[Plumbpudding]

Twice in one year I have mailed a money order for $50.00 together with a wedding card and a personal note. One wedding was a year ago; the other was back in May. At the first wedding, the groom came up to me and said thanks for the money; the second wedding I didn't attend.

Hmmm, maybe in these hectic days I'm expecting too much. Or perhaps the gift wasn't of sufficient value to warrant a thank you note.

Alas, I'm vindictive enough not to send an anniversary gift. ;)

[Taodesuki]

It is an odd thing to me that people always expect something in return. Giving a gift that makes someone happy, helping a friend or stranger in need - that just should be enough. Yet we are just appalled when someone doesn't trip over themselves to show their appreciation.

Yes, traditional politeness says that a thank-you note should have been sent. But the problem here is that you expected one. Why did you give them gifts? So that a few weeks later you would get a card in the mail gushing about how much it meant? It is doubtful that this was your reason.

The fact that a thank-you card is absent from your mailbox does not mean that the gift was not appreciated and put to good use. Surely the bride and groom are grateful - and I don't think it is a matter of "too little" - that seems an appropriate amount.

We must get out of the habit of always expecting something in return. The good feeling we get when giving presents, assisting someone with a task, offering help or words of comfort in times of need - these are all things that have their own built in rewards. We don't do these things so that someone will say, "gee, thank you so much".

The couples you refer to got married to celebrate and legally join their love for one another - the gifts are an extra, helpful and wonderful afterthought. It would appear to me that there are so many things that a newly married couple experience that it would be quite easy to forget to write thank-you cards.

In times past it was a terrible error to not promptly sit down and write out a lavish note to the gift giver. But today things are much different - life moves faster and many of yesterday's common mannerisms are gone or rapidly disappearing.

Expecting things to always remain as they once were is a bit much to ask. Perhaps the gifts were opened and no one thought to keep track of who they were from. There are a zillion reasons the cards never came. Yes, I do agree that it would be nice to have received something - but as you said one groom personally thanked you - surely this is enough!

Remember that they never asked for a gift - it was your choice to give. Presenting someone with a gift and then expecting something - anything - back in return is a bit like attatching strings to the gift, isn't it?

Either you give or don't - it shouldn't be conditional (if you knew they wouldn't have sent a thank-you note, would you still have given it to them? ). If you do get acknowledgement or a proper thank-you then consider that a bonus to your generous act.

Unless you frame each thank-you note and hang it on your wall you really don't need it. You know that your gift was received, you gave it with good blessings and it made you feel happy when you did it. This is all you should ever ask for.

[SashaJo123]

When I am unable to attend a function but choose to send a gift, I wait several weeks and then find a polite way to check to ensure that the gift was received. Often this is easy enough to do through a friend or family member.

Items get lost (or worse!) in the mail and during shipping - so I like to follow up.

[urmod4u]

I would not expect something in return when I give something. On the other hand, I'd feel pretty rude if I would not at least say 'thank you' when I receive something. It's basic politeness. One who doesn't care to say 'thank you' probably doen't care about receiving gifts either.

[Perplexed]

Two and a half years ago, I attended a family wedding. Aside from my grandmother and several aunts, no one (including myself) has received a thank-you, verbal or otherwise, from the couple. I am not amused. Etiquette shouldn't be optional. It's just bad form.

[lil miss vixen]

I totally 100% disagree with your thoughts. But as they are just thoughts, I won't rant about why your wrong.
These days things are indeed, more hectic. And sometimes people don't have time to do the kind and polite things they meant to. But I always send a thank you note after reciving a gift, and if the time is not permitting to right a note out, a phone call should do the trick. It bothers me how people think that young people have no respect. Some of us do. Maybe your gift recivers are rude and thoughtless people. Or maybe their the money is no issue type of people. None the less, people should be thankful for your concent.
If I were in your positition, I would have done the same thing. No anniversary gift for you. Maybe then your rude friend will get the jist.

[orange]

From the point of view of the person receiving a gift, it IS only polite to send a thank you, or at least make a phone call saying thanks. I always make a point of thanking people in some way, even if it's because they've taken me out for coffee or offered me some good advice. I feel guilty if I don't... I even feel guilty if I don't thank experts on this board for their advice! ;)

And if I give someone a gift, it's not that I EXPECT something in return, but it's nice to know if they actually received the gift, and also if they liked it. I find some people very difficult to buy for, and so I like to know that I've given something that was appropriate or useful. And besides, if the person I've given a gift to is my friend, I would genuinely feel hurt if they don't mention the gift to me, just like I assume they would feel hurt if they gave me a gift and I didn't respond. As the old addage says, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

[orange]

Remember that they never asked for a gift - it was your choice to give.

Actually, when one is invited to a wedding, a gift generally IS expected, unless the bride and groom specifically say "no gifts". That's why people have gift registeries in department stores and online, so their guests will know what to buy. And the same thing is true on other occasions as well... when was the last time you were invited to a birthday party and did not come with at least a card? Personally I would feel very out of place if I brought absolutely nothing.

[puttuna]

Hmm, you'd be grabbing deep into your pockets if Anniversary's where involved!

[Picassa]

I agree that a thank you note is required when a gift is given to a couple for their wedding - monetary or otherwise. This is an expectation, not an option, and indeed, manners are manners all over the country so this is not a regional thing. It is simply bad form to dismiss the acknowledgement of a gift due to one presuming they are too busy for common courtesies. It's really not about the giver, more about being a gracious recipient.

When someone takes the time to choose a gift, the recipient should take the time to write a thank you. They received a courtesy, they must acknowledge it with courtesy. No exceptions, no excuses, and those who say this isn't required or expected any longer are living a rich fantasy life. Others will perceive them as ungrateful and rude.

[mldubose]

I agree that a thank you note is required when a gift is given to a couple for their wedding - monetary or otherwise. This is an expectation, not an option, and indeed, manners are manners all over the country so this is not a regional thing. It is simply bad form to dismiss the acknowledgement of a gift due to one presuming they are too busy for common courtesies. It's really not about the giver, more about being a gracious recipient.

When someone takes the time to choose a gift, the recipient should take the time to write a thank you. They received a courtesy, they must acknowledge it with courtesy. No exceptions, no excuses, and those who say this isn't required or expected any longer are living a rich fantasy life. Others will perceive them as ungrateful and rude.

Amen, sister.

In our culture, if you receive a wedding gift, you write a note of appreciation. This takes but a moment of your time for each gift, and it's the least you can do to show your thanks for their generosity. This is still one way to separate the well-bred from the pig-mannered of society.

We have many customs in our culture that define "normal and accepted behavior" and this is just but one. For example, it is accepted that the bride and groom would not smoke, curse, or fart while reciting their vows. And neither would any of the guests.

If a person has a problem with the customs of a society, they can either work to change them (with resistance, perhaps), start their own society, or move somewhere isolated where no one expects anything from them.

There are several wedding customs that have not survived the test of time, such as the bride wearing white as a sign of virginity. Or a pregnant bride having to get married in secret because of feeling shame or wanting to avoid the self-righteous censure of others because the pregnancy happened before the ceremony.

It doesn't matter how "fast-paced" our society has gotten. No one should ever be too busy for good manners.

[lacuran8626]

You should have been sent a thank you note but I don't see the sense in waiting for it, either. You gave what you wanted to give and now it's, well - given away!

I would not give an anniversary gift to anyone other than my own spouse, personally, unless it was a major milestone. I know some people do with their own parents or their children - my parents always felt it was between them so it's what I'm used to. But for a friend or extended relative to give an anniversary gift is, in my mind, going way above and beyond.