[ordinaryguy]

It is amazing how changing perspective and the way I do things that makes so much of a difference. I cannot believe that I was wasting so much energy to this kind of worrying. I can't believe that it was so easy!!!!

"I think she's got it!"
"By GEORGE, she's got it!!"

[Mom of 2]

I also wanted to let everyone know that I was introduced to my guy's fishing buddy over the weekend. After shopping for a new car for him and after picking out new bedroom furniture for his son, we drove way out of our way (about 40 minutes) to this guy's house because "I want you to meet _____ and I want him to finally meet you." I take it as a really good sign and a step in the positive direction that he sees a future for our relationship. He has also made a statement that once his folks get in from Florida in May that I would be meeting them around that time. I believe that this is a precursor to us meeting each other's kids. Again, I am excited and scared at the same time. I am trying to take things one day at a time, but it is sometimes real hard not to try and think about the future and what it will hold. I think about the future with excitement and not fear. Whatever will happen will happen.

[Mom of 2]

Thanks, ordinaryguy, for the compliment!! I think I always knew that I should be doing this, but it is so easy sometimes to fall into the "what ifs" because I so much want to know what the future holds. I am so excited about this relationship that I cannot wait to see what it holds for us. Last weekend was such a good weekend, even though it was rather short. It just seemed that we were doing REAL couple things and it really felt great. It is quite apparent that he is talking about me to all of his closest friends because of what his one buddy said to me, "You do exist after all. We have been thinking that you were a figment of his imagination and were wondering when we were going to meet you."

Now what I am finding is that I am doing an awful lot of is daydreaming. Hey, at least it is not worrying!! I just wonder what he is doing while I am doing the laundry, making the beds, grocery shopping, etc. People at work claim that I have recently gone to the planet Mars because I seem to drift off from time to time. I still get my work done, but sometimes when a co-worker is asking my opinion of something, I have to ask them to repeat something, which I never had to do before.

Guess what?? Tonight he did not call. And guess what?? I did not worry!! I know that he is off work because his kids are on spring break and something probably just came up, etc. Just 2 to 3 weeks ago (heck, even 1 week ago!! ), I would probably have felt that he had forgotten about me and that he did not like me anymore. And further guess what?? I did not text him or try calling him to see what was up. I know that I will hear from him tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then the next day, etc. I think that because of what occurred this past weekend, it created a real "aha!!" moment for me. What a difference though!! Sometimes a girl just needs to be shown a certain sign, and I believe that I was shown one!!

I will continue to enjoy getting to know him and will eagerly anticipate me meeting his parents around the month of May. If it does not happen at that exact month, I will not worry (okay, maybe a little). I know that introducing someone you are dating to important family members is a stressful step for anyone to make, as I have yet to introduce him to any of my family members. One of the reasons for this is because I have not gone out on "dates" with my siblings, as the only times that I get together with them is during "family functions", which always involves all of the kids. However, I guess that I could talk to my brother and his wife who don't have kids yet about getting together with them for something. It is just weird because I have not done the "date" thing with my brother in a LOOOONNNGGG time (for about 12 years) because I usually have the kids when we get together. I have to start thinking that I need to start making steps in that direction as well. I only know his two brothers because I met them (and know one of them rather well) before I was ever introduced to him. So, to me, this does not really count because "he" did not "introduce me". However, we have done things together with them, which maybe could be considered the same thing as a form of introduction.

Well, this post ended up being A LOT longer than I anticipated. So, I will end it here. Any comments/suggestions, as always, are welcome.

Thanks!!

[talaniman]

Thanks Mom, you have made my day start on a happy, hopeful note, and I appreciate it.

[Mom of 2]

Talaniman, you are welcome. I am so happy that I am in a more positive spot about this and so many things in my life.

In addition to this, I just got back from the accountant and found out that I am getting a refund this year. Yippeee!! Last year I had to pay. I know, this is so off the subject! My guy called while I was in my accountant's office to make sure that I was feeling better, since I had the flu on Tuesday and Wednesday. I told him that I had to call him back. When I did, I was so excited to tell him about the refund because he knew that I had to pay last year. It is so great to be able to tell someone (other than my siblings and mom) good news, because my kids just don't understand some things. This is one of the things that I love being in a relationship for! He had me laughing all the way home with some of the things that he was telling me and the banter back and forth was just great. It really is the little things that make a relationship so worth while. I can't wait to see him again!! He is such a great guy.

Thanks again to all of you for your encouragement. I promise that I won't worry as much about the what ifs. I can't promise that I won't from time to time, but at least I won't allow it to paralyze me!!

[Mom of 2]

I just got off the phone with "C" (I hate saying "my guy" or other phrases) for the second time today and things appear to be moving along quite nicely (he called me twice). He told me that he was hanging out today with the friend that he introduced me to last weekend, in addition to another one of his buddies, and they were talking about the fact that I really do exist. He said that I would be meeting this friend soon as well.

