoholic 100% of the time.
I hope he gets help. It's not until he admits it in his soul he is lying to himself, and you.

[Bluetooth]

Ha ha ha yes he went running to mummy.
I love the humour by the way.

You are so right there! Good advice Good bunch of people!

Thanks to all that advised me and I'm sure you'll see me around.
Probably in the lonely hearts column lol

Chat to you again soon.
Blue

[Fr_Chuck]

You still have a lot of healilng to do, there have support groups for spouses of alcholics and they also help those who are separated from the person. It may help to sit though some of their groups.


And/or if you belong to some religious group, no matter what the faith, perhaps discussing this with someone at your faith can help

[lilfyre]

You still have alot of healilng to do, there have support groups for spouses of alcholics and they also help those who are seperated from the person. It may help to sit though some of thier groups.


And/or if you belong to some religious group, no matter what the faith, perhaps discussing this with someone at your faith can help

You ca n still go to Al-anon, it is a good place (O:

[giggles]

I wish you the best of luck, and sorry it had to end messily with his mother getting involved (the cheek of her!). Bizygirl is right: you could have been the wall if it had gone on any longer. And PLEASE remember augustknight's advice, in the dark, lonely moments when you miss his shape in bed beside you: that you are attracted to a part of him, and that part isn't always available. An ex of mine was a very heavy drinker, with violent tendencies when he was drunk, and as much as I missed him on my first futile attempts to break up with him, I was always lured back by sheer loneliness and lack of self respect (it's a horrible thing to admit, but it's true!). But that is the bottom line: he is not fully available to you. So rest yourself, have good nights in or out with family and friends, and I guarantee in a few months, you'll be shocked at what you put up with. It's all about the little things, and you'll be surprised how many "little things" will pop into your head and really annoy you! Good luck xx :)

[powergirl]

"My definition is simple..."

Here's my question:

My boyfriend LOVES to drink. Beer and wine, but especially wine. And he's never had any of those serious consequences that you mentioned before. He's very responsible. But we've discussed, and he agrees, that two drinks a day is the maximum amount of alcohol a man can drink and remain healthy. And lately he's been drinking more than that most days. I don't know if he's tried to stop or not. I think we're both just starting to realize that this is a problem.

What should he do next? What should I do?

[johnboy64]

I'm at a real low point in my life because I think my boyfriend is an alcoholic.
He would never admit it, but isn't that how the problems start?

I have an alcoholic mother who has drunk from the tender age of 16; she is now 68 and is blind in 1 eye and losing sight in the other.
Her health has taken a dramatic fall over the years and she still to this day will swear that she is NOT an alcoholic. Sometimes I could just scream!

I had a crap childhood, I would never dare take friends home through fear of what state she'd be in when I got home from school.
I was a child who had to play the mother role to my younger siblings while Mum drunk herself to the point of passing out.

Now I'm with a man who I believe has a drink problem.
He drinks 6 cans of Stella a day. If he doesn't get a drink, his mood switches and he turns into this evil nasty person
He started drinking at the age of about 14.

Please please can anyone tell me...?
Does this sound like he is an alcoholic? or is he a binge drinker?

He drinks from the minute he gets in from work and on some occasions has stumbled in drunk.
He does this 7 days a week starting as early as 10am on the weekend.

Should I be worried? I know I should be but your responses will help me a great deal when I am able to show him what I've found out.
Your responses would mean a lot to a frustrated and unhappy me...

Man, do I understand what you're going through and I sympathize. I'm an alcoholic who will, God willing, have 12 years sober next March. I'm truly a miracle.

Your man is unequivocally alcoholic, but, as you indicate, only his self-diagnosis is important for his recovery. As with your Mom, nothing can be done about an alcoholic until he or she makes the admission and decides to take action. You can do nothing except escape the scene for safety's sake if he is violent/abusive and possibly encourage him. Criticism, threats, arguing all make the problem worse.

[DanieLovesPaul]

