[Inspired]

I just recently broke up with a guy that I was seeing for 6 months. There were many reasons I broke up with him. The main reasons were that his parents were pushing him and I to getting married (go figure he is a successful lawyer but completely attached to the umbilical cord) and they were very rude at times to me and my family. He did everything they wanted and they were always in our business. Another reason is that I suspected he was seeing a coworker at work after I found naked pictures and text messages saved on his cell phone. He said this was all before him and I met. The most recent ones he had saved were a week after him and I first met (we were not together, I barely knew him). I wanted to believe him but the way he was with me made me feel like his interests were not completely with me. He was always so inconsiderate about my feelings and I always compromised on many aspects of our relationship (like not talking to him for days because I wanted to give him space, always running on his schedule, etc).

A big part of me felt that he was only with me because his parents hooked us up and that he really wanted to please them (he had cried in front of me before when he would tell me how his dad used to be disappointed in him). He couldn't bring the coworker home because they would never accept her (different culture, lack of status in her position, ect). I was not in love with him but I really tried to make the relationship work. I put more effort and compromise into this relationship than I ever have in my life (I am 30 so you can imagine I have been in a few relationships before him).

My delema is this. When we broke up his parents kept calling my parents to ask why we broke up. My parents finally told them that he had someone else in his life. He ended up saying a lot of harsh things about me that his parents proceeded to tell my parents. The stuff he said about me was completely not true. He basically said things that made it seem like I didn't do anything in the relationship. That hurt me so deep because I bent over backwards for this man, to the point where I gave hiim all the space he wanted, was extremely respectful to his parents even though they drove me crazy, never told him about his faults (how his parents were crazy and he was a mamas boy). I still can't get over the harsh words he said and its been over 2 months since we broke up. I remember when my parents first told me what he had said about me. After I left my parents house I cried like a baby for the remainder of the night. I cried not because I missed him but I just couldn't get over how he could say such things about me. Sometimes the thought of what he said paralyzes me to the point where I don't want to get out of bed. The weekdays are fine because I have a grulling career that keeps me busy but the weekends and the morning are really rough. His parents even proceeded to tell my parents that maybe I made up the whole thing. Any advice from anyone would be very much appreciated .

[rachel101]

Dear Inspired,
Know that the words he said about you were a reflection of who HE is, not who YOU are. After the way you described him it sounds like he's holding true to form and just doing what he needs to do for HIS life to be comfortable. Sounds like because of circumstances word got out regarding his TRUE character and he reacted like a caged lion and took a real nasty swipe at you with his claws out. I find it unbelievable that his parents are so ill mannered that they not only got involved in the breakup but had the nerve to repeat the ugly things he may have said to your parents. And besides just because he said it doesn't mean it's true.

I think the best way to handle things of this nature are to simply not react. Defending yourself doesn't really work. The people who know you, like your parents, should be able to recognize a truth or a lie about you. If you react you end up name calling and looking pitiful that you are so bothered about it. There's an saying that seems to hold true, "It all comes out in the wash." Eventually his true character will become apparent and so will yours. It all catches up with us, the good and the bad.

Too bad you wasted time on someone who wasn't worth your time. Don't give him any more of your time by being upset one more minute. Do things that make you feel good about you and just know that one day everyone will know he's a liar.

I've spent the last year recovering from a real ugly divorce. I live in a very SMALL town and he told lies about me all over this town. I didn't defend myself. I have been ignored and treated poorly in this town but just recently people are beginning to talk to me again and making derogatory comments about my ex. I won't talk badly about him, that would make me the same as him. I just smile and go about my day. I knew I wasn't a bad person and all the ugly lies and rumors in the world couldn't change that... now dry your tears and call a friend, pick up a good book, start a long awaited project and get on with your life. There's jerks and wonderful people around every corner, the trick is to not let the jerks get you down.

[Inspired]

Rachel,
Thanks for the wonderful response. I have no contact with him or his family anymore and have no desire to contact him because I know I would be causing more unnecessary pain for myself.

[rachel101]

Smart girl, the faster you just move on down the road the faster you will get over it.

[talaniman]

You are so right Rachel, they are jerks, and have proven it by their actions, that are way out of bounds. No way should you judge yourself by them, but should celebrate your freedom from this situation. Don't let these jerks affect who you really are.

[Inspired]

I guess the hard thing to hear is that he made a specific comment about something I did for him. To do this thing, I had to travel half way across the world for him and put up with his family. His parents basically said that he told them that I complained about it and got into a fight with him over it. That's a completete lie. In fact I was so nice about it and never complained or fought with him about it. It really hurt me because I have NEVER gone out of my way for anyone like that, not even my ex whom I was madly in love with(talaman you know, the ex you gave me advice about). I don't miss him at all. I don't need advice on how to get over him because I was over him before I broke up with him. I just can't get over how unappreciative he was and how he could down play everything I did for him and all the compromises I made for his stupid @$$. Any advice on how get over the comments and stop feeling hurt about the comments?