He then was talking about what vacation schedules (mine with my kids, etc.) and it sounds as though he is trying to line everything up during the summer to match up our schedules, etc. He kept saying that summer was going to be here before we knew it.

I am now more at ease and less worried about whether he likes me, because now I know that he does, otherwise he would not be calling me almost everyday (sometimes twice a day) and asking me about my schedule for this week as well as my plans for the summer, etc.

Now that I have gotten over that mole hill (although I thought it was a mountain for a period of time), any suggestions about how to introduce each other to eachother's family? Not just the kids, but I am saying about the adults first and then the children. Can anyone give me advice as to the things that I need to consider, things that have worked for you when it comes to blending families? No - I am not thinking or talking about marriage at this time, just introductions as it relates to bringing the kids together, and other adult family members together, etc. I am pretty confident that things will work out well, but I am always interested and open to any suggestions that anyone would like to make on this subject. Not only for me but for others who may be reading this thread.

[founande]

Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.

I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.

Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?

You have been divorce for about one year and four months. Now, I do not have children, and nor will I ever know what you have been through in your past relationship with the father of you children. What I can do, is communicate with you from a daughter’s point of view. My father and mother split up when I was two; I do not know my mother only my father. Because my parents got divorce, things completely changed. Although my father remarried, life for my brother and I will never be the same. My father may not realize it, but their divorce has affected my brother and I more than it may have affected him. We may have a close family, but the truth is, their will always be a gap. To feel and know that someone missing in our lives or the woman that we call mom is not our mother and she who has brought our father happiness is not our mother are thoughts and hurts that will hunt my brother and I forever. It does not sound like you are trying to replace you children father (that is good) but even if they saw their father daily, something will always be miss. What I am getting from your words is that you are going through an emotional phase (which is normal) and need a little bit of adventure; you want to be love as if it is you first love. You want to be hold, comfort you, and told that all will be okay when you are scared. The fact that you both are divorce with children is a good thing, but three months into a relationship does not provide you with enough information to think “love”. You do not want to be hurt again, take your time in really get to know him and the type of person he really is. Remember, you did thought your X was the right one but turned out not to be, try not to make that mistake twice. Observe him carefully, and keep in mind that any decision you make now will affect you and your beautiful children afterward. After all, coming from a divorce marriage you can never be too curious about the next man in your life. You are able to tell that you are going through an emotional phase when you are thinking about speeding things up but have not thought about meeting or getting to know his children. It is the same thing oppositely. Take your time, you will definitely know when the time is right.

[founande]

Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.

I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.

Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?

You have been divorce for about one year and four months. Now, I do not have children, and nor will I ever know what you have been through in your past relationship with the father of you children. What I can do, is communicate with you from a daughter’s point of view. My father and mother split up when I was two; I do not know my mother only my father. Because my parents got divorce, things completely changed. Although my father remarried, life for my brother and I will never be the same. My father may not realize it, but their divorce has affected my brother and I more than it may have affected him. We may have a close family, but the truth is, their will always be a gap. To feel and know that someone missing in our lives or the woman that we call mom is not our mother and she who has brought our father happiness is not our mother are thoughts and hurts that will hunt my brother and I forever. It does not sound like you are trying to replace you children father (that is good) but even if they saw their father daily, something will always be miss. What I am getting from your words is that you are going through an emotional phase (which is normal) and need a little bit of adventure; you want to be love as if it is you first love. You want to be hold, comfort you, and told that all will be okay when you are scared. The fact that you both are divorce with children is a good thing, but three months into a relationship does not provide you with enough information to think “love”. You do not want to be hurt again, take your time in really get to know him and the type of person he really is. Remember, you did thought your X was the right one but turned out not to be, try not to make that mistake twice. Observe him carefully, and keep in mind that any decision you make now will affect you and your beautiful children afterward. After all, coming from a divorce marriage you can never be too curious about the next man in your life. You are able to tell that you are going through an emotional phase when you are thinking about speeding things up but have not thought about meeting or getting to know his children. It is the same thing oppositely. Take your time, you will definitely know when the time is right.
P.S. sorry to my life into you answer. I am trying to make you think before any action can be taken. Thank and I hope every thing works out for you.

[talaniman]

I have to agree somewhat, with the previous poster, as I think while the adults make plans, you have to always prepare the kids for any changes to their lives, and talking to them to get their feelings on some strangers intruding on their lives, is mandatory, given they went through a divorce, and had no say in it. I think talking and asking them how they feel about you dating, can be telling and help you decide how to proceed. I hope you can temper those intense emotions, and enthusiasm, with some pragmatic thoughts, that lead to some very thought out actions. Just a subject for you and him to discuss, with your kids.

