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    coastal-dream's Avatar
    coastal-dream Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 9, 2008, 02:36 PM
    Husband has female friend
    I need help! I need to know if I am being ridiculous for worrying about this or if I have any real concerns...

    I know that I am a jealous person by nature... I love my husband, and don't like him getting close with other women. He does have a few female friends from before we became married (about one year ago) and I am fine with them, because he includes me now in their relationship... I am worried about a present situation though.

    My husband has a female friend who is single and 8 years younger than him. He texts her and sees her often at work. Lately they have been hanging out just the two of them, and when I told my husband that it bothered me, he was upset. He said that he saw her as a friend, and nothing more, and that I was being ridiculous for worrying about something like that. I asked him to only see her on a professional level, and stop hanging out with her outside of work, and he became very upset. He couldn't believe that I would try to tell him who to hang out with.

    Needless to say, he won the argument because he made me feel untrusting and controlling about his relationship with this girl. I try not to let them hanging out bother me, but it does. I also feel like he's acting differently lately... more distant with me... he says that's all in my head, and that I'm being silly. I feel like that if this relationship continues, that sooner or later it will not be just a "friendly" get-together. Am I crazy for thinking that this girl is going to fall for my husband? My husband said that if he noticed her acting in a "more than friend" way he would re-evaluate the friendship at that time, but honestly, unless she threw herself on him, I don't think he would be able to tell the difference.

    Please help-am I overreacting and just being a selfish wife?
    charlotte234s's Avatar
    charlotte234s Posts: 1,903, Reputation: 143
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    #2

    Mar 9, 2008, 02:40 PM
    He's married, he doesn't need to be texting some girl or hanging out with her, you have every right to be upset. Tell him that the relationship between him and this girl is inappropriate and you need him to cease contact with her outside of work situations, because it's just not okay. I wouldn't even allow my boyfriend just to "go out" and hang out alone with some girl, it's inappropriate. It's different if we're at a party and he talks to some girl for a minute, or if me and him go out to dinner and invite some of our friends, but alone time with some other girl? NOT okay. You have every right to be upset.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    Mar 9, 2008, 02:50 PM
    By not taking your concerns seriously he is disrespecting you and your marriage. This shouldn't be a difficult choice for him, if he loves you, and is committed to your marriage, then he will stop this "friendship" with the other girl. If he doesn't, then you do indeed have something to worry about. Why won't he stop seeing this girl if he knows how much it bothers you. How would he feel if the roles were reversed? He is no longer a single man, he has to realize this and stop this behavior immediately. Don't back down, and don't let him make you feel guilty, you are doing nothing wrong, you can't help the way you feel. Remember, were there is smoke there is fire. Trust your gut and go with it. Good luck.
    mjl's Avatar
    mjl Posts: 486, Reputation: 26
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    #4

    Mar 9, 2008, 02:50 PM
    I know some people will respond to this post by saying "well if you trust him, then you have nothing to worry about." Which they are correct, but in my opinion, you also have to consider the girl. Who knows what she is really up to. You can trust your husband all you want, but how much can you trust a total stranger who happens to be a women hanging out with your husband?
    I agree 100% with charlotte's post. She is correct.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #5

    Mar 9, 2008, 03:37 PM
    I think your husband is crossing the boundaries, not by having a female friend, but in not introducing you, and appearing suspicious. In my house we know each others friends, and keep things within boundaries, but his behavior is not respectful, and not only should you be talking to her, but he should be moving in that direction, so you are not feeling as you do. You shouldn't be taking this, and being more proactive is a must. First ask to be introduced, and if that doesn't go well, bring him lunch at work, and introduce yourself. You will be treated by what you put up with, so don't just roll over, and let him do as he pleases.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #6

    Mar 9, 2008, 03:41 PM
    I don't think you're overreacting or being a selfish wife. To me it really doesn't sound like this "friendship" is appropriate for your husband, being a married man. Ask him how would he like it if you carried on a similar friendship with a single man? Although he may not readily admit it, my guess is he wouldn't like it very much.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #7

    Mar 9, 2008, 03:41 PM
    He is crossing the lines, perhaps a few nights sleeping on the couch,

    But the most seroius thing is that even after you asked him not to, he still does, that shows a total lack of respect for your feelings.
    So go from asking to demanding he stop, if I ever was texting a girl, my wife would take my phone and smash it to 100 pieces.
    charlotte234s's Avatar
    charlotte234s Posts: 1,903, Reputation: 143
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    #8

    Mar 9, 2008, 08:57 PM
    I agree with all of you, it's different to have friends of the opposite sex together, but it's not okay to have private friends of the opposite sex with whom you go out and spend a lot of time, and don't share your entire relationship with your significant other.. that's just ridiculous.
    angelface08's Avatar
    angelface08 Posts: 5, Reputation: 0
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    #9

    Mar 10, 2008, 09:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by coastal-dream
    I need help! I need to know if I am being rediculous for worrying about this or if I have any real concerns...

