[whatevernext_00]

I came back from my summer holiday 2007, to find a drop dead goregeous lad, working on my department at work (a clothes shop). We got chatting and I realised he had the hots for me.

about me (then): 18, studying at uni (first year), single and always have been, only kissed a lad before, nothing more, no self-confidence, no self-esteem, no desire to have a boyfriend, as I don't like commitment, and enjoy being alone, or with my family.

about him (then): 21, just left uni, looking for work until he found a job, had 1 serious relationship of 3 years, dated a few people at uni, slept with 6 people, lots of confidence, good looking.

after a while we got texting, and because I really liked him I thought why not give the whole relationship a go, after a week of going to his house I don't know why but I freaked out, and called it off. I think AS ALWAYS I just couldn't see myself in a relationship.
we carried on texting for a while as friends, but the novelty soon wore off.

After 2 months, I randomly met up with him, out in town, and we got chatting again, then we found ourselves for the first time ever working a few shifts together at work. He asked to give it another go and I don't know why but I said yes. This time we lasted 3 months.

in that 3 months I experienced a lot, I lost my virginity, I had lots of ups, but lots of downs. Towards the end of the 3 months, I realised that I could talk more to some of my closer lad mates than I could my boyfriend. They text me more asking how I was, what I had been up to and just found we had more general chit chat that me and the boyfriend. It was getting to the stage where we would just sit in and watch TV, have a cuddle, and sex. My boyfriend loved sex, he liked it dirty and wanted it everyday. Sex doesn't bother me and especially not dirty. I began to feel slightly trapped, my family said id disappeared as if I wasn't with him, he was constantly texting me all the time, and it wasn't a proper conversation, it was more him giving me compliments, telling me how much I meant to him, etc.

after nearly 3 months I called it off, I said we weren't meant to be, id barely thought it through, and not chatted to him about how I felt. I just missed my single life with no commitments, no feeling of being trapped , could see my family more etc.

I decided I was going to focus a lot more on uni, but since the split I've done less work.

basically I'm writing here today as I need help in analysing my mind...

one minute I do want him, as he's pestered me for a month and a half since I called it off, he's been so persistent, said how he would change, says he's prepared to try as hard as he can to make me happy, cos he still loves me etc. and I think well maybe it can work. I lookd at couples and see how happy they are and think we I sort of do want that.

the next minute I don't want him, as I think what's the point in changing, I'm scared to give him hope, then see it won't work and do it to him all again. I also think I enjoy the single life, and once he's out my mind ill get into my studies and enjoy being on my own

the next minute I worry I will never find anyone like him again, yet I also think well is he what I want, I don't see myself being with him forever, and because he's that little bit older than me (although I'm 19 now) I still wonder if he's after something more serious than me.

the next minute I tell him to leave me alone as I don't want him and then I get all upset and cry and feel so lonely inside. Yet I thought I enjoyed being alone. I worry that feeling I have of not wanting any commitment and being alone my stay with me forever and ill be single forever.

we are both in limbo, and have been for over a month, I can't decide what I want deep down. Its crazy. I think I'm abnormal with my desires at 19 to want to be single, and have no commitment, yet at the same time I sort of want him, but its as if I want him on my terms, and I know a relationship is not about 1 person.

I keep asking myself if I knew I wanted him surely I would KNOW, but then my mind it that messed up I just don't know at all. I'm such an easily influenced person, and I know some of my family are not to keen on him, cu they feel all the texts and persistence is harassment and manipulation and mind games, not general sincere genuine care and love. I'm wondering if deep down I just don't want to cause a stir up within the family of a lad I'm not sure what I want. I also don't want to get his hopes up again to break his heart again if things don't work out.

when I think of relationships I think commitment and time and I don't want that, yet I want someone there to give me attention and love me and care for me. But with the lack of cimmunication we had I'm not sure he gave me that, but then I don't know because I obvioudly have a major weakness for him, as I always check my phone for messages, yet when I get them I'm not sure I want to read them, I always go out in the hope ill see him, or try to get shifts with him at work. I just cat understand my mind, and my emotional states...

there's one question... can anyone? Please?

[MOWERMAN2468]

Whoa, what a dilema. Sounds as though you have a lot of maturing in the emotional state of mind that is going to have to mature at its own rate. I am not saying you are immature, or anything like that. I just simply mean that only time will help you have mature feelings and your heart will begin to lead you in a direction. And be cautious about the directions that you let your heart lead you in, they can be very tricky. If you are wanting to see this guy at times, such as at work, and then at times you don't, well, you are just having mixed emotions. Do you feel as though he pressured you into having sex before you were ready? Could be the root to the problem there as well.

[imation]

You said at the start in the discription of yourself
"no desire to have a boyfriend as i dont like commitment, enjoy being alone and spending time with family"
What's wrong with that?

You also said you can't see it lasting forever, and at age 19/21, chances aren't that great.
This guy has fallen into obsessive love with you (google obsessive love, its not good) that's why he texts you so much and what not.

If you move on, you can expect pain for a little while yes, but as time passes you will enjoy yourself like you used to, you will spend more time with your family, more time on yourself, plus you will have good life expirience to take with you into your next relationship

[whatevernext_00]

This guy has tried so hard, and me being the way I am, I've given in, I've told him ill give him the chance. I said it won't be easy and then I'm not committing myself to anything until we have met up, discussed A lot, until I've noticed changes etc.
Today he has tried really hard, we have had big conversations, he's really taken interest in me, wanted to help etc.
But now I feel nerves, is this normal, I've not seen him for a while, and I'm nervous about seeing him again, about seeing his family after a month or so of not seeing them. I've felt a little sick, but I don't know whether its nerves or excitement. I've seen how hard he is prepared to try so I thought well I want to try for him, which is what I'm doing.

Is it normal for me to feel these nerves?
How can I explain to my family that I'm seeing him again, my mum understands but its more my father and siblings.
Would I be totally heartless to end it again if things didn't work out say a few weeks or months down the line, or if things slipped back into old ways?

I don't know its this is a mistake or not, but I guess time will tell. I just don't know why I'm not over the moon, and feel these nerves!

[talaniman]

That was a real whirlwind relationship, now its over. Don't lead him on and be firm. Enjoy your life the way you want to, without him.