[Mom of 2]

I totally agree with the last two posts, as this is the very reason that I had posed the question to begin with. I like to hear what other people feel about this subject (and others). After re-reading my posts, it does sound like I want to speed things along and jump headlong into marriage again, but I really don't. I have a tendency to think a lot (sometimes over think) about what my next steps are before moving forward, as I don't like to make mistakes, especially where kids are concerned. It is great to hear from a young person who is actually a child of divorce (not that you are necessarily a child now) and how these relationships have an effect on the children. You provided a lot of food for thought, as I don't want to make a mistake with my children or with his children.

I like the pace that this relationship is now taking. However, from the discussions that "C" and I have had together, it sounds like introducing the children will be here before we know it. Maybe by the time it actually gets here, it will be a year, which I have heard is about the right time to introduce kids into a relationship. I just want to do it in the right way, at the right time, etc.

My kids know that I am dating someone and they (especially my son) have been asking me questions and want to meet him. I have told my kids that this person is very special and someone who I have fun with. My son is a little confused because I have a lot of friends through work, etc. that they know and interact with (both men and women) and he does not understand why he has not met this one particular person yet. I get together a lot, especially over the summer, with these people because we have a common link with our children and we have a lot of fun together, but they are just friends. I think this is what is making me think more and more about this, the fact that my kids want to meet the guy I am seeing. I want to be able to give my kids what they want by introducing them, but at the same time, I want to do it in the right way and at the right time. I AM excited about this new relationship. My son is not very close to his dad and I have a sense that he kind of wants to replace him, which is sad. He has told me out and out that if he had his way, he would not want to spend any time with his dad. I continue to try and foster his relationship with his dad by saying that he needs to know his dad and that when he is an adult, he can make his own decisions on what he wants to do and who he wants in his life. I also explained that even when I was a child, my parents made me do things that I did not understand as a child, but as I grew, I began to understand and appreciate the reasons and was thankful to my parents for making me do things that I did not want to do while I was younger. My son is VERY close to me and I know that he only wants to see me happy, as he has seen me go through hell with his dad.

Not that I am NOT concerned about MY kids, but I am more concerned about "C's" kids. I want them to like me and not be angry at me for the mere fact that I am dating their dad. From what I have learned from "C", he says that they are not particularly close to their mother due to some decisions that she has made and some things that she has said to them. In fact, his ex is seriously considering moving to a different state, which would mean that she would not be seeing the kids as much (he has residential custody of his kids and they live with him 90% of the time). I know that they are going through a lot because of this and I certainly don't want to add to this.

Anyway, any thoughts about this would be greatly appreciated.

[Mom of 2]

Here is an update.

I had a great weekend with "C". The day before we got together this weekend, he asked me on the phone if I could help him in rearranging some furniture in his basement. I made a couple of suggestions on how to turn the furniture and that he might want to get a new couch, etc. He liked my ideas. Then he wanted me to look at the rest of the rooms and do those as well. We went to the store and picked out some things to add to his family room and made a few changes there. I am excited about this, as I feel that he really values my opinions and I view it as a REAL positive step in our relationship.

He called me on Sunday night a few hours after his kids got home to let me know that his kids really liked the changes that were made. That made me feel really good because I was nervous about how they would feel about that.

We also talked about our feelings for each other and how we both don't want to get hurt again, and that we don't want our kids to get hurt as well. Although we did not specifically set a date about introducing the kids, we briefly mentioned that this would happen sometime in the future.

Again, I like what is happening in the relationship and I am trying to take it as it comes.

[jrebel7]

Here is an update.

I had a great weekend with "C". The day before we got together this weekend, he asked me on the phone if I could help him in rearranging some furniture in his basement. I made a couple of suggestions on how to turn the furniture and that he might want to get a new couch, etc. He liked my ideas. Then he wanted me to look at the rest of the rooms and do those as well. We went to the store and picked out some things to add to his family room and made a few changes there. I am excited about this, as I feel that he really values my opinions and I view it as a REAL positive step in our relationship.

He called me on Sunday night a few hours after his kids got home to let me know that his kids really liked the changes that were made. That made me feel really good because I was nervous about how they would feel about that.

We also talked about our feelings for each other and how we both don't want to get hurt again, and that we don't want our kids to get hurt as well. Although we did not specifically set a date about introducing the kids, we briefly mentioned that this would happen sometime in the future.

Again, I like what is happening in the relationship and I am trying to take it as it comes.

Hi there! You both sound like you are thinking things through and being considerate of not only one another but of your children. It has been refreshing to read how much thought each of you are putting in to the relationship. I am assuming he told his children that you helped in the rearranging of furniture and by so doing, introduced the kids in a subtle way to the idea of you being in the home and a part of their dads life. Is this correct? You sound happy and settled down a bit from your first posts. I am so happy for you.