[yeye82]

I have similar experience. The worst thing is, after he said all the nasty words, he still have the guts to say "no hard feelings!". He threatened me, and even said if it's not because I helped him a lot before, he won't want to be with me anymore. It really really hurts... Now, if I can't stand it, I'll use his words against him such as "What you see in me is the mirror of yourself!" that usually gets him... anyway, I understand karma (what goes around comes around)... usually, I'll just ignore him... and that works too.

[rachel101]

I always try to hear the messages the universe sends me. I'm can relate to doing a kindness and getting kicked over it and I heard myself saying over and over this past year, "Well once again, no good deed goes unpunished". About a month ago I got really fed up with this happening over and over and I stopped going out of my way. Well I passed two lost dogs on the road and didn't stop. Saw a lost looking delivery guy in my neighborhood and didn't offer help and I saw a leaking pipe on someone's property and didn't bother to find them, tell them and assist them. Anyway I didn't like the way my new attitude made me feel so that wasn't the answer.

Anyway... a friend lends me a video of an old movie. It lays around my house for a month before I pop it in and in the opening of the movie it says, "Every good deed gets it's just rewards." Well there was my answer. I don't get to decide the reactions to my "good deeds". If I'm expecting something in return, even a thank you, then it's not done with the right attitude. For me the just rewards come from God but as I see it the test is to not let the standard you set for yourself to be altered by what anyone else does. It's easy to be loving and giving with one who reciprocates, the test comes when they are nasty to you. Just rise above it... let it go... and once again truly know that his reaction to your kindness is a reflection of HIS character. What kind of person tells lies regarding a kindness done to them? A total self centered person who is only thinking of himself. That is no reflection on you. That has NOTHING to do with you. Don't take this so personal. He will treat the next person in his life the same way, the difference is they may think so little of themselves that they accept the behavior. You didn't accept the behavior. Maybe it just comes down to the fact that he is so spoiled and so accustom to getting his way that he didn't see what you did as anything other than doing what you should have because he had a need that needed to be filled. You decided to do what you did for him and he wasn't gracious enough to see that so turn it over and see how fortunate you are that you removed yourself from this interaction with no more than hurt feelings and anger. See it as a lesson and to quote my favorite dude, "Do not throw your pearls to pigs."

[talaniman]

Never take what drunks and a$$holes say personally, or you will be as crazy as they are. That should motivate you, I hope.

[Inspired]

Great Advice all, I appreciate it :). I am feeling a bit better. Sometimes it still gets to me but I am trying not to let it cripple me to the point that I keep letting it hurt me.

[Inspired]

Update: I have been feeling a lot better in the last couple of days. I hope it lasts :)

[Inspired]

Update: I appreciate everyone’s advice. I have been doing a lot of soul searching since I wrote this post 2 months ago. I have also been on the Enlightment/spiritual kick and have been reading a lot of spiritual books. Rachel101, your advice helped me tremendously. I realized that most of my life I have measured myself worth based on what others think of me and how they treat me. I think it comes from childhood, when I had no friends and my parents were too busy working on their careers to be there for me. I also had an incident at work that made me realize how I value myself based on others opinions. I had an argument with the secretary at work and even after we resolved the argument and apologized, I was still trying to kiss her a$$ and be nice to her. That’s when I realized that I care too much about what people think of me and I cannot be at peace if I feel that someone around me does not like me. Clearly she does not like me and I have been letting it get to me on and off for about a year. Well this week I put a stop to it by realizing this. I no longer care what she thinks and no longer go out of my way to make small talk with her. Its such a nice and uplifting feeling to realize that I can't please everyone and more so what people think of me has nothing to do with who I am. Thanks again all and thanks to AMHD for allowing us to have this forum to help others.

[rachel101]

Wow, you truly are inspired. I have often found that a little soul searching followed by enlightenment is well worth the effort and by simply paying attention to who and how we are we can make a few conscious tweaks and improve life forever. It quite freeing when you learn you can't please all the people so you might as well please yourself. So glad you wrote to update us and just thrilled at how this came out for you. The lessons learned almost make it worth it... or maybe this lesson was the purpose of the relationship. Good luck.

[Inspired]

Rachel,

Thanks for the post. I still have days where I want to fall back into my old depressing mind patterns. The difference now is that I am able to be aware of how I am feeling and am able to catch any patterns before it takes me over. Its hard to break patterns that we have been conditioned/accostomed to since birth. I think it's a work in progress but it helps to know the purpose of life, instead of being caught up in the day to day stresses all of the time.

A book I would recommend: "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle

[Inspired]

Good Morning
I am having a tough time today. I feel the negativity creeping in, feeling hurt and used. The positive self is still in the background but the internal battle with the negative is affecting me today. Any words of wisdom will be much appreciated.