Okay I would like to start by saying most of you are missing the point. Medical science has proven that addiction is not a choice it is a medical ailment. A disease. They are closing in on the gene in which causes addiction. I have an alcoholic mother, grandfather, and yes and alcoholic boyfriend. I myself have the Disease of Addiction, but I managed to stop my addiction before it was too late. I was addicted to coccain for over a year, and while I battle with and get the urges I have been clean for about 2 years. Think about biting your nails. How often do you bite them until you have nothing left to bite. Or what about those of us who are overweight? We still go for that food we don't need. Its not selfishness, and I think to say that is frankly selfish in itself. The reason that these people do not admit they have a problem is not because they don't realize it. They do. They are embarrassed. Instead of bumping heads, and fighting be SUPPORTIVE. Tell him on a day when he is sober, and start with"Honey, I know that things are bothering you in your life. But you dont need to hide. I am with you. Lets fix what's wrong together." Reassure him you love him and you will help him. And realize that there drinking is not your fault, and, is not HIS FAULT. My boyfriend had a bad child hood, and misses his teen sons who are miles upon hundreds of miles away. And h drinks, but when him and I sit out back and fish and laugh and joke I take away his need for it. Be supportive. I can't say it enough. And don't give up on him! So many people give up and it just hurts that person more. That person ill not get better if you leave. If you are in an abusive situation, whether it be physically, sexually or verbally, then yes, your safety and mental well being is more important, but don't give up on him. Try to talk to him. NO ULTIMATUMS- Stop drinking or we're done. No none of that. Tell him how you feel, when he is sober, and the first time he will be angry but be persistent with your heart and love. Don't make it sound like you are attacking him. Trust me. To call him selfish when it is all about self medication an depression, that's not right, and don't ever call him selfish. Don't attack him, trust me, he beats himself up over it everyday. My boyfriend knows he has a problem. That's all I need him to see, that's the first step, now find activities you guys can do together. I have done so much research and have such a personal experience with this. I urge any one who wishes to talk to e-mail me at [email protected] or [email protected].

[N0help4u]

If he doesn't get a drink, his mood switches and he turns into this evil nasty person.

Addicts D0 get moody and nasty when they are in withdraw or don't know when or where they will get their next drink

He started drinking at the age of about 14.

The founder of Gateway Rehab says that at whatever age a person starts their addiction is the age their emotional maturity stops.

Please please can anyone tell me...?
Does this sound like he is an alcoholic? or is he a binge drinker?

I think you know the answer to that but may be in denial. Binge drinkers only drink on weekend or LESS than four days a week. They aren't stumbling in the door everyday after work.

Should I be worried? I know I should be but your responses will help me a great deal when I am able to show him what I've found out.

Showing him what you have found most probably won't do a thing because he most likely is content with the way things are. You can't change him he has to want to change himself.

[talaniman]

DLP,
Glad you found your way, most don't and many die from their disease.
You do not play with an addict, or alcoholic. You protect yourself by keeping them away from you. You want fact, and not research, and methods that work, try Al-Anon, where they deal with it and you. Until your b/f has recovered, and you have found happiness, don't tell us of research, supporting them, or walking to the park. I doubt if you have seen the death and destruction I have, so don't spread false hope or half truth.

[cascais]

Bluetooth,
I realise all those postings where made long ago, but now it's my turn to decide the best way to deal with my future husband... cause the evidence (and the lack of nonsense he speaks) tells me he has a serious, chronic alcohol addiction. Ant the reason I am searching info is because I just don't like to "abandon" him when he needs to be rescued (from alcohol). On the other hand I cannot live like this (painfull and inconsistent jealousie) and it makes us both suffer. I don't want to assist his slow, degrading suicide by alcohol. My question is: should I leave him until he recognizes he has a problem and show me he wants to treat himself? Since it happened to you in 2006 what where your results? Did staying with him worked? Tell me something... you Bluetooth or anyone else with the same experience of having your loved one alcoholic.

[1flwrgrl]

If you really love him, why would you help him to continue this path of personal destruction? Staying and fixing things all the time removes his responsibility. No one thinks that by leaving you are not loving. Just the opposite, really. Staying seems like the truly unloving thing to do, if you really want him to get help and get healthy. It won't happen while you are staying and making everything all right all the time.

[Hawaiihereicome]

If someone has a two day a week drinking agreement with their loved one and they break it 2 or 3 times out of the month with a "special occasion" which is anything from friend just wanting to come over to birthday party. And then when they are told they have ultimatum even if they are madly in love with someone and bought engagement ring but they choose to leave and then start drinking every day to deal with the pain of losing that person, soemtimes all day and they claim you don't know what you are talking about that you can't see whole story unless you go with them. But you know they drank at least two beers in afternoon then again in evening up until 11pm and then come home and have two or three more beers. They told you they need a break to think about things.

Do you think maybe just maybe they are an alcoholic?

[Hawaiihereicome]

If someone has a two day a week drinking agreement with their loved one and they break it 2 or 3 times out of the month with a "special occasion" which is anything from friend just wanting to come over to birthday party. And then when they are told they have ultimatum even if they are madly in love with someone and bought engagement ring but they choose to leave and then start drinking every day to deal with the pain of losing that person, soemtimes all day and they claim you don't know what you are talking about that you can't see whole story unless you go with them. But you know they drank at least two beers in afternoon then again in evening up until 11pm and then come home and have two or three more beers. They told you they need a break to think about things.

Do you think maybe just maybe they are an alcoholic?