[Mom of 2]

Jrebel7 - I don't know if he mentioned that anyone, me specifically, helped him or what. At this point, that is really not that important to me. I am just flattered that he values my opinions and wants me to have a lasting impact on his and his childrens' home. I mean, why would you ask someone to help you decorate if you did not have any serious thoughts about the relationship? Nothing is written in stone, but to ask someone to help in decorating kind of puts a stamp on the relationship, as you will constantly have reminders of that person while looking around the place. I am just viewing this as a positive step in our relationship - a stepping stone you might say. Their home is beautiful in its own right, but you can tell that a man lives there and not a woman. Maybe telling me that his kids liked the changes is his way of stroking my ego, by saying that what I am doing is working for him and ultimately his children.

[jrebel7]

I was just curious. I was not meaning to offend you. I apologize. I was just thinking if that is what he did, it was a very inventive way of slowly introducing the thought of having a new person in their lives. He sounds like someone who would think things through that thoroughly It is as you say, it was a compliment to you either way. I agree with you that he does value your opinion.

[Mom of 2]

Jrebel7 - There is nothing to apologize for, as I did not take your statement as being offensive at all! All that I was saying is that he may have, but I don't know for sure. I am not quite sure what exactly he says to his kids, and I don't want to question him on everything that he does and says (although sometimes I REALLY want to know! ). I know that he has told them that he is starting to have his own life again, but again, I don't know what he has talked to them about exactly.

In a way, I DO think that this was his way of VERY SLOWLY introducing the thought of change and progression in all of their lives. He is definitely someone who thinks thoroughly about things. When it comes to the children, you can't think too much.

[talaniman]

I mean, why would you ask someone to help you decorate if you did not have any serious thoughts about the relationship? Nothing is written in stone, but to ask someone to help in decorating kind of puts a stamp on the relationship, as you will constantly have reminders of that person while looking around the place. I am just viewing this as a positive step in our relationship - a stepping stone you might say.

Sure make me the bad guy! I just caution you to not put a lot of stock, in the motivation of others. Take it for what it is, just giving a guy a helping hand. Darn, don't mean to rain on the parade, but we can make more of things just by assuming, and get very carried away. I am glad your doing little things together, now that's a positive. Shoot me I deserve it!

[Mom of 2]

I understand what you are saying and I have to agree with it to an extent. Maybe you're right in that he just simply wants help, but I don't think that this is his ONLY motivation. I am having fun with it anyway, as I love decorating.

When I went back and re-read what I wrote about "putting a stamp on the relationship", it sounds like I think this is a done deal and that we will be together forever. I didn't mean for it to come out that way. What I have found so far is that he is not necessarily a man of many words, but he is a man of actions. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do think that our relationship is progressing in a very positive direction.

[Mom of 2]

When we are together next weekend, I have decided that I want to tell him how I feel about him.

So far, this is what I have been thinking:
"C, I want to tell you something. You have become a very special person in my life and I am having a great time getting to know you. I love spending time with you, laughing with you, holding your hand, cuddling while watching a movie and just being with you. I feel like I can be myself around you and I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not. I don't know what the future holds, but I like what we have right now."

Any suggestions that you want to make are always welcome.

[Mom of 2]

I just got home from work a couple of hours ago. I had a phone conversation with "C" while I was at work. He told me that his ex did it to him again. She was supposed to pick up the kids on Friday and then return them on Sunday. However, she has to work on Friday and Saturday. Instead, she wants to pick them up on Sunday and keep them through Monday night. She said that she could pick them up on Friday and have them until Sunday afternoon, but they would have to come to work with her, which would mean that they would miss their baseball and softball games that they had scheduled on Saturday. As I thought that he was trying to tell me that we would not be able to see each other this weekend, I told him that even though I was disappointed that we could not see each other this weekend, I understood. After I finished that sentence he said, "Hold on, we are not going to miss this weekend totally. I told (daughter's name) that she just has to stay home instead of going out with her friends on Friday because she had to babysit (her brother). We are going out on Friday." His daughter is old enough to babysit (she is 16), so I know that this would be okay. However, why do I feel bad about this? I really want to see him, I can't wait to see him. I DO feel flattered that he has a plan that will still allow us to do something on Friday, but I still feel bad for his kids in a way. Why am I feeling this way? This is a good plan because this will still allow us to see each other and still allow his kids to make it to their games on Saturday afternoon. Is he doing the right thing? Should I tell him that we should just cancel our plans? Part of me says that we should cancel our plans, while part of me says that his kids are old enough to do this and that he is showing that he is taking charge of his life and not allowing his ex to dictate what he can and cannot do because of her change in plans. Oh what to do??

[ordinaryguy]

Let him decide how to handle his ex and his kids and if he's able to work it out so you can still see each other, enjoy it. Lighten up, already.