    I know that I am a jealous person by nature...I love my husband, and don't like him getting close with other women. He does have a few female friends from before we became married (about one year ago) and I am fine with them, because he includes me now in their relationship...I am worried about a present situation though.

    My husband has a female friend who is single and 8 years younger than him. He texts her and sees her often at work. Lately they have been hanging out just the two of them, and when I told my husband that it bothered me, he was upset. He said that he saw her as a friend, and nothing more, and that I was being rediculous for worrying about something like that. I asked him to only see her on a professional level, and stop hanging out with her outside of work, and he became very upset. He couldn't believe that I would try to tell him who to hang out with.

    Needless to say, he won the argument because he made me feel untrusting and controlling about his relationship with this girl. I try not to let them hanging out bother me, but it does. I also feel like he's acting differently lately...more distant with me...he says that's all in my head, and that I'm being silly. I feel like that if this relationship continues, that sooner or later it will not be just a "friendly" get-together. Am I crazy for thinking that this girl is going to fall for my husband? My husband said that if he noticed her acting in a "more than friend" way he would re-evaluate the friendship at that time, but honestly, unless she threw herself on him, I don't think he would be able to tell the difference.

    Please help-am I overreacting and just being a selfish wife?
    I would not trust that. You're his best friend and he's yours right?? Or,. not
    i'd leave him. You can make it on your own, you have a job and are healthy. Life is way to short to follow a life of someone else and worring.
    angelface08's Avatar
    angelface08 Posts: 5, Reputation: 0
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    #10

    Mar 10, 2008, 09:25 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by coastal-dream
    I need help! I need to know if I am being rediculous for worrying about this or if I have any real concerns...

    I know that I am a jealous person by nature...I love my husband, and don't like him getting close with other women. He does have a few female friends from before we became married (about one year ago) and I am fine with them, because he includes me now in their relationship...I am worried about a present situation though.

    My husband has a female friend who is single and 8 years younger than him. He texts her and sees her often at work. Lately they have been hanging out just the two of them, and when I told my husband that it bothered me, he was upset. He said that he saw her as a friend, and nothing more, and that I was being rediculous for worrying about something like that. I asked him to only see her on a professional level, and stop hanging out with her outside of work, and he became very upset. He couldn't believe that I would try to tell him who to hang out with.

    Needless to say, he won the argument because he made me feel untrusting and controlling about his relationship with this girl. I try not to let them hanging out bother me, but it does. I also feel like he's acting differently lately...more distant with me...he says that's all in my head, and that I'm being silly. I feel like that if this relationship continues, that sooner or later it will not be just a "friendly" get-together. Am I crazy for thinking that this girl is going to fall for my husband? My husband said that if he noticed her acting in a "more than friend" way he would re-evaluate the friendship at that time, but honestly, unless she threw herself on him, I don't think he would be able to tell the difference.

    Please help-am I overreacting and just being a selfish wife?
    Trust your gut feeling. And go with it. He's trying to make you feel that way so he can still do his girlfriend thing on the side. Don't fall for it. Stand your ground. Ask him if it's ok for you to do the same with a man?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #11

    Mar 10, 2008, 09:32 AM
    Angelface08 - Please refrain from using all caps when posting, it is confusing for the readers and makes your post hard to decipher. It is also against the rules and regulations. Thank you.
    stephstylist's Avatar
    stephstylist Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Mar 11, 2008, 10:07 AM
    I feel that if he is married he doesn't need to be texting or calling or any of that. Leave work at the office and take care of home like a man
    Emmasmommy's Avatar
    Emmasmommy Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    Mar 20, 2008, 12:04 AM
    I have personally been in this type of situation. You should go with your gut feelings as they are usually correct. Your husband is obviously crossing the line, and by becoming defensive, he looks guilty, perhaps of more than an emotional affair. You should confront him and if he refuses to accommodate your request that he behave like a loving husband, I'm afraid he is probably having a full-blown affair with this woman. But if he is, the harsh reality will not change because you want it to. Be strong and do what is best for you, as it is apparent you cannot count on your husband.

