[MarleneD]

I submitted it in wrong topic first, I am sos sorry! It will not be repeted.

I have a problem, that I know I simply should drop, but it hurts me a lot that I could have made such a bad thing to someone. I really need to know, if there is some chance for this man to ever forgive me.

My first relationship I was forbidden, and I had it with my lecturer second year at university.
I was very conservative, virgin (which I technically remained, but not really) and after his flirting during the lectures, I really fell in love with him.

As fast as the course ended, he started to invite me out, I though we were going to have a relationship, "I would never have anything serious with you HAHAHA not a chance!", so we only had an affair (he is this type of guy) we continued meeting a while, then stopped, he humiliated me a very lot as a student (about how bad I was, and started to interfer with my other courses), I lost motivation, then I got another boyfriend, he started writing to me again, I started to panique, the teacher also harassed a female student sexually, I got even more hurt by that (I always though he had bad conscience because of me, but apparently not), etc-etc, well this guy was not the kind of lecturer one should have.

I got into a very deep panique when I had my boyfriend in Canada, and this man wanted to meet me again, he liked me, and suddenly got serious. I really felt so tempted, that I could not think of anything than this problem, who should I chose? I knew the asnwer-- the "good" boy, and not hurt him, but the panique did that I needed to talk to someone. I haven't passed a single course on the department since I had an affair with him, and everything was going to hell. For this we have certain persons to talk to at the faculty, in case any student just needs to talk...

This person unfortunately called the chairman of the department, I was called in to confirm, they were completely shocked, and told my ex and exlecturer, to never again have affairs with students due to ethics. They also told him never again to contact me.

I suffer so much... I know he was very mean, but I didn't want to sell him this way.
I know he abused his academical position, but still, now when he sees me, instead of smiling and waving, he turns away, takes circles just to avoid me. I have really betrayed him. And since he has no right to contact me, this I guess, also goes the other way around.

And I miss him so, so much...

Is there some way for me to do, so that he instead of hating me, simply somehow could forgive me for this? I cannot contact him... I really didn't want this conflict...

[kp2171]

*edited. More added in*

Why seek his forgiveness? Betrayal? How about calling it "truth"? What about calling him what he is... which is NOT a victim. He was predatory in targeting you. He played you. He knew how this would be deemed as inappropriate, or at the very least, walking the edge of approprite.

You are completely thinking wrong.

OK... you loved him, or you lusted, or whatever. You were smitten, manipulated, whatever.

You are still emotionally tied to a person who has no business being with you. It isn't love, it is unhealthy.

Expect and demand more for yourself.

You didn't "do" this to him... he chose it, and you made a bad choice, then told the truth.

He should avoid you. You should not seek out a smile from him.

You are going to have to work this out of your system, or talk to someone who can help you. People make bad choices, especially when younger or inexperienced. Been there, done that.

But you need to make sure you don't become a victim again... especially by choice. I've cared for, and even loved, a few women I couldn't be with due to circumstances, timing, etc. it happens. You walk away when it's the right thing to do. I know one woman who has spent years and years of her adult life as a "victim" of others, when really, she's mostly a victim of her bad choices, over and over.

You need to make sure you can do that (recognize when to walk, and then do it), and your seeking his approval or forgiveness still makes me wonder if you are OK to do that.

[abbysgirl]

You deserve better he abused his power he would have continued to play games He needed to be told he can not get involved and prey on vunerable people you did thr right thing by protecting yourself and others from a man like this he is a player

[ordinaryguy]

I don't think anyone's really the victim here, but if I did, it wouldn't be him. Get over your guilt about ratting him out. He needed it, or more to the point, his future students needed it. Let it go and take a lesson. Don't get sexually involved in unequal relationships.

[Wondergirl]

As a teacher, he was not to be involved with a student. He disobeyed that. He was wrong. In fact, I am surprised he was not dismissed from his job.

You have nothing to forgive him for. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Like kp said, you made a bad choice. Learn from that and have a good life from here on.

[kp2171]

I'm not saying it was right, but her being through the course makes a slight difference in perception... I agree... she was pursued, set up, manipulated, etc... and he put the dept in a bad spot... but dating a person who is no longer under your direct supervision can be interpreted differently... just as dating someone you work with, or under...

It is a really thin line... and he's lucky he still has a job.

I clarify because I actually dated a student once... she was 24, I was 28. She wasn't under my supervision or in my class. She was a returning student going for a doctoral degree. We met through a class she was in, that I would help with from time to time, but didn't teach, and later on we struck up a friendship, which later became a dating relationship for a time. This situation was known in the department, but because of my position and her maturity, it wasn't seen as inappropriate by my colleagues, though some students were miffed.

Had I dated a 19 year old direct report... things would have been different in terms of dept pressure. Also, a line was blurred a bit, because id been a student where I taught, and there were friends and associates in classes I taught that first year. Nothing like telling a friend they failed my class, but id buy them a beer.

[Homegirl 50]

You did not betray him, he abused you. He over stepped the boundaries of student and teacher and you were probably not the first. So if he is pissed at you, so what, he got what he had coming and got off pretty easily.
Stop with the guilt. Look at this as a lesson learned, don't let anyone else abuse you that way again and move on

[MarleneD]

(He was twice my age... )

[JL FANATIC]

... Move on, college is more important than anything. It sounds like you want to be a failure in school while trying to succeed in getting his favor back, that is not a good move. If he is married leave him alone what goes around comes around.

