[unhappy719]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years in July. We just had an all out brawl tonight. We pretty much started fighting about nothing like always and then it blew up like it always does. Anyway we have two kids together and I have one son from a previous relationship. I'm also pregnant. When I was pregnant with my last child, which I just had her in Nov. we decided that I would be a stay at home mom. Also all of his money that he gets from his job goes to his own bank account and the only money that I get is from my child support from my oldest child which isn't enough to make it on my own with three kids and being pregnant. We just don't get along anymore we fight all the time. I need to get away and my family lives in Iowa and I live in NC but they won't help me anymore because I tried to leave him last year and that only lasted a month and they helped me and they weren't too happy that I went back to him. Now he is threatening me that if I leave the state that he will get me arrested and take the kids like I'm kidnapping them. So it's like I'm stuck and he won't get out of the house even though his parents live right here and he actually has somewhere else to go and I don't I'm stuck here with him. Also, he spanks my oldest with a belt. I'm not against spanking like a little swat on the butt with pants on but nothing too hard but he is all into spanking with a belt. What should I do and I'm scared when he will start with my second child he keeps saying he's not old enough yet but I'm scared for the day when he actually is or when my daughter will be. I got spanked with a belt when I was little and I promised myself that I would never do that to my kids. I need help any suggestions would help!
Shelly

[prenatal11]

Will for 1 I really don't think you could be arrested for leaving your husband and taking the kids... people do it all the time.I would try my family once again but before you do you might need to think if this is something you really want to do..

[kraz]

How can you allow your husband to abuse a child with a belt, what kind of mother are you? Where is the protection a mother has for her children. You said "Also, he spanks my oldest with a belt. I'm not against spanking like a little swat on the butt with pants on but nothing too hard but he is all into spanking with a belt. What, does he undress your son before he beat him, if he does, what psychological damage is that going to cause your son?

Plead with your family again, or just send your son to them so he doesn't have to put up with the abuse from a stepfather. Go to a battered women's shelter, find out what services are available for you. File for divorce, apply for child support and alimony immediately.
What messages are you sending to your children, that anger, abuse and fighting is normal behavior?

[star3114]

Okay, I have been there and done that... any questions, read my other posts. Start with a protection order and a lawyer. See if your family will help you get the money for a lawyer... I would get a good one. The retainer on my lawyer is $2000 but she is letting me make payments. Even being a stay at home mom, you are entitled to money. The protection order can force him out of the house, or he will go to jail. To get a protection order, you usually need to document things that have happened... jog your memory on dates and incidents. Even if you don't know exact dates, approximates will work. Also, you can take your kids to your parents and he can't arrest you. You have legal rights to those kids... and they probably haven't seen their grandparents in a while. You may want to file the protection order stuff once you get to your family's house. It usually takes a day or two for it to be effective as the judge has to sign off on it. If you file early in the morning, it is possible for it to be done by end of day. If the kids have an upcoming school vacation... this may be a good opportunity. Also, if you have a protection order... they will name you as sole guardian until the temporary protection order hearing... that means you can legally enroll them in school in your hometown. It is very important that if you have school age children that they miss very minimal school during all of this, or he could use it against you. Once in your hometown, you can get a job to give you money. It will be hard, but your family will be there. Just give them a chance. Do your planning first and let them know of your plan, so that they know your sincerity. Good luck!

[star3114]

Also, protection order has to be served on him before it is official. But they could serve him at work... or if he comes to see you... they can serve him then. :O)

[NowWhat]

I would venture to say that you can't get arrested for kidnapping your children. Since there is no custody order in place - you can leave with your children. Just as he could right now if he wanted. He throws that out there to scare you and to keep you where he thinks you should be. It is an empty threat.

You would be surprised what you can do when you are against the wall. You have to decide what is important - the safety and well being for your children or money. Yes he may provide a roof over your head, but you can do that on your own. Seek out an attorney. Most will give free consults, so you can get some questions answered.
Then check with legal aid and see if you qualify since you are unemployed. You may have to wait - because they are typically backed up - but you could qualify for free legal services. Check it out, get informed on what you can do next.

Don't be a victim - take control of your life and do what is best for you and your kids.

[talaniman]

See the health, and human resources, in your area for advise, and aid in the process of getting him out of your life, and get the services you need from a lawyer to a doctor to a counselor.

[pasiria]

Call the police next time he hits him with a belt. Defend your children or they might end up hating you for not doing so. Maybe, they will not hate you if they are smart enough to know you were a victim too. Leave him. If you really love your son, show him. I hated my dad for hitting me so hard with a belt. My reaction was to put my hand and it was imprinted sometimes with the buckle. Your children will have permanent scars in his hearts if you don't help them. My sister went through your same situation. The first time she asked for help, she went back to her abusive husband. We all got mad and told her there was not a second chance. A year later she asked for a second chance and said that only time could prove to us that she was serious. (she was) We all helped her because we love her. Ask your family for a second opportunity and assure them that this time you will not make the same mistake. Pray that they can help until you get back on your feet. You can not permit abuse, that only makes you an accomplice according to child protective service-failure to report can hold you liable. Fight for your kids. A mothers responsibility is to keep them save. They don't have to live in terror of being hit, besides-that's humiliating and degrading to a human being. Children are people with all the emotions of an adult. Protect them please.

