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concerned dad · Jan 24, 2006, 05:18 PM

Daughter is 20, in the Navy, pregnant, and single. Baby's father is in the marines with three more years to serve. My daughter may/may not separate from the Navy after baby is born. She and baby's father are not together nor care to be. If she separates from the Navy, she would like to return to her home state of Penna and live with us to raise her baby. Baby's father is from Oregon. Also, she plans to work so she can go to nursing school. Her mom and I would help care for our grandchild while she works. Daughter's concern is that the father says he would like to be involved in the baby's life while he is stationed in Ca. He goes on deployment for 6 mos+ and usually returns for a year - with this cycle repeating itself until his tenure is up. And he may get stationed somewhere other than Ca. Also, sad to say his lifestyle has been alcohol oriented, wild and undependable according to my daughter. Reasons they are no longer seeing each other. She has been hurt too much. So many questions for her - but here is one to start: should she stay in Ca so the baby's father can see the baby when/if he is in port - if he really is going to follow through? She would love to come home to give her baby a more stable environment without having all the financial worries and day care problems. Also, she is concerned about him filing custody down the road if she leaves Ca.

mr.yet · Jan 24, 2006, 05:25 PM

It seem your daughter will have to answer this question herself. What does she want to do? Does she want a stable home to live in for her and the child? Some soul seraching will have to be done here. Me personal I would want a stable home for the child. If the father really wants to see the child he will make arrangement to do so. Just my opinion.

concerned dad · Jan 24, 2006, 05:36 PM

Your words to start your post were exactly what I told her, but she asked me if I could talk to others to get opinions as her friends out there who know the baby's father keep telling her to stay because of him. She feels so overwhelmed and confused. Her mother and I, of course, feel that the baby needs a stable environment to start life and our daughter can then look at other options down the road. I liked what you said about the father taking the initiative to get involved if he really wants to then.

lilfyre · Jan 24, 2006, 05:38 PM

Can I just second, the first answer, she has to decide for herself, yes it would be nice and it would be better for her to be close to her home. But this is something that she will have to make her mind up on. The most you can do is to try to guide her, and support her while making up her mind. (O:

Fr_Chuck · Jan 24, 2006, 05:42 PM

First she should sue for custody and child support NOW, not latter after she see's what she is going to do.

Then she should do what she thinks is best. If he wants to see the baby, arrangements can be made.

giggles · Jan 24, 2006, 05:44 PM

Hi, here's my tuppence, though note I am not a parent myself.
Your daughter's wellbeing is the number one priority here. She should aim to make her life as comfortable as possible so that the birth of her child, and her adaptation to motherhood is as uncomplicated as can be. If she has been hurt a lot, as you say in your post, then she should maybe take as much time as she can to stabilise and strengthen herself for what lies ahead. This might mean that for her to return to Penna is a good option - she has emotional support/physical support and all that goes with it.
If her only reason for remaining in Ca is to keep the door of contact open for the father of this child, is she not setting herself up for heartbreak? You don't say what the current relationship between the two parents is, whether they have an amicable, workable friendship or whether the relationship is fragmented due to his behavioural problems. Either way, if the father has not dealt with his own irresponsibilities, your daughter should be mentally prepared for the idea that this behaviour WILL spill over in relation to his child also. If a man cannot look after himself properly, he can hardly be expected to be a great role model, and she cannot expect to rely on him too much.
In terms of support, what has he got to offer? Is he going to help out with childcare for his year while on leave so she can pursue her dream of nursing school? Will he want to live with them? To be honest, it sounds like too much of a hassle and a worry for your daughter to take on board. Her child is going to be her number one. She doesn't need to babysit anyone else, which is what might transpire if she is crutching someone along who has alcohol problems.
Whatever she chooses, she should ensure the father is aware that she is making her decisions for the welfare of herself and her child, and nothing more. She cannot factor him into the equation unless he proves he has something valid to offer other than biology. She will have enough to deal with as it is. I don't know about custody law in the US so can't comment on that.
Personally, I hope she takes the time to rest with family and adjust to her new life. She might find it difficult to be back in the family home, or she might find it a great support. She is lucky to have the option. This man sounds like bad news. It's a big demand to expect her to stay the other side of the country and turn down all the help she can get unless he is willing to offer that help. He's also expecting her to put her life on hold in terms of her financial future security. And one more point: if the relationship between them is not so great, she won't have that emotional support that is so important to new mothers. So what can she do to ensure she has that support network in lieu of being in PennA with you guys? He cannot give her that kind of assistance, so who can? Also, she will be quite isolated with a newborn, so will she have anyone to turn to when she needs a shoulder to cry on.
I hope she can work this out for herself, and I'm happy for her to have such loving parents and grandparents to be. Perhaps she could stay with you guys until she has qualified, and then both parents could review the situation from a more secure, mature and realistic stance.
Best of luck to all of you x

concerned dad · Jan 24, 2006, 05:54 PM

For all to know - my daughter is due in May! The baby "boy" has not entered this world yet! Your responses are all so awesome with excellent insights.

concerned dad · Jan 24, 2006, 06:02 PM

My daughter just got off the base and is talking to me now on the phone. I am reading her all the responses - her computer crashed so she cannot get online! She is quite intrigued and very thankful!

lilfyre · Jan 24, 2006, 06:04 PM

Please tell her I said to be strong

concerned dad · Jan 24, 2006, 06:07 PM

Did that! She said THANKS!!

Sosdog · Jan 24, 2006, 06:52 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

First she should sue for custody and child support NOW, not latter after she see's what she is going to do.

Listen to this very sound advice. It may not seem important right now, but, this needs to be done first and foremost.

And remember, just because she does this does not mean that (anything can happen) it has to be enforced. They may get together, he may grow up, she may want to get married and have her husband adopt the child, may terminate the fathers parental rights. Anything can happen. But getting child support/paternity established FIRST is crucial.

All my best and luck

Sos

CaptainForest · Jan 24, 2006, 09:15 PM

Tell her that her friends are wrong.

Her loyalty has to be to the baby, not to the father. After the baby is born, (or before) she should move to be with you.

Will he sue for custody? He might. But instead, you go after him first. Get him declared an unfit parent if you can (all his booze drinking lifestyle might not impress a judge if he’s that bad).

But she should definitely move to PA. That would provide a stable home for the child and that is what is important right now.

talaniman · Jan 24, 2006, 10:04 PM

This is a no brainer,You didn't say how long her service is but if at all possible Mom and Dad should be with their daughter when this baby comes into the world,In California or Pa. doesn't matter,and who else should be looking after your grandson when he gets to this world?See what I mean ,no-brainer.The best senario would have her there with you while she is on maternity leave,but Uncle Sam has the say over that,When her service is up though she should be with you .If the father wants to raise hell later so what, that's what courts are for. For now just worry about taking care and doing the right thing by your daughter,and grandson!:cool:

concerned dad · Jan 25, 2006, 06:08 AM

Thanks for the input! Her mom is going to be there during the last month of pregnancy, unless our daughter separates from Navy before then. I cannot get off from work for that length of time to go out there nor will our finances allow me to. LOL I am retired (under 62) but have to work parttime to pay our health insurance. Our daughter has not decided when she wants to leave the military. It is much tougher to leave after the baby is born but she wants to try to complete two full years of her five for the GI bill. You are right about the military though.