    The bottom line is you deserve more than drama and toxic relationships. If you have to leave this situation, do it for yourself. It sounds to me like you will be much better off in the long run.
    girlinterrupted's Avatar
    girlinterrupted Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    May 15, 2009, 07:37 AM

    Costal-Dreams:

    Your husband was right about one thing, you do not have the right to tell your husband who he can hang out with. But you have every right to explain to him when something he is doing is harming you. Then it is his decision as to whether his need for this friendship is greater than his need to make his wife happy. You can not force him to chose you.

    His response that you are being ridiculous is faulty in that you are entitled to every one of your own feelings. They are yours, a part of your past, and what make you who you are, these feels of jealous may lessen as time goes on but only if your husband reacts appropriately. These feelings do not make you a lesser person, them make you human and likely stem from some lacking in your past life.

    More interestingly is what it says about your husband that he needs to have a bunch of "girl" friends. Having friends of the opposite sex while married is not wrong, it just says something is missing in this man who needs constant affirmation from women he has no obligation too.

    Next time you broach the subject with your husband, do it when nothing recent has happened to upset you. Then write out your thoughts (with several drafts) to explain to him how his actions hurt you, affect your relationship, etc. Be prepared to have this conversation in a public place so it can't be dismissed, swept under the rug or swell into an argument.

    I would also suggest counseling. If he won't go, then go by yourself and be sure to go home afterwards and talk about how great the sesson went. Invite him each time you go, if he really cares about your relationship he will eventually show up. It might just take a little time because being married is new to him too!
    Angrychair's Avatar
    Angrychair Posts: 56, Reputation: 7
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    #15

    May 15, 2009, 01:16 PM

    That was how my issues started as "friends and just texting" now Im looking down the double barrel end of a divorce. Trust your gut it never lies. Its inappropriate at best.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #16

    May 15, 2009, 05:39 PM
    If nothing else, there is a big difference between a working relationship within the workplance, and a social relationship outside of the workplace.

    Where one is expected among peers, the latter is not appropriate. That he hangs out with a friend, who is female, and isn't hanging out with you, says a lot. Why does he perfer her to you. What does she do that you don't. Why is she more fun, interesting, etc?

    There is more of an attraction here than just a friend. She is fulfilling some need that he has. Whether she flatters him, leans on him for advice, or just fluffs his ego, there is something she provides, that he chooses to take.

    That she knows he is married, makes her character less than a lab rat. Remember it is not a group of them from the office, it is her, and him.

    The two of them have a relationship, and you have every right to ask questions, demand answers, and insist that it come to a quick end.

    I wouldn't put up with that for one nano second.
    frangipanis's Avatar
    frangipanis Posts: 1,027, Reputation: 75
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    #17

    May 15, 2009, 06:19 PM

    My boyfriend and I just broke up because I finally did some snooping and found a string of photos of glamorous women on his Facebook, two flirty yet not outrageous text messages to two different women on his cell phone that seemed to be kept as a keepsake (plus he has their mobile phone numbers), and a string of emails up until just before Christmas with his ex who invited him for that drink one day - telling him to name the hotel, place and time.

    I went ballistic and did the absolute wrong thing of writing to some of the women on his Facebook letting them know he couldn't be trusted - that he spins bs (I now know for a fact he's lied to me) and is a sexual predator only wanting women for comfort. That may have been an overstatement and most of his relationships with these women were in fact innocent, but he never invited me on to Facebook and never introduced me to any of them. No matter how innocent the relationships may have been, the fact remained I knew nothing about any of them and had no idea how much time he spent chatting online with them when we weren't together or what their relationship was about, so I felt shocked and betrayed.

    He responded similar to your husband, saying I was being ridiculous and overly possessive - that he has never cheated or ever had that intention. He added that without trust there's nothing, and that I killed our relationship. I sure did kill our relationship off and for good, because I expect to be treated much better than that.

    I agree with everyone else, trust your gut and don't spend your life as someone's comfort woman or doormat. If he wants to stay married to you, he has to do most of the changing to make your marriage work, not you.
    Stary eyes's Avatar
    Stary eyes Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    May 20, 2009, 10:08 AM

    He doesn't need to be doing this stuff, if she is just a friend why doesn't he take you along to hang out to, that's not right.. I would play it dirty and make a guy friend but honestly only as a friend and hang out with him without your husband and then maybe he'll understand how you feel, but don't get to into it or you could lose him and I know you don't want that so play it cool
    s_bielecki's Avatar
    s_bielecki Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Oct 2, 2010, 01:53 PM
    Comment on Jake2008's post
    First, I can relate and Im sorry you are going through this! Jake is right, why is she hanging out with a married man? My husbands friend is 12 years younger and all is the same for me except they do not go out alone... That is unacceptable, big no no.

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