[Homegirl 50]

(He was twice my age...)

Then he ought to be twice shamed and you should be twice as glad this clown is out of your life.
Time to get off the guilt trip.

[talaniman]

You both have made bad choices, and you both have paid the price. Do as your told, and leave him alone, and I hope you have learned a very good lesson. Get your education, and leave everything else alone.

[MarleneD]

Well, I have left him alone and would never bother him after what I did... it was actually him who was not allowed to contact me anymore. (The department wanted to protect me from him.) He isn't married. I would never enter a relationship with a man that already has some other woman in his life (this test I have already passed earlier), due to I would rather hurt myself than hurt the other woman.

The reason why I fell in love with him from the beginning, was his loneliness and that he had something depressive upon his character. The worst thing I know in life, is to hurt other people, and this is the reason why I suffer so now. It's not about learning lessons...
It's the fact that an already hurt soul, has got betrayed, more hurt... And it is all my fault. When it comes to cases that do not involve myself, I believe in justice (sometimes mercy). When it comes to me, I believe in forgiveness... And I screwed up so much for him by talking to this third person at the department, while I still liked him.

[talaniman]

Stop guilt tripping, as you are young and naïve, and fell for someone that should have known better. Remember, he has a dubious past of sexual harassment, and you probably aren't his first. And you are wrong, this IS about life lessons, as next time to let your heart blind you, and lead you down a path like this again, you will think about it, before you let yourself be duped, as he was out of bounds, and you were, young, and impressionable. Learn your lesson, and get over yourself. You have an education to get. You have a life to build, and hopefully, he will not prey on other young girls. You will heal in time, and if you need help, get it. Don't beat yourself up, he already has. Sometimes those intense feelings we have, need to be tempered by a lot of thought, before we act on them, that's the lesson you should always remember. Love yourself enough, to forgive yourself

[ordinaryguy]

The reason why I fell in love with him from the beginning, was his loneliness and that he had something depressive upon his character.

This was part of his act, and you fell for it.

The worst thing I know in life, is to hurt other people, and this is the reason why I suffer so now.

Using other people is worse than hurting other people. Being hurt is a response that may or may not be chosen. Quite often it is chosen in order to induce guilt in someone else. In this instance, he's done it to you and you've accepted it.

It's not about learning lessons...

If you really believe this, you have many hard lessons yet to learn.

It's the fact that an already hurt soul, has got betrayed, more hurt... And it is all my fault.

Get off the guilt train, already. It's self-destructive and unbecoming.

[kp2171]

He still made a dumb choice, and you are working really hard to own the guilt and make excuses.

Its done and over. You didn't do anything to him. You didn't make him depressed before you engaged in a relationship. And as for talking to the dept... honesty, is probably better it happened before he made some really big mistakes such as getting a student pregnant.

You feel bad. OK. You feel like some of its your fault. OK. You chose a relationship you shouldn't have... doesn't matter if you are young or inexperienced, it was a bad choice. OK.

But until you stop worrying about what you've "done to him"... you haven't learned half of what you need to have learned from this experience.

So... time to understand there was a number of mistakes made, and to not make these mistakes again. And time to stop feeling like you just made his life worse. I'm guessing he's made a laundry list of bad choices along the way. Even if he didn't, even if he's just a victim of bad luck, at some point you choose to stand tall or continue being a victim. Lord knows if I held onto all the emotional baggage from people who wronged me, or baggage from people I had wronged, id be frozen in place. You just got to let something go.

You can't choose for him. You can choose for you.

[Homegirl 50]

This guy is a pro. He knew exactly what to do to suck you in and he still has a hold on you. You are not the first young lady he has preyed on and you probably won't be the last.
He knew what he was doing, knew it was wrong, knew he was abusing your naïveté and didn't care.
Your guilt is unnecessary.

[talaniman]

More than likely, he is mad because he got caught.

[MarleneD]

OK, I will let this go, it's the easiest way, you are right...

But now this has turned into another problem! A great scientist from abroad wants to visit me and discuss a future research project, and I would really like to introduce him to my department... but I am so afraid, that this Teacher or his closest colleague will contact him (since he unfortunately is organizing all colloquiums, and is exchange student coordinator) and say something nasty about me. Should I still introduce this researcher to my department and give his name in advance, so they can use the opportunity to invite him for a guest lecture? Or is this too dangerous? (They both come from the same town abroad... )

[kp2171]

You can't control others, just give them the chance to do the right thing.

Proceed as you would without regard to all the past noise. If he tries to cause problems... again, you simply can't live your life in fear of other people who may not be on your side. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be. See how things fall.

[O_Troubles]

He used his power of athurity to get with you he was rude border line abusive, interferd with other cources and school work, humiliated you and your sorry? I'm soory I don't get it. I'm assuming he was a jerk teacher who did this often he found students and prayed on them made then think they would have a real relationship instead he had affairs with then and humiliated then in class so they would know there place, interfered in girls buesness even though it was an affir and he should have stuck to just wanting to know there name and how far they would go ! You put him in his place what he did was wrong what you did was text book ight you told him to back off and what he was doing was wrong. Do you know that its OK what you did was OK, and that it took guts to do it?all I have to say is get over it now ignore him. He's wrong and rude and demeaning. Go ind a real person that's willing to accept your conserviive ways and treat you like the women you are not a play thing.