[simoneaugie]

This man is abusing you and your children. Additionally he is successfully scaring you into doing just what he wants. He is someone to get away from, no matter what the cost. He is an abuser. Do not be a victim. Protect your children from growing up under his influence.

[pasiria]

According to the book The Emotionally Abuse Women by Beverly Engel---A silent partner is a parent who stands and does nothing while the other parent sexually, physically, (your case) or emotionally abuses their child. The phrase can also apply to a parent who doesn't attempt to stop the abusive parent from continuing the abusive behavior, no matter what it takes! You are leaving no option but to incorporate your son's stepfather's cruelty as role model. In this book I found out that failure to protect your children makes you an accomplice. You might want to consider buying this book at any local bookstore, if they don't have it, most order it at no cost. It's worth the 13.50.

[N0help4u]

I can understand parents not wanting to help because I have seen parents and family going to all the time, money and trouble to get a loved one out of an abusive relationship only for them to turn around and undo everything they do by going back into the situation. Then often times the victim turns on the one that rescued them and takes the abusers 'side'.
They feel like you WILL just do it again.
You need to make a plan and make sure it is going to all fall into place. You don't want your husband to catch on and bully you future for it.
If you can't find a way to get him out then you need to find a shelter for abused woman and take your kids and go there.

If your 5 year old goes to school with bruises they CAN call Child Protective Services and they will come and take all your kids and say you were not protecting them from abuse.
If he is beating on you while you are pregnant your baby could be born with birth defects.
You need to put your kids safety first!

You need to get him for abuse and get a protective order.

[noe1]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years in July. We just had an all out brawl tonight. We pretty much started fighting about nothing like always and then it blew up like it always does. Anyways we have two kids together and I have one son from a previous relationship. I'm also pregnant. When I was pregnant with my last child, which I just had her in Nov., we decided that I would be a stay at home mom. Also all of his money that he gets from his job goes to his own bank account and the only money that I get is from my child support from my oldest child which isn't enough to make it on my own with three kids and being pregnant. We just don't get along anymore we fight all the time. I need to get away and my family lives in Iowa and I live in NC but they won't help me anymore because I tried to leave him last year and that only lasted a month and they helped me and they weren't too happy that I went back to him. Now he is threatening me that if I leave the state that he will get me arrested and take the kids like I'm kidnapping them. So it's like I'm stuck and he won't get out of the house even though his parents live right here and he actually has somewhere else to go and I don't I'm stuck here with him. Also, he spanks my oldest with a belt. I'm not against spanking like a little swat on the butt with pants on but nothing too hard but he is all into spanking with a belt. What should I do and I'm scared when he will start with my second child he keeps saying he's not old enough yet but I'm scared for the day when he actually is or when my daughter will be. I got spanked with a belt when I was little and I promised myself that I would never do that to my kids. I need help any suggestions would help!!
shelly

That's really sad that you can't get out whee do you live

[annsumm]

I live in the UK and so do not know the laws in the US but I do know that what you are going through sounds like abuse. No child should be spanked with a belt. You owe to yourself and your kids to get out. Go to friends, plead with your relatives. Don't wait any longer. Call the police if you have to.

[mafiaangel180]

I can tell you from first hand experience as a child of a silent parent. GET OUT NOW! I can pretty much bank on the fact that your kids want to leave just as much as you do. As their parent, you are their voice. So take them and get the heck out of Dodge. But before you do, talk to people about getting legal, medical, and mental help, as Tal suggested.

[N0help4u]

If you don't leave your kids WILL resent you when they are older.
I am willing to bet he is making excuses to beat them over little things that don't even deserve punishment. The younger child not being old enough to be beaten sort of tells me
He realizes there are other ways to discipline but he WANTS to beat them as some sort of power thing.

[zcatchick]

I don't know if you could actually be arrested, But it's easy to file for temporary custody to cover your backside. Yes, document everything in a journel. Only you can decide whether he is actually 'abusing' your son. I agree that it needs to stop, but remember that we have to live with everything we do. I'm not living that, but look for family shelters in the area if you deem that it's really abuse, and file a restraining order. I stayed in a shelter before and it wasn't that bad. The other moms understood me there. I felt good.

Definitely get all your information before telling your family your plans, and visiting is a great idea. I'm living with constant lies, broken promises, disrespect and pure pain, but if my husband ever came close to my daughter with a belt, I would have already dialed 911, and hit send behind my back! Previous answers are correct about 1 thing-it's not 'accomplise' but you can get in real trouble for not reporting child abuse.

PS:for your sake, if the belt thing is your justification for leaveing, great. But if it's not really CHILD ABUSE, don't say it is. Your husband will carry that label for the rest of his life, and if it isn't true, you'll carry the guilt. Stay safe, and be wise. Staying away can also make a man realize that something needs to change. (and maybe get rid of all the belts in the house, and tell hubby to use his own hand instead)

[JudyKayTee]

This thread is from 2008 -

I also disagree that the husband should use his hand instead of a belt to punish the child. If the father is abusive the hand is just as abusive as a belt.